Status: Completed; finally.
Shooting Love in Real Time.
Thirteen.
It was Thanksgiving, and I was in Jack’s kitchen, helping out with the food. Most of the guys were here for a little while, though the majority were going to visit their families soon. It was good to see them again, I’d barely even spoken to them since Alex and I had split but I slipped straight back into the group as if nothing had ever changed. Alex was at his parent's, though I was told he would be back not long after dinner. I was prepared for that. I was going to help out with dinner and slowly edge out home while everyone else was distracted. It was nigh on fool proof.
“Wait, wait, wait, so you’re telling me that you let Jack, of all people, take charge of arranging everyone’s hotel rooms?” I laughed over a glass of wine. The guys were filling me in on their most recent trip to New York, doing promotional interviews and performing on TV. They’d come back last week, and I hadn’t heard the stories yet.
“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up now. But you try showing up in New York on a Friday night in the middle of November with nowhere to go. Marissa has been telling us he’s responsible now!” Rian laughed. My laughter continued, as they explained the mix up and how it was all resolved. No one flinched at mentioning Alex’s name and I barely even registered it. It was feeling a lot like old times and the last few months were out of my mind for the first time in what felt like forever. I was finally starting to feel like me again.
The timer beeped on the oven, signalling that it was time to check on the turkey and potatoes we were still waiting on. I put my wine down, turning from everyone with a smile still on my face and opening the oven door, pulling out the items I needed and adjusting the temperature for the remaining. The laughter continued behind me and I smiled to myself. It felt good to be getting back to who I used to be. I heard the front door opening behind me. My smiled dropped and my stomach fell to my knees. He was back early. I put the smile back on my face as I shut the oven door and turned around. Yep, there was Alex. I guess our families were a little much for him. I aimed a smile in his direction, which he returned, before the pair of us turned back to our friends.
So far so awkward.
“Hey, let me grab that,” Alex offered from behind me. The guys had moved to the living room and I was struggling to get the turkey from the oven. I thought Alex had gone with them, but clearly I was wrong.
“Thanks,” I said, handing him the oven gloves and smiling at him. Almost everything else was ready to be served and we were just finishing off the remaining bits and pieces. Jack and Marissa had long since stopped helping, though I was surprised at how long the cooking had kept their interest. “How are you doing?” I asked, sitting on the little free space we had on the counter, what was left of my wine in hand.
“I’m okay, I guess,” he shrugged, not looking at me. “I heard you’re changing major.”
“Yeah, I’m trying to find something I still love,” I laughed. It didn’t want to say that I was trying to get back to the old me, it felt a lot like saying it to him would make him think I was trying to get him back. I wasn’t, I just missed who I used to be.
“I get that.” He was fumbling with the carving knife now, knowing Jack was far too drunk to do it himself. Then again, we ran the risk of Jack hurting himself when he was sober. “I’m glad you’re writing again. I never used to see you without something in front of you; book or laptop. Everything you did always used to make me smile to read it. You were so good at it. I just wished you’d never stopped.” It felt like Alex and I were starting to get back onto some sure footing, finding a place where we could be friends without things being awkward.
The pair of us continued to chit chat, laughing at each other’s jokes and finding out what was happening in the other’s lives. The turkey was carved and Alex went to help me down from the counter. My drink was long since gone, and I was starting to feel a little wobbly on my feet. He laughed as I stumbled into him when my feet hit the kitchen floor, holding me tight so I wouldn’t fall again. I looked up at him, his hands still planted firmly on my shoulders, and I couldn’t help but smile. It still felt familiar. Right, even. My hands moved up and pushed his hair out of his eyes. His face moved closer.
And just like that, I was overcome with the memory of the last few weeks. Of what had happened not even a month ago. I pulled back, using the counter as my support.
His hands dropped to his sides and he turned away from me, picking up the turkey and walking out into the dining room. I heard him shouting the guys that the food was ready. Most of the dishes were already on the table and had been put out as soon as they were ready. I stood alone in the kitchen as the guys started to file into the dining room, torn as to whether to stay or go. It was a rather blunt reminder that Alex and I didn’t know how to be friends.
I had closed the door softly behind me when I stole out of the house, though I didn’t offer the same courtesy to my own front door when I burst through. I didn’t even make it to the sofa before I fell down and cried on the floor. I had finally felt normal, like everything was going to be okay. Why did he have to remind me that it wasn’t? That nothing could ever be okay between us again?
“What the fuck, Holly?” I heard from the doorway. I didn’t answer, I only cried harder. Why did he have to come over here and make things worse again? “They’re already asking where you’ve gone. Just come back over and have dinner.” I shook my head and pulled my knees up close to me. I felt like an idiot, but it was the only thing giving me comfort right then. I heard him sigh loudly and he started to come closer to me.
“Alex, just leave. Please. I can’t do this right now,” I forced out. He stopped still, halfway between me and the door. He didn’t leave, he just stood there, waiting for me to calm down a little. I knew he wasn’t likely to leave while I was still acting like this.
“Do you know, there are still some days where I think that this could work?” he finally said, after a couple of minutes of agonising silence, interspersed with sobs from me. “I still think you and I could finally get it right. I’ve been giving you space because, most days, they tell me about you, and I finally see the girl I love starting to shine back through. Then there are days like today. When I try and I try to make things okay, but you just end up making me wanna tear my fucking hair out. In the end, though, I still fucking love you, and I’m still going to keep trying to make you remember that you love me too. I don’t care if I go bald from all the days like today, I’m always going to be one phone call away and I’ll be by your side in a heartbeat if you ever need me to be. Just cut the bullshit, Holly, and let me come home.”
“I know,” I wailed. “I know what you mean, but it’s not true anymore Alex! We always think we’re so perfect for each other when everything is wrong, but it’s not true! We work in our heads, we work in our hearts, but you were right. ‘We never stood a chance out there, shooting love in real time.’ You said that. And you’re right. Out in the real world, we get swept away from each other and it just does. Not. Work.” He looked taken aback. He didn’t know I’d heard that, clearly. I guess there are some things Marissa doesn’t share with him and Jack. “I still don’t think you’ve forgiven me, for everything I’ve done to you over the years, and I know, deep down, that I haven’t forgiven you either. We can’t go on like that. We need to find ourselves again, and that’s just not going to happen when we’re together. It doesn’t matter how much I still love you, there’s too much in the way.”
“I forgave you a long time ago, Jase,” he said, coming over to me and sitting down next to me. “It’s you that hasn’t forgiven yourself. I don’t even blame you for this. Everything you’ve done, you’ve done for a reason and I know that. Everything you think I’m holding against you, you’re holding against yourself. That’s why we’re not going to work, I understand that now. Take your time, Jasey Rae, and I’ll still be waiting for you when you’ve found yourself again.” He put his arm around my shoulders, kissed the top of my head and stood up to leave. “I’ll just tell the guys you’re not feeling well. Marissa will bring you some leftovers tomorrow.”
And, with that, he left.
“Wait, wait, wait, so you’re telling me that you let Jack, of all people, take charge of arranging everyone’s hotel rooms?” I laughed over a glass of wine. The guys were filling me in on their most recent trip to New York, doing promotional interviews and performing on TV. They’d come back last week, and I hadn’t heard the stories yet.
“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up now. But you try showing up in New York on a Friday night in the middle of November with nowhere to go. Marissa has been telling us he’s responsible now!” Rian laughed. My laughter continued, as they explained the mix up and how it was all resolved. No one flinched at mentioning Alex’s name and I barely even registered it. It was feeling a lot like old times and the last few months were out of my mind for the first time in what felt like forever. I was finally starting to feel like me again.
The timer beeped on the oven, signalling that it was time to check on the turkey and potatoes we were still waiting on. I put my wine down, turning from everyone with a smile still on my face and opening the oven door, pulling out the items I needed and adjusting the temperature for the remaining. The laughter continued behind me and I smiled to myself. It felt good to be getting back to who I used to be. I heard the front door opening behind me. My smiled dropped and my stomach fell to my knees. He was back early. I put the smile back on my face as I shut the oven door and turned around. Yep, there was Alex. I guess our families were a little much for him. I aimed a smile in his direction, which he returned, before the pair of us turned back to our friends.
So far so awkward.
“Hey, let me grab that,” Alex offered from behind me. The guys had moved to the living room and I was struggling to get the turkey from the oven. I thought Alex had gone with them, but clearly I was wrong.
“Thanks,” I said, handing him the oven gloves and smiling at him. Almost everything else was ready to be served and we were just finishing off the remaining bits and pieces. Jack and Marissa had long since stopped helping, though I was surprised at how long the cooking had kept their interest. “How are you doing?” I asked, sitting on the little free space we had on the counter, what was left of my wine in hand.
“I’m okay, I guess,” he shrugged, not looking at me. “I heard you’re changing major.”
“Yeah, I’m trying to find something I still love,” I laughed. It didn’t want to say that I was trying to get back to the old me, it felt a lot like saying it to him would make him think I was trying to get him back. I wasn’t, I just missed who I used to be.
“I get that.” He was fumbling with the carving knife now, knowing Jack was far too drunk to do it himself. Then again, we ran the risk of Jack hurting himself when he was sober. “I’m glad you’re writing again. I never used to see you without something in front of you; book or laptop. Everything you did always used to make me smile to read it. You were so good at it. I just wished you’d never stopped.” It felt like Alex and I were starting to get back onto some sure footing, finding a place where we could be friends without things being awkward.
The pair of us continued to chit chat, laughing at each other’s jokes and finding out what was happening in the other’s lives. The turkey was carved and Alex went to help me down from the counter. My drink was long since gone, and I was starting to feel a little wobbly on my feet. He laughed as I stumbled into him when my feet hit the kitchen floor, holding me tight so I wouldn’t fall again. I looked up at him, his hands still planted firmly on my shoulders, and I couldn’t help but smile. It still felt familiar. Right, even. My hands moved up and pushed his hair out of his eyes. His face moved closer.
And just like that, I was overcome with the memory of the last few weeks. Of what had happened not even a month ago. I pulled back, using the counter as my support.
His hands dropped to his sides and he turned away from me, picking up the turkey and walking out into the dining room. I heard him shouting the guys that the food was ready. Most of the dishes were already on the table and had been put out as soon as they were ready. I stood alone in the kitchen as the guys started to file into the dining room, torn as to whether to stay or go. It was a rather blunt reminder that Alex and I didn’t know how to be friends.
I had closed the door softly behind me when I stole out of the house, though I didn’t offer the same courtesy to my own front door when I burst through. I didn’t even make it to the sofa before I fell down and cried on the floor. I had finally felt normal, like everything was going to be okay. Why did he have to remind me that it wasn’t? That nothing could ever be okay between us again?
“What the fuck, Holly?” I heard from the doorway. I didn’t answer, I only cried harder. Why did he have to come over here and make things worse again? “They’re already asking where you’ve gone. Just come back over and have dinner.” I shook my head and pulled my knees up close to me. I felt like an idiot, but it was the only thing giving me comfort right then. I heard him sigh loudly and he started to come closer to me.
“Alex, just leave. Please. I can’t do this right now,” I forced out. He stopped still, halfway between me and the door. He didn’t leave, he just stood there, waiting for me to calm down a little. I knew he wasn’t likely to leave while I was still acting like this.
“Do you know, there are still some days where I think that this could work?” he finally said, after a couple of minutes of agonising silence, interspersed with sobs from me. “I still think you and I could finally get it right. I’ve been giving you space because, most days, they tell me about you, and I finally see the girl I love starting to shine back through. Then there are days like today. When I try and I try to make things okay, but you just end up making me wanna tear my fucking hair out. In the end, though, I still fucking love you, and I’m still going to keep trying to make you remember that you love me too. I don’t care if I go bald from all the days like today, I’m always going to be one phone call away and I’ll be by your side in a heartbeat if you ever need me to be. Just cut the bullshit, Holly, and let me come home.”
“I know,” I wailed. “I know what you mean, but it’s not true anymore Alex! We always think we’re so perfect for each other when everything is wrong, but it’s not true! We work in our heads, we work in our hearts, but you were right. ‘We never stood a chance out there, shooting love in real time.’ You said that. And you’re right. Out in the real world, we get swept away from each other and it just does. Not. Work.” He looked taken aback. He didn’t know I’d heard that, clearly. I guess there are some things Marissa doesn’t share with him and Jack. “I still don’t think you’ve forgiven me, for everything I’ve done to you over the years, and I know, deep down, that I haven’t forgiven you either. We can’t go on like that. We need to find ourselves again, and that’s just not going to happen when we’re together. It doesn’t matter how much I still love you, there’s too much in the way.”
“I forgave you a long time ago, Jase,” he said, coming over to me and sitting down next to me. “It’s you that hasn’t forgiven yourself. I don’t even blame you for this. Everything you’ve done, you’ve done for a reason and I know that. Everything you think I’m holding against you, you’re holding against yourself. That’s why we’re not going to work, I understand that now. Take your time, Jasey Rae, and I’ll still be waiting for you when you’ve found yourself again.” He put his arm around my shoulders, kissed the top of my head and stood up to leave. “I’ll just tell the guys you’re not feeling well. Marissa will bring you some leftovers tomorrow.”
And, with that, he left.