Salvation
Chapter 8
“Gerard.”
“Frank?”
“Gerard, I – Gerard, I have cancer.” Those three words that somehow managed to take my heart and viciously rip it into two. I gripped Frank's shirt in both hands and pulled him over the threshold.
But he didn’t stop; his chest pressed into mine, his lips crashing against mine. My breath caught in my throat again. This was more desperate than the kiss that had been playing on my mind almost constantly for over a week. But it wasn’t enough for me; I succumbed. I pushed him away from me only slightly, slamming the door shut behind him and then tangled my hands into his hair, pulling his head back so that I could crash my lips back onto his. He surprised me slightly when I felt his tongue running along my bottom lip but I trusted him and my involuntary reaction to part my lips. His tongue started to explore my mouth as we kissed.
Suddenly I seemed to gather my senses and realized exactly what I was doing. I pulled away and turned from him, walking away to stand in the living room.
“Gerard…”
“Romans 1:27 ‘Men do shameful things with each other, and as a result they bring upon themselves the punishment they deserve for their wrongdoing.’”
“Are you ashamed?”
“I’m ashamed of what I feel when you kiss me.” I finally turned to face him.
“And what do you feel for me?”
“I don’t feel anything for you,” I lied harshly. Cancer. Oh God.
“Fine.”
“I can’t believe you Frank! 1 Thessalonians 4:6-9 ‘In this matter, then, none of you should do wrong to other Christians or take advantage of them. We have told you this before, and we strongly warned you that the Lord will punish those who do that.7 God did not call us to live in immorality, but in holiness.’” Cancer. Oh God. He might die.
“Ephesians 5:32 ‘…be kind and tender-hearted to one another, and forgive one another, as God has forgiven you through Christ.’”
“Don’t keep quoting the Bible back at me!” Cancer. Oh God. He might die. I didn’t want him to die.
“You’re just literal Protestant who can’t handle the fact that you can’t take the Bible literally because it contradicts itself!”
“Will you just shut up and kiss me again?!” Cancer. Oh God. He might die. I didn’t want him to die. I didn’t want him to leave me. He smirked and pushed me gently over the arm of the sofa so I was lying on my back with his small body resting on mine.
I had no idea at what point during our fall our lips met again but they were connected, moving in sync.
I had thought that the kiss we were sharing was the total amount of pleasure that was possible. That was, until Frank rolled his hips down onto mine. I gasped loudly into our kiss.
“Fuck Frankie,” I moaned out in pleasure, breaking the heated kiss. Frank’s eyes grew wide in delight.
“Did you just swear?” I felt my own eyes grow wide and I clamped my hand over my mouth, shaking my head vigorously.
“No!” The muffled protest escaped from around my hand.
“You did! You just swore for the first time ever! I feel like a proud mother.” Then his smile turned evilly mischievous again. “Now admit to me your sexuality and I’ll do it again.” I hadn’t though it was possible that my eyes could grow any wider, but they did and I promptly squeezed them shut, praying with all my might.
“I’m not gay!” I protested.
“Says the man who just moaned in pleasure as a result of another man. When was the last time you dated a girl?”
“Err…never.” I confessed.
“Right, and when was the last time you did anything with a girl?”
“Err…never.” I admitted, finally opening my eyes to look into Frank’s hazel ones. Realization appeared to dawn on him.
“Wait, in the restaurant, was I your first kiss?” I looked away ashamedly, I felt his finger on my chin and he pulled my face back to face him.
“Don’t Frankie…” I begged, excepting him to tease me.
“Why are you ashamed?”
“I’m twenty eight years old and I had my first kiss just over a week ago. I’m pathetic."
“I think it’s admirable. Why did you leave it that long?”
“I was saving it.”
“So why did you let me kiss you?”
“Because I was saving my first kiss for someone special.” Frank’s eyes grew wide and he pressed his lips to mine again.
“I – I don’t know what to say.”
“Frankie, I’m so scared.”
“I like it when you call me Frankie, no one else does. I know you’re scared but you have to trust me. Do you trust me?” I thought about it for a second.
“I trust you.”
“Good, I was scared you might not.”
“Will you answer my question now?” He looked at me, confused. “The one about why you first talked to me.” He sighed and took a minute, I waited patiently for him.
“I felt that God was calling me to save you. I’ve never felt a feeling as strong as that before.” Now it was his turn to look away.
“Save me from what?” I asked, pulling his face back to me in the same way he had.
“Yourself.”
“Frankie?”
“Yeah?”
“You have a boyfriend.”
“So?”
“So we can’t do this.”
“Do what Gerard?” That mischievous twinkle was back in his eyes.
“Anything!”
“Why not? He’s away, I don’t love him, it’s not like he’s never cheated on me. And I don’t ignore a calling from God.” He winked at me before slamming his lips back onto mine.
“We are breaking so many rules!” I realized, breaking the kiss again. Frank sighed and looked expectantly at me.
“I’m expecting a list…”
“The act of homosexuality, lying, adultery…”
“…And there it is. You know what Gerard? I don’t give a fuck. I like you, I really like you. Life and religion aren’t as complicated as you think. We can like each other and do things with…and to…each other without invoking the wrath of God. It’s humanity that puts a label on love and condemns it. I don’t believe in a God that is going to send me to hell because I’m falling in love with a man, I believe in a God that loves me no matter what and who wants me to be true to myself and the feelings he’s given me. Genesis 1:27 ‘So God created human beings, making them to be like himself.’ God made us this way Gerard, you have to stop running from it.”
“But what if we are ill? What if these feelings are an illness we need to be cleansed of?”
“Do you really believe that?”
“A little bit,” I confessed. He sighed and tangled his hands in my hair, pulling my face up to meet his lips, rolling his hips down again.
I let him kiss me for a few minutes before doubt and panic crept back into my mind again. I gently took hold of Frank’s hips and flipped us over, pulling away. I looked into his hazel eyes one more time before I got up and left him alone in my house, closing the front door quietly behind me.
Cancer. Oh God.
“Frank?”
“Gerard, I – Gerard, I have cancer.” Those three words that somehow managed to take my heart and viciously rip it into two. I gripped Frank's shirt in both hands and pulled him over the threshold.
But he didn’t stop; his chest pressed into mine, his lips crashing against mine. My breath caught in my throat again. This was more desperate than the kiss that had been playing on my mind almost constantly for over a week. But it wasn’t enough for me; I succumbed. I pushed him away from me only slightly, slamming the door shut behind him and then tangled my hands into his hair, pulling his head back so that I could crash my lips back onto his. He surprised me slightly when I felt his tongue running along my bottom lip but I trusted him and my involuntary reaction to part my lips. His tongue started to explore my mouth as we kissed.
Suddenly I seemed to gather my senses and realized exactly what I was doing. I pulled away and turned from him, walking away to stand in the living room.
“Gerard…”
“Romans 1:27 ‘Men do shameful things with each other, and as a result they bring upon themselves the punishment they deserve for their wrongdoing.’”
“Are you ashamed?”
“I’m ashamed of what I feel when you kiss me.” I finally turned to face him.
“And what do you feel for me?”
“I don’t feel anything for you,” I lied harshly. Cancer. Oh God.
“Fine.”
“I can’t believe you Frank! 1 Thessalonians 4:6-9 ‘In this matter, then, none of you should do wrong to other Christians or take advantage of them. We have told you this before, and we strongly warned you that the Lord will punish those who do that.7 God did not call us to live in immorality, but in holiness.’” Cancer. Oh God. He might die.
“Ephesians 5:32 ‘…be kind and tender-hearted to one another, and forgive one another, as God has forgiven you through Christ.’”
“Don’t keep quoting the Bible back at me!” Cancer. Oh God. He might die. I didn’t want him to die.
“You’re just literal Protestant who can’t handle the fact that you can’t take the Bible literally because it contradicts itself!”
“Will you just shut up and kiss me again?!” Cancer. Oh God. He might die. I didn’t want him to die. I didn’t want him to leave me. He smirked and pushed me gently over the arm of the sofa so I was lying on my back with his small body resting on mine.
I had no idea at what point during our fall our lips met again but they were connected, moving in sync.
I had thought that the kiss we were sharing was the total amount of pleasure that was possible. That was, until Frank rolled his hips down onto mine. I gasped loudly into our kiss.
“Fuck Frankie,” I moaned out in pleasure, breaking the heated kiss. Frank’s eyes grew wide in delight.
“Did you just swear?” I felt my own eyes grow wide and I clamped my hand over my mouth, shaking my head vigorously.
“No!” The muffled protest escaped from around my hand.
“You did! You just swore for the first time ever! I feel like a proud mother.” Then his smile turned evilly mischievous again. “Now admit to me your sexuality and I’ll do it again.” I hadn’t though it was possible that my eyes could grow any wider, but they did and I promptly squeezed them shut, praying with all my might.
“I’m not gay!” I protested.
“Says the man who just moaned in pleasure as a result of another man. When was the last time you dated a girl?”
“Err…never.” I confessed.
“Right, and when was the last time you did anything with a girl?”
“Err…never.” I admitted, finally opening my eyes to look into Frank’s hazel ones. Realization appeared to dawn on him.
“Wait, in the restaurant, was I your first kiss?” I looked away ashamedly, I felt his finger on my chin and he pulled my face back to face him.
“Don’t Frankie…” I begged, excepting him to tease me.
“Why are you ashamed?”
“I’m twenty eight years old and I had my first kiss just over a week ago. I’m pathetic."
“I think it’s admirable. Why did you leave it that long?”
“I was saving it.”
“So why did you let me kiss you?”
“Because I was saving my first kiss for someone special.” Frank’s eyes grew wide and he pressed his lips to mine again.
“I – I don’t know what to say.”
“Frankie, I’m so scared.”
“I like it when you call me Frankie, no one else does. I know you’re scared but you have to trust me. Do you trust me?” I thought about it for a second.
“I trust you.”
“Good, I was scared you might not.”
“Will you answer my question now?” He looked at me, confused. “The one about why you first talked to me.” He sighed and took a minute, I waited patiently for him.
“I felt that God was calling me to save you. I’ve never felt a feeling as strong as that before.” Now it was his turn to look away.
“Save me from what?” I asked, pulling his face back to me in the same way he had.
“Yourself.”
“Frankie?”
“Yeah?”
“You have a boyfriend.”
“So?”
“So we can’t do this.”
“Do what Gerard?” That mischievous twinkle was back in his eyes.
“Anything!”
“Why not? He’s away, I don’t love him, it’s not like he’s never cheated on me. And I don’t ignore a calling from God.” He winked at me before slamming his lips back onto mine.
“We are breaking so many rules!” I realized, breaking the kiss again. Frank sighed and looked expectantly at me.
“I’m expecting a list…”
“The act of homosexuality, lying, adultery…”
“…And there it is. You know what Gerard? I don’t give a fuck. I like you, I really like you. Life and religion aren’t as complicated as you think. We can like each other and do things with…and to…each other without invoking the wrath of God. It’s humanity that puts a label on love and condemns it. I don’t believe in a God that is going to send me to hell because I’m falling in love with a man, I believe in a God that loves me no matter what and who wants me to be true to myself and the feelings he’s given me. Genesis 1:27 ‘So God created human beings, making them to be like himself.’ God made us this way Gerard, you have to stop running from it.”
“But what if we are ill? What if these feelings are an illness we need to be cleansed of?”
“Do you really believe that?”
“A little bit,” I confessed. He sighed and tangled his hands in my hair, pulling my face up to meet his lips, rolling his hips down again.
I let him kiss me for a few minutes before doubt and panic crept back into my mind again. I gently took hold of Frank’s hips and flipped us over, pulling away. I looked into his hazel eyes one more time before I got up and left him alone in my house, closing the front door quietly behind me.
Cancer. Oh God.