Let The Walls Break Down

-July 21, 2011-

--John--

Holly was waddling towards me in her little green bikini and I never thought she looked as beautiful as she did then. She tied her hair up and had aviators on and the background of Puerto Penasco only exuded her glow even more. When she reached me, she wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me. “I kissed you for the first time three years ago today.”

“Uh, no. I think I kissed you.” She rolled her eyes. “Here we are, three years later.” I rubbed her stomach. “I can’t wait until we’re parents, Holly.”

“I can’t wait either.” She hugged me tightly then Kennedy ran by and threw sand on us. “Ugh…Why did they have to come?” She groaned and I smiled.

A few weeks later, we were in El Paso wrapping up our next album. “John, how’s Holly?” Moose asked after we were listening to one of the mixes.

“She’s great. Wish she was here, but I told her to stay home and get some rest. She’ll be due in about four weeks.” I sat down on a nearby chair and propped my head up with my hands resting on my legs, letting out a deep sigh. He pulled up a chair next to me and put his hand on my shoulder.

“You scared?” All I could do was nod, and then I lifted my head up but covered my mouth with my hand. “You have nothing to worry about. You’re going to be a great father. The only way you’ll screw up this kid’s life is if you don’t try.”

“My whole life is going to be on hold. I’m in the prime of my career and already that’s going to come to a halt.”

“But what do you care about more? Letting down your fans? Or letting down Holly and your child?”

“You’re right, Moose. I just feel like I’d never get back to where I am now.”

“You won’t. You’ll be better. You’re not the first guy in a band to have a kid. You’re going to come back when it’s time.”

“I don’t think I’m going to be able to do this next tour. It starts 2 weeks after her due date.”

“Then we won’t do it.” He pulled out his iPhone and clicked a few things. “You no longer have a tour in October.”

I thanked him and with all this in mind, I went home. I set my bag inside the door and found Holly sleeping in the bedroom so I laid next to her and kissed her cheek.

“John…my back is killing me. Get this dumb thing out of me.”

“It’s not time y—” She grabbed my hand and started squeezing then let go.

“It hurts so bad.”

“Are you having contractions already?”

“No… This kid just positioned itself on my spine. Help me roll over.”

When she was rolled over, her stomach was against mine. “Stop kicking me,” I said and she smiled. I draped my arm around her and she nuzzled her head in the crook of my neck.

“It’s a boy, John,” she said quietly and waited for me to respond. I pulled back and looked at her and she looked like she was scared to death but also the happiest she’s ever been. “He’s going to have the best father in the world.”

“Not as good as the mother, though.” She put her head back in the crook of my neck.

--Holly--

John looked so committed to me at this moment. “I talked to Moose today.” He paused before he continued. “And I’m going to take some time off from the band the next couple of months before we release Pioneer. The tour coming up is no longer in existence so I can focus on you and the baby.” I kissed his cheek, but I didn’t look at him. I haven’t told him that I was talking to Rian again. I haven’t told him what it is about him that keeps bringing me to him, partly because I didn’t know myself. And I haven’t told him that I think about him more than I should. He would text me or call me when he had troubles with Cassadee and it seemed like he was pulling away from her and pushing towards me. I, in turn, felt myself pushing towards him as well, however not pulling away from John. I felt so guilty about it. I didn’t want to think of him like I do, but I didn’t exactly abstain from him either. But I was stuck. No matter how much I wanted to be with Rian, I would remain loyal to John. It’s not the best timing either. All I could do was hold on to John as tightly as I could right now so Rian doesn’t pull me away.

Suddenly, I heard the front door slam loudly and the room across the hall’s door shut as well. John and I looked at each other with confusion and he got up to check it out.

“Go away, John!” I heard being yelled from the other side of the door. It sounded like Maria.

“Maria, what are you doing here?”

There was no response, but she opened the door and came into my room and laid down next to me. “Holly, I’m so stupid. Why did I ever get married to Eric? I thought we were really in love – well we were, but that wasn’t enough. I thought I wanted to spend my life with him but I don’t want to be married at all. Now what am I going to do? I can’t stand him. I can’t be married to him anymore. There’s so much about him I didn’t know and I realized that we have nothing in common. It’s like living with a complete stranger. I thought our lives together would be the honeymoon phase which will inevitably end, but with us, it never started. I had more sex with him before we got married than after.” After her rant, she started to sob. “What should I do?” She said calmly.

“Well there’s only one thing you can do. You said yourself that you can’t be married to him anymore.”

“You mean get a divorce?! What will my parents think? They’ll think I’m just some stupid, immature girl lost in puppy love, making rash decisions based on living in the moment. No thoughts of my actions.”

“You have to do what you have to do. You dug yourself into this hole and you have to get yourself out.”

John was in the doorway, just looking at Maria still with a confused look on his face. “Why hasn’t Eric told me anything?” He said, more to himself than us.

“He’s been inebriated for a month and a half. Which is partly the reason why I can’t stand him. Now I see why you walked out…” She stopped her thought because she saw John’s uncomfortable expression. “But you guys reconciled. There’s no chance of reconciliation with Eric and I.” When Maria was saying this, I kept thinking about the entire time I wasn’t with John I was talking to Rian, and it made me feel worse than I already did.

Later that day, Maria was in her room sleeping and John was cooking dinner while I was laying on the couch. I got a text from Rian. ‘I can’t believe you’re getting married.’

‘Yup. Why? You jealous?’

‘Extremely. I should have never let you go.’

I was used to his flirty texts, but this one made my heart skip. ‘Yep, you are pretty idiotic.’

‘If I never went out with Kara, would you have dated John?’

‘That’s a tough question. Maybe. Maybe not.’

He took a while to respond back. ‘What’s going on between us, Holly?’

‘Nothing. We’re just friends.'

‘Have you told John you’ve been texting me?’

‘No.’

‘Then it’s something. Why aren’t we together?’

‘You’re with Cassadee. What does it matter to you?’

‘Is that the only thing that’s stopping you?’

‘No.’

‘Then what is it?’

‘…I’m with child.’

‘What? Since when?’

‘January. Didn’t I tell you?’

‘No we missed that topic.’

‘Oh sorry. Rian, I’m pregnant.’

‘Thank you for telling me as soon as you could. Greatly appreciated. I still love you though.’

‘Why Rian? Why right now? When I’m the most unavailable I can be.’

‘It feels like you’re my best friend and I’m in love.’

‘Did I ever tell you how bad of timing you have?’

‘Nope. But there’s a first time for everything. I just wish I could go back and stay with you.’

‘Stop regretting you’re life. We’re both happy where we are right now.’

‘I’m not the happiest I can be though.’

‘Well I am.’

All I got back was a sad face and I never responded back. It was kind of annoying me that he wanted me so badly. Sure, if I didn’t have John or a baby, I’d love to be with Rian. But I do have John and I do have a baby and I’m ecstatic with where I am. Rian can’t change that and admitting this to myself made me feel a little less guilty about the whole situation, but I still felt extremely apprehensive that John might ever find out that I’ve been hiding these things from him. I shouldn’t hide things from him. I should be open about who I’m talking to. But then again, every time in the past where I was “talking to Rian again” things always went south and I would be mad for a year. Which is kind of where I am right now, except he wasn’t being an asshole, he was just being selfish. He wanted his cake and to eat it too.

“John…how many serious girlfriends have you had?”

He didn’t hesitate. “Three. Ashley Jackman; freshman year, 9 months. Madison Witkowski; sophomore year, one year. And Megan Witkowski, Madison’s older sister. She wasn’t too happy about that, but we started dating the second semester of my junior year and we broke up the summer after I graduated. She was a year older than me and was in college my senior year and I found out she had been cheating on me the whole year that summer. Whore.” He paused, stirring something in a pot. “How many serious boyfriends have you had?”

“Just two. I went out with my best guy friend, Daniel Armstrong, at the beginning of freshman year and we broke up right before junior year ended. Made for an awkward senior year.”

He laughed. “Who’s the other one?”

“You.”

He looked at me. “Now I feel bad. I feel like a man whore.”

“Don’t. It’s not as common for girls to be in more serious relationships as guys. We like to take our time between them. Guys just go one after another.” He chuckled again and nodded.

“I’ll agree with that. But you’re different. You’re the allusive One for me. If you, for some strange reason, ever broke up with me, I’d be devastated for years. It would feel like I could never trust anyone anymore. The summer of 2008 when we first got together, even before that…when we were walking down the street to the pool and you pushed me in the water, I knew I would never be with anyone else besides you. I took your innocence and you took mine, and I didn’t even bother to stick to my philosophy of waiting until marriage because I knew I was going to marry you.”

“John, get over here and kiss me. I would go over there, but my ankles are so swollen. I could win the Miss Cankle USA pageant.” He was halfway to me, then he stopped walking.

“Wow, you know how to kill the romance.” Regardless, he kept walking to me then bent over and kissed me. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

-September 2, 2011-

Maria was walking towards the door and had a small duffle bag slung around her shoulder. “Where are you going?” I asked her.

“Eric and I are going back to Vegas to get our marriage annulled. It doesn’t make any sense to continue to be married if we don’t even live together or talk to each other. We platonically arranged this outing and I shall be back mañana.”

“Okay Ms. Formal.”

“Aren’t you impressed? I spent all yesterday watching Judge Judy.”

“I’m captivated by your vocabulary.” She nodded once and headed out the door.

John poked his head into the living room. “Are you going into labor yet?”

I laughed. “I’m not due until the 22nd. Twenty more days, calm down.”

“Oh. I thought he said the second. My bad.”

****

I was eating grapes at the kitchen table when I had the sensation of being very wet. I looked down and there was fluid all over the floor.

“John! I just leaked!” I yelled and he came running into the room with the overnight bag that had been packed for weeks.

“Let’s go!” He said and posed like he was a superhero. He helped me out of the chair and down the stairs and into the car. Once we started going, he called my parents and his and told them to meet us at the hospital.

“John, I’m scared.” He grabbed my hand and looked at me quickly but meaningfully.

“We’re going to get through this. We’re going to be the best parents to this child that we can be.” It just so happened that while we were holding hands that I had a contraction, conveniently making it easy on me to grab on to something and squeezing as hard as I could. He didn’t even flinch.

I breathed out once it had past and let go of his hand. “Oh my God. We haven’t picked out a name for him yet! Should we keep the tradition of naming him John Cornelius O’Callaghan VI or should we be rebels and name him something completely different? Like what you suggested that day, Holden.”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, Holly,” he said, trying to keep his calm so I could calm down.

“Well that bridge is the next exit sign. We don’t have a substantial amount of time before we’re there.”

He placed his hand on mine. “Holly, it’s fine. We have plenty of time.”

“Okay.”

We arrived at the hospital and he helped me out of the car and my parents were already there waiting for us. My mother was exuberant and my father’s expression was unrecognizable. I didn’t know if he was happy or mad or sad. Probably none of the above. One of the hospital staff assisted me in sitting me in a wheelchair and John and my mom went into the room with me. Once I was changed into a gown, the doctor came in and checked me out.

“Well, it seems like your baby wants to come out right now. This should be a fairly quick labor process. I’ll be back in half an hour to set up your epidural.”

That was the slowest half hour of my life. Every two seconds it seemed like I was having a pain, more intense the more I endured. Finally, she came back and gave me the epidural shot and she gave it a while to settle in my body before she came back. Then an hour later, the living being that’s been inside of me for nine months was finally out. They cleaned him off and handed him to me and I looked at John and he was sobbing quite heavily and I guess I was too because he wiped my tears then stroked the top of our child’s head and kissed it.

“He looks just like you,” I said. “He’s definitely John Cornelius O’Callaghan VI.”

“I was thinking he looks just like you. He should be Holden O’Callaghan.”

“Holden John Cornelius O’Callaghan VI,” I said and he kissed me.

“It’s perfect.” He kept stroking Holden’s head. “You’re a mommy,” he said and looked at me.

“You’re a daddy.”

I kissed him again and all I felt like doing was getting a good night’s sleep, but I wouldn’t get one for 18 years.

Holden John Cornelius O’Callaghan VI
September 18, 2011 3:14 PM