A Strange Arrangement

I opened the door cautiously half expecting Versteeg to have skipped his appointment and be sitting on the couch waiting on me. The apartment was, however, very much so empty. Emptier than it had ever felt before. Just one day ago it was my home and now it seemed as though I could be arrested for trespassing. I wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible.

I led Sara to my room and she helped me transfer the clothes from my dresser into my luggage while I sifted through re-packing the boxes that were in my closet.

“Here. Get out of that already,” Sara said handing me a striped tank top and jeans and gesturing to the dress she had helped me pick out.

I took a tote bag in the bathroom with me as I went to change. I began packing away my hair products, straightener, and blow dryer in the bag when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I stared at myself for a good two minutes, not analyzing myself physically but emotionally. Who was I? The blow up I had towards Kris made me feel like I had evolved into someone different. Although it wasn't the most pleasant moment of my life, I felt like I had finally stood up for myself for the first time in my life, indifferent to the consequences. Some would say it was a moment I should be proud of. All I knew was that I felt lost without my best friend.

“I can't back down though. I can't keep being a doormat. I need to put my feelings first this time.”

I took a deep breath, opened the door, and walked back out into what was soon to no longer be my bedroom. I scanned the room and came to the conclusion that everything I needed was packed.

“Hey, uh, what do you want to do with this?” Sara said holding up the picture Kris had put by my bedside and shown me when I first moved in.

“Just, um...just leave that there.” I needed to lighten my heavy heart, not weigh it down with more things that would make me long for Kris. “Let's get going.”

“Do you want to write a note or anything?” she asked me.

“No. Why?”

“Well it's kind of a shitty thing to just-,” Sara paused mid-sentence at the sound of the front door opening.

“Fuck my fucking life.”

I told her to hush as though that would make us magically become invisible. Perhaps, in retrospect, we should have considered hiding but at that moment all we thought to do was freeze.

The footsteps drew nearer until I saw Versteeg walking down into the living room. His head turned in my direction and his eyes widened.

“Lex.” He looked as though he was facing my ghost. His eyes lowered to one of my suitcases sitting on the ground. “What are you doing?”

Sara walked around the side of my bed and poked her head into the doorway.

“Hey Kris,” she said softly. She turned and looked at me whispering, “I'm just gonna stand outside.” And then she hurried past Kris and out the door.

“What is all of this?” he asked again.

“I think this is for the best.” I explained not making eye contact with him.

“What? What exactly is for the best, Alexandria?” The tone of his voice getting louder and angrier.

“Distance, Kris. We need space right now.”

“I don't!”

“Well I do!” I yelled. I paused and calmed my voice. “I just can't do this.”

“Do you want me to break up with Cassidy?”

“No, no, no...” I tried to speak over him. He ignored me and continued his thought.

“Because I'll do it, Lex. I'll do it for you.” He walked closer and looked me hard in the eye. It was rare for him to be seen without a smile, but a serious look like this was an even more rare occurrence. “I know this is probably too much too late, but I can't lose you, kid.”

“I'm not going to guilt you into loving me-” I tried to argue.

“But you don't have to! I do love you!” he pleaded with me.

“For as long as I can remember that's all I've ever wanted to hear you say to me, but now that you finally have, it just doesn't feel right. This isn't how it's suppose to happen,” I told him with tears welling up in my eyes. “I'm sorry. I can't do this.”

I felt my bottom lip trembling as I turned around to gather as many things as I could. It was hard enough rejecting his pleas for me to stay, I didn't want to let him see me break down too.

“Don't, Lex. Come on,” he said to me. I walked past him without another word.

When I walked out into the hall Sara said to me “What happened?”

“Can you just go in there, please, and get the rest of my stuff? I'm going to get the elevator.” I think she could tell I was about to cry so she obliged without prying further.

Once I got into the elevator and the doors shut I dropped my bags and slumped to the ground letting the tears flow freely. This wasn't how I had foreseen my move to Philadelphia going but this was how it had ended up. A mess with no easy resolution in sight.