The Amazingly Magical Stories of Harry Putter and the Putters

When Uncle Vernando’s head blew up, nothing seemed terribly strange to Harry at all. However, as the days went by, he began to wonder more and more if it had been a dream. After all, he did dream about awfully strange things… like flying golf carts… and old Gothic men who wear punk rock band T-shirts… and cats who talk and no one finds it strange… and lots and lots and lots of golf clubs for some reason… but that seemed irrelevant. The truth of the matter was that Uncle Vernando’s head did indeed blow up, and deep down, Harry knew that it was not just a dream.

The Dizzlys never spoke of the incident again. If Harry ever brought it up, they would tell him in harsh tones that he had dreamt the whole thing, and then Uncle Vernando would proceed to whack the boy on the backside with his cane. Harry did not like this very much, so eventually he learned to stay quiet and remain under the kitchen table like a good little dog boy.

But one day, about a week after the incident, a letter came for Harry in the mail. There were several strange things about this letter. First of all, the envelope was sealed with a sticker of a pig holding a golf club with the letters WH decorating the borders. Second, the address on the front of the envelope read “Harry Putter, Under the Kitchen Table, Number Forty, Sweetbriar Drive, Small Lynching, England, Planet Earth, Milky Way Galaxy” with two post scripts written underneath it in a very untidy, childlike scrawl: “P. S. Yu wer so kyoot ay cud jus skweez yu,” and “P. P. S. Do nawt let deh waggers cee dis ledder.” And third, it had arrived to him via a lizard that had climbed down through the chimney. This was most strange because he had never seen a wild lizard before in his life.

But when Aunt Parnsip saw the lizard crawling around her house, she immediately freaked out and started chasing it around with a broom, attempting to kill it. It escaped again up the chimney, but Aunt Parnsip was successful in getting the letter away from Harry, because amidst all the hustle and bustle of the chase, Cadberry had found the letter on the ground and picked it up and ate it, thinking it was some kind of wafer or something. He then proceeded to insult Harry, who cried for hours.

The next day, Uncle Vernando and Aunt Parsnip were in another argument about which dictator had more swag, and no one noticed the little lizard that climbed cautiously down the chimney and over to Harry’s spot under the table to deliver a second letter. However, Uncle Vernando, not knowing the lizard was there, accidentally squished it several times under his cane as he pounded it against the floor. The dead lizard guts spilled all over the letter, and even if Harry did want to touch it after that, the blood had seeped so far into the envelope that it had become unreadable.

The same thing happened to the third lizard, and the third letter. No one had noticed any of the lizards except the first one.

But on the fourth day, an iguana walked through the doggie door with a letter clutched tightly in its mouth. Cadberry saw it before Harry and thought it was a stray dog for some reason, so he tied a piece of rope around its neck and attempted to take it for a walk. When this didn’t work, he picked the creature up and threw it on the floor angrily, where it bounced a little before dropping the letter and scurrying away in fright. Cadberry had been so angry, however, that he didn’t even notice or care when his muddy shoes trod all over the kitchen and, of course, the letter.

After the disaster on the fifth day, Harry had figured out three things about the person who was trying to write to him.

First, whoever it was, they were completely and utterly out of their minds.

Second, they were fighting a losing battle, because Harry still had not gotten his letter.

And third, they had a strange obsession with reptiles.

On the fifth day, you see, a snake entered the house through the chimney. It was not any ordinary snake, though. It was a python and it had to have been at least sixty feet long. Either that or everyone in the Dizzly house had suddenly gone insane and it was all just a hallucination.

Anyway, Aunt Parsnip screamed and immediately jumped on top of the table, which suddenly broke as Uncle Vernando whacked his cane against it, and she landed on top of Harry.

Uncle Vernando then attempted to ward the beast off with his cane, but the snake just ended up swallowing it, causing the fat man to burst into giant, childlike tears.

Cadberry just stood there watching the whole thing while munching on a chocolate chip cookie that was roughly the size of his middle. Apparently he was under the impression that he was watching a television program… until, that is, the snake slithered right up to him and began to weave in and out of his legs, at which point he dropped his giant cookie (which truly was a feat, since he never let go of anything that he was eating until he had finished eating it) and ran from the house screaming.

The snake swallowed the cookie, and as Uncle Vernando and Aunt Parsnip ran madly around the house calling exterminators and preparing their things to move, Harry’s letter lay on the ground, forgotten.

Two seconds after Harry remembered it was there, the snake slithered right up to it and swallowed it. Then, realizing what it had done, slid itself up to Harry, apologized, and left the house.

The Dizzlys moved far, far away after that, and didn’t take much liking to reptiles for the rest of their lives probably.

But still, they could not escape the wrath of the angry reptiles, which were now more determined than ever to deliver this letter to Harry (who, surprisingly, had literally no injuries from Aunt Parnsip breaking the table and landing on top of him, like, seriously, none).

They had lived in a nice little cottage in Greenland for no more than a day when an alligator, a crocodile, and a hippo all trounced in at once, each of them carrying a dozen letters.

This freaked them out so they moved again, this time to some really remote place in New Guinea.

Then a polar bear came with a letter.

Uncle Vernando shot it, then continued to prod it with his seventh cane for hours on end (first to make sure that it was really dead, and then just because he liked his cane). It bled all over the letter, just like the last two lizards did…

For about a month, the Dizzlys and Harry hopped from house to house to escape the strange letter-bearing animals, who always came in through the chimneys, and if there wasn’t any chimney to come in through, then one would magically appear like in The Santa Clause or whatever that Christmas movie was, but I’m pretty sure it was The Santa Clause.

Finally, Cadberry made an intelligent decision. It was, quite possibly, the only intelligent decision he had ever made in his life.

“Why don’t we just let them give Harry the letters?” he asked Uncle Vernando one day.

“Don’t be ridiculous, my young boy!” bellowed the fat man, as he waved his cane around in the air. “Your mother and I know much more about his past than we are letting on, obviously, although we would never admit that because we are far too intelligent to do so, and we know what these letters all say, and we’re not giving them to him for a very, very, very good reason!!!”

“And what reason is that?” Harry asked sadly, for he had wanted nothing more than to read his letters for a very, very, very long time now.

“Pssht! Like I’d tell you!”

“What reason is that, Dad?” asked Cadberry, genuinely curious.

“Well, obviously, it’s—it’s—it’s…” He said nothing after that, but instead handed Cadberry a giant plate of delicious chocolatey English snacks. Cadberry teased Harry with the chocolates and then insulted him, and Harry ran out of the house crying.

Neither boy asked Uncle Vernando or Aunt Parsnip anything about the letters after that.

The only good part about all this, thought Harry silently one night, is that I don’t have to live under a kitchen table anymore!

It was true. Somewhere in the middle of one of their many moves, Aunt Parsnip and Uncle Vernando suddenly realized that Harry was an actual human being, not a dog, and allowed him to sleep on a SleepNumber mattress. But they made the mattress as soft as it could possibly go and then stole the little remote thingy that controls the softness, so Harry was constantly suffering from a very stiff back.

Harry asked Aunt Parsnip why they did this to him, but she merely shoved a dirty gym sock in his mouth and called him a hag turd.

He then asked Uncle Vernando the same question, and he gave the boy an insult and a dirty look.

As Harry was beginning to tear up at the insult, Cadberry asked the very same question, to which Uncle Vernando gave the most honest answer he could ever give to any question ever:

“Because Parsnip’s a bitch who thinks Hitler has more swag than Stalin.”

Although Uncle Vernando and Aunt Parsnip had constantly been clashing due to their swag debate, for the most part, their relationship was as normal as ever. And despite their constant change in residencies, the family seemed totally normal: Vernando continued to act as Parsnip’s puppy dog; Harry was miserable as always; and Cadberry continued to eat anything chocolatey 24/7.

Yes, 24/7.

Even while he slept and showered and pooped.