Innocence

Everyone in my dad's house left for lunch, leaving me to think, and Matt to sleep.

“Hey,” Matt moans as he wakes up next to me. “What time is it?” he asks.

“Like, two in the afternoon,” I tell him.

“Hmm…” he says, closing his eyes again.

“You still tired?” I ask him.

“Yup. What’s the matter?"

“Morning sickness,” I say. “It’s nothing.”

“We spent the night together again,” he says.

“Yeah, but we didn’t end up naked, so that’s a plus,” I say. He smiles.

“Yup,” he agrees. “What do you want to do today?” he asks.

“My dad's at lunch, and I'm expected home by 8pm.” I reply.

“It’s March 12th,” he says looking at his Iphone. My eyes grow wide. It’s my birthday today and I completely forgot. “What? Something going on that I don’t know about?” he asks.

“Happy Birthday, Maci!” Johnny hollers out as he walks into the house with my dad and his new wife.

“It’s your birthday?” Matt asks. “Happy Birthday Mac!” I smile.

“Thanks,” I say. “Johnny” I shout out.

“What?” he asks.

“Today's march twelve?” he nods,

“Then it’s your birthday!” Matt says happily. “Come on, get dressed, let’s go out to IHOP and celebrate!”

“Yeah! I was craving pancakes!” Matt steps in. I laugh.

“All right, let’s go,” I say. “Johnny, you’ve just got to do one thing first.”

“What?” he asks.

“Wake your girlfriend up!” I tell him.

“Oh no!” he starts to protest. “Not her!” Matt and I both laugh.

“Go on, dude, she’s your girlfriend, after all,” Matt says smirking, Johnny's girlfriend Sara is taller than Johnny and she's not afraid to sock him in the stomach if he wakes her up.

“Fine, fine,” Johnny says. He walks towards the bedroom and opens the door. He walks to the bed and sits down on it. “Hey, baby, hey! It’s Maci’s birthday, we’re going to IHOP for breakfast. Come on, wake up!” he says, nudging her shoulder. Matt and I don’t move from the couch, yet Sara’s room is right off the room where the couch is, so we can see everything Johnny’s doing to get her up.

“Mm, I’ll be up, give me an hour,” she says.

“Yeah, but we’re taking her to a club tonight,” Johnny tells her. “Remember?”

“Yeah, I’m up,” she says, rolling over to go back to bed.

“Nah! Nah! I’m not playing this game!” Johnny says, standing up and walking around her bed. He grabs Sara’s wrist and pulls her onto her feet.

“JOHNNY YOU BASTARD!” Sara shouts.

“Here we go,” Matt mutters in my ear. I hold back a laugh.

“Come on, Honey. Now means now, not two or three hours from now!” Johnny tells Sara.

“Fine, let me just shower,” Sara says, grabbing her towel and heading off into the bathroom.

“Hey, Maci, you left your phone in the bathroom,” she says.

“Oh shit,” I say. I get up and walk into the bathroom. Sara’s holding out my phone. She shuts the door behind me.

“Did they call?” she asks.

“Yeah,” I say hoarsely.

“And?” she asks.

“I’m pregnant,” I whisper with sadness in my voice. My tears well up in my eyes and suddenly, there are tears streaming down my face.

“It’s okay,” she says. She wraps her arms around me, enveloping me in a crushing hug. “Are you going to tell your brother?” she asks.

“I don’t know,” I say. “He's going to freak and you know how Johnny gets when he’s angry,” I say. I hear that the TV is on loud and I know that there is no possible way for them to hear us talking.

“I know, he goes into a fit of rage… he’ll probably beat up Matt,” Anna thinks aloud.

“No way, Matt is so much taller.” I say.

“Well, you’ve got to tell someone besides Matt, what about your mom?” Anna asks.

“No, my mom and I aren’t on very good terms.” I say.

“Well, I don’t know what to say, Maci, you’ve got to do something,” she says.

“I know, I’m going to call the doctor tomorrow to set up an appointment, that’s what she wants,” I say.

“Well, what do you want?” she asks me.

“I don’t know,” I say.

“Do you want to be with Matt?” she asks.

“I don’t know,” I say again.

“Well, I’m taking a shower, try to compose yourself, then go back out there,” she tells me.

“Okay,” I whisper. Sara gets in the shower and throws her clothes onto the floor after she’s undressed. She turns the water on. I stand in front of the mirror and wash my face and redo my make up. Once I’m done, I walk out of the bathroom and close the door behind me.

“Hey,” Matt says, holding out his hand. I take it and sit down next to him. “Happy Birthday!” he says, pecking my cheek.

“Hey! That’s my sister!” Johnny says, standing up and sitting down on my other side. He wraps his arms around my neck and pulls me into his lap. He runs his hands down my sides and stops just above my hips and tickles me until I scream out in laughter.

“Okay! Stop it! Stop it!” I yell. I look up at him with my beat red face and he laughs.

“You’re so ticklish!” he says with a laugh. He gives me one last tickle and it makes me squirm. I fall back off the couch and both Matt and Johnny sit there laughing at me.

“No fair!” I say, kicking my brother in the shins. “Hmph!”

“All right, I’m ready!” Sara cheers out.

“Dude, let’s go then!” Johnny says.

An hour later, Matt, Johnny, Zacky, Brian, and Jimmy, along with their girlfriends and Sara and I are all stuffed into a small booth in the corner of the local IHOP, which is near the beach which is really cool. We all have drinks in front of us. They all have coffee, while I have my orange juice. I was going to order coffee, but then Sara shot me a look, so I decided not to. I find it rather odd that she knows so much about pregnancy, so much more than me.

“So, what’s in store for the birthday girl today?” Matt asks me.

“No clue. I completely forgot that it was my birthday,” I say.

“How do you forget?” Johnny asks with a laugh. “You always go nuts for your birthday.”

“I don’t know. I’ve been kind of busy,” I say, hoping to avoid this conversation.

“Ah,” Sara says. “You have.”

“Mm. So, I was thinking of taking you out to the local club tonight,” Johnny says.

“Dude, you’re going to get your sister trashed for her birthday?” Matt asks.

“Well, it wouldn’t be any different from her birthday last year,” Johnny says.

I remember instantly what he’s talking about. Last year on my birthday, Johnny and I had an ugly conversation with our father early that morning. We were both trying to convince him to do something with us for my birthday. But he kept saying that he was too busy with work and other shit. So finally, we both got so fed up with him that we hung up the phone. I got so upset later on in the day too because when Johnny and I came home, we found our mother trashed on the couch with her then boyfriend. Johnny and I immediately packed our bags and ran off to the band's apartment for the night. Jimmy had a shit load of vodka and jell-o, so we over did it with jell-o shots all night long.

“Yup,” I agree. “But I wouldn’t want to go down that road again,” I say, remembering the hangover.

“Oh come on! It’s your birthday!” Jimmy says. “Let’s get drunk and celebrate!” Brian says, punching my shoulder lightly.

I see a young mother and her daughter out of the corner of my eye. She’s looking at me with envy. I see her put a bottle in her daughter’s mouth while she holds her to her chest, supporting her. I can’t help but think that that’s going to be me in just nine months with my own child. I’ll probably be feeling the same envy when I hear a group of teenagers talking about getting wasted to celebrate one of their friend’s birthdays. I’ll think back to the good ol’ times when I used to get drunk to celebrate special occasions.

“Yoohoo! Maci!” Zacky says, waving his hand in front of my eyes. “Are you in for tonight?” he asks.

“Sure,” I say, unaware of his question.

Our waitress comes with our food within minutes. Soon, we’re all stuffing our faces with the delicious food of IHOP. My pancakes are delicious, I pour more of the sticky maple syrup over them and allow the syrup to flow into the stack of sausages. Everything tastes so good. We talk a little more throughout the breakfast. It’s decided that we will head to Los Angeles after dark, giving everyone enough time to go back to his or her own place and change.

Two hours later, I’m back in my room at my mom’s house getting ready. I have a pair of black true religion jeans on and a low white blouse from Forever 21. I’ve curled my hair and left the side bangs alone. I’m fixing my make up in the mirror when my mom comes in.

“Hey,” she says, sitting on my bed. I turn around and look at her.

“What’s up?” I ask.

“Nothing,” she says with an emotionless tone. I turn back around and go back to my make up. “Do you want to tell me just what you were doing at the Health Department” she asks. My heart drops. How does she know?

“What?” I ask. “Why?”

“Well, I got a call from a Dr. Yung this morning asking for billing information. I asked why and she told me everything,” she tells me.

“You know?” I ask, turning around.

“I know your pregnant, Maci!”

“What?” I ask.

“You should have told me! I would have helped you take care of this!” she says. “Do you really want to throw your life away?”

“Mom!” I say. “This isn’t the end of the road!”

“Then what is it then Maci! Huh? You’re just going to live here, go to school, have the baby and be done with your life! That’s all that’s left for you! Just take care of it while you still can! And while your little 'boyfriend' is still in town!”

“Mom, no! I cannot, by any means do that! And Matt is 100% by my side” I say.

“Then, I won’t allow you to live here! If you want to raise a child, raise it under your own roof, not mine!!” She says walking away.

“Mom,” I say.

“No! It’s final! I want you out! Pack your shit and leave!”

“That’s all you want, for me to kill my own child! So this will all go away! You have hardly been apart of my life! You have no right to tell me what I need to do to make this all go away! You’re sick! You’re a sick mother! You have no right to be a mother if you can’t care! You just poke your head into my life whenever you think I’ve fucked up! You did the same with Johnny! Maybe if you spent less time fucking your own goddamn piece of shit boyfriends, you’d actually get the chance to know your own children!”

This feels good, so good. All of this rage that’s bursting off of my chest is an incredible feeling. I should have told my mother all of this a long time ago.

“Get the fuck out, you whore!” My mother screams at me. She slaps me across the face and walks out of the room. I watch her walk into her room and slam the door shut.

After a few minutes, I walk to my closet and grab the only two duffel bags my mom owns. I open them both on my bed and grab whatever I can get my hands on and throw it in the bags until my room is empty of my belongings. I grab my car keys from the bureau and run downstairs with my duffel bags in hand. I spot my mom’s purse sitting on the couch. There’s a wad of cash sticking out. I take it and count it, totaling just over a thousand dollars. I walk out of the house and head down to my car. I throw the bags in the back and take one last look at my beautiful house before I get in the driver’s seat of my mini cooper. I sigh and get in the car and drive away, out of my past and into my new future, with motherhood on the horizon.

It’s now ten o’clock at night. I’m sitting in front of a sheet cake with twenty sparkling candles. Nineteen candles for the past and one for the future. I think to myself, maybe we should have had twenty candles on the cake, two for the future, as I am expecting my first child. I’m trying to push the life changing news aside and enjoy myself for my nineteenth birthday, which only comes once. However, it’s been rather difficult as I can’t drink and smoke. Johnny, Sara, Matt, Zacky, Brian, and Jimmy have all been chain-smoking and drinking since we’ve arrived at the local club. It’s a good thing I drove us all here, because I’m definitely the designated driver. But, Johnny has pressured me more than twice to drink and smoke. Each time, I decline, making a lame excuse that I’m coming down with a cold.

“Happy Birthday to You! Happy Birthday to You! Happy Birthday dear Maci Caldwell, Happy Birthday to you!” everyone in the club sings.

I lean forward in my chair and blow out all twenty candles. Everyone applauds. Johnny stands behind me and gives my shoulders a gentle squeeze. Sara and Matt stand on either side of me, all of our other friends stand behind me. A photographer stands on the other side of the table and takes a picture.

“Happy Birthday!” Johnny says, kissing my head and squeezing my shoulders once more. He puts a thin envelope in front of me. I take it and open it. It’s a forty-dollar gift card to the mall. I smile and thank him.

“Maci!” I hear Benji shout over the noise of the club. He’s pulling his Twin Joel behind him. He’s carrying a large green bag in her hand. “Happy Birthday!” he says, when he finally gets to my side.

“Thank you!” I say, hugging him tight.

“Here!” he says, gesturing towards the present. “Open it!” he clasps his hands together and holds them tight. he backs up into his girlfriend's arms and waits anxiously for me to open the present.

I pull out the white and green tissue paper, revealing a small silver pair of earrings and a gift card to the local coffee shop. I smile. It’s too bad I can’t drink coffee anymore.

“Thanks!” I say, standing up and hugging him tight. “And you must be Nicole?” I question the girl who’s holding onto his hips with her fingertips.

“Yup, nice to meet you!” Nicole says, shaking my hand. “Happy Birthday!”

“Thank you!” I say. I feel Matt’s hand on the small of my back. I jump a little and turn to face him. He’s just standing behind me smiling.

“And who might this be?” Benji questions curiously as he eyes Matt.

“Matt,” I say.

“Oh, the guy from our party.” he says. “Ah. And is he your boyfriend?”

“You might say that,” Matt says. Benji raises an eyebrow, "Better not hurt my best friend!" He warns. As I elbow Matt in the stomach.

“All right! One more present!” Sara hollers out. Everyone turns around and looks at Jimmy and his girlfriend, holding out a black box with a silver bow on top. I take it and unwrap the bow and open the box. I gasp when I see that it’s a new iPod Touch.

“Holy shit!” I say. “But, how did you afford it?”

“I work at a bank,” Jimmy's girlfriend replies.

“So, what’d you do? Rob the bank?” Matt asks. Everyone laughs.

“I saved,” she replies shyly.

“Thank you!” I say, enveloping Jimmy and his girlfriend in a tight hug.

“All right! Emotional moment over, let’s do cake!” Brian says, with a plastic knife in his hand. He hands it to me and I cut the first piece. I distribute the cake amongst my guests and soon enough, we’re enjoying the moist chocolate cake that my brother and his friends picked up from the store on the way over.

Thirty minutes later, we’re all on the dance floor, dancing the night away. Nicole and I dance side by side while Johnny and Sara dance privately in the corner. Matt and Benji stand by the bar, sipping their beer while enjoying a good conversation. Soon enough, they’re out on the dance floor with us too.

By one in the morning, I’m ready to pass out. Even though I haven’t had one cigarette or one beer, I can still feel the effects of being up since dawn. My feet feel like they’re ready to fall off. I grab Matt by the hand and tell him I want to go home. As drunk as he is, he agrees. I grab my car keys, gifts and my brother and his girlfriend and am out the door by three in the morning.

“All right, you three drunks, get the fuck in my car!” I say with a groggy voice.

“Aw, did you not have a good birthday sis?” Brian asks, squeezing my shoulders again.

“I did,” I reply shortly.

“Then why are you crabby?” Matt slurs.

“She’s tired,” Sara tells him. “Aren’t you?”

“I’m exhausted,” I admit.

“Maybe I should drive?” Brian offers.

“No!” Matt, Sara and I all say in unison. I start the car and pull out of the pub and on to the main street. I drop Johnny and Sara off at their apartment first, then I drive Matt home.

I park outside his apartment building and wait for him to decide what to do next. I don’t know what to do. I’m technically homeless now, I don’t know what I’ll do or where I’ll go.

“Want to come inside?” Matt offers.

“Sure,” I say.

We get out of my car and head up to his apartment. Right as we get across the threshold, his lips are on mine. He throws his keys on the counter and pushes my shoulder bag off my shoulder. It hits the floor with a thud. He walks backwards towards his bedroom and closes the door shut.

We stop kissing for a second. I sit down on the bottom of his bed. I look up at him and he starts kissing me again. I fall back into the pillows with him on top of me. I slide my hands up and down his sides while he kisses my cheek.

“Wait,” I croak out.

“What?” he asks, brushing my hair away from my face.

“I don’t feel good,” I say. My stomach’s churning.

“Oh.”

“Where’s your bathroom?” I ask.

“Right outside the bedroom, are you going to be okay?” he asks. I feel my face. It’s moist.

“Yeah, I just need to use the bathroom,” I say.

“All right,” he says, getting off of me. I get out of his bed and walk to the bathroom.

Immediately as I shut the door, I start to vomit. Thankfully, I make it to the toilet in time. I pull my hair back into a ponytail as I dry heave. Everything that I’ve eaten today is coming up. It’s gross. I pray to god that Matt’s not standing outside of the bathroom door wondering if he should come in or not. I don’t want him to come in here and see me like this. I just want to deal with this in peace. This whole stomach thing is probably related to the pregnancy.

I’m soon finished vomiting my brains out. I flush the toilet and wash my hands. I look under the sink in hope of finding a toothbrush. Luckily, there’s one that’s still in its package. I open it and find the toothpaste and immediately begin scrubbing my teeth in hopes of getting rid of the vomit taste in the back of my mouth. I find a bottle of windex and a roll of paper towels. I spray the counter top and toilet and scrub the windex over the surface. The bathroom’s actually clean for a boy’s apartment. So, I really can’t complain. I just feel bad about throwing up in his bathroom. So much so that cleaning it is a way of making it all go away.

Once I’m done, I walk out of the bathroom and back into the bedroom. I find Matt fast asleep with his shades still on and with the light still on. He must have passed out just after I left. I shrug and take off my shoes. I get into bed next to him and drift into a deep sleep.

“How the hell did you get in here?” Matt asks me. I wake up and see him hovering over my face.

“It was my birthday remember?” I ask.

“Oh, oh yeah! Was it good?” he asks.

“We didn’t even do anything, relax,” I tell him. I roll over and face the wall. “What time is it?”

“Half past twelve in the afternoon,” he tells me. “What are you doing today?”

“I don’t know,” I say.

“Are you going to go home?” he asks.

“Not really,” I mutter.

“Why?”

“My mom kicked me out,” I say.

“Why?” he asks.

“Matt, She found out I’m pregnant,” I whisper.

I feel him loosen his grip on my waist. He moves away from the pillow and looks directly into my eyes.

“What?” he asks.

“I, got thrown out of my mom’s house. She wanted me to take care of it and go on like nothing ever happened, but I can’t do that. I know I can’t do that. I can’t take the life of my own child! Our child! I can’t!” I cry, he wraps me in a hug and rubs my back, we lay there for hours, me crying in his arms and him holding me, it's peaceful in a way.