Shooting Love in Real Time.

“So, tell me what’s going on.”
The boys had been gone all of five minutes. Marissa had made two cups of tea and we’d moved into the living room.
“I don’t know,” I sighed. It was true and she’d heard it a thousand times. “I was just… watching them, so happy, remembering how we used to feel; how we used to act. I love him beyond words, and I don’t know what’s happening to me. I’m not who I used to be.”
I cradled my cup in my hands, biting my lip and trying to find the words to describe what I was feeling.
“Neither is Alex. You’ve both grown so much and neither of you have been in this situation before. This is the first time you’ve been away from each other for so long. It’s normal to struggle with it.”
“Then why do I never hear stories of you and Jack arguing while he’s away? I know I missed a lot while I was gone, but the two of you arguing never even seems to come into the picture.”
Marissa frowned. I think she knew I was right and was trying to find a way to prove me wrong. She was failing.
“Let’s face it; it’s always been like this. If it wasn’t one thing with us, it was another. Our entire relationship in high school revolved around keeping secrets, lying to save face and hurting each other in the process. We’ve never voiced our feelings to each other in a way that anyone could mistake for healthy. I created the drama and he played right along with me.”
The look of concern on Marissa’s face only deepened. I was finally letting out the voice in my head that had been nagging at me for nearly six months now. I was insecure, I was scared, and I didn’t know how to cope in real life. He was the only boy I’d had any real sort of a relationship with since I was sixteen. No one else had ever made me feel the way he did. I’d tried to date in Arizona, I’d met a few really nice guys even, but the memory of Alex always took over and I always ran.
And then we’d found each other again. I’d felt the nerves in the pit of my stomach when I’d heard his voice, and looking back now, I wasn’t sure if it was love or fear I’d felt rising to the surface. Had I put myself in this situation to win this time? Had I made him fall in love with me again to tear him down, slowly and completely, to know the pain he’d made me feel?
It was these thoughts that had intruded in my mind for the last few weeks. I was so surely destroying him from the inside that it felt like the only logical reasoning behind any of it. I mean, what kind of person walks straight back into the arms of a man who’d so badly wronged her for any other logical reason?
Then again, I was always told love wasn’t logical.
“We need time,” I finally let out after thirty seconds of painful, concerned silence. I could see Marissa knew at least some of the doubts in my mind, but I couldn’t bring myself to let any more of it out. I was afraid that if I actually said any of it out loud, it’d make it true. “He’s back for a few weeks now before they have anything big to go away for. We need to put ourselves back together and remember how it feels to be together.”
My phone buzzed on the coffee table, stopping Marissa short before she could reply.
Hey, are you coming tonight, love? Xx
“James wants to know what we’re doing about the show,” I told Marissa. She’d been just as sceptical as I about letting slip who her other half was within the walls of our college and she had already voiced the same concerns about seeing James tonight as I had. There was a 75% chance he’d find out tonight who our boyfriends were, and another 50% chance he’d turn out to be just another overbearing fan boy as the other people we’d confided in over the years.
“Well, if we sit behind the stage, he won’t know we’re there. But it’s not the same atmosphere, especially when it’s a hometown gig. I always like to be in the centre of it all,” she replied. “Do you think we can trust him?” I paused for a minute before replying. I didn’t know if we could, there were plenty of people out there who would quite happily use the connection, but I’ve never had a bad vibe from him. He seemed genuine.
“I think so. I’ve never felt that had to be careful about what I say around him, you know? I think if we could trust anyone it would be him.”
“Then so be it.”
Hiya! Yeah, Marissa and I will be there about half six. We’re getting ready now x
I put the phone back on the coffee table, took one final gulp of my tea and stood up.
“I guess we’d better go get ready!”