The Drug in Me Is You

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When I had opened my door I wasn’t expecting him. Anyone but him. I never thought I would see him again. When I told him to go to hell I meant it. Though I knew that past two years were more then hell for him. Now he was free.

“Hey Kayla.”

I stood in my doorway trying to sound somewhat mean, “What do you want Ronnie?”

I won’t lie. Ronnie looked good. Better then he had been. I knew he was now clean and sober. He had some meat on his bones and even his cheeks were a tad chubby. He really had recovered and I could see the man I originally fell in love with when I met him years ago.

“I came to talk to you.”

“Look, I’m really not that interested in–”

He cut me off and took a step closer, “Please. Just hear me out.”

I felt a flood of emotions and memories laced in them. I used to have so much respect for him. I loved him. He was my best friend but the whole drug scene took him over and I lost that friend that I was so close with. He was such a support to me and he had fallen away.

I had tried to get him to stop. It had worked for a while but he’d slip away telling me it was ok and then come back ruined. I could only put up with so much so I told him to go fuck himself and have fun in hell. I wasn’t going to sit around and watch him fall further and further into his poison. I was so tired of trying to pull him out. I couldn’t reach him in the end.

Then the whole jail thing came up and I didn’t believe it. I had sat in my apartment and cried worried about him. I regretted not staying thinking maybe I could have done more. But I tried to let it go. Saying he had to pay for any consequences. I never knew the real story but I didn’t want to know. It was easier that way.

I moved out of the way and let him into my apartment. He mumbled a thank you and I closed the door. I turned to him and he had found a poster of him on my wall. I had always supported his music. It was the one thing he clung to. I knew if I could keep him with the music he’d be fine. Not to mention I loved the words he wrote.

It was a new poster of the new band he was in and Ronnie looked good. It wasn’t a real close up of the band but it was decent. You could see them all and Ronnie just seemed to be in awe I had it.

He turned to me and pointed back at it, “The guys are really nice. You’d like them.”

I nodded and folded my arms, “I heard the new song. It sounds like its going to be good.”

He smiled and looked at his feet, “I’ll get you a copy of the cd when it comes out.”

I avoided his gaze when he looked back up, “Do you want something to drink or eat?”

He shook his head letting his hair get a little messy, “No. I’m going to be meet up with the guys for lunch. You can come if you–”

He let it trail off as I shifted on my feet. He knew there was wounds still between us, “What do you want to talk about?”

“I’ve been thinking. A lot lately.” He licked his lips and I could see him wipe his hands on his jeans. He was so nervous, “And I kept thinking of you.”

I sighed and sat down on my couch and he took a step closer, “Ronnie, I don’t know why you’re here but nothing you say can heal the wounds you created. You never saw how much I cared for you so don’t try to pretend you see how much I did now.”

He shook his head, “No. Kayla. I did see. I wanted to get clean. I just…The fucking addiction just took me over. When I was down from the high I wanted more then anything to get away from it. But the withdrawals killed me. I wasn’t strong enough.”

I looked up at him and noticed he was right in front of me, “Do you ever get tired of telling that story? You never meant it. Why should I believe you now? I gave up so much into that idea and it always was shattered.”

He sat down on my coffee table in front of me, “I know. I know. And I can’t fix any of that. But I wanted to come and thank you. I know that I don’t deserve to have you as a friend but I want you to know that you’re the only one that saw me for who I really was. You knew I was a good man below the thick cover.”

I looked away from him and felt my eyes burn. The tears were coming and I wasn’t going to cry in front of him. No. There was no way in hell I was going to let him see I still cared for him. I couldn’t fight it. He was my best friend. He was practically family to me.

He continued, “I’m not here to beg for you to forgive me. Because I can’t be forgiven. I just…I just want you to be able to look at me and see the real me. I know you don’t want to be friends but I want you to know I love you. More then anything.”

I looked away from him and I squeezed my eyes shut. I felt the first two tears leave and run down my cheeks leaving the trail behind them. I still loved him but he didn’t know that. He didn’t know how much I spent every day hoping for a back button before this all happened and we were two kids.

“Kayla?” He leaned forward and I saw him move closer through my teary eyes, “Please don’t cry. I didn’t mean to make you cry. Fuck. I can’t do anything right.”

He pulled me into hug and I just let it all out. After the first sob left my body I just clung to the front of his shirt and jacket. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I couldn’t fight it anymore. I could never honestly ever push him away.

I felt him rest his head on me and his arms wrapped even tighter around me. It felt nice being held by him. Like the good old days when I cried about boyfriends or being in trouble with my parents. The funny thing was the cologne never changed. He always wore the same kind and it always soothed me. It was something I could expect to be there. It was something small but it was reassuring.

I spoke into his shirt, “Oh god, Ronnie I’m so sorry.”

I felt release his hold slightly and let one of his hands rub up and down my back, “For what?”

“I was a horrible friend. I gave up on you and looked the other way and now–”

“No. Don’t ever say you gave up on me. You helped me by doing that. You proved to me I could lose it all and how I did.”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better.”

He pulled away slightly then I felt his fingers under my chin making me look up at him, “Then let’s start over. New slate.”

I looked up into his eyes and for the first time in a long time I saw the real Ronnie. Not the man he hid behind. He could be who ever in front of the world but right here and right now I was seeing the real Ronnie. The one I desperately needed to see to prove to myself he was a good guy and not some druggie criminal half the world smeared him to be.

Maybe that made me pathetic. Maybe that made me persuadable. A piece of clay he could use to mold me into what he wanted. But I didn’t care in all honestly. Let him. Because I know I would anyways. If he did end up messing up again then I’ll be there but there is this thing that eats at me and I can feel that maybe this time everything will be ok.

He’ll be ok.

And I want to be here this time. I want to make sure he’s true to himself and that he’s honestly moved on. That he’ll play the part I want him to play and not what those enemies in his life want him to be.

Ronnie leaned forward and I felt his lips press so lightly against my own. One of his hands was holding the back of my head close so he could keep those lips against my own. As a younger child I would have loved a moment like this with him because I always loved him more then I ever wanted to. And I had dreamed of his lips on my own.

Though, this time I knew he loved me. I didn’t have to be afraid of rejection. Because him coming here and telling me what was on his chest meant that he trusted me enough with that fragile heart he wore around. I knew then he wanted me to help hold it together while it healed.

I’d be there as long as he needed me to be and as long as I need him to be to help my own heart.

He pulled away and I felt his lips on my forehead, “I love you more then you’ll ever know. You’re my life line I swear. I can’t fucking do this without you.”

“I’m here Ronnie. I’m here for you. I promise this time I am. Just be there for me.”

He pulled me into his embrace, “I will be. To make up for all the times I haven’t been.”

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