Descending Angel

It wasn't like the Mikey thing was all that I needed to tell him, either. It was just the biggest and shittiest thing that I did. For the past week, my life line has been Frankie, and in that time, I realized that brothers are really fucking special, and I might have ruined what Gerard and Mikey had with each other. What if this creates a rift between them? What if that was what Gerard was supposed to kill himself over in the first place, like some sort of sardonic 'fuck you' for me trying to kill myself?

"Okay. So...the last time we really talked about this, you kind of freaked out...." I started, deciding to go with the whole 'death of me' thing first. Gerard nodded, frowning and tilting his head to the side warily. "But I'm not--I might not be here for much longer, sweetie."

Gerard's head shot up, eyes wide and pleading, and holy shit I couldn't do this to him. "Wait, what? No, don't start with this, okay? Don't. You said, you said that you didn't know if you had to go. And you won't, I won't let you. I'm in love with you. Don't go. Please."

A tickle erupted in the side of my heart when he said IT.

He said he's in love with me.

And Mikey had said it too, but this was different. I could hear the desperation in Gerard's voice, the quivering warble behind it, the tears gathering at the roots of his eyelashes. It was reaching out to me incessantly, grasping onto me with a wanting that sucked the breath out of me. He needed me, on top of loving me. And yeah, I need him too. But I need Mikey to be happy.

I opened my arms to Gerard but he stayed still, eyeing me like the traitor that I was, sniffling against the red seeping into his nose and cheeks.

I wish crying didn't suit him the way it does, bringing out only green in his eyes and dabbing his lips with spices and clinging icy tears to the long, prickly eyelashes he has. I really wish I wasn't the cause of the tears, of the turning his back to me. I wish this wasn't the worst part.

I crawled closer to him, digging my fingers into the earth with each step closer and holding my breath until it hurt in my chest. Hurt MORE in my chest, at least. But that was getting kind of hard, it was getting to the point where I didn't think any more pain could fit in there or else it would burst. I wonder if it would hurt me since I've already died once. Would I die again? Would it negate the effects of Gerard's impending suicide?

"Gerard, please, come here. There's--I need to explain it all, and I just wanna hold you, okay?" I creeped closer, sliding my hand down the front of his shirt from behind so my chest was pressed against his back and he was falling into me. "I still don't know, okay?" He didn't object when I kissed his ear, just made a little choking sound.

Apparently my chest could hold more pain.

"I don't know. But you need to know the whole story, because it's about you and what you were going to do."

He tore himself out of my arms to turn around and cock his head at me, black hair spilling out onto his shoulder and green-hazel eyes clouded with grief that I just couldn't hug away. "What I was going to do?" he sniffed out increduously, wiping his nose on his sleeve.

"Suicide? You were going to kill yourself, and I knew that before I was in Eric's body. Okay, when I was a girl still, I killed myself, right? Yeah, and I ended up in hell, but I wasn't actually supposed to die, or something like that. So they told me that the only way I could stay dead was if I go back to earth and stop you from killing yourself. So..." The words died out of my mouth and curled up into the soul parade of silence floating overhead.

Once, I heard that a person's eyebrows are the easiest way to gauge their emotions. It seems like a stupid observation to me now, because I've never been able to read a person's face at all, but I didn't need to to know that Gerard was unpleasantly surprised. His face was always a fuckin' open book, and it's so hard to lie to him. He's just so earnest and out there, and...

"But there's more, and you're going to hate me, and it's going to make you want me to just die already. But maybe that's for the best? Because that way you won't be sad when I do die," Gerard made a weak little sound and clung to my arm, "and you won't kill yourself. Because Gerard? You are the most amazing person in the world and you'll never know how much everyone needs you."

"N-nuh-uh, nothing can be that bad...I'm not happy about this, you know, but I still love you. Stay with me here. Don't leave me."

"...I love you too, Gerard." He seemed ready to move into my arms now for good, throwing himself into a hug with all abandon and closing his eyes against the world. "It's not that I ever wanted to hurt you, babydoll, not ever." I pressed my lips to the side of his head then to his wet cheek and finally to his chapped lips. "But I think it's time to stop shitting myself and just fucking tell you that I've--done some stuff with Mikey."

He pried himself out of my arms against my incessant clinging and narrowed his eyes at me, expression dark and completely in place. He leaned back with one arm splayed out behind him to hold himself up. "What? Did what with Mikey? Are you telling me you fucked my brother?"

He started inching away. "Because, seriously, Eric, or Adrienne or whatever, that's sick." His tongue darted out to lick at his dry lips. "Fuck."

"No! I didn't do that! Geez," I exclaimed fervently, putting a hand to my forehead. "Nothing like that. Seriously," I added at his obvious disbelief. "Shit Gerard, I'm not--" Okay, I am kind of like that, I'll admit. By default I want both of them forever, and there's not really any different interpretations of that. I want both of them in my life, yes. Would I have slept with either of them? Yes. But I didn't, and that's what really matters right now. "...like that."

"Then what? You made out with him after you decided that I wasn't enough? That's my baby brother, you know."

And he didn't have to say 'and I'll pick him over you any day.' Blood is thicker than water, obviously. I think if Frank was in love with one of the boys I would quicky relenquish him over and hope furiously that they made it. That he made him happier than I ever could.

"I know that."

"Good. And you'd better not ever hurt him, got that? He doesn't know about any of this. He doesn't know you're not Eric."

I nodded, my lip sweeping out to moisten my chapped lips. It was hot out today, I just suddenly realized. I was sweating, thin streams of it trickling down my back and my bangs hanging limp in my face. I flipped my hair out of my eyes and lamented for a second how much of a boy I had turned into because I could care less if I smelled bad right now.

"That's right. See...okay, before Eric died, he and Mikey were involved with each other," I told Gerard. I didn't want to, I really didn't. What if this made his perception of his adorable little brother morph into the guy who was helping Gerard's mortal enemy cheat on his girlfriend? "I think Mikey really loves Eric. And, well, I couldn't let him know that Eric wasn't...wasn't ever going to see him again. Right? Because Mikey doesn't deserve that."

Gerard mimicked me by licking his bottom lip and turning his head to the side. "He doesn't," he agreed.

"Because I love Mikey, he's adorable and everything, and I didn't want him to be hurt. But I love you, and--um. I love you." I blinked up at the sky, flipping my hair again. I didn't see what the point of having it cut like this was anymore. It was specifically designed to blind me. "I don't want to be the cheater. I don't want to hurt anyone because that's just shit. I've had this body for, what, a week? Two? And I have already fucked everything up. I fucked up your relationship with Bob, Frank's relationship with Bob, Mikey's relationship with Eric, our relationship, and Eric's and Lauren's. It was crap to begin with, but whatever. I don't even know how much time I have left with you, and I'm afraid of leaving you here because I know how you are and...Gerard..."

I really couldn't tell whether the wet on my cheeks was tears or sweat.

Gerard leaned forward with arms outstretched, offering to protect me when it should have been the other way around. When I had imagined this conversation going in so many different directions miles away from this one. No one was screaming, no one was storming off threatening to tell their brother, and the only tears were mine.