Save You

She sat up in bed and pulled her long brown hair into a loose low ponytail. Her eyes scanned over the dark room’s messy floor, trying to pinpoint her clothes. Luckily, everything was close to the bed and within arm’s reach so she didn’t have to do a lot of blind searching. After grabbing her clothes off of the floor, she carefully got out of bed and dressed in the dark.

As she finished tugging on her shirt, she caught a glimpse at the man who just moments ago she was lying next to. He was already asleep, his chest rising and falling in deep, even breathes. She stared down at him for a moment, watching him as he slumbered, before her gaze drifted to the alarm clock on his nightstand. It was already nearing three in the morning; she needed to get home soon.

She bit down on her bottom lip and slowly turned to leave the room. She carefully crept towards the door, navigating expertly through the darkness. Even though she knew that he wouldn’t care that she left-- in fact, she knew that he didn’t want her to stay the night-- she still didn’t want him to know that she was leaving now. When she reached the doorknob, she took one last look back at the sleeping man in bed. She let out a soft sigh and shook her head, slipping out of the bedroom and into the hallway.

She grabbed her jacket off the back of one of the dining room chairs and walked out the front door. Stuffing her hand in the right pocket of her jacket, she extracted her car key, and closed the front door. She got into her car, started up the engine, and pulled out onto the street, starting the silent drive home. Like always, she felt worthless and used, but that was nothing new to her. Not in this relationship. But she was used to it. Or at least she was getting used to it; getting used to being the one he called when he wanted to have some fun and nothing more. She had hoped it would turn into something more with time, but nothing ever changed. And she never did anything to change it.

She arrived home at three o’clock, taking note that the porch light was shut off. Her roommate must have forgotten that she was out, as usual. She killed the engine, pulled the key out of the ignition, and stepped out of the vehicle. She made it to the door and fumbled with her keys, trying to blindly slide the correct one into the lock.

After the third try, she got the right key in and successfully unlocked the door. When she stepped inside the house, it was completely silent. Not even a single creak could be heard as she silently shut the front door behind her. Silence enveloped her as she stood in the blackened room. Not even a lamp had been left on for her return, which was something she was also used to. She wasn’t even an afterthought in her roommate’s mind. She was just someone to pitch in half of the rent and utilities, nothing more.

Inhaling deeply, she made her way down the hall to her room; another route that she had memorized. She didn’t even bother to stop by the bathroom to brush her teeth; she simply made a beeline to her bedroom. Once inside, she collapsed onto her bed and curled up into a ball, feeling dirty, miserable, insignificant, and empty all at the same time. She took a deep breath through her nose and bit back the tears that threatened to spill down her cheeks.

“Don’t cry. You’re not going to cry,” she whispered to herself.

This was something that she told herself on nights like these. She wasn’t going to do it. She wasn’t going to let that defeated feeling win.

She couldn’t afford to let that defeated feeling win.

~

She returned from work by three that afternoon, completely exhausted. It wasn’t that work had been very strenuous; her fatigue was more due to the fact that she got hardly any sleep that night. Between tossing and turning and fighting the sick feeling of guilt and shame that gnawed at the pit of her stomach, she couldn’t really get a peaceful night’s rest. She trudged up the driveway and reached for the doorknob, turning it in hopes that it’d be unlocked. To her surprise, it was. She stepped into the house to see her roommate lounging on the couch.

“Oh, it’s you,” her roommate scoffed before returning her gaze to the television.

“Why, hello to you, too, Michelle,” she thought bitterly to herself, but said nothing in return. Instead, she just started making her way back to her room.

“Hey, Remy!” a familiar voice greeted her, and she looked up to see Michelle’s boyfriend, Brian, walking in from the kitchen with a beer in his hand and a smile on his face.

“Hi, Brian,” she replied, smiling politely back at him. She may have hated her roommate, but she did enjoy having Brian around. At least he acknowledged her, tried to make her feel included and welcome in her own home, and she appreciated him for that.

“Did you have a good day at work?” he asked as he leaned against the back of the couch and sipped his beer.

“It wasn’t too bad,” she answered, even though it wasn’t true.

Work had been dismal. It had been a slow day at the store she worked at as a lowly sales associate. When she wasn’t dealing with bitchy customers, she was busy stocking shelves and reorganizing displays so that things looked in order and presentable or rearranging things near the register in hopes that strategically moving one display of accessories would increase people’s likelihood of adding on a last-minute item. When she had nothing else to do, she would watch the front of the store to keep an eye out for new customers. Deep down, hoping to see a certain someone walk through the door just to say hi. It was what she did every day. But he’d never show up.

“You wanna hang out with us?” Brian offered, gesturing back to the couch.

Remy looked over at her roommate and met Michelle’s disapproving glare. Clearly, not everyone wanted her to join them. “Nah, that’s alright, Brian, but thanks for the offer.”

“You sure? Because we’d love to have you join us. Isn’t that right, Chelle?”

“Really, Remy, we’d love you have you,” Michelle said, fake enthusiasm dripping off her tongue.

“I’m sure, but thanks anyway. Maybe next time.”

Michelle smiled and returned her attention to the TV, engrossing herself in a rerun of some silly reality show.

“Yeah… Maybe next time,” Brian agreed, his smile fading a little bit. “So, what are you gonna do?”

“Um, I don’t really know… Probably just listen to some music. Maybe go see my…friend,” she said, knowing very well that she couldn’t call him her boyfriend when he hardly even counted as a friend.

“Oh, okay… Well, I hope you have fun. And if you end up changing your mind, you’re more than welcome to join us.”

“Thanks, Brian.” She smiled. “I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah. Later,” he replied, watching her as she walked out of the room. “Do you think Remy’s alright?” he asked his girlfriend as he returned to his seat beside her.

“I don’t know,” Michelle answered, not caring. “You know her, she’s always been weird like that. I swear I should have never put out that stupid ad for a roommate in the first place. Biggest mistake of my life.”

“Yeah…” he trailed off, his eyes drifting back to where his girlfriend’s roommate had been standing, “a mistake.”

Remy retreated to her room and quickly changed out of her work clothes and into a comfortable pair of lounge pants and a baggy grey t-shirt. She crawled onto her bed and grabbed her iPod off of her nightstand. She unwound the earbuds and stuck them into her ears before starting up her music. She stretched out onto the bed and closed her eyes, trying her best to relax or even sleep, but to no avail.

She sighed. Her eyes fell on her cell phone. She dreaded hearing her phone ring, dreaded hearing his voice on the other end, asking for her to come over tonight. But there was still a part of her that hoped that the phone would ring. There was a part of her that wished to hear his voice and receive another invitation to his place, even if it was only for a few hours.

~

Remy laid there beside the man she wished she could call her boyfriend, the man who only called on her because she was convenient. She turned her head to see him lying on his stomach with his head resting on his pillow. She could tell by the drool running from his slightly parted lips that he was fast asleep. Not even five minutes after they had sex and he was already passed out. But what had she come to expect by now? It was just another part of their relationship, just something that she had gotten used to.

She drew her lips together, momentarily debating whether she should try to wake him or not, but she knew better than that. She knew that wasn’t part of their arrangement. There was no affection, no love. There were no post-coital cuddles or tender words exchanged. There was only him instantly falling asleep, and her feeling stupid for allowing this to continue, for allowing herself to be used like this.

All she ever wanted was to be told that she’s beautiful. She just wanted to feel loved, just once. Maybe that’s why she stayed with him for so long. Maybe deep down she believed that if she stuck around long enough, that if she continued to let him use her like this, that maybe one day he’d tell her that he loved her, he’d tell her just how beautiful he thinks she is. Why else would he keep her around for so long if he didn’t even an inkling of love for her? Why keep her around if he didn’t think she was beautiful?

It was all she could hold onto to convince herself that she wasn’t a complete idiot.

A sigh passed from her lips, and she sat up, hugging the comforter to her chest. She looked down at the floor, located her clothes, and began her routine. Getting up from the bed, she leaned forward and gathered up her clothes. She placed them onto the bed and started getting dressed in the dark, squinting every now and then in the dim light to make sure she wasn’t putting anything on inside out or backward.

She smoothed down her shirt and then tiptoed out of his room. She caught one more look at him before she closed the door, briefly wishing that he would get up and beg her not to leave, but he doesn’t even stir. A low, humorless chuckle escaped from her throat, she shook her head at her stupidity, and then she finished sneaking out of his house and into her car.

The trip home was just like all the others; she drove home in silence, she still had that same feeling of worthlessness and self-hatred welling up in the pit of her stomach. She even told herself that she wasn’t going to let this happen again. The next time he wanted her to come over, she would set the ground rules and let him know that if he wanted their little arrangement to continue then he would finally commit to her. But she knew that she would never actually do that. She was all big action in her head, but she never actually committed to those ideas and followed through. She was a coward.

It was one in the morning when she finally pulled into her driveway, much earlier than her usual three o’clock arrivals, and yet she knew that nothing was going to be different. She would still sneak into the same dark house, she’d still crawl into bed and fight back tears of self-pity, and she wouldn’t get a good night’s sleep. It only meant a couple more hours of lying in bed and staring at the ceiling, wishing that her life was different. Everything was exactly the same.

But when she turned off the engine, there was something different.

The porch light was on.

She stared out the windshield for a moment, surprised that Michelle was actually being considerate for once. And though she knew it was silly, Remy silently hoped that it was a sign that things were finally going to change.

~

Brian sat on the couch, absentmindedly drumming his fingers as he stared blankly ahead of him. He couldn’t sleep, so he crept out of bed once Michelle finally drifted off to sleep. He thought that watching a little bit of TV would do the trick, that he’d find an infomercial to bore him into drowsiness, but no.

He hadn’t even managed to turn on the TV.

Instead, he just sat there and thought. He thought about little things, like what he was going to do the next day, if he had errands to run or if he was just going to hang out with his friends. And he’d think about bigger things. Things like where his relationship with Michelle was going.

There was a part of him that cared about her, that loved her. But then there was another part of him that felt stuck. That he was just staying in the relationship for appearances, because of the fact that she was the sister of one of his best friend’s girlfriends. He was afraid that a breakup would make things too awkward, too weird afterward. He just wasn’t sure what to do, what would be best.

The front door opened, and he turned to see Remy enter the house. She stopped in her steps when she saw him sitting there. He could tell that she wasn’t expecting to see him there. To be honest, he wasn’t sure if he was going to see her or not. He knew that she was going to come home late, but he had figured he would have gone back to bed long before she returned.

“Oh… Hi, Brian,” she mumbled as she nervously tucked her hair behind her ear.

“Hey, Remy,” he replied.

“I… I wasn’t expecting to see you here,” she said, closing the door quietly behind her.

“I just have a little trouble sleeping tonight, that’s all.”

“Oh… So, Michelle’s--”

“Sound asleep upstairs,” he answered.

“Oh…”

Silence fell over them. Neither of them knew what to say to the other. Remy didn’t know if she should just go to her room and leave him alone or stay with him. It wasn’t like she was going to be able to sleep that night anyway, but she didn’t know if he wanted to be left alone or not.

“So, did you have a good time at your friend’s?” he asked.

She nodded her head. “Yeah, I had an alright time…”

“You’re still seeing that guy? What’s his name…Ricky?”

“Yeah. Ricky… I’m still seeing him…” she trailed off. It was weird saying his name; weird to say that she was seeing him even though she technically was seeing him, she just wasn’t dating him.

“You alright, Remy?”

“Yeah, I’m fine…”

“You wanna sit down? Or do you have to get to bed?”

“I can sit,” she answered as she walked to the couch. She sat down, making sure not to get too close to him, in fear that Michelle would wake up and get the wrong idea. It wouldn’t be the first time her roommate freaked out and accused her of coming on to Brian.

“So, what does Ricky do?”

“He’s doing a paid internship at some law firm.”

“Sounds impressive,” Brian said, glancing at her.

“Yeah, I guess it is…”

“Are you sure you’re alright?”

She looked up at him, and their eyes met briefly. “I’m sure.”

“Okay…”

“Are you alright, Brian?”

“Yeah,” he said, a bit surprised that she asked.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure, Remy.” He smiled and rested his hand over hers. “But thanks for asking.”

“Mmhmm.” She nodded. Her eyes flickered down to their hands and she swallowed hard. She felt nervous, but she wasn’t sure exactly what was making her nervous, the fear that Michelle would walk in and throw around wild accusations, or the fact that his touch made her heart race.

“You look pretty,” he said, yanking her out of her thoughts.

“I do?”

“Yeah, you do,” he smiled, and she found herself smiling back at him.

“Thanks,” she said, happy to hear someone tell her that; even if it was from her roommate’s boyfriend.

“Did you and Ricky go out somewhere?”

She chuckled and shook her head. “No. Um, Ricky and I don’t really go out…ever.”

“You don’t?”

“No, we’re more of a stay in…couple…I guess…” she said, trailing off and feeling uncomfortable again. She hated talking about her “relationship” with Ricky because it wasn’t really a relationship to be proud of. It wasn’t really a relationship at all, no matter how much she wanted it to be.

“You’re not happy about that, are you?”

“Of course I am. Why would you even--”

“Because I can read you,” he cut her off. “Your eyes say it; the way you talk about him says it. You’re not happy. And don’t lie and say that you are.”

“It’s just not ideal, that all…”

“What do you mean?”

“My,” she scoffed, “relationship with Ricky isn’t exactly what I want it to be. It’s not really what I’ve made it out to be.” He looked at her, telling her to continue. “It’s not really a relationship at all.” She laughed, realizing just how pathetic she really was. “We only ever see each other when he wants to have sex… I’m a glorified booty call.”

“Why do you let him do that to you?”

She shrugged her shoulders and sighed. “I don’t really know… I guess I just… A part of me hopes that one day he’s going to open up his eyes and see that I’m a great girl… I hope that he’ll see that he really wants to be with me…Maybe he’ll even realize that he loves me… It’s stupid, right? Tell me that I’m stupid, because I feel really stupid. Saying all that made me feel stupid.”

“You’re not stupid, Remy. He’s the stupid one if he can’t see how great you are. And, no, I’m not just saying that to make you feel better.”

“Really?” she asked, feeling tears sting at her eyes.

“Really,” he said softly as he brushed a tear from her cheek. “I think you’re amazing.”

“Thanks, Brian,” she chuckled, “you’re pretty amazing, too.”

“Come here,” he murmured, pulling her in close to him, and she rested her head on his shoulder. “You deserve much better than what Ricky’s giving you, Rem.”

“Thanks, Bri… But what if I can’t find that? What if there’s no one out there who will treat me better? What if Ricky’s the best that I’ll ever find? What if he’s the only one that will ever want me?”

“Hey,” he coaxed her face up so that she was looking at him, “don’t think that, Remy. There is someone out there who will treat you right. There’s someone there who can see just how great you are.”

“I’m not that great.”

“Yeah, you are, Remy. There are lots of guys who would kill to have someone as smart and kind and sweet and funny and beautiful as you.”

She stared at him, her big brown eyes locking onto his. “Beautiful?”

“Yeah, beautiful,” he breathed, smiling warmly at her. “You’re beautiful, Remy. And you don’t need to let yourself be treated like this.”

“Maybe I do…”

“No, you don’t. No one does.” He swept a small section of hair out of her face. “You deserve to be happy.”

“And what about you?” she whispered, her eyes still trained on his.

“What about me?”

“Don’t you deserve to be happy?”

“I-- I am happy,” he said unconvincingly.

“Are you really? Because you don’t seem happy anymore, Brian; at least not as happy as you were when we first met. Like you said about me, it’s in your eyes. When you’re with your friends, I see your eyes light up. You’re happy, genuinely happy. But when I see you with Michelle…” she paused, trying to find the right words. “When you’re with her, your eyes lose that light, that sparkle. You look sad even when you’ve got a smile on your face.”

He swallowed and said nothing. He simply stared at her.

“Maybe I’m not the only one who needs to be saved,” she said softly, her eyes never leaving his. “Maybe…” she paused and nervously licked her lips, “I can help you?”

He smiled and nodded his head. “Yeah, I think you can. But I have one condition.”

“What’s that?”

He gently cupped her face in his hand and placed a tender kiss on her lips. “Let me save you,” he murmured as his fingertips lightly grazed her cheek.

She felt a smile pull at her mouth. “You’ve got yourself a deal,” she chuckled, grinning as she let him place another soft kiss on her lips.