Long Live

The days passed far too quickly for my liking, and the day everyone was dreading was approaching rapidly; the day Jorg Kaulitz was coming to fetch his son. Tom was counting down the days, not out of excitement, but out of pure dread and fear, and the day had finally come. I was getting ready for my last day with Tom for the foreseeable future.

I couldn’t explain how I felt, it was hard. Because my head was still clouded with thoughts of Bill, I had trouble reaching clarity when it came to Tom, or the absence of him.

Truthfully, after spending every possible minute with him, I wanted a little space, because that is how I was. In a way I was looking forward to the whole “long distance” thing. When I thought about it, most of it seemed good.

I hated being alone, I was afraid that I would never find someone else. I loved having someone that I could call mine and someone who said sweet things to me, and that’s what Tom did. I talked to him for hours at a time and all he did was tell me how much he appreciated me and how he loved being with me, he didn’t just make me smile, he made my cheeks hurt. Long distance meant that I didn’t have all the pressure of showing up alone because I had an excuse; my boyfriend wasn’t in town.

I didn’t have to spend all my time with Tom and I had free time, I didn’t have to give up my friends. And I knew that if Tom went away, then coming back would be so much better. I couldn’t see the bad side of the situation.

I ran a brush through my straightened hair, brushing my bangs to the side because I knew that’s how Tom liked it. He hated it when I out my hair in a ponytail.

I dressed the way I did every day; dark skinny jeans and my favorite pair of black Levi’s; I didn’t want to stand out with the way I dressed. If anything, I was trying to remain as discreet as possible. I stood in my room with Tom’s hoodie in my hand, wondering if I should give it back to him now that he’ moving, but the thought of giving it up was hard for me to handle. I looked at the hoodie once more and shook my head, putting it back into my closet.

I stepped outside of my bedroom, my eyes falling instantly on the on the clock on the kitchen wall. It was only 9:30am, and Tom and I had arranged to meet at Georg’s house at 11. He had learned that he should never make plans with me that involve me getting up before 10.

That morning I was awake at 6, I tried to go to sleep again but I just couldn’t. For the first time in a long time, it didn’t hurt so much to wake up and realize what was going on in my life. All I was thinking was that today was my last day with Tom, and he should get all of my attention today, because I know that I hadn’t been the best girlfriend to him.

I was nervous to see him, I didn’t know why. Tom was the person I was most comfortable with in the world, I could do anything with. I guess I just expected things to be different between us when we started dating, but nothing really changed. All that happened was I was now free to kiss him whenever I wanted, and even though we always talked on the phone for hours, he could now freely say I Love You to me without getting mad because he knew that someone else was saying it to me too.

Knowing I had some time to kill, I looked around my room for the stack of papers that had been strewn around my room two nights before, the night of the party.

When I got home that night, the first thing I did was pull out a pen and paper and wrote down all my feelings. I had learned a long time ago that negative feelings had a habit of ending up as something beautiful, in my case, always a song, a poem, or even a story.

I had written a song about the entire situation. I knew that my friend had said those things behind my back, and it made me wonder how many other times she had done it before, but that wasn’t what bothered me. She had no right to say that I was using him, she didn’t have a clue what kind of relationship Tom and I had. I had started out angry, but in the end, my feelings came out as hurt and disappointed. After I had written the lyrics of the song that night, I threw it on the floor, with no intention of rediscovering it in the near future.

I started digging through a pile that had been strategically placed right between my bed and my desk. It was a small pile that merely existed of textbooks and a few loose papers. I started to go through it.

I didn’t have to look for long because the sheet of paper closest to the top of the pile was the paper that I had been looking for. I smoothed out the paper before opening it up and reading it, realizing that it came out a lot angrier than I had anticipated. I knew that I would never have the guts to confront her about what I had heard her say, not wanting t start a fight because I knew that the odds were better that I was the one who was going to get hurt. I hated fighting.

As I put down the paper, I sighed audibly. I started to sort the pile in front of me into a smaller pile of books and another pile of papers to pass the time, and surprisingly it worked because when I looked again, it was Only 20 minutes before 11, and Georg’s house was roughly 15 minutes away. As if on cue, my mother entered my room, suggesting that we leave soon because she had errands to run after she dropped me off. I took one last look in the mirror, fixing my hair.

I put my earphones in my ear and pressed play on my Nokia, Fighting by Yellowcard blasting loudly through my ears. It was one of the songs that I had stolen off of Tom’s phone a week before; Tom always had great taste in music, that’s why I always took music from him.

I was anxious during the long drive to Georg’s house; it felt like we were driving in slow motion. I thought about my last day with Tom, wondering if it would be like all the rest.

Days with Tom were amazing because he was such an amazing guy. Tom was funny and nice and gentle with me, it wasn’t like Bill wasn’t all those things, but Tom was just . . . Better, even though it didn’t feel like it merely a month ago. But the more time I spent with Tom, the more I believed that giving him a chance wasn’t a mistake. He might just be the best thing that ever happened to me.

When we arrived at Georg’s house, Tom and Georg were outside taking turns on Tom’s skateboard. As we pulled up, Tom got on the skateboard and rode down to where I was getting out of the car, his smile lighting up his face instantly.

He pushed open the green gates and grabbed my hand, waving at my mom before she put the car in reverse.

I heard him sigh and I stopped, turning to look at my boyfriend.

“Last day” He whispered.

My eyes met his for a moment and I could see the true sadness in his brown eyes. I sighed almost as loud as he did as we turned, I felt his arms wrap around me as we started to walk to the house. I found myself thinking about his arms more and more these days, because it was how they felt around me that mattered.

When Bill and I were together, he always said that I belonged in his arms because he loves me and as long as he loves me that will be my place, it was something that stuck in my mind. It felt amazing being in Bill’s arms, from the very first day, and that was the thing I struggled most to let go of. It felt so wrong with Tom in the beginning because I was so used to Bill’s, and I still believed that I belonged in Bill’s arms, but I had to admit, Tom’s arms fit perfectly around me.
The smell of various types of food filled my nostrils as we entered the house; I knew that it was Georg’s mom because she loved to cook big meals. As soon as she heard the door close, she came scurrying towards us and opened her arms to welcome me into a big hug. I loved that woman.

“You’ve gotten so big! And oh, prettier by the day! How are you? How is your mom, sweety? I have to thank her for letting you come, such a sweet woman.” She rambled, kissing my cheek.

I smiled, replying on all her questions before she gave my cheeks one last pinch before returning to the kitchen. Tom and I stood in the living area for a few minutes as we greeted the rest of Georg’s family which consisted of his father, his grandmother and his 9 year old little brother. Georg and I have been friends since we were 8 years old, long before I had even acknowledged Tom, and through the years I have gotten to know and love his family.

After we had greeted everyone, we followed Georg outside to the back yard, to the back room which Georg had recently changed into his second bedroom.

The room was small and rectangular, and the only things in the room were two chairs, a desk and a computer that looked like it had fell to the floor a few times. The walls were decorated with school pictures of Georg from the second to sixth grade, and certificates he had received for his achievements.

Georg took his seat in front of the computer, scrolling down to his music. I rolled my eyes as Jump by Flo Rida started to play. Tom and I exchanged glances and sat down next to each other on the floor, seeing as there was only one chair.

The song changed from Jump to Bad Romance by Lady Gaga and I heard Tom sigh loudly.

After a few minutes, I watched Georg get up, without a word or a glance in our direction, leave the room and close the door behind him. I noticed that it happened every time that Tom and I came to his house; I always assumed that he had gone to the bathroom, but found it odd that he always came back hours later.

“Why is he always leaving like that?” I asked, furrowing my brow.

Tom laughed awkwardly, “He just wants to give us some privacy.”

“Does he want you to rape me, or what?” I asked, half serious, half joking.

Tom moved closer to me, talking my hand, a small smile still playing on his perfect lips. “Nah, he knows I won’t, I’m too shy.”

I giggled, squeezing his hand lightly. I leaned against the white cement wall, watching Tom move from next to me to in front of me. He pulled me closer to him, placing one of his legs on either side of my body. Then he took my legs and pulled them over his so that my legs were in the same position that his was. I threw my arms around his neck and looked at his face, our foreheads now resting on each other.

In the background, the playlist I assumed Tom had constructed a few days earlier, started to play, starting with Yellowcard and moving on to Three Days Grace.

It felt good to be that close to Tom because I knew that I wouldn’t get to do that as much as I got to do it in the last few months of 2009. I rested my head on his shoulder. Another thing that was perfect about us was the way that my head fit into his neck.

Tom and I were making small talk, discussing the things that happened in the year that was almost over. So much had happened with the two of us, because it was the year when he really started to like me, and it was the first time that I had ever gotten serious about him.
He watched me with Bill, I remembered that he left the room every time that Bill and I kissed, and all that I could do was apologize because there was no way that I was going to leave Bill, or compromise my time with him. Tom was there when he saw Bill with Monique, and all though Tom tried to tell me, he knew that I wouldn’t believe him. The only reason I left Bill was that I started hearing it from other people too, Bill wasn’t shy about it.

I didn’t like talking about Bill, because I was still wondering about him. I wondered how he was doing and if he thought of me, I really wanted to talk to him.

I could feel Tom’s eyes on me, so I moved back a bit to meet his eyes, my arms still remaining around his neck. I looked at him for a full two minutes at least without saying anything. I might not have realized it at the time, but those were the moments that would haunt me when he was gone.

“Do you know how much I am going to miss you? It’s just not fair.” He mumbled.

“What do you mean?” I asked him, looking away from his intense gaze.

“We wasted so much time,” He lingered, “I wanted you for so long and now that I finally have you, I’m leaving and there’s nothing I can do.”

I felt a knot form in my stomach as he spoke; I knew that it was going to be very hard on him. I breathed in his scent that I loved so much, coming to the realization that I might miss him much more than I ever thought I would. It was amazing how much he was starting to mean to me after only a month, he was so much more than just the rebound guy now.

“When I leave, this is going to be my theme song.” He stated, referring to the song that had started to play. I looked at the screen after realizing that I had never heard it before, it was Perfect World by Simple plan.

I felt bad for him, he had told me so many times that he was moving away through the years, but now it was becoming a reality in just a few short hours, but no one knew that it really felt like. Tom was going to be the “new kid”, he was moving to a new city, starting a new school. Everything was completely different and he didn’t know anyone except for his father, his aunt Molly and her boyfriend, Sean.

I was worried about him starting over, but I knew Tom and I knew that he was going to be okay. He was friendly and funny and there wasn’t a lot he was afraid of.

“This place isn’t going to be the same without you.”

He chuckled quietly, shaking his head. “I don’t know, Georg and Gustav are still here to keep you company. I’m not that special.”

I snorted, starting to laugh, “You, Tom Kaulitz, are totally and completely irreplaceable and Berlin is a lucky city because you will be living in it. And this town will be empty until you return.”

His lips met mine for a split second as he pecked my lips.

“I am so lucky.”

I shook my head, moving even closer to Tom so that there was almost no space between the two of us. 21 Guns started to play, one of Tom’s favorite songs. Tom and I looked at each other, our smiles both beaming. He tilted my head and I tilted mine in the opposite direction, and we locked lips just as the song climaxed, it was the perfect moment and I knew that I was always going to associate that song with the moment Tom and I shared at that very moment.

His arms tightened around my waist, pulling me into a hug as we kissed. I wished we could stay like that forever, but I had gained enough life experience to know that nothing stays the same.

Suddenly the door opened loudly, slamming against the wall. Tom and I jumped apart, my heart beating fast because the loud noise had frightened me. We looked at Georg who was staring down at us, he was breathing deeply as if he had been running. He sighed, looking behind him at his house.

“Tom we have to go, your dad is here.”