Imperfect

“Ryan, please don’t make this any harder than it already has to be, okay? I don’t like this any more than you do,” Sasha hissed at her boyfriend, turning away so that she wasn’t facing him any longer before she took a few steps backwards. She knew that if she looked up into his eyes and saw the hurt lingering in them, she’d change her mind about what she had just said to him.

“What’s so hard about it?” He asked her, sounding more wounded than she had expected to hear. “You’re fucking breaking up with me for no reason. Fuck, you’re no better than her.”

At this, Sasha spun around, glaring at him before crossing her arms tightly over her chest, pretending that maybe if she did that, his sharp words wouldn’t hurt her heart as much as they did. She knew damn well what he was saying, and it was worse than his anger.

“Don’t say that, Ry,” she muttered, looking up at him briefly before darting her tongue out to wet her bottom lip. “I don’t want to hurt you. And that’s why we have to break up. We’re not good for—”

“Oh, so that’s your excuse?” He snapped at her. She tried to stop the tears from falling out of her eyes, but when he said those words, cutting off what she’d been about to say, she couldn’t help it anymore, and the tears started to slip out of her eyes.

“It’s true, Ryan,” she whispered. “I’m seventeen! I am in no way good for you, and…maybe you’re not so good for me, either.”

It was a hard realization to face, and she knew it. When she had first started dating Ryan, she hadn’t thought their significant age gap was going to mean anything. She’d seen relationships with age gaps bigger than theirs work well, so she’d thought that they could make a lasting relationship. But she hadn’t taken into consideration a lot of different factors; factors that hurt her and weren’t fair to either of them.

His face fell at her last words, and then darkened before his hands tightened into fists at his sides. “I was fucking stupid to think you’d be any different,” was all he said before he turned to walk over to his car, not caring that he was leaving her stranded on the old football field they always met at.

She was more than hurt as she watched him drive off, knowing that she had successfully managed to break both of their hearts. It wasn’t something that she has tried to do—hell, she had never intended on breaking his heart. She’d never thought Ryan would care so much about her, especially since he was older and supposedly more mature. It wasn’t fair in her eyes that he’d had to pick someone like her to fall in love with. She wasn’t the kind of girl he needed in his life, and even if he didn’t know it, she did.

He needed a girl who could hang out with him in public, someone who could take pictures with him. He needed someone who could spend the night at his house and cuddle with him; someone he could wrap his arms around. He needed someone who could satisfy all of his needs—sexually and otherwise. And Sasha wasn’t that girl right now.

She took a deep breath, trying to regain her composure as she started walking home, trying to ignore the cold Pennsylvania weather that had settled over West Chester. She had always hated living here, but she had bared it because of Ryan. Now that they were broken up, there was nothing here in this town for her, and she wanted nothing more than to leave. She knew that wouldn’t be happening, since her family was here, but she could hope and wish that somehow, she wouldn’t have to stay here. She knew Ryan would never leave, and with so much heartbreak between them, this town wasn’t big enough for both of them.



That night after Sasha got home, she couldn’t stop thinking about Ryan. He was someone that she knew she shouldn’t want. He was thirty, and she was only seventeen. He was no good for her; she needed to go to college, get a degree…maybe someday start a family. She didn’t think Ryan wanted any of that, and she didn’t know if they could have a relationship strong enough to survive all of that. And yet, it didn’t stop her from thinking about him.

She loved the way he could make her feel protected and cared about. They hadn’t gone past hugging and a little bit of kissing since they’d been together, though there was a lot of touching in some of their make out sessions. She loved the way he would let her look at his tattoos and kiss them. She loved the way he’d make her burnt macaroni and cheese any time she did get a chance to go over to his house, simply for the fact that he didn’t know how to make anything else.

She groaned and looked at the clock, seeing that it was a little after nine o’clock at night. She knew there was a high likelihood that Ryan wasn’t home, because he liked to drink with his friends at night. She decided it didn’t matter as she stood up, pulling her coat off of the rack by her door. Even if she couldn’t be in a relationship with him anymore, she needed to see him. She needed to give him, as well as herself, some closure.

She made sure her bedroom door was locked before she started crawling out of her bedroom window. It was a long jump to the bush that was beneath her bedroom window, but it was something she had to do, and she knew that the coat she was wearing would—or should—stop her from getting too scratched up.

She jumped and closed her eyes, groaning when she landed in the bush before she quickly got out of it so she could start making her way to Ryan’s house. It wasn’t too far from her own place, and she knew that she needed to get there soon. The weather was cold, but to Sasha, it didn’t matter. Right now, her heart was colder than any wind could be, and she needed Ryan to make it better.

When she finally got to his house, she felt heartbroken to see that she was right—his car was gone from the driveway, and all the lights in his house were off. She didn’t want to go home without seeing him tonight, but she wasn’t going to break into his house. She checked the clock on her cell phone and saw that it was just a little after eleven, and she decided she’d sit and wait on his doorstep until he came home. She didn’t have school the next morning, and if her parents figured out that she wasn’t in her room, she would just tell them she had snuck out to go to her friend’s house.

She waited for another hour and a half before she finally saw his car coming towards the driveway. He pulled into the driveway and then got out of the car, stopping when he saw her sitting on his doorstep. He groaned and then walked over to her, sitting on the doorstep with her.

“What are you here for, Sasha?” He asked her, not bothering to be gentle about it. She could tell he’d been drinking at least a little bit, and it worried her somewhat that this conversation wasn’t going to go as well as she had been hoping it would. She took a deep breath and then looked up at him before giving him a small, half-hearted smile.

“Can we talk inside? It’s a bit cold to be out here,” she muttered under her breath.

He seemed to think it over for several minutes before he nodded. He was obviously shocked to see her here, and she knew damn well that she saw a faint trace of hurt still locked behind his eyes as he led her inside after unlocking the door and opening it.

“You don’t really have any reason being here, Sash. You broke up with me, so it doesn’t really matter what you have to say, does it?”

Sasha once again just sighed before turning so that she was facing him, knowing that what she was about to say would hurt both of them temporarily, but also possibly help them both as well. He sighed and then pushed his hand back through his hair as he waited patiently for her to say something before she brought her hand to touch the side of his face carefully.

“You know I care about you, don’t you Ry?” She asked him, wanting to make that was cleared up before anything else was said. He exhaled lightly when he felt he hand on his cheek before he brought his hand up to touch her hand, a small frown forming on her face.

“It doesn’t matter if I do,” he muttered, taking her hand off of his face before he looked down at her with a small frown. “Just leave me alone,” he muttered before he started to walk towards his bedroom. Instead of leaving like he had asked her to, she just shook he her head and followed, grabbing his arm and turning him around so that they were facing each other. It was only when she saw the amount of hurt in his eyes when she realized there was no way in hell she was going to be able to do this. It was wrong, neither of them was right for each other, but…she loved him. And she knew that he loved her, too.

“I can’t do this,” she breathed out as she closed the space between them before she touched the side of his face again, leaning in to brush her lips over his before she hugged him. Ryan seemed caught off guard, and didn’t return her hug for several minutes before he finally did, still shocked.

“What?” He asked her, blinking as he looked down at her. She groaned and then pulled away, looking up at him before she started leading him towards his bed, a small smile on his face as he sat down, letting her sit next to him.

“In a perfect world, we would have met at the right time, Ryan. We would have met when I was the right age; when it was the right place, and the right moment. But we don’t live in a perfect world and we met at entirely the wrong time.”

“Okay…Not following, here,” he muttered, not understanding what Sasha was saying to him before she leaned in and kissed him again, a few tears falling out of her eyes. This time, though, they weren’t tears of sadness. They were happy tears. Before, she’d been convinced that she was doing the right thing by breaking up with Ryan. And now, she knew it was the wrong thing.

“I can’t break up with you,” she whispered as she squeezed his hands. “Because I love you too much, Ryan. I know I shouldn’t, and that we’re not right or good for each other, but…I love you.”

If he hadn’t already been shocked, he was absolutely blown away by what she had just confessed to him. For several minutes, he didn’t know whether or not to tell her to get the fuck away from him, or kiss her and tell her how happy he was.

He chose the latter.

“Don’t ever fucking scare me like this again, Sasha,” he muttered as he laid her back against his mattress before he kissed her neck lightly, letting her run her hands along his arms as he kissed her. “You have no idea how fucked up I felt.”

“I know,” she murmured, opening her eyes to look at him with a small frown. “I’m sorry, Ryan. It’s not going to happen again. I love you, and I don’t care how imperfect this world is. I love you, and I don’t ever want to let go of you again.”