Bringing the Devil Out of Me

I could hardly bring myself to watch the series. I cheered halfheartedly as Ilya Kovalchuk raised the Stanley Cup over his head, and the smile that usually spread over my face as I watched the whole Cup ceremony just couldn’t surface. Smiling was one of those things that hurt to do, and as I curled up on the couch and watched the scene unfurl before me numbly, I wondered what had gone wrong in my life. Sidney had looked just as lost and confused as I felt as the camera panned past him in game 7 of the Eastern Conference Championships, but I knew that his loss and confusion was over the Cup, and not over me, the woman he had claimed to love. A spark of anger grew in my chest, and I clenched my fists tightly as the tears flowed down my cheeks once more.

^^^^^^

It had been twenty two days since I saw Alice. I felt the pain in my chest growing all the time, but I knew that I couldn’t ever repair the damage I had done. The whole time I was on the ice, I couldn’t stop thinking about what I had done. Hockey suddenly was drudgery. Life was suddenly dark and lonely. I didn’t know what to do, or where to turn as I walked into the building where she worked for an interview, prepared with a full apology to her, with the ring in my pocket, silently praying that she would accept my apology, and that everything would go back to the way it was. I arrived twenty minutes before the team was supposed to, and I headed directly to the floor where the sports department was located. I walked into the conference room where our interview was supposed to be, and froze as I saw a strange woman sitting where Alice usually sat.

“Where’s Alice?” I asked quietly.

“Didn’t you hear? Alice resigned a few weeks ago. She said something about personal issues. She’s going back to Jersey in a few weeks I think.” The woman said. I felt my stomach lurch as I stumbled blindly out of the conference room. My vision blurred as tears filled my eyes. What have I done? I’ve ruined it. I’ve ruined everything.

“Marc!” I screamed as Marc walked into the building. He paled as he saw the expression on my face, and I’m sure everyone could tell I had been crying.

“Sid…” Marc said quietly.

“Where is she? Where is Alice?” I asked, grabbing him by the shoulders.

^^^^^^

Sidney looked like a mad-man. Tears had stained his cheeks, his eye was still mildly bruised, and he had the look of a wild animal on his face as he grabbed me by the shoulders.

“I…I don’t know.” I lied. Alice had begged me not to tell Sidney where she was. She was actually still in our apartment, but she wanted it to seem as if she had moved out.

“How do you not know? She lives with you!” Sidney cried, and I shook my head.

“No…she doesn’t. Not anymore.” I lied once more. It hurt to lie to my friend and teammate, but after seeing everything that Alice had gone through, I knew she just wanted to protect herself.

“Fuck!” Sidney screamed before running out of the building. Evgeni dodged him as he walked out of the elevator.

“What happen to him?” Evgeni asked.

“He’s suddenly realizing how much he’s fucked up.” I said with a shrug.

^^^^^^

My lungs are burning by the time I leap out of the taxi and run up the steps to Alice’s apartment. I take the steps two at a time and a few people have to jump out of my way as I finally reach her floor. I pound on the door, not caring who sees me this way. I’m going insane. My heart is broken, and I know I’ve done it all to myself. I continue to bang furiously on the door.

“Alice please! I know you’re in there!” I call out, stopping my knocking. I hear the sound of breaking glass, and I know that she’s dropped a cup or something. I hear light footsteps fleeing from the doorway, and I slide down the door, sobs wracking my entire body. I just sit with my back against her door and weep. I am a broken man, and in this moment, there is nothing I can do to fix it.

I don’t know how I’ve managed to fall asleep, but when I wake up, I’m still sitting against the door to Alice’s apartment. A man looks at me strangely as he opens the door to his own apartment and walks inside, and I just hit my head against her door. The pain of knowing she is so close, but so unreachable is killing me. Every breath I take is sharp and painful, like my ribs are broken, but I know that the only thing broken is my heart. The rest of my body is numb, and I lean my head against her door once more.

“Alice, I’ll sit here all damn night if I have to,” I call out, hoping that she’ll hear me. After sitting there in the silence for a long time, I fall asleep again.

I wake up to the feeling of someone pushing me away from the door.

“Sidney get up. You look pathetic.” I hear a voice say. It’s cold, so cold that it’s almost unnatural. I look up and as soon as I see Alice, she lets go of my shoulders. I catch myself just in time, narrowly avoiding falling back and slamming my head against the floor.

“Alice…” is all I manage to croak. She stares at me. Her eyes are hard, her entire body is stiff, and I can see all of the pain I’ve caused her. Her hair isn’t as shiny as it used to be, she’s lost weight, and I can tell she hasn’t gotten much sun. Her eyes are red rimmed, there are dark circles beneath them, and her lips are drawn into a thin line. I want to kill myself for hurting her so badly.

“Leave. I’ve had security calling me for the past twenty minutes asking me to get you out of the goddamn hallway.” Alice growls before going to slam the door shut. I quickly shove my hand in the way, and I cringe as I feel the sickening snap of breaking bones. I can hear her sigh from behind the door, and she opens it just a tad.

“Please.” I say, and she shakes her head, but lets me in. My hand is throbbing, but the physical pain is nothing compared to the emotional pain I’m feeling right now. She leans against the kitchen counter, and I keep my distance, knowing that she wants nothing more than to get rid of me.

“Alice I fucked up.” I say lamely. She just glares at me.

“Really? I hadn’t noticed.” she growls.

“I was in a bad spot…I was freaking out over the playoffs, and I didn’t know what I was saying or doing half the time.” I said.

“Sidney I’m tired of that excuse! You’ve treated me like shit these past few months, and then you blame it on the stress of the playoffs! I understand you’re the captain of your team, and that it was a huge ordeal for you, but at the same time, you needed to man up and treat me right! Just because you’re stressed doesn’t give you the right to break my fucking heart Sidney Crosby!” Alice screamed, tears leaking out of her eyes. I felt my knees getting weak, and I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, trying to find the words to say.

“And I realize that now Alice…” I croaked.

“Sidney, I’m sorry…I know you’re trying to fix this…but I don’t do second chances. I can’t forgive you every time you do something like this. I know that next year will be like this all over again. And the year after that. And all of the times you play in the playoffs. I’m sorry Sidney, but I just can’t go through this every single year.” Alice said quietly, tears still rolling down her cheeks. I reached out with the hand she hasn’t broken to wipe away the tears, but she slaps it away. The door opens behind me, and I hear Marc stop in his footsteps as he takes in the scene before him. He quickly leaves once again.

“Please Alice, let me try and fix this. I love you, and I need you.” I pleaded, but Alice shook her head.

“Sidney, you’ve waited too long to try and fix this. If you had done this a few days…maybe even a week after, fine. But it shouldn’t take you this long to realize what you did. I’m moving on. It’s hard Sid…it’s really hard, but I have to move on with my life. I’m going back to Jersey, and there’s nothing you can do or say to stop me. Maybe in a few years we can be friends again, but I will never be able to love you again. Not the way I did. I’m sorry.” Alice said, and I felt my heart crumble even more. Tears made my vision blurry once more, and I took a step back from her.

“So this is it then? This is goodbye?” I asked quietly. Alice nodded somberly, and then took a step towards me. Her lips crushed against mine, and something in my chest blossomed, but my mind knew that it was only a goodbye kiss. I relished in the kiss, trying to remember the exact way her lips felt against mine, how she tasted like cherries and mint, and then it was over.

“Goodbye Sidney.” Alice whispered, and I walked out of the apartment. It was done, and I couldn’t fix it. I hailed a taxi, and told the cabbie to take me to the hospital. If I had to fix my broken life, I might as well start with my body.