Salvation
Chapter 23
“Frank, will you check how much shampoo there is please?!” I yelled up the stairs, picking at the stitching in the sleeves of my jumper.
“No!” came the shouted reply after a minute
“No?! Why not?!”
“It feels too…domesticated!”
“Frank, you’re my boyfriend and we live together, we are domestic, now will you please just hurry up and get dressed and check if we need shampoo so we can go shopping?!”
“Fine!” I sighed and went back to the kitchen to continue digging through the cupboards and writing down things that we were short of. After a little while, arms wrapped around my waist and Frank rested his head on the gap between my shoulders.
“Well?”
“Kiss me and I might find it in my heart to tell you.” I smiled slightly, turned around and pressed my lips briefly to his. “Nope, too tame, try again.” I sighed and crashed my lips back onto his, tangling my hands in my hair so that he stayed firmly attached to me. My tongue began to explore his mouth and he seemed to melt into me, moaning slightly. He gasped when I suddenly pulled away, resting his head on my chest. I chuckled and kissed the top of his head, wrapping my arms around him.
“Better?”
“So much better,” he laughed shakily. “No, we don’t need more shampoo.”
“Good, come on then Sparky, let’s go.” I grabbed the list and my wallet in one hand and his hand in the other and we began to walk to the car.
“Sparky?”
“I have no idea where that came from.”
“Huh.” He shrugged and grinned at me as I unlocked the car and we slid into our seats.
The journey into town was filled with mindless, intermittent chat about random things. I liked the silences as much as I liked the chat, simply because I could feel that we were just enjoying each other’s company, our hands linked on Frank’s seat.
When he first tried to take my hand in the supermarket I brushed it off as needing him to push the trolley while I grabbed the food we needed.
The second time he tried to be affectionate was in the queue to pay, trying to play with my hands. Again I stopped him by trying to find all the cards and tickets and vouchers I needed from wallet but I think that that time he noticed my nervousness and his eyes narrowed.
I knew when he tried to take my hand in the high street as we walked down to the shoe shop that it was a test, but what could I do? When I didn’t take his hand he scowled and he spent the rest of the time in a stony silence.
He finally let it all out when we were back at home and I was putting the shopping away. He stormed into the kitchen and slammed his fists down onto the marble worktop. I finished putting the ice cream in the freezer and turned to face him with a calm exterior, but inside I was screaming in panic. His exterior seemed angry but I could see the hurt in his eyes, my actions had hurt him.
“So tell me Gerard, it’s just fine for you to show me affection in the club but I want to show you affection and you just brush me off? How the fuck does that work? Because I’m not a fan of double standards.”
“Frank, I knew I could show you affection in the club because no one there had a chance of recognizing me, but in the middle of town, someone I knew could have easily seen us and my mother would have known in seconds.”
“You’re 29 years old and still letting your mother rule your life?”
“What choice do I have? In her eyes I’m her only son, I can’t just ignore her and the things that she could tell people…I can’t…” Suddenly Frank walked around to intertwine our fingers.
“What can you have possibly done that you can’t even tell me? I won’t look any different on you Gerard, I promise, I –” Again he stopped himself by cutely biting his lip before he could finish his sentence. I was desperate to know what he had been about to say, but I wasn’t going to push it.
“I can’t tell you. I don’t want to, it’s in the past, it’s done with, it’s never coming back.”
“So why don’t we move away? We could go to a complete different state, different country and never have to worry about it again!”
“I can’t just leave my job, my mother, my brother, my friends; I only just got them back! Maybe…maybe we just shouldn’t be together. Not that I don’t want to be! I just think that I’m not very good for you if we can’t be together in public.”
“Gerard Way, this is the most perfect relationship I have ever been in. My relationships are usually instantly violent and messy and not healthy. But you, you are kind and sweet and naive,” he chuckled slightly. “Who cares if I can’t show you off in most public places, I have you still and that’s all that matters. I’m sorry I overacted, I wasn’t thinking.”
“That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.” I confessed quietly, laughing shakily. Frank smiled and reached up to kiss me gently, pulling away when his mobile started ringing in his pocket. He answered it, still smiling at me, but the second he heard the voice at the other end, his smile collapsed.
“Oh fuck, I’ll be right over, we need to talk.” He hung up, burying his face in my chest. “Shit, shit, shit.”
“Frankie, what’s up?”
“Gee, I need to go somewhere and deal with something. I should be back later.”
“Should? Frankie, what’s going on?”
“Just trust me.” He kissed me once more before grabbing his jacket and car keys, leaving me confused and hurt.
“No!” came the shouted reply after a minute
“No?! Why not?!”
“It feels too…domesticated!”
“Frank, you’re my boyfriend and we live together, we are domestic, now will you please just hurry up and get dressed and check if we need shampoo so we can go shopping?!”
“Fine!” I sighed and went back to the kitchen to continue digging through the cupboards and writing down things that we were short of. After a little while, arms wrapped around my waist and Frank rested his head on the gap between my shoulders.
“Well?”
“Kiss me and I might find it in my heart to tell you.” I smiled slightly, turned around and pressed my lips briefly to his. “Nope, too tame, try again.” I sighed and crashed my lips back onto his, tangling my hands in my hair so that he stayed firmly attached to me. My tongue began to explore his mouth and he seemed to melt into me, moaning slightly. He gasped when I suddenly pulled away, resting his head on my chest. I chuckled and kissed the top of his head, wrapping my arms around him.
“Better?”
“So much better,” he laughed shakily. “No, we don’t need more shampoo.”
“Good, come on then Sparky, let’s go.” I grabbed the list and my wallet in one hand and his hand in the other and we began to walk to the car.
“Sparky?”
“I have no idea where that came from.”
“Huh.” He shrugged and grinned at me as I unlocked the car and we slid into our seats.
The journey into town was filled with mindless, intermittent chat about random things. I liked the silences as much as I liked the chat, simply because I could feel that we were just enjoying each other’s company, our hands linked on Frank’s seat.
When he first tried to take my hand in the supermarket I brushed it off as needing him to push the trolley while I grabbed the food we needed.
The second time he tried to be affectionate was in the queue to pay, trying to play with my hands. Again I stopped him by trying to find all the cards and tickets and vouchers I needed from wallet but I think that that time he noticed my nervousness and his eyes narrowed.
I knew when he tried to take my hand in the high street as we walked down to the shoe shop that it was a test, but what could I do? When I didn’t take his hand he scowled and he spent the rest of the time in a stony silence.
He finally let it all out when we were back at home and I was putting the shopping away. He stormed into the kitchen and slammed his fists down onto the marble worktop. I finished putting the ice cream in the freezer and turned to face him with a calm exterior, but inside I was screaming in panic. His exterior seemed angry but I could see the hurt in his eyes, my actions had hurt him.
“So tell me Gerard, it’s just fine for you to show me affection in the club but I want to show you affection and you just brush me off? How the fuck does that work? Because I’m not a fan of double standards.”
“Frank, I knew I could show you affection in the club because no one there had a chance of recognizing me, but in the middle of town, someone I knew could have easily seen us and my mother would have known in seconds.”
“You’re 29 years old and still letting your mother rule your life?”
“What choice do I have? In her eyes I’m her only son, I can’t just ignore her and the things that she could tell people…I can’t…” Suddenly Frank walked around to intertwine our fingers.
“What can you have possibly done that you can’t even tell me? I won’t look any different on you Gerard, I promise, I –” Again he stopped himself by cutely biting his lip before he could finish his sentence. I was desperate to know what he had been about to say, but I wasn’t going to push it.
“I can’t tell you. I don’t want to, it’s in the past, it’s done with, it’s never coming back.”
“So why don’t we move away? We could go to a complete different state, different country and never have to worry about it again!”
“I can’t just leave my job, my mother, my brother, my friends; I only just got them back! Maybe…maybe we just shouldn’t be together. Not that I don’t want to be! I just think that I’m not very good for you if we can’t be together in public.”
“Gerard Way, this is the most perfect relationship I have ever been in. My relationships are usually instantly violent and messy and not healthy. But you, you are kind and sweet and naive,” he chuckled slightly. “Who cares if I can’t show you off in most public places, I have you still and that’s all that matters. I’m sorry I overacted, I wasn’t thinking.”
“That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.” I confessed quietly, laughing shakily. Frank smiled and reached up to kiss me gently, pulling away when his mobile started ringing in his pocket. He answered it, still smiling at me, but the second he heard the voice at the other end, his smile collapsed.
“Oh fuck, I’ll be right over, we need to talk.” He hung up, burying his face in my chest. “Shit, shit, shit.”
“Frankie, what’s up?”
“Gee, I need to go somewhere and deal with something. I should be back later.”
“Should? Frankie, what’s going on?”
“Just trust me.” He kissed me once more before grabbing his jacket and car keys, leaving me confused and hurt.