Salvation
Chapter 9
“Gerard? Son, what brings you to Church at this late hour? You should be at home, surely!”
“I just needed the peace and serenity of God’s house, Father Richardson.”
“There is no where better. Would you like to talk about what is troubling you Gerard?”
“Father, is it wrong to be tempted?”
“Not at all Gerard, it is in human nature to be tempted, right back to Adam and Eve.”
“Really?”
“Tell me child, what are you tempted by?” I nearly told him the truth about how attracted I was to Frank, about how it felt to feel his soft lips pressed against mine, his prominent hipbones beneath my hand, his hair knotted between my fingers. But then I realized that I didn’t want anyone to know my shame that I was attracted to a man.
“It’s a woman Father,” I lied hesitantly.
“Let me use a passage from Ephesians to guide you Gerard, after all, the Bible is God’s word. ‘Finally, build up your strength in union with the Lord and by means of his mighty power. Put on all the armour that God gives you, so that you will be able to stand up against the Devil's evil tricks. For we are not fighting against human beings but against the wicked spiritual forces in the heavenly world…So put on God's armour now! Then when the evil day comes, you will be able to resist the enemy's attacks; and after fighting to the end, you will still hold your ground.’”
“What does it mean by God’s armour Father?”
“Truth, righteousness, spreading the Good News, faith, salvation and prayer, son. That is God’s armour.”
“So this…woman…is God’s test of my strength?”
“James 1:13 ‘If people are tempted by such trials, they must not say, ‘This temptation comes from God.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, and he himself tempts no one. But we are tempted when we are drawn away and trapped by our own evil desires. Then our evil desires conceive and give birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.’”
“I’m not sure I can pass this test Father.”
“You won’t without faith.” I suddenly remembered that I had left Frank, alone and probably venerable after what I had learned. The guilt instantly crushed me.
“I have to go Father, thank you for your guidance.”
“You’re quite welcome Gerard, you can come to me anytime you need me. Stay strong in the face of temptation and remember how much God loves you.”
“God bless Father.”
...
“Frank? Are you awake?” He didn’t look awake, stretched out across the sofa with his eyes shut, one hand on his chest and the other on his stomach, breathing deeply. The only sign that he had moved at all from here I had left him was that my Bible had moved across the coffee table and the bottle of wine, that I had only had half a glass of, was now half empty with o sign of a glass in sight. I felt even more ashamed of the way I’d left him.
“Frankie?” I tried again but when I still received no answer I presumed he was asleep. I retrieved a blanket from the cupboard upstairs and gently laid I over him. He looked even smaller when he was asleep. Then I returned the wine to it’s place in the kitchen and sat down I the armchair across from the sofa, reaching out again for my Bible when Frank suddenly sat up, wrapping the blanket around himself and watching me carefully. I jumped violently at the sudden movement of the man I thought was sleeping and my hand shot back.
“Hey,” he said quietly, looking down.
“I thought you were asleep.”
“I was pretending. I wanted to see what you would do. Thank you for the blanket, that was sweet.”
“Are you drunk?” I felt the need to ask him, since I wasn’t sure how to reply to his comment. He laughed.
“On half a bottle of wine?” No. Did your priest help?”
“How did –”
“I just knew.”
“Yeah, he did help.” We lapsed into silence for a minute, neither of us looking at each other.
“Gerard?” Frank broke it first.
“Cancer.”
“Yes. But, if you’d let me explain before shoving your tongue down my throat –”
“I think you’ll find it was your tongue down my throat.”
“Whatever, you kissed me first. What I was also going to tell you is that it’s probably going to be okay. We found it early and it hasn’t spread and the lump should be easy to remove. The only reason I freaked out a bit is that it’s still a scary thing to learn. I’m sorry I came over, it’s just, with Jon gone, I just needed someone to turn to.”
“I’m sorry, I should never have freaked out and left you like that, I’m ashamed of myself.”
“Don’t be Gerard, I’m amazed you didn’t freak out sooner.”
“That doesn’t matter; I still left you when I shouldn’t have. I was amazed you were still here when I got back.”
“Actually, I was wondering if I could stay with you for a while, I don’t really want to be on my own in my apartment.” I hesitated slightly. Letting him stay would put me in even more temptation, but I could turn in him away. In the words of Jesus himself ‘Whatever you do unto the least of my brothers, you do unto me.’ I also doubted there was much I could resist him on.
“Of course you can stay. You can stay as long as you need to. The spare room’s all made up so you can just go to bed when you’re ready.”
“Actually, I might just crash now, what with getting the results through and then you…it’s been an intense day.”
“Will you be alright?”
“I think I will.”
“Frank, if you need me at all during the night, just give me a shout or a knock…” I trailed off, not looking at him.
“You’re just hoping I will need you and you’ll catch me in my boxers.” He winked and I blushed as he stood up and followed my mumbled direction to the spare room.
“I just needed the peace and serenity of God’s house, Father Richardson.”
“There is no where better. Would you like to talk about what is troubling you Gerard?”
“Father, is it wrong to be tempted?”
“Not at all Gerard, it is in human nature to be tempted, right back to Adam and Eve.”
“Really?”
“Tell me child, what are you tempted by?” I nearly told him the truth about how attracted I was to Frank, about how it felt to feel his soft lips pressed against mine, his prominent hipbones beneath my hand, his hair knotted between my fingers. But then I realized that I didn’t want anyone to know my shame that I was attracted to a man.
“It’s a woman Father,” I lied hesitantly.
“Let me use a passage from Ephesians to guide you Gerard, after all, the Bible is God’s word. ‘Finally, build up your strength in union with the Lord and by means of his mighty power. Put on all the armour that God gives you, so that you will be able to stand up against the Devil's evil tricks. For we are not fighting against human beings but against the wicked spiritual forces in the heavenly world…So put on God's armour now! Then when the evil day comes, you will be able to resist the enemy's attacks; and after fighting to the end, you will still hold your ground.’”
“What does it mean by God’s armour Father?”
“Truth, righteousness, spreading the Good News, faith, salvation and prayer, son. That is God’s armour.”
“So this…woman…is God’s test of my strength?”
“James 1:13 ‘If people are tempted by such trials, they must not say, ‘This temptation comes from God.’ For God cannot be tempted by evil, and he himself tempts no one. But we are tempted when we are drawn away and trapped by our own evil desires. Then our evil desires conceive and give birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.’”
“I’m not sure I can pass this test Father.”
“You won’t without faith.” I suddenly remembered that I had left Frank, alone and probably venerable after what I had learned. The guilt instantly crushed me.
“I have to go Father, thank you for your guidance.”
“You’re quite welcome Gerard, you can come to me anytime you need me. Stay strong in the face of temptation and remember how much God loves you.”
“God bless Father.”
...
“Frank? Are you awake?” He didn’t look awake, stretched out across the sofa with his eyes shut, one hand on his chest and the other on his stomach, breathing deeply. The only sign that he had moved at all from here I had left him was that my Bible had moved across the coffee table and the bottle of wine, that I had only had half a glass of, was now half empty with o sign of a glass in sight. I felt even more ashamed of the way I’d left him.
“Frankie?” I tried again but when I still received no answer I presumed he was asleep. I retrieved a blanket from the cupboard upstairs and gently laid I over him. He looked even smaller when he was asleep. Then I returned the wine to it’s place in the kitchen and sat down I the armchair across from the sofa, reaching out again for my Bible when Frank suddenly sat up, wrapping the blanket around himself and watching me carefully. I jumped violently at the sudden movement of the man I thought was sleeping and my hand shot back.
“Hey,” he said quietly, looking down.
“I thought you were asleep.”
“I was pretending. I wanted to see what you would do. Thank you for the blanket, that was sweet.”
“Are you drunk?” I felt the need to ask him, since I wasn’t sure how to reply to his comment. He laughed.
“On half a bottle of wine?” No. Did your priest help?”
“How did –”
“I just knew.”
“Yeah, he did help.” We lapsed into silence for a minute, neither of us looking at each other.
“Gerard?” Frank broke it first.
“Cancer.”
“Yes. But, if you’d let me explain before shoving your tongue down my throat –”
“I think you’ll find it was your tongue down my throat.”
“Whatever, you kissed me first. What I was also going to tell you is that it’s probably going to be okay. We found it early and it hasn’t spread and the lump should be easy to remove. The only reason I freaked out a bit is that it’s still a scary thing to learn. I’m sorry I came over, it’s just, with Jon gone, I just needed someone to turn to.”
“I’m sorry, I should never have freaked out and left you like that, I’m ashamed of myself.”
“Don’t be Gerard, I’m amazed you didn’t freak out sooner.”
“That doesn’t matter; I still left you when I shouldn’t have. I was amazed you were still here when I got back.”
“Actually, I was wondering if I could stay with you for a while, I don’t really want to be on my own in my apartment.” I hesitated slightly. Letting him stay would put me in even more temptation, but I could turn in him away. In the words of Jesus himself ‘Whatever you do unto the least of my brothers, you do unto me.’ I also doubted there was much I could resist him on.
“Of course you can stay. You can stay as long as you need to. The spare room’s all made up so you can just go to bed when you’re ready.”
“Actually, I might just crash now, what with getting the results through and then you…it’s been an intense day.”
“Will you be alright?”
“I think I will.”
“Frank, if you need me at all during the night, just give me a shout or a knock…” I trailed off, not looking at him.
“You’re just hoping I will need you and you’ll catch me in my boxers.” He winked and I blushed as he stood up and followed my mumbled direction to the spare room.