Shooting Love in Real Time.

“I think I’ll leave you guys to it,” Jack said, standing up. “I think you’ve got quite a lot to catch up on.” Jack turned and walked up the stairs, leaving Alex and I alone. Alex sat down on the other end of the sofa, looking at me, as if waiting for me to say something first. I had plenty to say, but I didn’t want to be the first to speak. I wanted to see what he had to say first.
“So, my phone has been going crazy all day,” he finally said. “Like, not my normal crazy, more like the ‘something big has happened’ kind of crazy.” He paused for a second, as if waiting for me to react. I had an idea why his phone had been going crazy, but I was waiting to see if it was something else before I told him everything I’d heard and done over the last few days. “Any idea what this is about?” He turned his phone to me, showing me a picture of the flyer James had been handing out about the two of us. I laughed, looking at the caption ‘what the hell is this all about, please?! What aren’t you telling us @alexalltimelow?!”
“Oh, I’ve got so much to tell you,” I replied. “Well, first of all, I assume you’ve heard about the argument I had with James last week?”
“Sort of. I heard you shouting at him to get out, but that’s it.” I cocked my head to the side. “I’d come out for some air because the guys were way too far gone, and you just opened the door and started shouting.” I cringed. So he more than just ‘sort of’ knew. He’d heard enough to know what we were arguing about, at least to some extent.
“Well, apparently, me not falling head over heels for him means I utterly humiliated him and we haven’t spoken since. The last thing he said was that I was going to regret what I’d done?” It was half a question, still not sure what I’d done to regret except have an opinion and emotions of my own. “I don’t know. Anyway, so I was leaving the library today and I get to the parking lot and he’s just stood there like some sort of creep handing out flyers to anyone who walks by. Sly dig from him, blah blah blah, he shows me that picture and then one of Marissa and Jack.” Alex sucked in his breath abruptly. Yeah, he knew how big of a deal that would be to me. I mean, it's been four years since we first got together, believe me, he gets it. “So, I flipped. I obviously told him he had no right to spread crap about Marissa because of me, and just decided to shout to everyone around that you and I were a thing and that, yes, I was that Jasey Rae.”
“And?”
“And nothing,” I said, confused. “I upped and left. It’s just a shame I didn’t punch him on my way past.”
“I meant, what are you going to do about it?”
“Nothing. That’s it. I’m kind of glad he printed that about us. I feel like so much weight has been lifted, like I’m finally free. I should never have hidden it, it made me realise that I really didn’t give a damn what anyone else had to say about me or you. The only opinions that mattered in our relationship are ours. I mean, it felt like High School a bit, me causing drama in the middle of a crowd and people talking about me and you, but then I felt like I did in High School too: I didn’t care.”
“I’m glad you’re finally starting to see things my way,” Alex smiled. “And I suppose that does explain why I’ve been getting videos links too.” I laughed, telling him to show me. Apparently, someone had filmed my little outburst and it was now on Twitter. I found it really amusing that most of the time it had been linked to him, I’d been a hashtag.
’Bitches be crazy.. #jaseyrae’
I retweeted one of the links, putting my own little spin on the scenario and handed Alex’s phone back to him. He burst out laughing.
“Let’s see how they take that,” I told him. He tucked his phone back into his pocket and looked at me, a smile on his face. “Since we’re admitting things today, I’ve got something that may wipe that smile off your face.”
“Try me: it’s going to take a lot.”
“I saw Jodie Stephenson the other day.” He smile fell almost instantly. The embargo on her name was as much his doing as it had been mine, and I was almost positive that he’d not heard her name mentioned to him in years.
“Well, there goes my good mood,” he tried to joke.
“It gets worse,” I said, before launching into everything she had told Marissa and I about that night. I watched his face fall a little more with every word, and when I’d finished, he just stared at his hands in silence. “Alex, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did when you told me. You said yourself you didn’t know what you’d done. I should have had more trust in you. I can’t believe what I did. I am so, so sorry.” I moved closer to him and grabbed his hand, trying to get his attention and comfort him at the same time.
“Holly, I didn’t even doubt what I said to you,” he told me, looking up. “You had every right to react the way you did. I wouldn’t have done much different if it had been the other way around.”
“You wouldn’t have flipped your shit and moved to Arizona,” I mumbled. He laughed at me, taking advantage of my hand on his and pulling me closer to him for a hug.
“No, but I probably would have flipped my shit and hurt someone over it.” I backed out of the embrace, feeling like the final weight had been lifted off my shoulders. As if I had the space to finally spread my wings and be me. All my secrets were finally out in the open. Alex smiled at me softly.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“You’re not smiling over nothing, Alex.”
“No, I’m smiling over you.”
“What about me?”
“I think you’re finally you again. Everything you’ve told me today, the way you’ve reacted… you’ve become that strong, confident eighteen-year-old again, the girl who just doesn’t give a damn. There aren’t any worries hidden behind your eyes that you think I don’t know about it. You just don’t seem scared anymore.”
“I think you’re right. I feel like something has shifted in me the last couple of weeks, and there’s nothing dragging me down now. Well, almost nothing.” Alex raised his eyebrows at me, prompting me to continue. I sighed and took a breath. “I miss you.”
“I miss you too,” he replied, hesitantly. “You know that.”
“I mean, I see you come in here each night, and I just want you to come home, put your feet up and let me tell you about everything. I want you to just stroll on in and take my worries away, give me advice that solves all my problems. You always knew exactly what to say.” And, yet, I never know what to say, or when is the best time to say it. I still wasn’t ready to be with him again, because he was right, I was still trying to forgive myself for what I’d done to him. We weren’t taboo anymore, everyone knew about us and I’m sure they’d figure out the stories for themselves at some point. The only thing I had really ever held against him was null and void, and he’d made me realise I wasn’t to blame for anything that had happened that week. The only thing I had left to work through was this crippling feeling that I’d been letting him down constantly ever since.
“Then let me come home,” Alex said, reaching for my hand. “I think it’s been long enough. Every doubt I had disappeared weeks ago, I’m just waiting for you to say you’re ready again.” I sighed, Alex keeping his grip on my hand. I didn’t want to pull away.
“I’m not ready yet, Alex. How do I know that I don’t only feel this way because we’re not together? What if I go right back to that girl I was a month ago, insecure and screaming at you every five minutes? I’m still not even sure we should get back together.”
“Jasey, I’ve been so patient, waiting for you to work through your shit. I’ve given you space, plenty of it. I even let you stay in our house. I thought you’d finally found yourself again and that you’d stop being so dramatic all the time. Clearly, I was wrong,” he snapped, pulling his hand away. My hand twitched, as if to grab his back, but I kept it close.
“I’m not being dramatic. You’ve respected my feelings this far Alex, what’s a little longer?”
“Because you can’t make your mind up on how long ‘a little bit’ is going to be! You’ve got me holding on here for something you’ve just said you’re not even sure should happen! Like, what the fuck, Jasey? Stop fucking around with my emotions.”
“I’m not!”
“Then tell me, once and for all, do you want me or not?!”
“I don’t know!”