Let The Walls Break Down

“What are we doing for Halloween?” Rian asked me and laid on the bed.

“I think John wanted to take Holden trick or treating with me.”

“Why with you?” He sounded like he was starting to get annoyed with me seeing John every month.

I shrugged. “I guess he wants Holden to have both of his parents there. And since we’re both civil, I don’t see why not.”

“Well I have a show on Halloween, so I can’t go all the way to Arizona with you.”

“Then why is it such a big deal that I spend Halloween with you? It’s a child’s holiday anyway.”

“Whatever.” He walked out of the room and I sat there confused. He swiftly walked back to the room but stayed in the doorway. “And we’re going to have to go to Arizona for Thanksgiving and Christmas too. Would it kill him to come here for once? I mean, why do you always have to go?”

“Because you don’t like him…it’s best that you guys aren’t around each other.” He sighed and walked out again, slamming the apartment door behind him. Alex came in then.

“Couldn’t help but to overhear that. Something going on between you two?”

“Alex, if I told you something, would you promise me you wouldn’t tell anyone? Especially Rian?”

He had a smile on his face. “What, did you cheat on him or something?” I nodded. Once he saw that I was serious he stopped smiling. “With who?!”

“…John. I can’t help it when I’m around him. He’s not even mad at me for this past year and when I’m with him it just feels like we’re still together and things go farther than they should.”

“Why are you still with Rian? If you were just trying it out like you say you are, I think the return before 30 days slip has passed.”

“I know, I know…I don’t know what I’m doing…I really love Rian but John…he’s just so special.”

“I don’t think being here is doing you any good. I think if you never would have gotten together with John you’d be just fine with where you are right now, but he’s your boo. You have to have realized that by now, right?”

“Yes, I have. But I can’t leave Rian.”

“Why not? You’re going to stay here and make yourself miserable thinking you’re doing him a favor? Talk to him and maybe he’ll understand.”

“Yeah, and maybe not. I don’t think any man would understand why a woman would cheat on him.”

“Let’s see…well…your life is like Twilight.”

“I know you are not about to compare me to Bella.”

“But you are!” He said defensively. “John is your Edward. You will always be with him and he’s granting you a pass to test your feelings for Jacob, I mean Rian.”

“It amazes me how you know this.”

Alex turned red. “Yeah, well…T. Laut is pretty scrumptious. And I say that with so much heterosexuality.”

“Yeah, I’m sure.” I laughed and he walked out and I pondered what I should do. After much debating, I decided I would break things off with Rian after Thanksgiving. Why? No clue. It just felt like the right time.

-October 25, 2012-

After getting my car from my parents’ house, I pulled up to John’s apartment and he was at the top of the stairs waiting for us.

“Dadda!” Holden shrieked and reached out for John and I transferred the child.

“Hi Holly,” he said calmly after he kissed Holden’s forehead. When he made eye contact with me my knees felt like they were going to cave in. “How are you and Rian?”

I slightly rolled my eyes. “We’re fine.”

“No you’re not. You wouldn’t have rolled your eyes if you were fine. What’s going on?”

“Nothing, he’s just jealous of all the time I spend here.”

“I’m not moving to Baltimore, if that’s what he’s suggesting.”

“He’s not. He just doesn’t understand why I’m always the one traveling and you never come see us.”

“Because Rian is not in the next room here. We’d have to watch everything we do if he were around, like at Holden’s birthday party.” By this time we were inside.

“Yeah, about that…John I don’t think we should be sneaking around anymore.”

“What, do you want to tell him?” He smiled as he gave Holden some food.

“Eventually…After Thanksgiving preferably.”

“What does this mean for us?”

“I just don’t want to go behind Rian’s back anymore. I think we should chill out until I break things off with him.”

“So…he’s not your cup of tea?” He seemed somewhat satisfied.

“It’s a fine brew; I just have a taste for something else.”

He walked over to me and put one arm around my waist and he was stroking my face with his other hand. His smile was contagious. “You mean me, right?”

I waited a while before I responded. “Of course…” I trailed off and he swept me off my feet and carried me into the bedroom, kissing me the whole way. “You don’t mind very well, John.”

He shrugged. “I always get what I want.”

“Yeah, obviously.” He started kissing me again and once again got swept away in emotion.

Later on that day, we were lying in bed and he had his arm around me as I got as close as I could to him. “Does he call Rian dad too?”

“No. He calls him Rick.”

“Why Rick?”

“I asked myself the same question. I guess he thinks he’s saying Rian.” I paused and a tear came out of my eye. “I’ve been so selfish, John. How have you put up with me?”

“I let you go because I knew you’d come back to me.”

“Are you always this sure of yourself?”

“Twenty-four seven. Holly, I know you. I know you wouldn’t blow everything we’ve built these past four years on someone that’s hurt you like he has. I don’t even know why you considered giving him a second chance in the first place.”

“I don’t know either; I just felt I had too. It was sort of a last request of me. I had to know what it was like being with him. I was talking to Alex about a week ago and he told me I shouldn’t stay with him making myself miserable just because I feel like I’m obligated to stay. It was then that I realized that I actually was miserable; I’d been repressing my negative thoughts because I thought I did what I wanted and I didn’t want anything to ruin it.” I looked up at him and he was staring intently at me. “I love him, John. But he’s nothing compared to you. And I wanted to thank you for letting me remember that.” I kissed his cheek and he made me roll on top of him.

“Remind me again why we have to wait until after Thanksgiving? I mean, that’s a whole other month of not being with you.”

“I’ve been with you every month I’ve been gone,” I laughed and kissed his chin and his neck then lied my head down on his chest that was moving steadily up and down. “And I don’t know, that just feels like the right time…Just don’t ask questions.”

He groaned. “You’re killing me here, Holly.” I didn’t say anything, just wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him reassuringly.

“Trust me.”

On Halloween, we dressed Holden up as a little Batman and by the end of the night, John was carrying him and I was collecting his candy. By the time we got back to the apartment there was no need to put him to sleep because he already was. “When are you leaving?” he asked and took off his pants.

“Tomorrow evening. But I guess we’ll be back here for Thanksgiving.”

“No, I’ll come to you guys. I mean, one time wouldn’t hurt.”

“But what about my parents?”

He shrugged it off. “Tell them you’ll be back for Christmas.” I sat next to him on the bed and slowly lied back. He rested his head on my chest and I ran my fingers through his hair slowly.

“I see you’ve grown your hair out. Any particular reason?”

“I’m trying to impress this girl I love. She told me she likes me with long hair.”

“That she does. It reminds her of better days.”

“Days she wishes she could go back to?”

I kissed the top of his head and stroked the side of his face. “She doesn’t think it’s that simple.”

****

I got back to Rian’s apartment the next night and he kissed me as soon as I walked in the door. “I’m sorry I was such an ass before you left. I just think you’re going to go reunite with him or something…I’m just afraid you’ll leave me.”

I felt uncomfortable as he was talking to me. “Why would I leave you?” I slipped away from him to put Holden on the couch and Alex started playing with him.

“I don’t know…you have chemistry with him.”

“That doesn’t mean that I’ll leave you. I love you.” Alex looked up at me and I shot him a glaring look.

“What aren’t you telling me?” He exchanged looking at me with Alex.

“What are you talking about, Rian?” Alex asked defensively. “Holly’s just tired. It’s almost one. Let her go to sleep.” When Rian looked back at me I convincingly made myself seem tired. I walked past him into the bedroom and he followed me and cuddled next to me in the bed.

“What’s wrong Holly? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Does something seem wrong?”

He shook his head. “You just seem different. Like you’re hiding something.”

“It’s nothing…I just miss my dog when I leave.”

“Pickles?”

“Yeah. And I’m stressed out.” I was just pulling rabbits out of a hat now.

“Why?”

“John will be coming here for Thanksgiving so I have to cook. I know he won’t want to go to your parents’ house to eat.”

“You want me to help you cook?”

“Please.” I smiled and let him kiss me. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he said and brought me closer to him and we fell asleep.

-November 29, 2012-

Rian went to the store to go get some already made pumpkin pie and left me here with Alex and John, who had been here since yesterday. “You need any help?” John asked coming from the bathroom. He walked to me and stood closely behind me, resting his chin on my bare shoulder.

“Yeah, can you put the stuffing in the turkey and put it in the oven? It’s already preheated.”

“I thought you couldn’t cook,” he said and started doing what I ordered.

“I can’t.” I wiped my brow and opened two cans of green beans. “I’m just making things up as I go along. So if it tastes horrible, it’s not my fault. Well, it is, but whatever.”

He laughed adorably and finished the deed. “What next?”

“Can you take the rolls out of the package over there and put them in the oven for like 7 minutes?”

I was running around the kitchen like a chicken with its head cut off and he put one hand on my shoulder and the other on my neck. “Relax. Everything will be fine.” His liquid green eyes I knew so well sunk through mine and I instantly relaxed and without realizing it put my arms around his neck and he put his around my waist and he kissed me like we were together. And we should have been.

“Momma! Dadda!” We heard from the kitchen door. We stopped kissing and looked at him and smiled and I still had one hand placed on his neck and I kissed him again and continued cooking as John went and picked him up and sat him on the counter.

“You ready for some turkey, buddy?” Holden nodded his head enthusiastically. “Momma’s making some delicious turkey for us,” John said and looked at me. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I didn’t want to be cooking Thanksgiving lunch for John and Rian and the rest of All Time Low. I wanted to be cooking for just John and Holden in our apartment. It was at this moment when I grasped the fact that what I’ve been doing with Rian for the past year was the biggest mistake of my life.

After John left, things were a lot different. Rian was really bipolar. One minute he’d be wooing me and I’d almost forget about John and the next he would be depressed and couldn’t look at me. I kind of felt the same way too. One minute I’d want to stay here with Rian and the next I wanted to pack my things and go back to John.

-December 6, 2012-

“Holly, I need to talk to you,” Rian said and sat on the bed and motioned for me to sit next to him. “I don’t want you here anymore.”

I was taken by surprise. “What? What do you mean?” He tried to stop what I was saying with his hands.

He had his eyes closed. “Don’t pretend like you didn’t see this coming. You’re completely miserable. I see now that you should be with John. The way you were all year…I just thought that was who you were, but when John was here for Thanksgiving, I could see that you could be extremely happy and obviously I can’t offer that to you. I’d like to, but that’s apparently not my choice. So I want you to go back to John, if he’ll take you back. I don’t want you here if you’re just going to be unhappy all day every day.”

“I can’t leave, Rian…”

“But you have to go –”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I’m pregnant, Rian.”