Status: On hold , help me?
Smile for Me
27
Everyone was staring.
I hugged my arms closer around my middle as I walked down the halls, keeping my head slightly down in a vain effort to hide my face. Thankfully, my hair hid the large bump and bruise on my forehead, but everything else was pretty visible. I hadn’t even bothered trying to cover up the bruises with make-up. It was pointless because the bruise on my cheekbone was almost black, and touching the skin hurt so much my jaw was throbbing from gritting my teeth so hard.
My dad had offered to call the school this morning so I could stay home, but I refused. First of all, I was now eighteen so he didn’t have to do that anymore. And why should I let him lie when I would be at home from what he did? He’d hit me before, and people had seen those bruises. No one did anything then, and they wouldn’t now.
I just wished people would stop fucking staring.
“Katie, wait up.”
I sighed at the sound of Jen’s voice and stopped, waiting for her to catch up. I took a deep breath and mentally prepared myself for her reaction but then she was there, putting her arm around my shoulders in a side hug.
“How was your night last night?” She asked as we started walking along again.
I shrugged and glared at the rest of the kids in the hall, who were still watching me with sad and confused eyes. I felt like screaming at them to turn the hell away, but I thought better of it. I’d probably get in trouble.
“What’s wrong?” Jen asked when I never replied to whatever she had been saying.
“Nothing, I’m just tired.” I lied.
She nodded and took my arm – thankfully my right one – and pulled me along behind her.
“Come on,” She said without turning around. “Emma’s waiting at your locker.”
I held back a groan and followed silently behind her, knowing this was going to be the worst day of my life. Or one of them.
Emma was leaning against my locker with Haylie and Mandy on either side of her, laughing about whatever had happened with her and Zacky last night.
“Look who I found in the hall!” Jen shouted and Emma immediately looked over, though the other two looked at Jen in greeting.
Emma’s face turned pale with shock as soon as she saw me, and then she was pushing away from the wall and coming towards me.
“Katie, come with me to the washroom.” She said in a cheery voice so she wouldn’t alarm the others.
I turned and followed her, knowing I was in for the interrogation of my life.
We walked together to the handicapped stall, as it was separate from the large, girls’ communal washroom and could be locked from the inside. She knocked, though it really wasn’t necessary, and then grabbed the handle and yanked it open, ushering me inside before pulling it closed and twisting the lock.
“He fucking went at you again?” She practically screamed as she leaned against the door. “What the fuck is his problem? He can’t deal with his own shit so he takes it out on his daughter?”
Dropping my bag to the floor, I rubbed the back of my head and closed my eyes against the bright glare of the overhead lights. I had a pounding headache. Not only from having my head smacked into the wall, but because I had cried for hours last night before finally falling into a fitful sleep that only lasted three hours before I had to get up for school.
Emma was still ranting about what an asshole my father was and though I knew she was right, I didn’t want to hear it.
“Emma, please.” I practically whispered, knowing it was useless to speak loudly. She would just raise her voice even more and I didn’t need that. “I don’t really want to talk about him right now.”
I heard her take a deep breath, as if she wanted to say something else but then she let it out slowly. I heard her shoes squeak against the tiles as she pulled away from the door and then she was coming towards me.
“Let me see.” She ordered, gently putting her hands on the sides of my face.
I turned my head to the side so she could see the bruise along my cheek, and again so she could inspect the cut in my lip. Then she carefully brushed my hair to the side to get a closer look at the bump on my forehead.
“Look’s like you have a goose egg in your head.” She joked and I smiled a little.
She sighed and stepped back, letting me lean against the wall and slide to the floor, crossing my arms over my stomach.
“So what happened?” She asked quietly, standing above me.
I shrugged. “The usual. I come home late, he yells at me. I yell back and get punished.”
She huffed and sat in front of me, crossing her legs campfire style and folding her hands in her lap.
I rested my head against the wall and stared into space, thinking of what else to tell her. I had to tell someone.
“He doesn’t want me to see Brian anymore.” I said and tears immediately filled my eyes.
“What?” She was shocked. “Why?”
“Because he’s a bad influence, apparently.” I rolled my eyes before continuing.
I replayed the conversation for her and could tell that she was getting angrier with every word that I said.
“He thinks Syn is an alcoholic?” She was incredulous. “Then what does that make him?”
“That’s basically what I said and I got this.” I pointed to my cheek, and then shut my eyes as tears slid down my face, dripping off my chin.
“You won’t do it, will you?” She asked hesitantly. “Stop seeing Syn.”
I shook my head vehemently. “No. No way. He means too much to me to just end it because of something my father said.”
I saw her nod and then she reached for my wrists, saying, “Let’s see what you did.”
I hesitated and she looked at me straight in the eyes. “Katie, I know you cut yourself again and I want to see.”
“Emma…”
“Show me.” She ordered, her voice a bit more harsh than before and I hesitated again before gingerly rolling up the sleeve of my sweater and holding out my left arm.
She took my hand and turned my arm over to see the three horizontal cuts on the inside of my wrists. The cuts hadn’t been deep enough that I would need to get them looked at by a doctor, but they had been deep enough that it had taken a good hour for the bleeding to stop.
She sniffed and I could tell she was starting to cry as she looked down at the new and old cuts on my arm.
“You need to stop doing this, Katie.” She said seriously.
“I know.”
“No, I mean it.” She angrily wiper her tears away as she frowned up at me. “You keep saying that you’re going to stop but you never do.”
“I try.” I insisted, feeling ashamed and pulled my sleeve back down. “I try to stop and I do really well but then…something bad happens and it hurts too much.”
“Then talk to me.” Her voice got a little louder and she took a deep breath to calm down before speaking again. “When things like that happen, talk to me. You know I’m always here for you Katie. And you know that you can talk to your boyfriend…” She stopped when she noticed I was shaking my head at her. “He doesn’t know, does he? He doesn’t know that you hurt yourself.”
I laughed sardonically. “Yeah, like I can tell him that. ‘By the way, Brian, I’m a cutter. Every time something bad happens I go home and slide a blade across my wrists to feel better but I don’t want you to worry because I’m okay’?” I shook my head. “He’ll think I’m a complete head-case and break up with me for sure.”
“No, he won’t.” She sighed. “Just…promise me that you’ll stop. And mean it, this time.”
I nodded and said as sincerely as I could, “I promise.”
But how long could that promise last?
She stood and held out her hands to me.
“Come on, let’s get out of here.”
“Yeah, I need to go to my locker before class starts.”
“No, you don’t. We’re not going to class.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Just what I said. Come on, we’ll go over to Zacky’s. You can call in for yourself, and so can I.”
I paused before following her out, not knowing if I should or not. I really didn’t want to go to class, but…
Making up my mind, I picked up my bag and told her I was going to drop it in my locker before we would leave.
I hugged my arms closer around my middle as I walked down the halls, keeping my head slightly down in a vain effort to hide my face. Thankfully, my hair hid the large bump and bruise on my forehead, but everything else was pretty visible. I hadn’t even bothered trying to cover up the bruises with make-up. It was pointless because the bruise on my cheekbone was almost black, and touching the skin hurt so much my jaw was throbbing from gritting my teeth so hard.
My dad had offered to call the school this morning so I could stay home, but I refused. First of all, I was now eighteen so he didn’t have to do that anymore. And why should I let him lie when I would be at home from what he did? He’d hit me before, and people had seen those bruises. No one did anything then, and they wouldn’t now.
I just wished people would stop fucking staring.
“Katie, wait up.”
I sighed at the sound of Jen’s voice and stopped, waiting for her to catch up. I took a deep breath and mentally prepared myself for her reaction but then she was there, putting her arm around my shoulders in a side hug.
“How was your night last night?” She asked as we started walking along again.
I shrugged and glared at the rest of the kids in the hall, who were still watching me with sad and confused eyes. I felt like screaming at them to turn the hell away, but I thought better of it. I’d probably get in trouble.
“What’s wrong?” Jen asked when I never replied to whatever she had been saying.
“Nothing, I’m just tired.” I lied.
She nodded and took my arm – thankfully my right one – and pulled me along behind her.
“Come on,” She said without turning around. “Emma’s waiting at your locker.”
I held back a groan and followed silently behind her, knowing this was going to be the worst day of my life. Or one of them.
Emma was leaning against my locker with Haylie and Mandy on either side of her, laughing about whatever had happened with her and Zacky last night.
“Look who I found in the hall!” Jen shouted and Emma immediately looked over, though the other two looked at Jen in greeting.
Emma’s face turned pale with shock as soon as she saw me, and then she was pushing away from the wall and coming towards me.
“Katie, come with me to the washroom.” She said in a cheery voice so she wouldn’t alarm the others.
I turned and followed her, knowing I was in for the interrogation of my life.
We walked together to the handicapped stall, as it was separate from the large, girls’ communal washroom and could be locked from the inside. She knocked, though it really wasn’t necessary, and then grabbed the handle and yanked it open, ushering me inside before pulling it closed and twisting the lock.
“He fucking went at you again?” She practically screamed as she leaned against the door. “What the fuck is his problem? He can’t deal with his own shit so he takes it out on his daughter?”
Dropping my bag to the floor, I rubbed the back of my head and closed my eyes against the bright glare of the overhead lights. I had a pounding headache. Not only from having my head smacked into the wall, but because I had cried for hours last night before finally falling into a fitful sleep that only lasted three hours before I had to get up for school.
Emma was still ranting about what an asshole my father was and though I knew she was right, I didn’t want to hear it.
“Emma, please.” I practically whispered, knowing it was useless to speak loudly. She would just raise her voice even more and I didn’t need that. “I don’t really want to talk about him right now.”
I heard her take a deep breath, as if she wanted to say something else but then she let it out slowly. I heard her shoes squeak against the tiles as she pulled away from the door and then she was coming towards me.
“Let me see.” She ordered, gently putting her hands on the sides of my face.
I turned my head to the side so she could see the bruise along my cheek, and again so she could inspect the cut in my lip. Then she carefully brushed my hair to the side to get a closer look at the bump on my forehead.
“Look’s like you have a goose egg in your head.” She joked and I smiled a little.
She sighed and stepped back, letting me lean against the wall and slide to the floor, crossing my arms over my stomach.
“So what happened?” She asked quietly, standing above me.
I shrugged. “The usual. I come home late, he yells at me. I yell back and get punished.”
She huffed and sat in front of me, crossing her legs campfire style and folding her hands in her lap.
I rested my head against the wall and stared into space, thinking of what else to tell her. I had to tell someone.
“He doesn’t want me to see Brian anymore.” I said and tears immediately filled my eyes.
“What?” She was shocked. “Why?”
“Because he’s a bad influence, apparently.” I rolled my eyes before continuing.
I replayed the conversation for her and could tell that she was getting angrier with every word that I said.
“He thinks Syn is an alcoholic?” She was incredulous. “Then what does that make him?”
“That’s basically what I said and I got this.” I pointed to my cheek, and then shut my eyes as tears slid down my face, dripping off my chin.
“You won’t do it, will you?” She asked hesitantly. “Stop seeing Syn.”
I shook my head vehemently. “No. No way. He means too much to me to just end it because of something my father said.”
I saw her nod and then she reached for my wrists, saying, “Let’s see what you did.”
I hesitated and she looked at me straight in the eyes. “Katie, I know you cut yourself again and I want to see.”
“Emma…”
“Show me.” She ordered, her voice a bit more harsh than before and I hesitated again before gingerly rolling up the sleeve of my sweater and holding out my left arm.
She took my hand and turned my arm over to see the three horizontal cuts on the inside of my wrists. The cuts hadn’t been deep enough that I would need to get them looked at by a doctor, but they had been deep enough that it had taken a good hour for the bleeding to stop.
She sniffed and I could tell she was starting to cry as she looked down at the new and old cuts on my arm.
“You need to stop doing this, Katie.” She said seriously.
“I know.”
“No, I mean it.” She angrily wiper her tears away as she frowned up at me. “You keep saying that you’re going to stop but you never do.”
“I try.” I insisted, feeling ashamed and pulled my sleeve back down. “I try to stop and I do really well but then…something bad happens and it hurts too much.”
“Then talk to me.” Her voice got a little louder and she took a deep breath to calm down before speaking again. “When things like that happen, talk to me. You know I’m always here for you Katie. And you know that you can talk to your boyfriend…” She stopped when she noticed I was shaking my head at her. “He doesn’t know, does he? He doesn’t know that you hurt yourself.”
I laughed sardonically. “Yeah, like I can tell him that. ‘By the way, Brian, I’m a cutter. Every time something bad happens I go home and slide a blade across my wrists to feel better but I don’t want you to worry because I’m okay’?” I shook my head. “He’ll think I’m a complete head-case and break up with me for sure.”
“No, he won’t.” She sighed. “Just…promise me that you’ll stop. And mean it, this time.”
I nodded and said as sincerely as I could, “I promise.”
But how long could that promise last?
She stood and held out her hands to me.
“Come on, let’s get out of here.”
“Yeah, I need to go to my locker before class starts.”
“No, you don’t. We’re not going to class.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Just what I said. Come on, we’ll go over to Zacky’s. You can call in for yourself, and so can I.”
I paused before following her out, not knowing if I should or not. I really didn’t want to go to class, but…
Making up my mind, I picked up my bag and told her I was going to drop it in my locker before we would leave.