Innocence

Today’s the day, It’s my due date, but I’m not in the hospital pushing Benjamin out of my body. Instead, I’m walking through babies r us looking for final things.
Sara is waiting anxiously for me in the car, since I don't have one. I shove my bag from the store in the backseat, and she starts the car. She looks excited, but nervous. Why should she be? My labor hasn’t even begun yet.

“Hey,” Sara says.

“Hi,” I say shortly.

"Can we go to the bed bath and beyond, I need to get some soap, for the hospital."

“Maci, you’re due, today we are going home now!” she says in her motherly voice. “How is the baby?”

“It’s fine!” I grumble.

“Should I call Matt?” she asks.

“No! Just drive!”

“Well, worth a shot. Maybe he could help you be happier,” she says.

“Not happening. If we have sex today, then I’ll go into labor for sure,” I tell her.

“And the problem with that is?” she asks.

“I don’t feel like having sex and I don’t want to go into labor today!” I shout.

“Why not?”

“Matt hasn’t been getting any sleep lately. He’s wicked nervous about this whole thing. If I call him and tell him to come home, and he comes home and I’m lying naked in bed, he won’t want to perform. He’ll sit there worrying about everything,” I tell her.

“Makes sense,” Sara remarks. “So, I'm going to walmart for some movies, for after the labor, sound good?”

“Let’s go!" She says smiling

“Sure,” I say “My treat.”

She drives us down to the Wal-mart on 5th Avenue. We park real close just in case I go into labor. We get a cart and go get the essential junk food. Then we head into the back to the electronics section.

“Buy whatever you want,” she tells me.

I look at the DVDs. I pick out a few romantic comedies as well as a few comedies. I guess it could be a while before I go into labor, so I’m probably going to be spending a few days in front of the TV. We head to the front and check out before going back to the car and driving back to Matt’s apartment.

Thank god Matt gave me a key to this place, or else I’d be in the hall waiting for hours for him to come home. I let us in and grab a few blankets from our bedroom and drag them on the couch.

“I can never get over this place,” Sara says.

“Why? Because Matt's a minor rockstar, and minor rockstars shouldn't have a fancy apartment on the beach?” I ask.

“Yeah, pretty much,” Sara agrees. “It’s bigger than mine. I wonder how he got this.”

“I don’t know,” I tell her. I put the movie in and sit back on the couch.

“Hey!” Sara tells me sternly.

“What?” I ask.

“Legs up!” she reminds me as she grabs the footrest and puts it under my feet.

I sigh and we go back to pigging out on junk food and watching the movie, Just go with it. I always made a motion to go see this movie in the theater, but being a pregnant teen with a hectic life, that didn’t happen. I’ve literally spent almost every waking minute preparing for Benjamin or at the studio with Matthew. That’s been my life for the past nine months and now that Benjamin is due to arrive at any moment, I’m scared out of my mind. What if I screw up? What if something happens to me during labor? What if something happens to him? I can’t wrap my mind around it, it’s too stressful to think about.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” Matt asks as he walks in the door three hours later. My thoughts stop.

“We're waiting for the baby!” Sara tells him.

“Oh, the baby?” he asks.

“I forgot that today’s the 27th, I’m sorry. I should have stayed here.” he tells me.

“Don’t be sorry, you need to get the album out.” I tell him.

“Don’t worry babe.” Matt tells me as he sits down next to me and kisses my forehead. I cringe. “Oh fuck! A contraction? Dr. Yung said you’d get like this!”

“Maci, are you in pain? Maybe we should get you to the hospital,” Sara rambles.

“No, Matt, go take a shower. You stink of beer and weed!” I say. Matt laughs.

“Anything for you, baby,” he says. “But you’re not?”

“I’m not in labor!” I say loud and clear. Benjamin kicks me hard in the ribs and I cringe. I feel a small cramp building in my lower abdomen. I put my hand down on the spot. Benjmain adjusts himself and settles once again.

“Fine, fine, I’ll go shower. But promise me you’ll scream if you start?” he says.

“I will.” Matt walks into the bathroom and slams the door shut. Minutes later, the shower is on and I can hear his beautiful voice singing.

“Is he always this obnoxious?” Sara asks.

“He loves to sing in the shower,” I tell her. We both laugh.

Another three hours pass and Sara’s still comfortable on the couch next to me. Matt’s sitting next to me on the other side with his arm wrapped around my shoulder. We’re on the fifth romantic comedy by now. I forgot the name of it when I put it in. After watching movie after movie, all of the titles just blend together. I think it’s one called 27 dresses or something.

“It’s getting late,” Sara says.

“Yeah, it is,” Matt tells her.

“Matt!” I say.

“What? It’s half past ten!” he complains. “I’m tired!”

“I’ll leave then,” Sara says.

“All right,” I say, getting up.

“No!” Sara and Matt tell me.

“What?” I ask.

“Don’t fucking move!” Matt tells me.

“You need to rest!” Sara says. I feel another cramp, I’ve been getting one every hour. “Do I have to call Jimmy to make him keep you resting?”

“No, I’ll take care of her,” Matt says.

“Maci, I love you, but you need to take care of that baby inside of you and yourself!” Sara scolds me. “So, I’m going to leave, but if anything happens, if you end up going to the hospital tonight, I want to know!”

“You’ll be the first to know,” I tell her. “I promise.” Sara reaches over and hugs me tight. I return the tight embrace.

“I love you, you know that,” she says.

“I do, I love you too.” She lets go and walks towards the door. Matt follows her.

“Watch her,” she tells him. He nods and Sara walks out the door, slamming it behind her.

“All right, let’s move you into bed,” he tells me. I start to get up, but he runs and scoops me up in his arms before I can stand. “You’re not walking, period.”

“Fine,” I say.

He carries me into our room and puts me down on the bed. He props the pillows up under my head and gets the blankets from the other room. He drapes each one over me and then gets into bed beside me.

“Good night,” he says, kissing my cheek.

“Oh no!” I say. “You’re not done yet,” I tell him, rolling on top of him. I straddle him and begin moving my hips up and down on his belly.

“Maci, I don’t think this is a good idea,” he starts.

I lean over and kiss him on the lips before I kiss his neck. My pregnant belly bumps into his stomach. He puts his hands on my waist. I let my hands grab onto his belt and undo his pants, pulling them off. I stop kissing him and take off my shirt.

“Maci, listen to me,” he tries again.

“Shut up!”

I pull down his boxers and get out of my pajama pants. He finally gives in and rolls me over, pressing himself into me. I gasp in pleasure. His hands grope by breasts as he thrusts himself in and out of me. I dig my nails into his shoulder blades. I kiss his neck as he keeps the pace up. I feel a cramp building up in my lower abdomen. Benjamin kicks sharply a few times. I scream.

“Oh! Oh! Oh god!” Matt shouts in pleasure. I groan as my eyes widen.

The cramps get tighter and sharper. I look at the clock. It’s eleven fifteen. Matt kisses me passionately. I reach my climax and push him off gently. The cramps continue, then they finally subside. I roll over onto my left side and cringe. I pull my knees to my chest and cross my legs.

“I’m not finished,” Matt tells me.

“I am,” I say weakly. I put my head in my hands and begin to cry. I feel his arms wrap around my belly. I hold them there with my free hand.

“What’s wrong?” he asks. I breathe for a few minutes. Then a tighter cramp hits me. I scream out in pain. “Oh my god!”

"Matt,” I tell him when it’s over.

“I know, it’s happening isn’t it?” he asks.

“I’m afraid so.”
“Maci?” Matt asks me in a panic as I breath through another contraction. “What should we do?”

“Grab the bag in the nursery and call,” I tell him through the pain.

“Okay, but call who?” he asks.

“Dr. Yung!” I shout.

“What about you?” he asks.

“Matt, just get me the phone, please!” I tell him.

I feel him get out of bed and put the phone in my hand. I dial as I close my eyes while I sit through another contraction. They’re coming quick now. I cross my legs and squeeze them together. I can’t have Benjamin at home. It’s too dangerous. But it feels like I just might not make it.

“Hello?” Dr. Yung answers in a groggy voice.

“Dr. Yung?” I say quickly. “It’s Maci.”

“Maci! Oh my god! Are you in labor?” she asks with a touch of panic.

“I think so, it just started. We were having sex and it just happened,” I tell her.

“How far apart are the contractions?” she asks.

“Oh god, I haven’t been timing them! They’re close together though! They were far apart before!” I tell her.

“It’s all right, just get to the hospital! I’ll meet you there,” she tells me.

“All right,” I say, hanging up the phone. I dial Sara’s number.

“Hello?” she answers.

“Sara, get Johnny up now, it’s happening,” I tell her.

“Oh my god! Just when I leave?” she asks.

“I know,” I say, sighing.

“Do you want us to meet you there or at the apartment?” Sara asks.

“Just go to the hospital,” I instruct her. “Oh and call the guys. Ouch!” I say as another hits me. I feel Benjamin moving around. “God!”

“Just breath,” Sara instructs me.

“I can’t breath!” I sob hysterically. “Oh god this hurts so much! It’s like it’s ripping its way out of my body! It hurts!” Matt helps sit me up and throws a bunch of clothes at me. I dress myself slowly as the contraction passes.

“But you have to breath!” she tells me.

“Sara, just get him and go to the hospital, and call the guys! We’ll meet you there,” I tell her again.

“All right,” she says, hanging up.

I look at Matt. He looks so pale and so frightened. He doesn’t know what to do or how to help. I burst out into sobs. He wraps his arms around me before I even attempt to stand.

“Did you know before we had sex that you were going into labor?” he asks.

“I don’t know,” I say into his chest. He kisses my cheek and rubs my back before helping me up. We walk together down to his truck slowly. He helps me into the truck and then runs to the driver’s seat and starts the car and heads towards Huntington Beach General.

When we arrive at the hospital, we check in and ride the elevator up to the 5th floor. We have to check in again at the nurse’s station before we’re put in a big white room with a hospital bed and a big couch and a few lounge chairs.

“Sorry, this is the only room we have open tonight,” the nurse tells us. I look around in shock. This room is huge. I don’t know how I’m ever going to afford any of this. “All right. So the first steps are this. Take this gown and go into the bathroom and change out of your clothes and put this on. Then we’ll check you, okay?”

“Sounds good,” I tell her nervously. I take it and head into the bathroom and do as she tells me. When I get out, Matt’s sitting in a chair by the bed and the nurse is talking to Dr. Yung.

“Maci! You look lovely! You ready to have a baby?” Dr. Yung asks. I blush.

“I suppose,” I say anxiously.

“Oh you’ll do fine!” Dr. Yung tells me. “Your friends are in the hall, so when we’re done checking you, we’ll let them in if that’s all right?”

“Sounds like a plan,” I say, sitting in bed carefully. Matt takes my hand in his and looks around anxiously. I try to smile, but Benjamin kicks me hard.

Dr. Yung sits at the foot of the bed and waits for me to get adjusted. Once my legs are spread apart, she gently checks with her fingers to see how far dilated I am.

“Looks like a centimeter,” she tells me. “You’ve got a long way to go. We’ll monitor the dilation process until you’re 10 centimeters and ready to push. You’re also about 60% effaced, so looking good,” she says.

“Thanks,” I say, resting my head back in the pillows.

“Are you planning on having an epidural?” the nurse asks.

“No,” I say.

“All right, you might change your mind then. This could take a while,” she tells me. I nod and close my eyes.

“Do you want your friends in the room?” Dr. Yung asks.

“I don’t care,” I say, breathing through another contraction. The nurse is hooking me up the machine with the strap across my belly, monitoring the contractions.

“Maci?” I hear Johnny's voice. I open my eyes and I see them standing near the bottom of my bed. The nurse quickly covers me with the blankets.

“Yeah?” I say.

“What is it?” he asks.

“Johnny, you’ll find out soon enough, she’s in pain,” Sara tells him.

“Oh my god! You look horrible!” Brian says in shock. Jimmy smacks him upside the head, "What was that for?" "She's having a baby!"

“I think that’s why they call it labor,” Zacky points out. I groan. Dr. Yunglooks at me sympathetically. I look away.

“I want to sleep,” I say.

“All right,” Dr. Yung says. “I think they need some alone time right now,” she tells everyone.

“But I’m her brother! I want to see this happen!” Johnny exclaims.

“Johnny, you need to respect her wishes. She’s got a long way to go and she needs to rest,” Dr. Yung tells him while walking the group out of the room. I sigh. The nurse looks at me sympathetically. I can tell I’m going to get tired of their looks quickly. I don’t need sympathy.

“Do you want the lights turned out?” she asks.

“Yes please,” I say.

“I’ll get your boyfriend a pillow and some blankets,” she tells me as she turns out the lights.

“Thank you,” Matt says.

Soon enough, we’re in a dark room with the exception of the fetal monitors’ lights and soft beeps. Matt hasn’t let go of my hand. He’s just holding it in his and rubbing the back of it with his thumb.

“So this is it, huh? We’re going to be parents tomorrow,” he says.

“Yeah,” I say softly.

“Are you tired?” he asks.

“Yeah." I say.

I wake up to a bright room. It’s sunny out. I look to my right and see Dylan snoring away. Dr. Yung is sitting at the foot of my bed.

“Can I check?” she asks. I nod and separate my legs so she can check. “Hmm.”

“What?” I ask. Matt stops snoring next to me and wakes up.

“This can’t be right. Do you feel anything?” she asks. “Any contractions?”

“No, I haven’t had one since last night,” I tell her.

“What does this mean?” Matt asks in a panic.

“You’re barely 2 centimeters. What you experienced was false labor,” she tells us both.

“So what does this mean?” I ask.

“What do you mean by false?” Matt asks.

“It means that we have to options. One, wait for the contractions to pick up again or two, induce labor,” she says.

“Can we wait to see what happens?” I ask. “Then induce?”

“Sounds all right to me,” she tells me. “I’ll give it six hours, if you don’t progress by then, we’ll induce. If we wait any longer to induce after today, you’ll have to have a c-section, I don’t want to risk anything, which is why I want an ultrasound, just to make sure that the baby isn’t stressed.”

“All right,” I tell her. She nods.

“I’ll get the ultrasound machine, then,” she tells us.

“False?” Matt repeats.

“Yeah, meaning the contractions stopped and I’ve stopped dilating momentarily,” I explain to him. I sigh.

“Just relax, this will happen. It has to,” Matt says. “You can’t be pregnant forever.”

“I know,” I say, rubbing my belly. “I know.”

It’s been four and a half hours since the labor stopped. Matt and I have hardly gotten any sleep. We’re exhausted. It’s five in the morning. Who could sleep during this? I lay in the darkened room in the bed hooked up to a million and one different machines. I can’t understand any of them; what they’re doing, what’s their purpose… I don’t understand any of it. All I know is that they have to do something with me and Benjamin.

I lie sleeplessly tired in my bed, holding my boyfriend’s hand, waiting for a contraction. I try to close my eyes and sleep, but I can’t. Benjamin won’t stop moving around. He keeps readjusting himself, almost as if he can sense my anxiety. He simply won’t stop moving long enough for me to fall asleep.

The door cracks open and Johnny walks in.

“Can I come in?” he asks quietly. I nod my head yes and rest my head against the pillow. I squeeze Matt’s hand, telling him someone’s here.

“Hi,” I say.

“Hey, any news?” he asks.

“It was false labor,” I say.

“False?” he asks.

“Yeah,” I whisper hoarsely the way you do when you haven’t gotten any sleep in hours.

“Are you tired?” he asks.

“I’m exhausted!” I cry. “I can’t sleep! I’m so worried that something is wrong or something will go wrong!”

“Hey,” Matt says quietly before putting a hand over my forehead. “They said the baby was fine after the ultrasound, just a little stressed,” he reassures me.

“Just a little? Just a little could mean a bunch of things!” I cry.

“Shh! You need to relax and try to get some sleep, all of this worrying isn’t helping you or the baby,” Matt says, putting his free hand on my bump. Benjamin kicks sharply three times in a row, causing me to flinch and groan.

“Anything I can do to help?” Johnny asks. “Maybe Sara and I could sit in here for a while?”

“Is the guys still out there?” I ask.

“They went home.”

Benjamin kicks me again. I sigh. My stomach starts to feel tight. “Oo!” I sigh and suddenly it’s hard to breathe. It feels like someone’s hitting me in the stomach with a big hammer. A machine starts beeping like crazy. “Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!”

“Maci!” Johnny says. “What’s wrong?” Matt looks at me helplessly.

“A contraction?” he asks.

“Ow!” I scream. “Fuck!”

“Something going on in here?” a nurse asks, running over the machine that’s beeping like mad.

“I don’t know, it just started to kill!” I say.

“The pain?” she asks.

“Yeah,” I say.

“Could it be a contraction?” Matt asks.

“The baby’s heart rate spiked up, it’s back to normal. I think you just need to relax. But we’ll check you anyways,” she says. Dr. Yung walks in.

“Excuse us, Johnny,” she says, closing the curtain. “What happened?” she asks.

“The baby was moving a lot and then the machine went crazy after a lot of tightness, “I say.
“It hurts!”

“Looks like you’re 80% effaced and now 3 centimeters dilated,” she tells me. “You’re back in labor. What you just felt was a real contraction. They’ll be coming one after another shortly. We’ll put you on oxygen, but you just need to try to relax. Your baby is going into distress, you need to try to find a way to relax your body so your body can handle the stress of child birth. I know you’re tired, but you’ve got a long way to go, you need to find a way to get some sleep. This isn’t over yet.”

“Maybe we can prop her up in some pillows?” the nurse suggests. “For your back? I know when I was in labor, the bed wasn’t the most comfortable thing in the world.”

“Johnny” I ask.

“Yeah,” he answers.

“Can you drive to Matt’s apartment and get our pillows?” I ask.

“I can go,” Matt offers.

“No, I want you to stay,” I say.

“Okay,” Johnny, says. “Matt, I need a key.” Matt throws him his keys through the closed curtain while the nurse fixes my blankets.

“Try to get some sleep, we’ll keep the door shut until he gets back,” Dr. Yung tells me.

“No, can you bring in Sara?” I ask.

“Sure,” Dr. Mason agrees.

“Good, maybe I can go get some coffee,” Matt says.

“Sounds like a plan,” I agree.

“Oh and Maci?” Dr. Yung asks. “No eating, only ice chips.”

“All right,” I agree. I rest my head back in the pillows and close my eyes. When I open them, the room is dark again and Sara is sitting by my side.

“What time is it?” I ask.

“A little past seven in the morning,” she says. “You’ve been asleep for two hours. They want you to keep sleeping, but they’re going to check you in five minutes.”

“Okay,” I say. I feel like I’m floating on a cloud. “The pillows?”

“They put them underneath you,” she tells me.

“Matt?” I ask.

“Right here,” Matt says, holding my hand. “God this is going to take a while.”

“Just try to relax,” Sara tells him.

I can’t focus on anything else. I feel my eyes close and my body relax. I drift into a deep sleep. I wake up when I feel a gush of fluid coming out of my body. I look down and see that I’ve wet the bed with a bloody urinated mess.

“Oh shit!” I cry. I look around and no one is in the room. I see the clock, it reads two in the afternoon. I find the call button and press it like crazy. The same nurse as before runs in. She looks at my bed with bulging eyes.

“Where is everybody?” she asks me.

“I don’t know! I don’t know!” I cry. A contraction hits me hard. I cringe.

“All right, let’s get you cleaned up,” she says. She helps me adjust my body so she can change the sheets on the bed without moving me. She finally looks at me and sighs. It’s two thirty and no one is around besides me and this nurse. “We need a new bed,” she says. I nod.

She walks out of the room and comes back in ten minutes later and wheels the new bed beside the old, dirtied one. She puts the rails down on both beds and helps me into the new one. I look at the old and see a huge bloodied water mix and I cry.

“Oh no sweetie! Don’t cry!” the nurse says, consoling me. She rubs my back with her palm and a contraction hits. I reach for her hand and squeeze it tight. “Just breath! Breath! You have to breath! I know this is hard! Your water just broke, so you’re probably around 5 centimeters! You’ll have a baby soon! Think about that!”

I do, but the tears continue to flow. Where the hell is everybody and why did they all abandon me at once? I feel another contraction and then another. They’re getting really close now. The pain is frightening. My heart feels like it’s beating out of my chest. It feels like it could just rip a hole through my body and still beat by the time it gets out, beating as it runs away down the halls, away from this nightmare.

It’s almost three. The nurse called the janitorial department, who came and got the old bed. She hasn’t left my side since my water broke. None of my friends or family has come back into the room since. I’m scared out of my mind. Dr. Yung comes in and sees her nurse sitting there helping me through my labor.

“Where are all of your friends?” she asks.

“I don’t know.”

“Her water broke around two, we had to change beds,” the nurse tells her. Dr. Yung nods and gloves up again. The nurse holds my hand while Dr. Yung checks me.

“You’re at 6 and 100% effaced, we’ll have a baby soon! Now if we could just find everybody!” Dr. Yung says.

The nurse stays with me until four when Johnny, Sara, Matt, and the rest of the guys walk back in. They all reek of cigarette smoke. I look at them with disappointment in my eyes. I feel annoyed.

“Where the hell have you three been?” the nurse asks.

“Out smoking, why?” Matt asks.

“Her water broke two hours ago and you were all out smoking since twelve?” the nurse asks. Dr. Yung comes back in the room. She cringes at the stench.

“We went to lunch too, we got you something Maci,” Johnny says. I roll my eyes.

“How stupid do you three have to be to leave a woman alone in labor? Her water broke and no one was here to help her!” Dr. Yung roars. “You know, the three of you need to leave now! The baby will be here shortly and I can’t afford to let that baby smell cigarette smoke! You three disappoint me! You’re all so supportive through the pregnancy but when the nine months is over, you all just freak at the sight of her in pain and leave to go get lunch and chain smoke? Do you think that’s the appropriate way to handle this situation? To up and leave Maci in her time of need? Not to mention the baby’s?”

“I’m sorry,” Matt says. “But I’m the father, I should be here for my kid’s birth!”

“No,” Dr. Yung says. “Look at your girlfriend! She’s exhausted! She’s in pain and within a few hours, she’ll be even more exhausted after she’s done pushing your child out of her body! Do you think ditching her while she’s in labor is the right thing to do?”

“No, but still.”

“But still nothing!” I shout. “Matt, you fucked up! I thought you all were going to be helping me through this! But I have to do it all alone!”

“No, you don’t. We’re here now!” Johnny says.

“Where were you two hours ago when my water broke and I woke up to an empty room? Where were you when the contractions started to get closer and closer together? Where the hell where you when I had to be moved out of one bed and into another? Where the hell do you think you’ll be when…”

Dr. Yung looks at me. She looks at the machines and she sees what’s happening. She gloves up and throws the blankets away from my lower body. She checks and nods.

“She’s at ten!” Dr. Yung says.

“Oh god! I have to push!” I cry. “I need to push! I need to push!”

“Get them out of here!” Dr. Yung tells the nurse.

“Where the hell is everybody?” the nurse asks.

“I don’t know,” Dr. Yung says. “Look, Matt. You need to either step up to the plate right now or step out in the hall.”

“I’ll stay!” he says.

“Where the hell is everybody?” the nurse cries. Dr. Yung runs to the doorway.

“We’re having a baby here! Where the hell are my nurses?” she shouts.

“Maci, I’m so sorry!” Matt tries to tell me. I look at him in disgust.

“Go to hell!” I shout. “I’m having a baby here! Our baby! And the first thing you can think of is yourself?"

“I was at your side for twelve fucking hours! I needed a smoke!”

“I need to push!” I shout at Dr. Yung. She looks at me in a panic. “This isn’t how I wanted to bring our son into the world, Matt! Man up or get the hell out!”

“Maci…”

“Matt! Stand at her head! Nurses hold her legs back and out! We’re having a baby here! There is no time for apologies! This baby needs to come out!” Dr. Yung tells everyone.

Everyone gets to their positions. Two nurses pull my legs back and out. I feel Benjamin right in my pelvis.

“Okay, I want you to take a deep breath, bring your head to your chest and hold it for a count of ten while pushing hard, just like you have to go to the bathroom!” Dr. Yung tells me. She’s gloved up and waiting at the bottom of the bed. “Let’s try it!”

I do as she tells me and I begin to push. I feel Benjamin moving further down my body on his way out. The nurses count to ten and I sigh and let the air out, sucking in another breath and repeating the process. I push with all of my might. I feel Benjamin moving out. It’s like he’s slipping out of my body. I look down and see the top of my son’s head.

“Good job! He’s almost here! The head is almost out! Matt, look!” Dr. Yung says. Matt moves so he can see.

“Oh my god!” he cries. I see tears in his eyes.

“I need to…”

“Push!” Dr. Yung shouts firmly.

I suck in air and bring my head down and push. I feel him moving further and further out of my body. I look down and see his whole head looking at me. I cry. He’s beautiful, so far.

“Push again! Keep pushing!” Dr. Yung screams supportively.

I push with all of my might. I look and see his shoulders and chest. I keep pushing again. I hear his first cries and I immediately feel joy. I keep pushing. Benjiman’s almost here. I keep pushing until there’s nothing.

“It’s a boy!” Dr. Yung says. I cry. I lie back into the pillows. I feel a slimy body on my stomach. I look down and I see my son. A beautiful baby boy with a mass of dark hair and big eyes just like his daddy looking up at me. I hold him until the nurse takes him away for a moment.

I’m overwhelmed with emotion. I hear Benjamin crying. I look for Matt, I see him at the end of the bed, cutting his son’s umbilical cord with a huge smile spread across his face. I feel a huge smile spread across mine. I can’t believe it’s over. My son is finally here.

“What’s his name?” a nurse asks. “For the birth certificate, what’s his name?”

“Benjamin, Peter Caldwell-Sanders” Matt and I say in unison.

“Beautiful name,” the nurse comments.

“Benjamin, Peter Caldwell-Sanders l born at 6:53 AM on weighing 6 pounds 4 ounces,” Dr. Yung says. “Welcome to the world Benjamin!”

I look across the room and see my son being attended to by the nurses, who are scrubbing the fluids off of him. I see my boyfriend looking after our son. I catch his eye and being to cry. Matt crosses the room and sits near me. He leans over and plants a huge kiss on my lips.

“I’m so so proud of you!” he cries. I look at him through the tears building up in my eyes. He wipes them away for me. “I’m sorry I was a jerk,” he says.

“It’s okay. That doesn’t matter now. All that matters to me is our family. We’re a family now, Matt. We have a son!” I cry. Matt holds my head into his shoulder.

“I know, baby. I know. I won’t fuck up anything for him. He’s so perfect!” Matt cries.

“He is. He’s our perfect little angel!”

“Do you want to hold your son?” the nurse asks me with a huge smile across her face. I nod.

Matt moves so the nurse can put Benjamin into my arms. Benjamin looks beautiful in his hospital blanket. His face is red and his body is tiny. I look down at him, he’s looking up at us, his parents. My heart melts a million times over. This is my son, my Benjamin. The baby I’ve carried around in my stomach for nine and a half months is now here in my arms. I never want to let him or this moment go. The moment where my son was brought into this chaotic world, but my love for him blossomed.

I look up at Matt, who’s eyes are full of tears. He looks so happy, so content. He looks like I’ve never seen him before. There is love in his eyes. I look at him and I look at our son. I know that Matt will do nothing to harm his son. I feel secure with my little family surrounding me. But most importantly, I love my little family more than anything in the world, and that’s all that matters.