What Separates Me From You

July 9th: Tinley Park, IL.
I liked visiting the Chicago area, especially during the summer time. Everything was always so green and vibrant. It made the city feel so alive. It was a totally different place during the winter time when the harsh winter cold took over everything. I usually made it a point to visit the city while in the area. The heat was something else though, the humidity, man, it killed.
But the weather was the last thing on my mind.

“You owe me.”

“No, I don’t,” I repeated for the millionth time.

“I let you go, though.”

“I don’t owe you anything,” I replied. I was beginning to think that coming to hang out at the A Day to Remember tent with Jeremy was a bad idea. For the past hour and a half, he had been pestering me about the kiss he believed I owed him.

“Just a peck,” he continued.

“No!”

“Why don’t you want to kiss me?” he asked, finally exasperated.

“Why do you want me to kiss you?” I countered, equally exasperated.

“Becauseeee, I let you go. You owe me.”

Isn’t there a rule written somewhere that says best friends shouldn’t kiss each other? Or cross the murky lines between friends and friends with benefits? Because Jeremy was the last person I wanted to cross that line with. We had progressed so far with our friendship that this whole ‘kiss-me’ ordeal would just make everything so awkward.

“What if I told you I was dying from heat stroke? Would you kiss me then?” he asked, interrupting my thoughts in the process.

“You’re not dying from heat stroke,” I assured him.

“I could be,” he replied.

“Well,” I barked loudly and a little bit angrily. “You’re not! So cut it out and leave it alone Jeremy! I’m not going to kiss you!”

My chest heaved up and down heavily. Slowly, I trailed my eyes upward to meet Jeremy’s gaze. His expression was unreadable. It was kind of scary actually because I was so used to him being open with his feelings with me. Neither one of us spoke for several minutes. Kevin was about to enter the tent but quickly exited upon seeing the intense staring match that Jeremy and I were having.

“I’m just going to say that the heat’s gone to your head, which is why you yelled at me,” Jeremy said in an oddly quiet and calm manor. “But I’m going to go to my signing and I’ll just catch up with you at the set.”

Was Jeremy angry at me? We always hung out after signings and before his set. When I didn’t reply to Jeremy, he simply turned and left me at his merch tent.

Realistically, neither one of us should be getting upset at this, so I don’t know what Jeremy’s issue was.

Or mine was for that matter.

For the rest of the day, I debated finding Jeremy after his signing and apologizing for yelling at him. My ego wouldn’t let me go and my pride followed along with it. I had no idea what to do with myself until the set. It was becoming a scheduled thing for us now, to hang out before and after signings and for me to watch sets from the side of the stage.

Best friends do that, right?

Pretty soon, it came time for the band’s set. I made sure to be there before he rushed onto stage. I found him sitting on a drum case, fiddling with his phone. When I got closer he quickly slid it into his back pocket, as if he were trying to hide something from me. Not that he was entitled to know the happenings of his phone.

He didn’t stand up to greet me nor did he even grace me with a smile. As I drew closer, a knot in my stomach formed and my heart started to speed up. Concern etched itself on my face and suddenly, I felt fear. I was scared of what Jeremy was going to say and I didn’t know why I was. I didn’t even know what he could say that would make me feel this way.

Why was I even feeling this way?

“Hey,” he said in an unenthusiastic tone.

“Hi…” I replied, trailing off my greeting.

You know that feeling you get when you know someone is going to break up with you right before they actually do it? That’s the feeling I had. Jeremy and I weren’t even together. So I don’t even know why I was feeling this way.

I watched as Jeremy stood up and took my hands into his. He gave me a small smile but it didn’t meet his eyes. A part of me hoped this was going to be a joke on his part; that he would go “HA! HA! Just kidding!” to whatever it was he was going to say. But a part of me felt like it wasn’t.

“So,” he started after several awkward moments of silence. “I’ve been thinking.”

I stared at him, waiting in anticipation.

“That as best friends, we shouldn’t spend every moment together. We should slacken off a little bit, so, you know, we don’t get tired of each other,” he said with an odd emotion in his voice.

I stared at him blankly and pulled my hands away from him as if they were on fire. It was like he was best-friend-breaking up with me. Which hurt just as much!

As silly as it seemed.

“Yeah,” I retorted quickly and angrily. “Totally, I understand. I feel the same way.”

Jeremy looked at me with a confused expression, “What? Really?”

I nodded my head furiously, mocking him. “Oh yeah. I don’t want to spend any more of my time with you, Jeremy—“

“Wait, why’d you said my name like that?”

I ignored him and continued, “I wouldn’t want our ‘friendship’ to go bad because we spend time together. I totally understand.”

A panicked look came over Jeremy, “No, I don’t think you do. Why did you say friendship like that?”

I ignored him a second time, “I don’t ever want to see you again, Jeremy McKinnon.”

And with that, I stomped away.