It's My Life, and I'll Cry If I Want To
Lies.
there is one thing that a lot of people get wrong: abused children do not always tell the truth about what people did to them. I know I didn't. Kids will exaggerate some things, minimize others, and make things up all together. When I was eleven, I didn't know why I said things that I did: I do now. I told people that He had threatened me. He hadn't, at least not physically.
I now know why I did it. I was too young to realize the manipulations, but I was old enough to see that what I did what not logical to an outsiders point of view. I got so sick of people asking me "Why didn't you tell anyone? Why did you try to defend him? Why did you let it go on for two whole years when a single word to a parent or teacher would have stopped it?" When the answer was that I had no friggin' clue. I had an idea of why, but I was too young to articulate it. I knew what abuse was, but I had never before applied it to my situation. How was I, the sheltered child, supposed to explain how at first he was so kind and so gentle, how he ever so slowly chipped away at my self-esteem, explaining to me calmly and kindly how I was so fat and so ugly that nobody could ever love me, and I was lucky I had Him, otherwise would be alone forever, poor little VLL, and wasn't it kind of AKV to come in and help me like this, because there would never be another man to do it? HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT THE WORDS "EMOTIONAL ABUSE" EVEN MEANT! So I cried and I lied and I said that he had held a knife to my throat and told me he would kill me if I ever breathed a word, because otherwise my parents would see that I deserved it, that I had just let him do it too me like a scared little girl, because I was too afraid of being ugly and alone.
The lie made me feel dirty inside, though not as badly as He made me feel, and as I told them enough times, I almost started to believe them myself.
I now know why I did it. I was too young to realize the manipulations, but I was old enough to see that what I did what not logical to an outsiders point of view. I got so sick of people asking me "Why didn't you tell anyone? Why did you try to defend him? Why did you let it go on for two whole years when a single word to a parent or teacher would have stopped it?" When the answer was that I had no friggin' clue. I had an idea of why, but I was too young to articulate it. I knew what abuse was, but I had never before applied it to my situation. How was I, the sheltered child, supposed to explain how at first he was so kind and so gentle, how he ever so slowly chipped away at my self-esteem, explaining to me calmly and kindly how I was so fat and so ugly that nobody could ever love me, and I was lucky I had Him, otherwise would be alone forever, poor little VLL, and wasn't it kind of AKV to come in and help me like this, because there would never be another man to do it? HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT THE WORDS "EMOTIONAL ABUSE" EVEN MEANT! So I cried and I lied and I said that he had held a knife to my throat and told me he would kill me if I ever breathed a word, because otherwise my parents would see that I deserved it, that I had just let him do it too me like a scared little girl, because I was too afraid of being ugly and alone.
The lie made me feel dirty inside, though not as badly as He made me feel, and as I told them enough times, I almost started to believe them myself.
♠ ♠ ♠
I'm afraid that this is sound less and less like a story and more like a rant. That may be, but I'm hoping that it is, at least, a rant that others like me can learn form.Sincerely;
VLL