Cross Your Fingers

“How do I look?” Parker asked as she spun, letting her dress flow.

“Parks, you look fine. Why are you stressing out so much?” Austin asked, fiddling with his tie.

She straightened it out before tightening it, “I don’t want to be compared to Elle again.”

“All those old hacks are practically going blind. Elle has got nothing on you,” she said.

She shrugged, both of them knowing he was only trying to make her feel better. “Are you going to be a perfect date?”

“Well just like you, I am sick of being compared to Cameron. So yes, we are going to rock this hospital Christmas party,” he smiled.

“Thank you,” she said before they moved downstairs.

“Oh you look great, Parker,” her dad said. He stuck out his hand to Austin solemnly, “Austin.”

“Thanks for letting me come with Parker tonight, sir,” Austin said.

“Well of course,” he shrugged.

There was an awkward silence as Parker’s dad read through some papers. Austin gave Parker’s hand a squeeze, reminding her to breathe. Finally her sister came walking down the stairs, boyfriend in tow.

Any confidence Parker was given with the way she looked tonight was completely diminished when she saw Elle. Her blonde hair was curled in a ponytail and her makeup was done perfectly. Her dress showed off her perfect body and she was still so tan even in December.

Her boyfriend, Cameron, was no different. His dirty blonde hair was cropped short and he looked like a model. He had a perfect smile and the perfect life, and he made sure everyone knew it.

“Ellie, baby, you are so gorgeous,” her dad gushed.

“Thanks, daddy. Nice dress, Parker,” Elle smiled cruelly. Of course, the dress she was wearing had once belonged to Elle.

“Austin, take a picture of my girls and I,” he said, handing him the camera.

He wrapped his arms around their waists and they all smiled big. Parker liked taking pictures, because it was the easiest way to fake like they were one big, happy family. She pretended not to notice the little things that proved her wrong. Like the way her dad tilted his head so that it was resting against Elle’s.

“So Parker, you don’t mind driving you and Austin? I don’t have enough room for everyone,” her dad said.

“Of course not,” she mumbled.

Parker followed her dad’s car to the place where the party was being held. “Is it too late to just go back home?”

“It’s not going to be that bad,” Austin said.

“Why do you give my dad so much credit?” she asked.

“I don’t,” he said, “He’s not very nice to me either. But you can’t hate your dad, Parker. He doesn’t hate you.”

“Parents are supposed to love their kids the same,” she said, “Elle is his pride and joy and I’m just the younger daughter. I wish my mom were here.”

He sighed, “I know, Parks, I know.”

Parker tapped her foot gently against the ground, trying unsuccessfully not to show her impatience. She was hung-over and irritated and really just wanted to go to sleep. They were stopped in a random town in the middle of nowhere in Texas.

And it was uncomfortably humid and she was leaning against the side of a convenience store waiting to use the universal bathroom. She didn’t see who had gone in before her but after five minutes she knocked loudly, “Can you please do your best not to destroy it? I just have to pee.”

Right as she finished her sentence the door opened and Austin walked out, buckling his belt. He gave her a laugh that sounded slightly like a grunt, “Feeling okay today, Sommers?”

“Suck it, Austin,” she said.

“Don’t worry, you’ll learn to handle that much liquor eventually. Maybe next time you’ll try to make out with a stranger instead of the bassist of your boyfriend’s band,” he tried not to laugh.

“Excuse me?” she scoffed.

“Ask Garrett,” he winked before leaving her.

She did her business before walking back into the bus and finding Garrett in the back playing a video game. She sat next to him.

“Did I try to kiss you last night?” she asked.

He grinned, “You sure did. No worries though, nothing happened.”

She closed her eyes, wincing at the thought, “Did John see?”

“Nope,” he told her, “Don’t worry, Parks.”

“Parker,” she mumbled, lacking the energy to correct him.

Once they were on the road again she laid in the back, letting the sounds of Garrett’s game lull her in and out of sleep. Her relationship with Austin was just making things more stressful. She wished she could say she didn’t hate him. And maybe she didn’t, but it was just the easiest emotion to feed off of. But it had been four years and she was never able to hold a grudge.

But she didn’t want to like him, either. He hadn’t changed one bit, and at some point she had loved that person he was. He was her best friend. Maybe she was the one that changed after all.

Parker felt a body fall next to her and she opened her eyes and smiled at John.

“Baby I don’t feel well,” he frowned.

“Me either,” she said, “Let’s not drink again.”

“Deal,” he sighed. She shifted around to rest her head in his lap. He played with her hair aimlessly and spoke again, “You look pretty.”

“I feel horrible,” she said.

“Can you just take my compliment?” John laughed, “You always look pretty.”

“Thank you,” she blushed, biting her tongue.

John was a sweet boyfriend. He brought her flowers and told her she was beautiful. He was thoughtful and understanding and he never denied her his love.

But as much as she tried to deny it, that was only part of the time. He wasn’t the perfect boyfriend by far, which she didn’t mind. But sometimes he wasn’t even a boyfriend that any girl would desire.

She chalked it up to the fact that no boy would ever be perfect like girls expected them to be. John was really her only serious boyfriend, so she didn’t have anything to compare it to. For her, it was always worth it. No matter the mistakes he made.

“So,” Kennedy started as he joined them in the back, “We play Houston tonight and we have a day off tomorrow. Want to show us around Parker?”

“Can’t we just get to the next stop earlier?” she asked, “Houston is not that cool.”

“Come on! Your dad is coming to the show tonight!” John cheered, “In all these years I’ve never even met him.”

She rolled her eyes, “I’m super excited.”

Kennedy gave her a look, “If you aren’t nice to him Parker, I swear to God.”

“I’ll be an angel, Kenny. Don’t you worry,” she said sarcastically.

“I’m getting very conflicting reports,” John said, “You make him sound awful and Kennedy makes him sound like a God.”

Parker stayed silent while Kennedy talked up her dad like he was the best man in the world. And if you asked any person he had ever interacted with they would tell you the same. He was a doctor and he had that built in sense of compassion.

He was just one of those people that everyone loved, and that was the thing Parker couldn’t stand most. He was able to love any stranger but couldn’t show that love to his own daughter.

“He’ll love you, John. He’ll be really nice and wonderful and it will all be fine,” she said, cutting off whatever Kennedy way saying, “So there you go.”

She left them alone and no one bothered her for the rest of the short ride. Once they got there she avoided Kennedy and John, not wanting to talk anymore about her outburst. Surely they understood she was just stressed. Why didn’t Kennedy understand her opinion on her dad? He had witnessed it.

He must have gotten that sense of compassion, too.

As she lay on a couch backstage that was probably extremely dirty she listened to someone strum a guitar on the other side of the crowded room. She was attempting to fall asleep but she felt like the guitar was playing right in her ear.

And then she realized it was because she was listening for the tune so intently. She opened her eyes and saw Austin with his eyes closed as he seemingly tried to remember the next chord.

She knew it by heart, but apparently he had forgotten the song they used to play together. Finally he looked at her for a brief second before he strummed the strings once more angrily before taking it off his lap.

“Parker, they’re just opening the doors so you should probably get out there,” Pat told her carefully.

She gave him a warm smile, because the way he spoke told her was scared to say the wrong thing. She walked out to the merch tables and was met with a smiling Morgan at her side. The beginning and end of the show was always the busiest time, so Parker was grateful they didn’t have to talk much.

Morgan probably could tell by the way Parker interacted with Austin at the party that their history wasn’t the best, and Parker didn’t care to talk about it.

“Sommers, you’re off duty for the night. Your dad is here,” Max told her, “Have fun.”

She shook her head, “No, it’s fine. I can work.”

“Is my youngest daughter trying to avoid me?”

Parker turned on the heel of her foot towards the voice behind her. Her dad looked so much older, his once salt and pepper hair mostly gray. His blue eyes were bright against his tan skin and he was extremely in shape.

“Hi, dad,” she said, forcing her reluctant arms open to embrace him.

“You look beautiful, baby. Arizona did you well,” he said.

“Thanks,” she said, “It’s been a long time.”

“Almost two years,” he said sadly, “And to think you almost didn’t call me.”

“I just wasn’t sure if it was my place,” she said.

“I’m sorry I missed your graduation from ASU, I was at home with Elle. Did you get the gift we sent? She picked it out,” he smiled.

“Yeah, I did. Thanks,” Parker said, realizing she hadn’t even thanked them and feeling guilty. “Want to go backstage? You can meet John.”

“Great,” he said, letting her lead the way. She showed her pass to the security guard and found Kennedy in the back.

She gratefully let him take over, gushing to her dad about tour and guitars and girls. She couldn’t find John anywhere, but finally found him in the last place she looked: out front, talking to fans.

She waited for a while, feeling bad to pull him away. The girls he spoke to were younger and hanging on every word he said, and the way he easily kept up conversation made it simple for Parker just to watch.

“Excuse me, ladies, but I have some business to take care of. Enjoy the show!” John said before turning to Parker.

She smiled and took his hand, “My dad is here.”

“Parker, I’m so nervous,” he frowned.

“Just forget everything I said on the way here and just think of what Kenny said. He’s great and he’ll love you,” she said, kissing him before they went backstage.

“Dad,” Parker got his attention, pulling it away from Kennedy, “This is John.”

“It’s so great to finally meet you, Mr. Sommers,” John said, shaking his hand.

“You as well, John. And please, call me Mark. I was afraid the first time we met would be at your wedding,” he laughed.

John gave Parker a small smile, “Well now we don’t have to worry about that.”

Mark opened his mouth to speak again but someone walking in the door caught his attention, “Austin!”

Austin’s eyes were brightened as Parker’s dad embraced him in a hug, “Hey Mr. Sommers.”

“I’m so glad to see you. It’s been too many months,” he said.

John whispered to Parker, “I didn’t know they were friends.”

“Me either…” she said.

Mr. Sommers wrapped his arms around Austin and Parker, “It’s so nice to see you two together again!”

Parker gave Austin a look of discomfort, hoping he would have the same. She figured they could have some kind of moment of solidarity against this man that used to judge them so harshly. But instead he only smiled up at her dad like he was the best man in the world.

“Yeah,” Parker said, “Everyone is having a real good time.”

“That’s great to hear! Now, John, walk with me. I happen to be a closet guitar player,” he said, patting John on the back and leading him away.

Parker laughed to herself before turning to Austin and her face going serious, “What was that about?”

“Just because you stared ignoring your family doesn’t mean I did,” he said.

“Haven’t you heard that when you break up with someone you break up with their family, too?” she asked, her hands on her hips.

He gave a low chuckle and carefully lit a cigarette. He took the first drag and let the smoke billow around her. He spoke with a little bit more of a Texas accent now, “Honey, we were never dating.”

She snarled at him in disgust before turning on the heel of her foot and walking away from him. She found her dad, Kennedy, and John sitting on the stage as they all strummed guitars.

Parker sat down next to John, swinging her legs over the edge of the stage. “How’s it going?” she whispered while her dad spoke to Kennedy.

“Not bad,” he gave her a small smile, “But he keeps talking about Austin.”

Parker sighed hanging her head and resting her forehead on John’s shoulder, “Sorry. I don’t know why.”

“He seems like a really great guy though,” he tried to encourage, “It’s just awkward.”

She didn’t get a chance to respond because some of the security guards told them they were opening the doors. They watched Austin perform, her dad continuously gushing about how happy he was for him.

After he finished, Kennedy, Mr. Sommers, and Parker went to eat at a café close to the venue. They only had a short amount of time before Kennedy had to get back so they ordered light and made even more small talk, staying completely superficial.

They made their way back to the venue and Parker was searching for Halvo or even Austin so she and her dad wouldn’t be alone. But it was to no avail because she found herself standing at the side of the stage next to her dad while the crew bustled by them to set up The Maine’s set.

“She asked about you the other day, you know,” he said, his arms crossed over his chest.

“She did?” Parker squeaked, not expecting those words to come out.

“Surprised?” he asked, “You really shouldn’t be… but you would know that if you ever came to visit.”

“Dad…” she warned, “Don’t start.”

“She’s your sister, we are family. Austin comes around more than you do,” he said disapprovingly.

“Speaking of Austin,” Parker started, moving so she was standing in front of him, “What’s with you suddenly being in love with him?”

He dismissed her accusation, “I’ve always liked Austin.”

“You treated him like shit!” she exclaimed, “But now he’s your favorite?”

“Watch your mouth, young lady,” he said. “Austin has been more faithful to this family than you ever have been.”

“You can’t tell me what to do anymore,” she scoffed.

“Who is this person you’ve become!?” he asked loudly, “You don’t even feel guilty for not going to see her?”

“No!” she lied, “And you can’t make me feel any certain way. Just go back to being Elle’s dad and I’ll see you in another few years. Deal?” She began to walk away but he spoke again.

“I’m your dad, too,” he said angrily.

She turned and faced him, “There’s a different between being a dad and being just a father. The only thing ever connecting us has been blood and that has already proven to be too much. So thanks for visiting. Enjoy the show and don’t call me.”

The veins in his forehead looked like they would pop out, reminding her of her childhood. Whenever she and Elle would do something wrong it was always her fault, never perfect Ellie’s.

“You have always been a selfish little bitch ever since the day you were born. You wonder why I don’t love you as much as I should? Really?” he finally exploded. The people around them stopped, John and Kennedy saw it all. Maybe now her cousin would believe her.

Parker couldn’t stop the tears falling even though she tried her hardest. If anyone else said these things she could brush it off or at least pretend it didn’t faze her. But when the one person who is programmed to love you is pointing out your worst qualities with no remorse, it makes it impossible.

So she ran.

She stormed from backstage and walked past the crowd, ignoring the stares. She heard the beginning of the introduction music for The Maine’s set before she went outside to catch her breath.

She sat down on the curb and brought her knees to her chest, letting out heavy sobs. Soon she felt another presence next to her. She looked at him, “Please just go away, I can’t deal with you, too.”

He nodded his head and stood up, “He just doesn’t know how to cope.”

“Looks like that’s who I inherited from,” she mumbled.

He shoved his hands in his pockets and walked to the door, putting one hand on the handle, “Are you sure you want me to go?”

She looked back at him and without saying a word he sat back down next to her. He awkwardly placed his hand on her back, rubbing circles to calm her down. Finally she rested her head on his shoulder and he let her easily fall into him.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” she asked as she calmed down.

“I guess I just know how it feels to be abandoned,” he said quietly.

She closed her eyes and didn’t reply. She only eased into him greater and let him hold her tighter. Parker ignored his words and let her mind wander back to the hurt her father caused. But it was hard when Austin cooed in her ear and drew circles on her back with his fingers.

And even though they could pretend this was some breakthrough they both knew that tomorrow they wouldn’t be friends again. But he let her cry into his shirt for a better part of an hour and told her nice things that he probably didn’t mean.

But it was one thing he told her that let her know for a fact that tomorrow things will not be different. He said, “Sometimes we cut people out because we need to, even if we don’t want to.”