All This I'm Giving Up

Frankie,

First off, I want to let you know that I love you. More than anything in the world. You’re everything to me. You’re the reason I held on as long as I did.

But I can’t take it any longer. The pain, the tears, the constant abuse from almost everyone but you, it’s all too much to bear.

You’ll be better off without me, though, I only brought you down. You could have done so much more with your life, you could have gone places baby. You’reone of the most mind-blowing person I’ve ever known. You are beautiful, talented, caring, loving, and so many other things, but your astonishing personality is just indescribable.

Why you chose to stay with me, the person who’s worn the title of “Worlds Biggest Fuck-up“, for all these years is beyond me.

I don’t deserve you, I never did. My problems were always morphed into our problems. It wasn’t fair to you. None of it was.

It wasn’t fair that you had to constantly pick up the pieces when I screwed up. That you wiped away my tears, but had to muffle your sobs and choke back your weeping around me, when I was in one of my “fragile states”.

You didn’t think I heard you late at night, when you thought I was asleep, and you sobbed silently into your pillow, weakly muttering my name and how you just wished I could be okay.

It killed me that I couldn’t be there for you like you were for me. I longed to have the ability to comfort you, and put an end to your crying. But I didn’t have the strength that you had, that you have still.

You’ve always been the strong one. Do you remember the day we first met?

We were eight years old and in fourth grade, you were the kid playing kickball with all of your friends, while I was the weird boy who spent recess drawing in the soccer field by himself.

One day you walked up to me and asked me why I was always alone. I told you that it was because nobody wanted to be my friend. You said that was stupid, and that you wanted to be my best friend.

Well here we are, fourteen years later. Best friends and lovers.

I care about you so much, Frankie. I want you to know that you’re not the reason I’m doing this. I know this may hurt you, but I want you to forget me. But you would be so much better off just forgeting everything, all the pain I’ve caused you. Forget all tears you’ve previously shed.

And please don’t cry anymore. I hate it when you cry. No need to stain your perfect cheeks of porcelain with tears, baby.

Maybe we’ll meet again someday, on the other side, where there’s nothing and no one that can touch us, and we can live carefree like we used to.

I know I’ve said it a million times already, but, I love you.

-Gee

I read his words, his last words, over and over again.

I’m shaking violently. This isn’t real. I’m dreaming. Dreaming a horrible, horrible dream.

Paramedics didn’t really come and cut my best friend of fourteen years, and my boyfriend of six year’s body down from our ceiling. That could never happen. My Gee would never leave me. He told me that. He said he would stay with me forever.

If he left, who would I have to snuggle with at night? Who would I have to laugh at my stupid jokes? Who would I have to pretend my cooking edible?

Who would I have to love me?

He’s probably just at the store, or renting a movie for us to watch cuddled up on the couch together like we do most Saturday nights.

He’s not dead. I just need to wake up.

I bring my right arm up to pinch myself, still keeping my eyes glued to the tear-stained paper. But they're his tears. Not mine.

Nothing.

I pinch harder.

Nothing.

This is a dream. This is a dream. This is a dream. None of this is real.

Gee would never leave me. He couldn’t. He promised me. He swore that he would always be here. He fucking promised! Now I just need to wake up. Then everything will be better and my Gee will be here because he wouldn’t leave me!

I pinch harder, digging my nails deep into my skin.

A small amount of blood trickles from moon shaped dent my finger nails made.

This isn’t a dream.

I sink down onto the floor of our bedroom where I'd found him, still shaking uncontrollably. I feel the tears of despair pick my back of my eyes, threatening to fall.

But I can’t cry. He hates it when I cry.

Why does everything smell like him? That scent is overpowering my other senses. Making the room is spin. Making my vision blur. I can’t handle this.

He lied to me. He said he'd stay with me forever. He lied. He left me. Left me all alone in world.

Do you see me, Gerard, I’m not strong. I need you.