Status: Complete
A Minute Without You
pain
Chapter 5:
"You can't do that!" i screamed at my father, "I LOVE HIM!"
"you're 17 years old, you don't love him. you don't know the meaning of love."
"I KNOW ONE THING!!!!" i shouted back, "I HATE YOU!!!!"
i ran out of the door crying, i didnt turn around when my father came after me, i just kept running. i needed to get out of there, i needed my friends. missy was the friend who lived closest to me, so i ran straight for her apartment. she was eighteen and lived with her boyfriend. i didnt stop running even though i thought my heart would explode, at that point i felt like that would be a good thing. i didnt know how i was going to survive if i couldnt be with taylor. i burst through missy's door and ran straight to her bedroom, by this time i was hysterical. i opened the door to her bedroom and got an eyeful of gerard's nakedness. he and missy were having sex.
"oh God, i'm sorry." i said still crying and i ran back outside and sat just outside of the door holding myself.
a few minutes later missy came out with a tshirt and sweat pants on and wrapped her arms around me, she asked what happened. i replayed the evening's events to her and i cried the whole time. i didnt know if she understood what i was saying or not, but, i didnt care, i just needed her to know. i needed help. i had suicidal thoughts running through my head. i just knew i couldn't live another day without my taylor.
"i just don't know -sniff- if i can live -sniff- without him. i dont think i want to -sniff- live without him. what good is life -sniff- if taylor isnt in it?"
missy, with a shocked look on her face, scolded me for even thinking such a thing. she held me in her arms and rocked me back and forth as i cried. gerard had called everyone else and soon we were all gathered in missy's living room. everyone was there missy, gerard, brandy, jacoby, anna, bert, brittnie, and frank. everyone except for taylor. i couldnt tell the story again, i choked on my words, so missy let everyone else know what was going on. missy and gerard agreed to let everyone camp out at her place so that i wouldnt be alone.
after everyone had fallen asleep all over the living room, i went into the bathroom and locked myself in. i sat down on the toilet and started thinking about how my life would be without the one person i had given my whole self to, body and spirit. he was a part of me, i needed him like i need air in my lungs. he was the water i thirsted for. he was everything. i began to cry again and i started thinking that things would be better off if maybe i wasnt alive. but, then i started thinking about how hurt taylor would be if he knew i'd taken my own life. and i decided against killing myself... for now. but, the pain was still there and it was more than i could handle. i prayed to God to send me a way to get rid of the emotions. to make me numb to the heartache. that's when i looked up and saw the scissors on the counter. i saw them as my way to help myself with the pain on the inside. i thought that maybe if i made my outside hurt too, then it wouldnt hurt so bad on the inside. i opened the scissors and placed the blade on my forearm. i moved it slowly across my arm until there was a thin crimson line just above my wrist. i cried some more. i still hurt just as bad on the inside, so i did it again... and again... and finally i started to feel some kind of release. i put the scissors back down and wiped the blood from my arm. i left the bathroom to go join the others in the living room. i took my place on the floor and fell asleep.
"You can't do that!" i screamed at my father, "I LOVE HIM!"
"you're 17 years old, you don't love him. you don't know the meaning of love."
"I KNOW ONE THING!!!!" i shouted back, "I HATE YOU!!!!"
i ran out of the door crying, i didnt turn around when my father came after me, i just kept running. i needed to get out of there, i needed my friends. missy was the friend who lived closest to me, so i ran straight for her apartment. she was eighteen and lived with her boyfriend. i didnt stop running even though i thought my heart would explode, at that point i felt like that would be a good thing. i didnt know how i was going to survive if i couldnt be with taylor. i burst through missy's door and ran straight to her bedroom, by this time i was hysterical. i opened the door to her bedroom and got an eyeful of gerard's nakedness. he and missy were having sex.
"oh God, i'm sorry." i said still crying and i ran back outside and sat just outside of the door holding myself.
a few minutes later missy came out with a tshirt and sweat pants on and wrapped her arms around me, she asked what happened. i replayed the evening's events to her and i cried the whole time. i didnt know if she understood what i was saying or not, but, i didnt care, i just needed her to know. i needed help. i had suicidal thoughts running through my head. i just knew i couldn't live another day without my taylor.
"i just don't know -sniff- if i can live -sniff- without him. i dont think i want to -sniff- live without him. what good is life -sniff- if taylor isnt in it?"
missy, with a shocked look on her face, scolded me for even thinking such a thing. she held me in her arms and rocked me back and forth as i cried. gerard had called everyone else and soon we were all gathered in missy's living room. everyone was there missy, gerard, brandy, jacoby, anna, bert, brittnie, and frank. everyone except for taylor. i couldnt tell the story again, i choked on my words, so missy let everyone else know what was going on. missy and gerard agreed to let everyone camp out at her place so that i wouldnt be alone.
after everyone had fallen asleep all over the living room, i went into the bathroom and locked myself in. i sat down on the toilet and started thinking about how my life would be without the one person i had given my whole self to, body and spirit. he was a part of me, i needed him like i need air in my lungs. he was the water i thirsted for. he was everything. i began to cry again and i started thinking that things would be better off if maybe i wasnt alive. but, then i started thinking about how hurt taylor would be if he knew i'd taken my own life. and i decided against killing myself... for now. but, the pain was still there and it was more than i could handle. i prayed to God to send me a way to get rid of the emotions. to make me numb to the heartache. that's when i looked up and saw the scissors on the counter. i saw them as my way to help myself with the pain on the inside. i thought that maybe if i made my outside hurt too, then it wouldnt hurt so bad on the inside. i opened the scissors and placed the blade on my forearm. i moved it slowly across my arm until there was a thin crimson line just above my wrist. i cried some more. i still hurt just as bad on the inside, so i did it again... and again... and finally i started to feel some kind of release. i put the scissors back down and wiped the blood from my arm. i left the bathroom to go join the others in the living room. i took my place on the floor and fell asleep.
♠ ♠ ♠
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