I Love You Five

I Love You One....

Sixteen year old me sat outside my high school on a barricade that was so old it was now just a hunk of cement, legs crossed and a cigarette jammed between my lips, skipping the last class of the day for no other reason than it bored me, and I wanted to think. I exhaled, and turned my head to left when I heard the sound of approaching foot steps.

A girl was walking briskly, hair so dark it was almost black, long legs, long torso, thin arms, crystal blue eyes, wearing a t-shirt and skirt. I noticed all that, before I noticed the tears streaming down her milky white cheeks.

I watched her walk, and when she was a few paces past me, I pulled the cigarette from my lips, and whistled. "Hey."

She turned slowly, wiping her eyes with the back of her wrist. "...Hey?"

"You alright?" I asked, nodding at her. She looked at me like I was a moron.

"Yeah, I'm fine..." She muttered, and started turning away.

"No you're not. You're crying."

"Well, why do you care!?" She asked, crossing her arms over her chest. "I don't even know you."

"Cause. You're here, I'm here, you're upset. If I just let you walk away crying, I'd be sort of a dick." I nodded towards the spot on the concrete beside me. "Wanna sit?"

She hesitantly walked over, and sat beside me. I raised my eyebrows, holding my cigarette out to her. She took it, and took a long drag, blowing out slowly. The smoke curled up around her hair, and she turned and looked at me, her eyes red from crying. I was sort of surprised she actually took the smoke. She looked so proper.

"So. What's wrong?"

"Well," she scoffed, rolling her eyes. "We could start with my parents calling in the middle of class, having the office send me down just so they could tell me they're divorcing over the phone. There's also the fact that I'm happy about it because they're usually to busy fighting to notice I exist. Then there's the fact that apparently, neither of them want me, so I'll be living with my fucking prune of a grandmother until Grad." She sucked angrily on my cigarette, and then handed it back. "That's the start."

I whistled. "Wow. That's horrible."

"Tell me about it."

"Why do you think they don't want you?" I asked. Her pink lip quivered, and I immediately scolded myself for asking such a question.

"Neither of them exactly have the money to support me on their own. Besides, they had me when they were teenagers. They just want their own lives now."

I wanted to hug her, but she didn't even know me. I felt so bad for her, being thrown around like that. I knew family troubles, and I knew how much she was probably hurting. I wanted to hug her. But, I couldn't.

I nodded slowly. "I see..."

"Sorry for burdening you with my troubles..." She mumbled, standing up.

"No, no, you weren't. Please, sit. I mean, if you want. You don't have to, but..." I said, getting all flustered. I started blushing, and felt ridiculous.

She turned back, and smiled at me, perfect straight white teeth. "I'll sit."

"I'm Christofer, by the way. Call me Chris. Or Christofer. Or whatever you want to call me." I said, holding my hand out.

She giggled, like tinkling bells. "I'm Hazel."

"Nice to meet you, although I wish they were on better circumstances." I said, holding her hand in mine, and shaking it.

"Nice to meet you too."

It was quiet. We both looked up at the sky. I wondered what she was thinking. I wondered if she wondered what I was thinking too.

"You know, technically, you aren't supposed to smoke on school grounds." She said, as I put out my cigarette on the concrete.

"And technically, you're actually supposed to show up to class. But here we both are." I grinned.

"That is true..." Hazel shrugged. "What class should you be in right now?"

I wrinkled my nose. "English. You?"

"Math."

"Ugh. Math."

"No fucking kidding."

"So, what grade are you in, anyways?" I asked, running my fingers through my hair.

"Eleven. I'm fifteen."

"Ah. I'm a year ahead... Explains why we haven't met before."

"Well, now we have."

"Indeed, indeed we have."

The wind whipped through her hair, and she kicked at the ground, the gravel crunching under her feet. She sighed, and I looked over at her, eyebrows raised. "I gotta find someplace to be tonight. I should probably start asking my friends."

"If you need someplace to be... I can be your friend." I said, then realized how sort of awkward it sounded, and inched a little farther away from her.

Surprisingly, she smiled at me. A real smile. "Really?"

"Yeah. Sure. Really." I said uneasily.

"I'd love that. Can I meet you here at like... five or so?"

"Sounds good." I grinned, feeling extremely pleased with myself.

"I better get going then." She got up, and started walking away. "See ya soon."

I nodded, and waved, watching her walk until she disappeared into the distance.

We met up again that same night, same place, and she wrapped her arms around herself to hide from the cold, and we talked about everything. School, family, friends. She told me a lot about herself. How she never got the attention she deserved. Her parents never seemed to give a shit, her friends ignored her. How she felt invisible. I wanted to tell her she wasn't invisible. I saw her. I wanted to tell her that and a lot more, but I didn't. I didn't want to scare her off.

After that night, we were good friends, best friends even. She told me all her secrets, and I shared most of mine with her, and I gave her the attention I knew she deserved, and when she started to lose herself, I was the only one trying to get her back to the way she was. She only saw what she wanted to see, though. She only saw the no one cared about her, because I think it was easier for her to believe that. She never accepted the fact that I cared about her.

She never even noticed.

A, two...

"Chris, I can't believe it!" Hazel said, her head falling onto my chest, as she placed her hand on top of mine. "I'm graduating this year!"

I smiled down at her, my hand twitching against her touch. "I know." She had just started school, whereas I had already dropped out to focus on music. She supported me, listening to the songs she didn't know that were written about her, singing along, and smiling up at me from the corner of the stage. Sometimes it was hard to focus on the music when she was there, because I couldn't take my eyes off her.

Sometimes I wondered if she knew how shamelessly she flirted with me, and I wondered if she did it on purpose, or if she was just kidding around. I wondered if she knew how I felt about her, and if she did, I wondered if she felt the same way.

I sometimes tried to figure out while I felt the way I did, but the answer was right in front of me. Well, at the moment, technically right on top of me, but either way, you know.

I had almost told her once. I almost asked her to go to a movie, as a date, not just as friends. I went up to her, and the first thing she said to me, was that she had a date.

And all the courage I had built up sort of drained out, and I didn't want to use the energy to build it back up to be let down again like that.

She'd had a few boyfriends, usually not lasting very long. She didn't talk about them much, and when I asked her about them, even when they were dating, her lip would twitch, and she would change the subject. All the guys she dated were sort of humongous douche bags, who thought they were a lot better than they were. There were so many times when I saw Hazel staring wide-eyed and in love at one of those stupid douche bags that treated her like shit, and I just stood there, wanting to scream at her that I'd actually treat her right.

"So, Grad year. You're gonna have to dance a lot." I said, trying to snap out of my thoughts.

She tilted her head questioningly.

"There's all sorts of dancing occasions." I explained, laughing. "Can you dance?"

"Depends on what kind of dancing." She shrugged.

I sat up, gently taking her head off my chest. She stared at me as I got up off my bed, and held my hand out to her. "Dance with me."

"What!?"

"Practice. Come on."

She hesitantly stood up, and put one hand on my shoulder, the other in mine. My hand dropped to her waist. I felt the warmth of her body as we started to dance. We slow danced around my bedroom for a few minutes, in total silence. She rested her head on my shoulder, and I squeezed her right up to me, and she finally pulled away from her, brushing her dark hair away from her forehead, and looking at me with her gorgeous blue eyes, and god I wanted to lean in and kiss her so, so bad. "That was fun."

"Yeah."

"I'll have to dance with you at one of these "many dancing occasions"." She said, plopping down on my bed and grinning at me.

"Promise to save me a dance?"

"Promise."

I smiled at her, and sat down, draping my arm around her shoulder. "I'm holding you to it."

"As you can." She said, sticking her tongue out at me. "I'll dance with you."

"Okay." I smiled at her. I wasn't exactly the kind of guy that went to special occasions, and danced with pretty girls, but the thought of going there, doing that kind of stuff with Hazel made my head spin.

I think, at that point, I was more excited about her graduating than she was.

A three, shoobee doo...

And once again, she messed with my head.

I doubt she did it intentionally, but once again, I was sitting at home waiting for her to come over while she was out doing god knows what with her new boyfriend. After all those times we lay in my bed, and we were so close, then she just takes it all back, and goes off with some loser.

I wasn't mad at her though. It wasn't exactly her fault for caring about who she cared about. It would like her being mad at me for loving her. She would never know, though. Never.

At this point, it seemed like telling her wouldn't change anything at all, except make things awkward, and I couldn't do that. We had a great friendship ever since that day outside of school, and it would hurt both of us if I told her.

She was supposed to be here about two hours ago. I figured she'd "forgot", or something, so I decided to stop by her house to see if she was there. It wasn't like I really had anything better to do, anyways.

It was March, now, and graduation was coming quickly. Hazel was unbelievably excited many many reasons, the main one being the people in her school. They were extremely cruel to her, even though she didn't like to talk about it. They called her names, and looked at her in disgust. They treated her like dirt, and whispered behind her back about how filthy she was. I knew what they said, and I knew why they said it... I guess I just didn't want to think about it.

Hazel sort of had a reputation. She had a reputation of stealing girl's boyfriends, and having a lot of them. They called her a slut, said she was a cheap whore, made jokes about how she slept with everyone. I blocked it out. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't believe it, either. I didn't believe a single rumor about her. She never addressed them, but she didn't shy away from the negative attention, either. She took it with stride, pride, even. I think, because of the fact it was attention. Any kind of attention she appreciated.

There was nothing wrong with that. I could understand why she wanted everyone to see her, hear her. It was because it had never been that way. No one had granted her that courtesy before, so every chance she got to have attention, she took it. It wasn't really a good thing, but I understood it. I felt bad for her, but at the same time, I felt like she wasn't really opening her eyes to the fact that she did get attention-from me. Maybe she didn't want it. I didn't know.

I shoved my hands into my pockets, and approached her door, ringing the doorbell. I rocked back and forth on my heels uncomfortably, waiting for her to come to the door. I heard her voice, lowered to a sharp whisper, a giggle, and the door cracked open. Her hair was all messed up, her shirt askew. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Chris...hey...What are you doing here?"

"We were going to hang out today, remember?" I asked, my heart breaking. I heard a guy's voice calling Hazel back. I took a step away from the door, as her face turned bright red.

"Shit... I'm so sorry. I totally forgot. I'm sorry." She turned away from the door, and hissed "One minute" at whoever was over.

"I see."

"I'll make it up to you. I swear." She said, looking at me seriously. "But I gotta-"

"Hazel, why do you do this?"

"Do what?" She asked, scrunching up her nose and pretending like she had no idea what I was talking about.

"These losers don't care about you, Hazel, and you know it. Why do you go for them? They take what they want, and they leave. It always happens."

"But Chris... If I didn't nobody would... pay attention to me. No one would see me."

I reached out, grabbed her hand and squeezed it tight. "I see you."

She looked at me for a second, eyes wide, then yanked her hand away, and turning, slowly shutting the door.

And so, I just walked home.

I Love you four, that's more than I can afford

I stepped into the school gymnasium, adjusting my father's old suit, that just barely fit me. It was prom night, and even though I didn't technically attend that school anymore, I had gotten a ticket. It wasn't exactly like it was my kind of scene, all those people dressed up all fancy, dancing... but Hazel wouldn't speak to me since that day, and she was here, with the same guy that was over the last time we spoke.

After, when I got home I sort of wondered, maybe I didn't give her enough credit. Maybe these guys weren't as bad as they seemed. I didn't know them, I just sort of assumed by the way all the relationships ending so quick. I figured maybe, if she was happy, I should be too.

But a few people that I still talked to from school told me the exact opposite.

Maybe it was just rumors, I couldn't know for sure, but people told me when they were together in public, he treated her like a possession. He told her what to do, how to act. He controlled her.

He wasn't good for her, and I knew that. I knew she couldn't be as happy as she made herself seem. I knew, but I couldn't tell her. I couldn't help, because she didn't see me anymore. I wasn't totally sure why.

I looked around, seeing couples dancing, tons of dresses and guys in awkward tuxes, and finally, I saw Hazel, near the middle of the room, clutching some guy with short blonde hair, who I presumed was her boyfriend. I pushed my way through the room, muttering "excuse me, pardon me", yanking nervously on my tie, and tapped Hazel on the shoulder.

The first thing I noticed, was that she was gorgeous. Her dress was strapless, and purple, and her dark hair fell loosely in curls all around her shoulders. She turned and looked at me, her face immediately paling.

"Hazel..."

Her hands dropped off the guy, and she turned to look at me. "Chris, what are you doing here?" Her voice didn't sound angry or anything of the sort. Just... surprised.

"Hazel, who is this guy?" Her boyfriend said in disgust under his breath. She ignored him, and looked at me, waiting for my reply.

"You promised me a dance." I mumbled to her. She nodded, and fell into my arms. I felt the warmth of her body again, after so long.

I didn't have anything to offer Hazel. I didn't have money, or popularity, or anything else she might need, but I loved her. I could give her love, and the attention she deserved. For giving her nothing, I sure as hell could give her a lot.

A slow song started, and she rested her head on my chest while I wrapped my arms tightly around her. Her boyfriend had stalked off, obviously pissed, but I didn't care... and obviously, she didn't either.

"Chris?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry for not talking to you for so long. I was just scared."

"Scared of what?" I asked as she lifted her head from my chest, and glanced around.

"Actually caring about someone."

I smiled slightly, pulling her a bit closer to me.

"And Chris, I can't do it anymore. I can't be with him, and I was waiting for you to come and tell me that again, because I was too scared to do it alone."

"I'm sorry I didn't come sooner."

"It's okay... I don't blame you for that." She smiled. "But, it's just... I thought about it a lot, and no one gives a shit like you do. No one makes me happy like you do. So, Chris, um, I was wondering if maybe, you would-"

"Yes." I said, dipping my head in and pressing my lips lightly against hers. "Yes."

And I can tell some day that I'm gonna' say the truth
I love you five.