Forgetting Bee

It was like his accident all over again. To Bee, it was all heart breaking again. To reveal to her husband once again she had lost their child was possibly the worst thing that she could do.

“I was nineteen, you were twenty one and you just got your fancy job…” Bee sniffled an hour later, finally managing to talk properly. Scott hadn’t reacted, he couldn’t. He felt physically frozen, but his eyes were burning, desperate to cry for his forgotten loss.

“You were so excited, as was I. I was three months, and it was like three in the morning when I got agonizing stomach cramps and when you woke up, and switched on the light, there was blood all over the duvet. We rushed to the hospital and as soon as we got there, we knew….we had lost the baby” Bee explained miserably, wiping her cheeks as she held the precious photo.

Scott stared at the photo, and he placed his hand over Bee’s and stroked it softly, touching the photograph gently.

“We were going to have a baby.” He whispered to himself in disbelief.

“I’m so sorry Scott…” she mumbled, feeling ashamed and Scott immediately squeezed her close.

“Don’t be stupid Bee, this isn’t your fault. I’m kind of glad you didn’t tell me until now. I wouldn’t have coped.” He admitted, slightly lying. He still couldn’t cope now. Bee nodded, but disbelieved everything he said. To this very day, she still blames herself for not being able to keep that baby alive.

“If only I’d been more calm and not stressed out or-” Beth sobbed urgently. Scott instantly hushed her, and scolded her for saying such a thing.

“This isn’t ever your fault Bee. These things happen!” Scott argued, and Bee sniffled. She felt physically sick, as her stomach cramped at the memory of her miscarriage. She had suffered a lot of pain when she got to the hospital, emotional and physical pain.

“It ruined us.” Bee said meekly, as she tried to control her, taking deep breaths. Her eyelids were red from rubbing her eyes; black smears of mascara coated her cheeks, as did blotches of redness. She was a complete mess.

“What do you mean?” Scott asked confused, as he kept his grip around her shoulders firm.

“After the miscarriage, we both blamed ourselves. You threw yourself into work, we were arguing all the time about it, about how we shouldn’t have lost it. It was meant to be our responsibility. We even went to therapy. We tried everything to heal but it took us so long to even get remotely back to normal. It was only about six months before your accident that you were you again and I was me. You slowed down at work as you kept getting stress headaches…” Bee explained dejectedly.
Scott rubbed her arm comfortingly “If you don’t want to talk – I understand.” Scott said warily, as Bee fell silent. Shaking her head, she continued.

“On the night of your accident, you came home from work and you were stressed out because Bobby had been rough on you and I had been at the salon –” Bee paused as Scott nodded, letting her know she was following. He obviously had no recollection of that night, apart from what he had already been told.

“I was cooking dinner, and the bills were due and for some reason we were both in pissed-off moods. Eventually, we ended up arguing after brewing in one word answers. You completely flew off the handle and it wasn’t till I was screaming at you that you admitted that you had been thinking about the baby. You told me –” Bee paused, choking up. She closed her eyes tightly as the words that she had buried so deeply in her mind came to surface.

“What did I say?” Scott asked regretfully, he’d done something. She hadn’t ever told him this before.

“That you wish I’d never got pregnant in the first place.” Bee murmured, and looked expectantly at Scott, who looked stunned.

“I said that?” he said in disbelief, disgusted with him. Bee nodded in confirmation.

“I’m an asshole.” Scott said stiffly, and Bee laughed once. Surprised, Scott looked at her warily as why she had laughed.

“I said that to you. We had a huge screaming fight, I even threw a plate at you…and then you left. You stormed out and I begged you to come back, I shouted I was sorry but you were gone, speeding down the road and I didn’t hear off you….I got the call at like two in the morning that you had been in an accident and I physically threw up. I rushed to the hospital and you were in a coma.” Bee finished and Scott wasn’t sure what he was meant to say.

“Bee – ” Scott began, then paused and moved his arm and instead took her hand, interlacing their fingers, ignoring the tingle through his cells.

“I’m so sorry” he says croakily, as a huge lump rose in his throat. His eyes stung and his nose twitched, and Bee watched as he began to cry.

“I’m so sorry.” He sobbed and Bee immediately hugged him, holding him tightly, praying he’d never let go and kissed his temple, mumbling words.

“It’s okay” she reassured, but they both knew she was lying. It wasn’t okay anymore, nothing was okay about this.

“I want to go back, take me back. I can’t….fuck, take me back!” Scott begged, sobbing in manly sobs, clutching to his wife’s timid body. He wanted to reverse time, go all the way back to that night and take everything back. Bee’s face crumped into pain as her husband begged for forgiveness, and begged to go back to where it began. Bee’s heart felt like it was ripping, her throat ached in pain and she felt the wet, painful tears roll down her cheeks.

“I can’t do this anymore” Scott wept in distraught of everything. He was mourning a death, he was angry at himself and he most of all was filled with regret, regret of ever hurting Bee that way.

“Hey, listen to me.” Bee ordered, taking control. She let go of him and took his hands and placed them on her lap, keeping one hand on both of his shaking hands. She caressed his cheek, brushing the hair off his forehead, and pushing it back, soothing him like she would for a child.

“Look at me Scott.” Bee demanded softly, and Scott did, his eyes sparkled with fresh tears and filled with sorrow and pain. Bee tried to smile but it wobbled and fell back into a line. She tried again, and it gave away half. It gave some comfort.

“What happened that night was an accident and we both said words we deeply regret…and its okay that you can’t remember. To be honest, I envy you. I wish I could forget that night too. I wish I could forget the pain we went through after we lost the baby but I can’t.” Bee explained gently, stroking his cheek.

“I feel ashamed, I’ve forgotten everything, our life, our marriage….our baby.” Scott wallowed, and Bee nodded, sniffing to keep the fresh tears at bay.

“That’s not your fault though. Yes you got drunk, and yes you made the stupid mistake of driving, but no one in this world is perfect Scott. You never deserved amnesia, you never deserved it.” Bee said strongly, and gripped his hair delicately. He closed his eyes, relaxing as she touched his hair. He loved her doing that.

“No matter what happens. I’ll love you till the world ends Scott, I made a commitment a vow, and unless you want a divorce or to separate then that’s fine but I’m keeping my end of the bargain. I love you Scott Sawyer. I freaking love you till the sun fizzles out and the moon crumbles. I swear to god, my heart is yours and nothing will change that.” Bee said passionately, and Scott stared at her, his heart racing, his adrenaline pumping. He needed Bee; he needed her now more than ever as he made the realization that he too was in love with his wife.

“You’re incredible Bee.” He murmured, leaning closer to her. She tried to smile but it just didn’t fit right. He slid his hands over her hips and pulled her closer to him.

“I won’t regret this.” He added, and before Bee could question he kissed her. Their lips fizzled, their passion burned between them, as if they were two souls that had reconnected. Urgency coursed through their veins, as he kissed her desperately, their tongues sliding against one another.

“I’m so sorry, please forgive me.” He whispered as their lips broke apart, their foreheads still touching. Bee couldn’t talk, she was breathless but she nodded, confirming that it was forgiven, and ironically forgotten. Scott took no time, as he kissed her again, softer this time but it meant all the more feelings, love, passion, lust, longing seemed to siren off both of them. He started to kiss her neck, pecking butterfly kisses down her neck and throat. Maybe it was because he was in an emotional turmoil, or maybe it was because he wanted to feel love again.

Maybe it was anything.

All Scott knew was he wanted Bee now, in more ways than one. Bee’s skin tingled at his touched, as she closed her eye and relived every kiss again. Scott reconnected their lips, and his hands moved from on top of her clothed hip and slid up, just to her hip and he stroked her hip, causing Bee to experience goose bumps.
Their kissing got more intense, and it wasn’t long before Scott tugged Bee’s t-shirt, and admired her body. Bee lost herself, she knew they shouldn’t really do this, but both of them emotional wired, they had both gone through their past, and it was harsh to come to terms with. But now, feeling her mind whir at a million times a second and thoroughly enjoying her husband’s touch, she didn’t care. She just wanted Scott, and this is what she was getting. Bee pulled off his t-shirt, and ran her hands slowly over his muscles, he had lost some due to not going to the gym, but it seemed his physique had stayed close enough. He was so warm, as she felt every part of his skin.

“Bedroom?” he mumbled against her now swollen lips. Bee nodded, and they both clumsily found their way and during the short journey, more clothing was removed, they landed on the bed with a gentle thud and you know what happens then, for the first time in a long time, Bee and Scott made love as man and wife. Neither one regretting it.
--
Scott awoke about four o clock that following morning, unable to sleep any longer. His arm was draped over his wife, and he carefully manoeuvered his arm off of her and shuffled away from her sleeping body, not wanting to wake her. It had been an emotional, passionate night.

The thing that really sunk in though, was the fact he was okay. He wasn’t regretting his decision.

It felt strange in away, when he made love to her. It felt so familiar, so…normal. It was like he had done it before, which he obviously had. But this time, he could remember this. He could remember the first time he made love to Bee…post-accident. Getting out of bed almost silently, as the sheets rustled, Scott pulled on some clean boxers, and a t-shirt, as it was quite cool this evening.

Shuffling out the room, Scott crept into the kitchen and opened the fridge, getting out the carton of milk that Bee had brought in her shopping the other day. Pouring himself a glass, he sipped it while he gazed out the window that overlooked the town. In a way, it was beautiful, lights everywhere and the occasional car could be seen driving through the town. Finishing the glass, Scott then helped himself to some grapes that were also in the fridge. He’d argued with Bee prior that grapes always tasted better when cold, she laughed at this.
After throwing a couple more grapes into his mouth, Scott walked slowly into the living room, almost admiring it. He was in a daze almost, the revelation that he had such strong feelings for his wife again, and that he was glad at what they did last night. He came to the conclusion that he wanted this so called forgotten marriage to work. He wanted to get through it.

As he glanced over the room, his eyes lingered at that haunting box that stood on the coffee table, still open. Knowing he had to see what else was in it, due to his demanding curiosity. Scott sighed as he settled into the plush sofa and leaned forward, picking up the box and placing it beside him. He looked at it, seeing pieces of memorabilia in it. The picture was still there, lying on top. In some strange way, it was beautiful, magnificent that the picture was in fact a human form, a child. A baby that would never be able to escape that picture, Scott stroked the edges and placed it on his bare knee, while he searched through the box.
There was a piece of note paper, and when he opened it, he looked at one and it seemed to be a note.

Beth,
I love you & our baby
See you tonight,
Scotty
xxxxx

The words stung him like a wasp sting, right in his heart. Scott shakily put the note on the other side of him, and picked up the next piece. It was another piece, lists of endless names, in columns of boys and girls. There were loads of names, some Scott really liked and he could imagine his child being called that. Some were starred, some were crossed off, and some were circled. The sadness seemed to seep through him, as if he was living through the whole event again, not that he could remember it. That’s what killed him. He couldn’t remember it. There were some appointment reminders from the doctors, another sonogram and then right at the bottom was what literally felt like a stab in the heart.

It was a tiny t-shirt, for about the age of 3 months. It was a soft cotton fabric, and boldly printed on the front was: Daddy Loves Me. A red heart was beside it, and Scott stared at it, in shock. He blinked, but it was still there, taunting him.
His face began to crumple, as he longed for a child in his arms, wearing this shirt. He desperately wanted a memory of the pregnancy, anything but nothing would come to him, as he tried and tried, it just gave him a headache. Tears pricked his eyes and Scott began to cry gently. He heard feet shuffling behind him, a soft hand on his shoulder. He leaned against it, and Bee slid next to him and wrapped her arms around his shoulder, bringing her head to the side of his. She kissed his cheek and whispered the words Scott needed:

“I love you”.