Shooting Love in Real Time.

I dropped my guitar and walked off the stage and straight into the crowd of people waiting back stage. I felt a bitter knot in the bottom of my stomach, picturing her tonight. Maybe that was why she’d been arguing so much lately? Maybe she had a guilty conscience? I didn’t know.
Without a word, I walked through the crowd and out into the night air. I knew I had maybe three minutes before the place was either swarmed with fans or she appeared, so I used it to my advantage. The car wasn’t far away, so I took off to and went straight home.
It had taken a lot out of me, holding back and acting like nothing was wrong. It had been taking a lot out of me for months. I bit my tongue constantly, begging with her to calm down, ignoring the way she picked at everything I ever did, while she swanned about acting like a saint, playing the martyr. I never mentioned to her the way she hid me from everyone she knew, how she acted like I was nothing and kept me separate from the rest of her life. The way she acted with him tonight, dancing with him while I spilled my guts for her over and over again. His arm around hers when she cried. It took all I had not to jump down and comfort her myself, to push him away.
But I held the peace. I didn’t intrude. I stood on the side lines while she pretended I didn’t exist. Did he even know she had a boyfriend? I didn’t know. She’d never told me and I’d never been allowed to speak to him to ask.
“Why did you run off?” She asked, strolling through the door and flicking the lights on as if nothing were wrong. I was sat on the sofa, and she came over, trying to cuddle into me. I flinched as she did. “Alex? What is it?”
I laughed. It was rich, acting like there was nothing wrong. It seemed kind of ironic that for once it was me who was upset. I hadn’t allowed myself the luxury in months. But now I saw how she acted when I wasn’t around, how she pretended we didn’t exist while I did everything for her.
“I’m just getting sick of your bullshit attitude.”
“I’m sorry, my what?” She asked, jumping back off the sofa.
“You heard me,” I shrugged. “You’ve acted like I’ve been in the wrong for months. I come back, I do everything I can to make you smile, and you act like I barely even exist.”
“Where the hell is this coming from?!”
“You know exactly where this is coming from,” I snapped. “You act like you’re so perfect, swanning about picking fights with me over everything you don’t like, but you’re still living life as if you’re alone in Arizona. You hide me from everyone you meet, as if I’m still a sordid secret in your past.”
“Alex, what the fuck? I’ve never hidden you from anyone. Everyone knows about you. You know I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting, why are you saying this?” She attempted to reach for me again, but I pulled away. I wasn’t ready for her to bring this to an end. I needed this. I needed her to know what she was doing to me all this time.
“So, James, who I’ve quite conveniently never been introduced to at all, he knows everything does he?” She shifted, looking uncomfortable. Clearly I had my answer. “And you expect me to be okay. He was all over you tonight and you did nothing to stop it. I’ve been biting my tongue with you for too long, Jasey, and I’ve finally found the guts to say it out loud.”
“And there was me thinking I was the one who had problems,” she snarled. She moved further away from me, stopping the attempts to get closer to me. “All this time, I thought I was the one who had issues, that I was making things up and there was nothing wrong with us, just with me. So, thanks for that, Alex, at least I know it’s a problem with us and not me.”
“There you fucking go again. Being all high and mighty. The problem is still with you, you’re still the one picking and choosing the arguments and belittling every single thing I do. All I want is to work through what’s wrong and get us back to where we used to be, and you can’t see the fucking value in it.”
“So, all the issues are with me?! You’ve found yourself a fine way of sorting through this, attacking me with accusations that have absolutely no founding whatsoever.”
“Well, I guess I learned from the best, then.”
It was starting to get out of hand, but I felt better for saying it. It was as if just saying what I felt made it all better and no longer a problem. I was aware that I was making things worse to make me feel better, but I couldn’t bring myself to stop. I knew we needed to get everything into the open if we ever had a chance of making this work.
“Oh, you have got to be kidding me. Don’t start being petty. You act like you’re Mr Innocent in all of this, but you’re not. You’re still holding on to everything I’ve done in the past four years and you’re still making me pay for it.”
I don’t know how long this went on for, our voices steadily rising with everything the other person said. Each remark falling from our lips with a little bit more malice than the last. I knew that her feelings were being hurt just as much as mine were, but neither of us could bring ourselves to stop. I’d been feeling this ever since the arguments had first started, and I finally dared to let it all out.
At 2am, we finally stopped. We sat on the sofa in silence, both of us waiting for the other to make the first move. I wanted this to end, but I didn’t want us to end, and I knew whoever spoke first could make or break us. I didn’t know if I could face that kind of responsibility. Jasey sighed and ran her hands through her hair. This was it.
“Don’t you think this has gotten a little out of control, Alex? It feels like we’re constantly working so hard just to keep the peace and I don’t know if I can do it anymore.” My chest started to tighten. I guess she’d taken the responsibility on to herself and I knew which way she was going to take it. “It’s like we can’t find that balance we had as kids, like we’ve lost who we were. Half the time this hurts so bad I don’t even know if it’s worth it anymore, I keep thinking about that cute little seventeen-year-old boy who didn’t spend more than five minutes away from my side if he could help it. I keep thinking about the girl I used to be, the girl who ran away and hid at the first sign of trouble, but would do anything just to see you smile. Don’t you miss them, Alex? I know they had their own problems, but I miss them so bad. They’re not even us anymore. I can’t imagine being that girl anymore; I don’t remember what it felt like to be her. I feel like an outsider, looking in on their relationship and trying to get inside. But I can’t get back to the inside, I’m stuck out here like an outsider and I don’t know what to do.
“Some days I feel like all I want is to come home to that boy you used to be, and that you want to come back to the girl I used to be. But we’re not those people anymore, Alex; in fact we’re the exact opposite. I can’t be the girl you want me to be anymore and I don’t know how to cope with that.”
“What are you trying to say, Jasey?”
“I don’t know. All I know is I can’t go on like this anymore. Maybe this is it. Maybe this is the end.”