In the Silence

It turns out that I did have 5th lunch. I had to get settled in with my teachers, though, so I couldn’t go to lunch today. I was kind of relieved; I didn’t know how to just walk up to a table and ask to sit there anymore. I wasn’t that girl anymore.

My day had gone pretty well, I met a girl named Cassadee in my English class. She was really nice, and made me feel really welcomed. She was a really open person, I gathered, and talkative. It was really nice.

I couldn’t get over thinking about who that boy, Alex, really was. How the fuck did he know my name? I wasn’t holding anything with my name on it, and I know I hadn’t said it. It bothered me the whole day, and I could barely concentrate.

Being home now, I was laying on my bed, iPod playing from my laptop. The homework was all easy, things I had done before. It was almost dinnertime, and I was actually hungry for once. I didn’t have lunch, after all.

“Jasey! Turn down your music and come for dinner!” One thing that really bugged me was mom hated my music. Simply hated it. I never blasted it around her, or anything, but still she downgraded it whenever she could. She just didn’t understand; this music saved my life.

Regardless, I shut my laptop and walked down the stairs, sitting down at the table. Dad wasn’t home yet, and I figured he wouldn’t be, for a while. Since he had a new job, he had to get on their good side, so overtime was expected. I didn’t really care, anyway. I liked my parents, but I had little feeling for anyone anymore.

“How was your day, honey? Did you see Alex?” My head snapped up from the plate that was under me, and I looked at my mom. Alex? What the hell? Was mom talking about the boy from school?

“Alright, am I missing something, here?” My mom looked at me with a confused expression as she sat down to eat, too.

“What are you talking about, dear?”

“Alex. Why are you asking me about an Alex? A boy named Alex came up to me today, knew my name, but I have no idea who he is. How do you know him, too?” I was kind of ranting, by this point, but it was irritating me all day. True, my mom could have been talking about another Alex, but c’mon, what were the odds?

I heard my mom chuckle, and my eyebrows drew together in confusion. Today was a weird fucking day. “Alex was always a prankster…so I think we might be talking about the same one. Alex Gaskarth, honey! Don’t you remember? You played with him all the time, back when you were younger. You and…you and Jake. Don’t you remember?”

I was momentarily shocked by the reference of Jake. After his funeral, my mom and dad made it seem like Jake never existed. No mentions of him were ever brought up, pictures were hidden, and anything that could relatively remind us of him was removed. I wanted to scream. To punch and kick them; tell them that they couldn’t just throw him out. He was still my big brother, dead or alive.

The emotion choked me for a moment, and I took a sip of juice. Focus, Jasey. They’re not going to change. Focus on the present. “Alex Gaskarth, you say? Hmm…” I had to think long and hard, and dig up some memories from my childhood.

“I remember a boy who would always come over to play with Jake, and I’d always tag along. He had a slight British accent…” I smiled faintly at the memories, lost in thought. I heard my mom chuckle.

“Yes! Yes, that’s the Alex I’m talking about! I’m sure his accent probably died down, living here, but yes! Did you see him?”

“Mom…I wouldn’t know what he looked like…” I paused, trying to remember the last time I saw him. “God, when was the last time we even hung out?” Chuckling, my mom told me story after story over dinner about the crazy shit the three of us kids used to do.

“So…so wait, how did he know who I was?” After the laughter and things, the questions started to come back. At least I knew I wasn’t being stalked by some penis muncher…or something.

“Oh, I had a lovely chat with his mother a few nights ago! She’s still such a lovely woman. I’m guessing she probably told him” Well, what an asshole! Freaking me the fuck out like that. He should have just said something! I wouldn’t have reacted weirdly. It would have been nice to know someone! I had a ton of pissed off emotions running through me, but I merely nodded at my mom, smiling and nodding as she kept talking.

Dinner couldn’t last forever, and the awkwardness was back. My chest tightened a little while walking the steps up to my room in silence, as I thought about all the times with Jake. Things were still tough. I was coping in my own way, getting through each day, but I wasn’t getting any better. I was just…being.

I read for the rest of the night, a book entitled ‘Go Ask Alice’ catching my eye. It was a horrifyingly heart breaking story, about a girl who goes through drug addictions and teenage life. I couldn’t put it down.

“Honey, I know you’re old enough, but it’s 12 am, and I wouldn’t want you too tired for school!” My mom’s voice was soft from all the way downstairs, but I heard her anyway. A small smile came to my face, but it vanished quickly. Mom was never up this late.
Walking down the stairs, I found her sitting on the living room couch, reading a magazine.

“Not tired?” I asked, and she smiled softly.

“Honey, thank you for the concern. I’m just waiting for your father, for a bit. He hasn’t returned home yet…the job must be working him to the bone.” I heard the worry in her voice, and I winced a little. I wasn’t good with helping people, especially not my mom.

“I’m sure he’ll be fine, mom. He’ll be home soon.”

“You’re right, honey. Now, get up to bed! You have school early in the morning. “ We didn’t hug or anything, but I felt closer to her than I had in a while. Making my way up to my bedroom, I thought about Alex.

Boy, was I going to let him have it, that jerk. Freaking me out like that! Not cool. I was being a little dramatic, I obviously wasn’t going to do anything drastic. Nevertheless, he was going to hear about this.

∆∆∆

I left earlier than usual the next morning. I saw my mom asleep on the couch, and a touch of guilt hit me. I guess dad never came home that night. He must be working hard…

It was around 7:30 AM when I got to school, and I had a half hour to kill. There were quite a few people there already, but it seemed to me that they didn’t like me much. I grumbled, deciding to take a walk outside, then. The weather was nice with a slight chill, and I rubbed my hands together.

“You should really invest in a sweater. They come in handy, in Maryland.” I jumped slightly, startled at the voice. It was Alex. Before I spoke, I took his appearance in. I figured out yesterday that he was attractive, but I wanted more than that, for some reason. I remembered him as the short, scrawny boy who was friends with Jake. Now…well, he was tall. He was still kind of scrawny, but I could see a little bit of muscle in his arms. I didn’t like really muscley guys anyway. His brown hair was styled, but messy. He was attractive, and judging from the way he stood, he knew it.

I felt my face warm a bit, and pushed those thoughts out of my head, bringing in the pissed off-ness that I had from earlier. “YOU!”

“Me!” He held his hands up in mock surrender, taking a seat on the bench that we were situated in front of. I stood standing.

“Alex Gaskarth.”
“Yes, I think we’ve established that you’re talking to, and about, me.” I flipped him off, and he grinned this lazy grin that I knew I could grow used to. Maybe. If he wasn’t a jerk.

“We…you…I know you.” I paused here, but before he could insert another snarky comment, I continued. “You used to play with my…brother and I. When we were little. You…you used to live in New York…in the place right down the street from us. You…yeah. It was you.”

He was quiet for a moment, so I continued again, on a roll. “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME WHO YOU WERE? I spent my whole day freaking out, thinking I had some…I don’t know, psychotic stalker on my hands, or something.” I took a seat next to him as he laughed at this. I narrowed my eyes.

“I’m sorry, Jasey.” His tone was still light, but for some reason it sounded odd when he said my name. “My mom told me you were coming here, and to welcome you. I didn’t really expect to see you or even recognize you, except; you had the same blue eyes. And then I figured, well, I had 5 minutes. I could try to cram who I was and what the deal was in that time, or…I could start my Monday off with a kick.”

“You’re an asshole.” He grinned at the reasoning. “Yeah, I got used to that title a while back.”

I was going to have a hard time with this one, wasn’t i?