Let The Walls Break Down

“Moving? Why are you guys moving?” My mom said into the phone.

“I don’t know if you noticed, but our apartment only has two bedrooms and I’m about to have two kids.”

There was silence then she let out a sigh. “Well have you found a house yet?”

“Yep. It has five bedrooms.”

“How far away is it?”

“Well, it’s in Mesa. It’s a good 20 minute drive I guess.”

“When are you going to start moving?”

“Within the month. John’s packing up clothes right now and I’m about to start packing kitchen stuff.”

“Okay, I’ll be right over.” She hung up the phone without saying goodbye, which was unlike her, and I just stared at my phone.

“Because I said we needed help…”

I opened a drawer in the kitchen and put everything in a box conveniently located near me and the last thing in there was a folded up piece of paper. I unfolded it and John’s handwriting was scribbled on it and it looked water stained.

Dear Holly,
I know you’ve been talking to Rian again and I’m not upset that you are; I’m upset that you hid it from me. If it were any other person, I wouldn’t care if you were talking to, but since it’s Rian I feel I need to protect you. I realize now that I’m second compared to him and I’m sorry I’m not what you wanted. But I won’t give up on us and that’s selfish of me…you’re all I have these days. You left me today. I know I hurt you, and the hardest thing to say in the world is that I’m sorry. I could give you a bad excuse to why I drank, but I don’t think what I did drove you away. Just admit to yourself you want to be with Rian and don’t blame it on me…I wish I could see you…but I’m messed up again…I keep thinking about you. I’m sorry I let you down.
John, 6.6.10

I felt like ripping up the letter because it wasn’t important anymore. “I see you found the inspiration for Pioneer,” I heard solemnly behind me. I jumped a little because I didn’t hear him come in the room.

“This is when I left you because you drank?”

“Yeah.” He paused and took a step towards me. “You told me that I let you down because we were supposed to do something that day but you never talked to me and told me I had a problem.” He took another step. “If you really wanted me to stop you would have told me and not just walked out for two weeks.” He took more steps until he was right in front of me. “I think you were looking for an excuse so you could be with Rian.”

“What is this about John? I already had my charade.”

He was looking at my arm and shook his head softly and fiddled with the hem of my shirt. “Nothing…I just knew all along. I just wondered when you were going to figure out.”

I glanced at the letter and smirked and took a step towards him and placed my hands on his neck. “I’ll burn this damn house down because there’s no need for walls and when I’m with you I’m at home.”

He smirked as well and looked at the letter quickly. “I see what you did there.”

I nodded and gave him a hug. “So do you write songs about me a lot?”

“Only recently. I did write one song about you on Black and White though…”

“Oh yeah? Which one?”

“Give It to Me, of course.” He kissed me like it was leading somewhere when my mom walked in the house. “Shit…” he mumbled and let go of my waist.

“Okay, so where do we start?” She asked and started going through the boxes in the living room. I smiled and shook my head and went over to help her.

Three weeks passed and everything was packed and ready to move. The moving truck was outside and we invited The Maine over for a “house warming party” when actually we just wanted them to get our stuff in the truck.

“I kinda don’t want to touch your bed,” Kenny said as he stared at it.

“The sheets are off…that’s the part that matters,” I said.

“And besides, you guys already touched the couch,” John said and picked up a couple of boxes.

“Oh, ew!” He said and wiped his hands on his shirt.

By the end of the day, everything was unloaded in the house but the bed was in the dining room and Holden’s crib was in the living room and only a few small boxes were upstairs.

“I think it’s weird that we’re going to get married,” John said out of nowhere and propped himself up next to me.

“What? Why?” I tried propping myself up as well but I couldn’t roll over on my side very well so I decided to keep laying where I was.

“Because it feels like we already are and it’s weird that we’re still planning it out.”

I stroked his bare chest. “I have a feeling we’re going to be like Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed.”

“They got married though.”

“Yeah…after both of their kids already left the house.”

“Well that won’t happen. I want you to be forever mine as soon as possible.”

I sat there and looked up at him. “How are you not mad at me?”

“About what?”

“Being a selfish turd.”

His face changed and he put his arm around me while he let out a long sigh. “How many times do I have to explain this to you?”

“Until it makes sense.”

“Are you doubting my feelings for you?”

“Of course not. I just want to know why you were so quick to forgive and forget.”

“Let’s just say, if it were anyone else but you I wouldn’t be feeling this way.”

“Well what’s so special about me?”

“I don’t know, you wouldn’t leave me alone so I guess I had to like you,” he smiled and kissed my head.

“I think you were following me around.”

“I’m not the one who came all the way from Wisconsin to tour with the band I’m in.”

“Whatever, like I knew I was going to start liking you again. I had my heart set on hating you the whole summer.”

“But you couldn’t resist me.” He put his arms behind his head and looked smug.

“Wow, you are so modest.”

“I’m just stating the truth.” He looked at me and I moved my way closer to him and my stomach was against his. “You know that thought going around that there’s someone for every person out there?” I nodded. “Well it’s like that with you. I can’t explain it but I know I can never feel toward someone else the way I feel towards you.”

I snuggled into him and he put his chin on top of my head. “There you go again. Gettin’ that extra cheese at Olive Garden.” He laughed adorably and stroked my arm. “But I love when you tell me things like that. It reassures me that I’m safe and I’m home.”

****

It was now May and I was a hearty 7 months pregnant and it took me a good 4 minutes to get up the stairs. “HOLLY COME HERE!” John yelled from downstairs once I was already up.

“I DON’T THINK SO!”

Once I sat down on the couch that was in the landing, John came jogging upstairs with his acoustic guitar he barely ever got out at home. “Check this out.” He started playing and got into his normal stage groove and started singing me a song about how happy he was but he had usual deep meanings and metaphors in it and just listening to it made me feel as happy as he was. I loved when his words moved me like that. “Well?”

“It was terrible. I can’t believe I sat through the whole thing.”

“So you like it?”

“Uh…yeah! Your voice envelops me.”

He looked weird like he’d never heard anyone say anything remotely close to what I did. “...Really?”

“John…” I stood up carefully and waddled to him and put my hands on his shoulders. “You’re good. You’re not just a pretty face.”

“So you think I’m pretty?”

I smiled. “No, you’re ugly.”

“You’re pretty too.”

I started walking towards the bedroom and said over my shoulder, “Shut up, boy.”

I was in the bed once I heard, “I love you too!” from a distance.

****

It was the 5 year anniversary of John and I seeing each other again but I was sad he was out doing an interview for AP magazine. I had been shopping with my mom and John’s mom, Jen, picking out some clothes for our girl we had decided to name Jenna Riley. “Are you excited for a girl?” Jen asked me.

“I guess so. It feels different now that I already have Holden…I know what to expect.”

“It’s going to feel a lot different too. Especially when you get to kid number 3, it’s hardly a struggle anymore.”

I stared at her but smiled. “So you’re the reason John wants six kids.”

“Six! I’m sure you haggled right?”

I laughed. “Yeah, but he wouldn’t go lower than four.”

She shook her head and laughed. She looked so much like John. “That boy. Man! He’s not a boy anymore.” My mom was quietly hanging back while I experienced a rare mother-daughter in law connection you barely see anymore. “I’m so glad he has you. Without you, he’d probably be subject to these crazy drug outbreaks, but you’re there to keep him in check.” She gave me a hug and we proceeded towards the checkout line, then she gave my mom a hug. It was one thing that a person would get along with their in-laws, but for that person’s parents to get along with their in-laws was very uncommon. Jen and my mom had become good friends since she moved down here and that made it seem like John and I were perfect for each other all the more.

--John--

“Yes, this one is perfect,” I said to the guy behind the counter. “She’ll love it.”

“When are you planning to propose?” He asked.

“Oh, we’re already engaged. This is for the wedding.”

He gave me a smile. “How long have you been engaged?”

“Oh, about four and a half years now.” I smiled and paid for the ring. I couldn’t wait to show her but I couldn’t until Christmas.

I checked my texts from about half an hour ago and Holly sent me a heart and Jared was asking when Holly was due, which was a few days from now. I needed to get home to be with her, but Kennedy and I had a quick interview with Alternative Press. Halfway through the interview, my phone kept blowing up so I turned it off vibrate and onto silent and Kennedy looked at me like he wanted to know what was up. “I don’t know.” I took out my phone again and I had a dozen unread texts from Holly and three from my mom telling me to get to the hospital now because Holly’s water just broke.