On Thin Lines

I hugged my knees and bent my head so that they were in between them and cried till I could feel no more. It's all your fault. That seemed to be the only thought that rang in my ears. But, it was true.

If I just made him see how much I loved him instead of putting my stupid job before this marriage then he wouldn't run into another woman's arms. The thought of him and the Rachel made me cry more.

He has no fault in this because he warned me.

Maybe I didn't see the signs, he wanted to spend time with him but I kept ignoring him and faced my job instead. And of course I end up with the love of my life sleeping with another woman.

Is she more beautiful than I am?

This shouldn't be the first thing to come to my mind at the moment but if she is really pretty then there's a more possibility that this marriage is going to crumble. And soon.

I heard Ryan's car drive in and I quickly wiped my eyes and cleared my throat. I didn't want him to find out. That was the last thing. If he did, he might actually leave me for good. I quickly stood up and brushed off the dust from my pants and adjusted my shirt.

Ryan came in and stared at me, "What are you doing here?" he sounded angry.

My heartbeat quickened, what if he already signed the divorce papers and I didn't know.

Is he asking me why I'm still here instead of packing?

I found it hard to breathe.

"W-what d-do y-you m-mean?" Any blind person could tell that there was something definitely wrong with me.

Ryan tilted his head and came towards me, "Are you crying?" I stared at him and shook my head, "I thought you said you were working today on a Saturday."

I cleared my throat and a rush of relief filled me. "Um, I've decided to take time off. You know, so that I can spend more time with you."

He scoffed, "Ten hours off?"

"Four months or more." I added quickly and he turned to stare at me like I said the most ridiculous thing.

"What suddenly made you change your mind?" I shrugged and he stared at me, "Why are your eyes red?"

Think fast!

"I was cutting some onions." I said as I cleared my throat again.

He nodded again and looked around the kitchen which had no signs of cooking. "Uh-huh. Care to tell me what's wrong with you?"

I smiled, "I'm fine."

He shrugged, "Whatever you say." he said and climbed up the stairs. I felt like crying again. He never stopped asking till I told him what was wrong with me. Now, he just...doesn't care.

I've lost my husband.

Mum was right.

An hour later, "I had showered and climbed into bed with Ryan who was watching something on TV."

I should make love to him.

This was probably one of the most awkward moments of my life because I wasn't an expert in this things.

I'm sure Rachel is.

I slowly sat up and laid my hand on Ryan's chest and watched as it moved up and down as a result form his breathing. I waited for a reaction and got none but I did get a reaction but not for me rather from the TV program he was watching.

You can't tell me he hasn't noticed me.

I closed my eyes and moved my legs so that one was on each side. I opened my eyes and saw the confused expression on his face, "What's going on?"

"Nothing, isn't this normal for a perfectly married couple?"

He raised an eyebrow, "In case you hadn't noticed, we've practically never been intimate with each other so when you do things like this, it gets me wondering."

I shrugged, "I just want to make love to you." I said boldly but that was the direct opposite of what was happening on the inside.

He sat up making me go back to my original position on the bed, "Ok, this is kind of weird since it's coming from nowhere and I'm actually not in the mood to be intimate, so if you don't mind."

I quickly nodded. Anything to make him happy. "I'm sorry." I said as I laid my head on the pillow away from him.

I heard him sigh, "Sorry for what, Diane?"

I didn't respond to his question not because I didn't hear it but because I had already started crying silently. I bet he slept with Rachel today and won't make love to me.

I shouldn't really complain, it's all my fault.

**

I woke up the next morning to an empty bed and my thoughts got the best of me, he left me.

I, once again found it hard to breathe and picked up my phone and dialled Susan's number. On the third ring, she picked, "Hello?"

I spoke shakily, "I think Ryan has left me."

"What?" she sounded surprised. "What do you mean, 'left you'?"

"I woke up this morning and he's not on the bed."

SILENCE.

"Hello?" I asked checking to see if she was still on the line.

"Did you ever think he went for his morning laps as he USUALLY does, Diane?"

My breathing came back to its original state. I sighed, "Oh."

"Diane?"

"Yeah?"

"Is everything alright, do you want to talk?" she sounded worried.

"I don't know what to do anymore, Susie."

"You know what, let's have coffee at Starbucks?"

"Okay."

I think I'm losing it.

**

I walked into Starbucks which was noisy and spotted Susan sitting on one of the chairs with a table in front of it. I walked up to her and sat opposite her and smiled.

"How are you?" she asked. That wasn't a normal 'how are you' that is thrown around these days anyhow.

"I'm okay, I guess." I shrugged.

"Why would you think that Ryan left you of, all the things you could think about in the world, it's this?"

I shook my head, "I was just worried, I guess."

"Is there something you're not telling me?" she asked as she held my hand.

I smiled and shook my head. "I'm okay, like I said, it's just stress."

She nodded and we went on to talk about other things. While she was explaining something to me, an image of Ryan with a random chick popped in my head and she was making 'sex noises' and I just burst into tears in front of a shocked Susan.

She stood up and came to my side, "Oh my goodness, what's going on Diane?"

"Ryan is cheating on me?"

Her eyes widened, "What do you mean by that?"

I explained what happened the previous night and watched her display several emotions, ranging from surprise to pity and when I explained how I wanted to be intimate with Ryan, it turned to that of anger.

"Are you okay?" she asked and I shook my head.

"Please, promise you wouldn't tell anyone."

She gave me a look, "I don't get it, you just want him to continue cheating on you."

I shook my head, "If I show him how much I love him then he can forget about her after all, it's my fault."

"Stop saying that, if you keep blaming yourself, how do you suppose you get past this?" I shrugged, "Do you want to see a therapist?"

I looked up at her, "Like with Ryan?"

She shook her head, "Alone, maybe you can sort this out that way, you know."

I pondered on that for a while and nodded my head, "I guess that would be good."

She nodded and hugged me, "I love you, remember that okay." I nodded and smiled.

**

I got home and saw Ryan on the phone, on seeing me, "Go to work on a Sunday?" he asked.

I looked at him, "I think it's rude to mock me when you're on the phone with someone." I don't know why I let the anger get the best of me at the moment. Just the thought of him making fun of me in front of that slut is demeaning already.

He got off the phone, "I was only joking, what's wrong with you?" he asked as he walked closer to me.

I shook my head, "I'm stressed."

"So, there's a dinner party and we're invited. Are you coming?"

You want me to say no, so you can go with Rachel.

I nodded, "Yes, I'm coming." How do you like me now?

He smiled, ,"Great, because there is no way in hell I was going there alone. You know it's Brad's one year wedding anniversary and he fucking likes to brag an-"

"Do you love me?" I had no idea where that came from.

He stared at me, "What kind of question is that?"

"That's not an answer."

"Of course I love you, what's gotten into you?" he asked as he inched closer to me. "Is it because of last night, because I didn't want to make love to you?"

He didn't even give me a chance to talk. I wanted to say it had nothing to do with last night but I didn't get the chance to.

"Fine, I'll make love to you now. If that's what you want." he said as he unbuttoned his shirt and came closer to me.

My eyes widened, "Ryan, I didn't mean that."

"Then what the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I had no idea why he was yelling or getting defensive.

"I just asked a simple question." I said.

"Ok then, Diane, do you love me?"

I nodded, "I do, very much." And I didn't yell.

He stared at me for a long time and walked away.

What did I do this time?