Cross Your Fingers

“God damn it, Parker,” he said angrily, slamming his hands down on the steering wheel.

“Pull over, Austin. You’re going to get us in a car accident,” she said calmly.

“I’m fine,” he mumbled as they came to a stop light.

“Why are you so upset? It’s not like you’re planning to stay in Houston either,” she said.

“But University of Houston has one of the best architecture programs. But instead you’re going to Arizona State?” he asked unbelieving.

“They have a good program, too,” she muttered.

“But they also have John, right? You can just admit that’s why you’re going,” he said as he began driving again.

“Are you going to tell me again that I’m following John around? I’m dating him, Austin! It’s a joint effort and every time you say that it really hurts!” she said.

He finally pulled over. He unbuckled his seat belt and turned to look at her, “He cheated on you two months ago, Parker! Cheated. And now you’re changing your life to be with him!? Sorry I’m a little pissed off!”

“You want to talk about him cheating, Austin? I’m no better!” she said.

“You guys were broken up, Parker! Broken up every time because he either ignored you or cheated on you. You didn’t cheat on him!” he said.

“I love him, Austin. If you ever listened to me when I tried to tell you about him you would understand that,” she spat.

“I’m not going to listen to you because I don’t believe you! I know what love is, Parker. I’m starting to think you don’t have a clue,” he shook his head.

She rolled her eyes and let out a huff in frustration, “Shut the hell up, Austin. You don’t know what love is.”

“I love you, Parker!” he shouted in their small space, “I’m in love with you and you already know it. I’ve been your best friend for the better part of our lives and I always will be. But I’m in love with you, always.”

“I’m never going to date you, Austin! I don’t believe a word you say! You’re all about me one day and then you ditch me to go fuck another girl. How do I know that the things we do mean anything?”

“I’m telling you right now that they mean something! You always mean more than those other girls, whether it be as a best friend or…” he trailed off.

“Or as a hook up? See, Austin. At least John can call me his girlfriend and not be ashamed, and at least he had the balls to tell me he screwed up. I’m not down to be that girl that waits around in Texas while you go screw other girls on the road,” Parker said.

“But you are totally fine to go live in Arizona and do the same thing waiting for John?” he countered.

“Why are we even fighting? This isn’t going to be resolved,” she said more calmly now.

“What am I supposed to do when you’re gone?” he asked, looking down.

“Don’t pretend like I’m the only one you call when you’re lonely,” Parker said regrettably.

“That’s not why I call you, Parker,” he said, “You don’t believe that, do you?”

She smiled a little, “Not most the time.”

“I just really don’t want you to leave me. Especially not for John,” he said.

“You’re going to be on tour, Austin,” Parker said, ignoring his last comment.

“So what am I supposed to do when the girl I love doesn’t love me back?” he asked. They had already had this conversation before, but this time he seemed so sad, so completely lost.

Parker sighed. She put a hand on his cheek and said the words she knew he would never want to hear, and the ones he would never expect, “It’s not that big of a deal, Austin. I’m sure you’ll find someone else.”

Parker woke up in her bunk the next morning. Not like she really awoke, because she hadn’t really slept. She tossed and turned and only dreamt of Austin and the horrible things he said.

She waited until she heard the boys roaming around the bus to climb out and join them. She hadn’t spoken to anyone. After she left Austin she ran to the bus and buried herself in one of John’s hoodies and silently cried herself to sleep.

“Hey sleepy head,” Garrett greeted as she sat next to him in the back lounge.

“Hi,” she faked a smile.

“You ran off pretty quick last night,” Kennedy said, not looking up from the book he was reading.

“I didn’t feel well,” Parker said.

“That’s too bad,” Kennedy said, not sounding empathetic at all.

John joined them in the back and Parker couldn’t help but to crawl into his lap and cuddle into him lovingly.

He laughed a little, confused, “Hi babe.”

She didn’t say anything and just let him rub her back and coo nice things, because right now she needed to know that someone didn’t think she was a horrible person.

Even if that person was sadly mistaken.

But she wasn’t horrible for the things Austin claimed. It wasn’t because she left him or broke him and he was selfish for thinking so.

There was a part of her deep down that knew he was right. And it wasn’t because she was weak and let his words penetrate her like that would be so fitting. It was because it was a truth she had accepted.

They got to the next city and Parker took a long, much needed shower. She put on barely any makeup, just not caring, before she went out front with Morgan and the other merch people.

Morgan didn’t greet her happily like she normally did. She only stared down at her hands in her lap.

“Hey,” Parker greeted, not sure why.

“Hi,” Morgan gave an obviously forced smile.

Parker made sure not to ask what was wrong. She didn’t need to know about anyone else’s problems, she had enough on her own.

But Morgan filled her in anyways.

“You and Austin used to know each other, right?” she asked, turning to face her. “I mean you said you hate met before, but it went a little deeper didn’t it?”

“Um… yeah,” Parker stuttered, folding and refolding the same shirts in front of her.

“Were you close?” she pressed.

Parker shrugged. She had so many thoughts running through her head of how to deny it she silenced them with a single thought: who gives a fuck?

“Yeah,” Parker answered, “We were best friends.”

“He’s never mentioned you…” Morgan said awkwardly.

“We had a bit of a falling out,” she answered, finally facing her. “Is this what you actually wanted to talk about?”

Morgan shook her head, “I honestly don’t care. I’m pissed off at Austin. Can I vent?”

“Um… I’m not sure I would be the best-”

“He’s being so rude to me today! Like, I get that people have bad days. It started last night. He ran back to the van and put his iPod in and didn’t say a word except to tell me to go away. I figured he would sleep it off but today he hasn’t said anything!”

“Maybe he just has a lot on his mind,” Parker said.

“I’m just super annoyed. He gets like this a lot. He’ll hear a song or someone will say one thing and it will set him off. Should I confront him about it?” Morgan asked.

Parker thought for a moment, “Yeah, maybe you should.”

Morgan sighed, obviously dreading a conversation. Parker wished Morgan was at least a little bit as intimidating as she looked, because then maybe her fight with Austin would be worth watching.

But he would probably just apologize and beg forgiveness. That’s how he was with people he loved.

After the show some of them went to a bar and Parker went along, eager to drink whatever she could get her hands on.

Some of them were singing karaoke and others were mingling with the locals. She and John were slow dancing while Eric sang Sweet Home Alabama over the loud speaker. He was holding her up, mostly, but he wasn’t doing much better himself.

That’s when they first heard Morgan yell.

“Why don’t you just go have another beer, Austin!?”

“I will, thank you!”

Parker looked ahead of her and watched them enter the bar from outside where they had apparently been fighting. Everyone could pretty much hear them loud and clear because Eric was too drunk to sing fully.

“You can’t just use me all up and then expect me to be okay when you act like a complete jerk!” she said, crying.

“People aren’t perfect, Morgan. I can’t be who you want me to be all the time!” he said, seeming to be sad.

“Then open up to me! We’ve been together long enough that you shouldn’t be so crazy about not telling me things. Tell me what’s wrong! Let me help!” she begged.

“You don’t understand,” he said, quieter now.

She stomped her foot angrily, “Then who does!? Is it Parker? Is there more there that I need to know about you two?”

“She’s not the reason I’m acting this way,” he grumbled.

“You used to love her, didn’t you?”

“God damn. I love you Parker!”

Eric now stopped singing completely and the bar fell silent since it was mostly full of their friends. Morgan’s eyes filled with tears.

“I’m Morgan. Not Parker.”

Austin had his hands on his hips and glanced at his friends. “That’s what I meant.”

“Right,” she said, tearfully pushing past him and to the door.

Parker’s cheeks flushed wildly as Austin lifted his head to meet her eyes, now making it so everyone was staring at her, including John who had since put some distance between them.

Austin stormed to the door, pushing it open loudly and exiting just as fast. The normality of the bar picked back up and John laughed nervously as he wrapped his arm around her waist.

“Is there something I should know?” he joked.

She shook her head, forcing a smile, “I’m wondering the same thing.”

++

Parker tapped her foot anxiously as she waited for her boyfriend to wrap up his conversation with some fans. Normally she didn’t mind, but these fans were more like groupies. They were pretty and probably barely legal and flirting shamelessly with John.

Finally they left and Parker and John continued their walk, she refusing to hold his hand.

“Are you seriously mad?” he asked.

“Did you really need to give them your phone number, John?” she asked.

“They wanted to show us around after the show! We’ve never been to Kansas City before. They were just being nice,” he defended.

“You should have given them Kennedy’s number. Or anyone who doesn’t have a girlfriend standing right there!” she said angrily.

“You have so many trust issues, Parker. If I was going to cheat on you I wouldn’t have asked you on this tour,” John said.

She shook her head, thankful her sunglasses hid her tear-filled eyes, “Asshole.”

Parker turned around and began walking. John called after her, “Where are you going?”

“Back to the venue,” she yelled back, “I’ll find something else to do after the show.”

She was trying not to be that obsessive girlfriend. She wouldn’t mind at all if he gave those girls his number if he didn’t have a bad track record.

Parker walked back into the venue and found the boys in A Rocket to the Moon sitting backstage. She sat down next to Justin.

“Hey kiddo. Where’s the boyfriend?” he asked.

She shrugged, “Why don’t you ask the girls he gave his number to?”

“Uh oh,” Eric said, “Trouble in paradise?”

“Nothing we haven’t dealt with before,” she sighed, knowing it was immature to bring others in to their problems. “Anyways, let’s do something!”

“Can we just take a team nap?” Halvo asked, “Parker, feel free to come lay on this small couch.”

She rolled her eyes and sighed, “You guys are no fun.”

Parker walked aimlessly around the venue, looking for someone to talk to. She walked around for so long that before she knew the doors were being opened.

She took her place behind the merchandise table and Austin came running up to her.

“I need a massive favor.”

“Um… no,” she said flatly.

“Morgan ran off with one of her friends that lives down here and I don’t have anyone to do merch,” he said, pleading.

“I have my own table to take care of, Austin. Why don’t you find someone who is your friend?” she asked.

“Parker, please,” he begged, “I’ll do it the second I get off stage. No one even likes me anyways, you’ll probably sell like… two shirts.”

She couldn’t help but to laugh a little at his self-deprecation. But she couldn’t let him get the satisfaction. And this seemed an awful lot like a test to see if she still let people walk all over her. So she shook her head, “Sorry, no.”

His lips turned down into a small frown before he ran off to find someone else. She felt proud of herself, but still a tiny bit of guilt wracked her. And then she remembered their fight, and she was proud again.

Some member of his crew ended up filling in, but true to his word, the second he was done playing he was by Parker’s side selling shirts.

Once A Rocket to the Moon started playing and the merch crowd slowed down she looked at Austin, “So… are we just going to ignore each other all night?”

He looked up from his cell phone, surprised she was even speaking to him, “I figured that’s what you wanted.”

“You understand why I said no, don’t you?” she asked.

He nodded his head, “No explanation needed.”

“So I passed the test then?”

He cocked his head sideways for a moment before realizing what she meant. He gave her a sad smile, “Not everything is a game to me, Parker.”

“Like your girlfriend leaving you?”

“She didn’t leave,” he huffed, “She’s just gone at the moment.”

“And you’re not chasing after her?”

He shook his head slowly, “Just like John isn’t chasing after you.”

Her face fell, “How do you know about that?”

“I saw him flirting with some girls down the street. You two have a fight?” he asked.

“No,” she replied.

“See how awesome it feels to have someone you don’t want in your business?” he asked.

“It became my business when you told Morgan that you love me,” she scoffed.

His lips formed in a straight line, “That was a mistake.”

“You seem to make a lot of those,” Parker lifted her eyebrows, inwardly proud of her confidence and composure.

Austin didn’t respond and a few seconds later he spun around on the heel of his boot and left. She smiled outright now, knowing she had won.

Maybe if she couldn’t get him to stop playing his games, she would just have to start playing along.