Innocence

pull into Johnny’s apartment building parking lot and shut my car off. I take the key out and lean against the steering wheel and bury my face into my arms. I feel tears swell up in my eyes and trickle down my cheeks.

I feel so embarrassed. I feel so stupid. Why can’t anyone sympathize with my situation? Did I want to get pregnant? No! By all means, I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant! But now that I am pregnant, I know I can’t possibly take care of my situation the way my mom wants me to. I couldn’t live with myself if I did that. So, taking care of my situation like that is not an option.

I know Johnny’s upstairs with Sara. I know Sara’s aware of my pregnancy, so maybe I should just bite the bullet and tell Johnny. As pissed as he’ll be, I know this has to come sooner or later. I’d rather get it over with now than later. I take a few minutes to pull myself together. I take a few deep breaths and gather my bags and head up to Johnny and Sara’s apartment. I find the spare key under the doormat and let myself in.

“Hello?” I call out.

“Morning,” Sara replies. “What’s all of this?” she asks as she walks in with Johnny in tow.
“You two better sit down for this,” I say.

They take my advice and sit on the sofa hand in hand. Johnny looks at me with concern. He has no idea what’s coming. I drop my crap by the chair and sit down in it.

“Sara, you know what’s going on, right?” I ask, taking a deep breath.

“I think so,” she says. “Why?”

“What’s going on?” Johnny asks quietly. I look at him and take another deep breath. If there’s one thing that’s going to keep me calm, it’s deep breathing because on the inside, I’m screaming.

“Johnny, I fucked up, I’m sorry,” I say with tears in my eyes.

“Well, what’d you do?” he asks.

“I got kicked out of mom’s house,” I say.

“What?” Sara says. “Because you’re…”

“Because I’m pregnant!” I shout out.

Johnny looks at me in disbelief. There’s a shade of fury present in his eyes. His face turns bright red and the veins in his forehead look like they’re going to burst out of his skin.

“No,” he says quietly. “She wouldn’t!”

“I am,” I cry. That’s done it. I’m now bursting out in tears, sobbing into my hands.

“Did you tell him?” Sara asks. I nod my head. “And, he said I can't live there!" I sob some more.

“And your mom?” she asks.

“She wanted me to take care of it.” I sob.

“So what are you going to do?” Johnny asks.

“I can’t,” I say.

“You can’t what?” he asks.

“I can’t kill my child!” I scream out. Sara stands up and wraps her arms around me, holding me tight to her chest.

“Well, what are you going to do?” he asks.

“I don’t know, I don’t know what to do,” I say. “I don’t have a home, a job or a fucking future! I have nothing but this child inside of me!”

“Shh! Honey, you can stay here with us until you figure out what to do,” Sara says, calming me down. She brushes my hair with her fingers, trying to bring a sense of calmness to my body.

“Maci, I’m sorry. I can’t believe mom would kick you out,” Johnny tells me.

“Yeah, well, I can. The fucking doctor called her and told her. She fucking cornered me, and threw me out!” I say.

“It’ll be okay,” Johhny tells me.

“Maci, I think you should call that doctor back and set up an appointment,” Sara says. “Just to know what’s really going on.”

“I think she knows what’s going on, she’s pregnant,” Johnny says, letting me go. “My god, I can’t believe it.”

“Neither can I. It was a mistake,” I say.

“Well, we all make mistakes, this one’s just going to be one you’re going to have to deal with for the rest of your life,” he tells me.

“Yeah, I just wish I wasn’t alone in it,” I say.

“You’re not. You have me and Matt, I’m not going to back out on you just because you fucked my best friend and are now having his child. I’m better than that,” he says. I smile.

“Thanks,” I say.

For the next two weeks, I live at Sara and Johnny’s apartment. I go to school every day and come home and do my homework.

I haven’t heard from Matt and am beginning to think that I probably won’t hear from him again. The thought of being a single teen mother is beginning to appeal to me a little more. But, my hormones change every day, so I really can’t say that and be sure.

Right now, I’m sitting in Dr. Yung’s office with my brother Johnny and his girlfriend. They’ve been the two most supportive people through all of this. I appreciate that so much. I just wish my mom and Matt could jump on the same bandwagon as Sara and Johnny, but I know that’s not going to happen.

“Maci Caldwell?” a nurse calls out. I stand up. “Right this way,” she says, leading me into the back.

Johnny and Sara follow me. The nurse takes my vitals, height and weight before Dr. Yung walks into the room.

“Hello again! I didn’t think I’d see you in here!” Dr. Yung tells me. “And this is?” she asks, gesturing towards Johnny and Sara.

“My brother, Johnny and his girlfriend Sara,” I tell her, she shakes both of their hands.

“Well, how have things been?” she asks me with a smile.

“Hell. My life has turned into a living hell thanks to you,” I snap. Johnny and Sara stare at me. Dr. Yung’s bright smile is wiped from her face.

“Why, I didn’t know that, how so?” she asks.

“Well, first off, you called my mom’s house and told her I was pregnant. Now, isn’t there some type of patient-doctor confidentiality thing going on here?” I ask.

“Yes,” she says.

“Well, you fucking broke it. And because you called my mom looking for billing information, which you should have just called me for, she kicked me out,” I finish.

“I’m sorry. Where are you living now?” she asks.

“With us,” Sara says. “She lives with us. She goes to school and everything, but her life’s been unstable. The father backed out on her about two weeks ago, her mother backed out of the situation. Her mom told her to take care of the situation. Maci’s chosen not to.”

“Well, good. I’m sorry to hear about all of this, but I think you’ve chosen the right choice. If you can find a way to put your life back together for the sake of your child, you’ll be fine. Just try to find a way to make everything work without the father or your mother. I know it’ll be hard, but you have your brother and his girlfriend,” Dr. Yung says.

“There’s one thing, I’d appreciate it if you’d call my cell phone from now on,” I say.

“Well, I’d imagine I’d have to if I’ve caused so much trouble for you. I do feel sorry. I am sorry,” she tells me. “I won’t do it again. But there’s a few things we need to take care of today. We need to determine just when this baby will be due.”

“Okay,” I agree.

“So, let’s get started,” she says. “First, a few questions. Then I’ll do the rest,” she says.

“Okay,” I say.

“So, when was the first time you and the father had intercourse?” she asks.

“About Eight weeks ago,” I say. “There was a few times around then.”

“So, a conception date is around eight weeks ago, so you’re probably eight or nine weeks along,” she says.

“Yes,” I say.

“All right, so, have you been taking care of yourself since then?” she asks.

“Well, since you’ve told me that I was pregnant, I haven’t drank.”

“And when you say that you haven’t drank, do you mean you’ve given up alcohol and coffee?”

“Yes.” I say.

“Good!” she praises me again. “That’s good.”

“So, now what?” Johnny asks.

“Now, I’m going to leave Maci alone to get undressed and put a gown on so we can do a vaginal ultrasound,” Dr. Yung tells us.

“Okay! I’m going to be in the waiting room!” Johnny says. “Mac, good luck!” he says, hugging me tight.

Everyone leaves the room but me. I undress and put on the gown that’s left on the table for me. Dr. Yung and Sara come back in a few minutes later.

“You ready?” Dr. Yung asks.

“Yup,” I say with hesitation.

“It’ll be fine,” she says, closing the door and pulling the ultrasound machine out of the corner.

“There’ll be a little discomfort, but that’ll be it. We just need to see how far along you really are,” she tells me.

“Sounds good,” I say. Sara stands at my side.

“Ready?” she asks.

“Yeah,” I say.

“We’ll get food after this, I promise,” she says.

“Good, I’m hungry,” I tell her.

“Okay, Maci, lie back,” Dr. Yung instructs me.

A few minutes later, I’m laying back with my legs spread apart on an exam table. Dr. Yung pushes the small, but long wand up my vagina and tells me to look at the screen. This shit hurts! The sex was good, but this son of a bitch hurts like all mighty hell!

I look at the screen as Dr. Yung points out a little tiny blob in the middle of the screen. She tells me it’s my baby, but I really can’t tell. Sara’s holding my hand, she looks down at me.

“Does it hurt?” she asks.

“Yeah,” I quiver.

“It won’t be much longer,” Dr. Yung tells us. “So, I think you’re right around the eight week mark, probably more like seven and a half weeks along. So, it’s the end of March, hmm. I’m going to say early Late October,” she tells me. “I’ll punch it into my calculator. Yup, the 31 of October” she tells me.

“Really?” I say. She takes out the wand. She wipes off my vagina and the wand.

“Yup,” she says. “So, we’ll schedule another appointment, several actually. You’ll need to come in periodically for a check up on the baby’s progress and you’re pregnancy as well,” she tells me.

“Fine,” I say.

“All right, I’ll let you get dressed and then you can schedule the next appointment with the receptionist,” she says. “Okay, thank you for coming! I do want to help you Maci, I’m sorry that I messed up the first time.”

“Thanks,” I say.

Dr. Yung leaves the room and Sara stands in the corner as I redress myself. Five minutes later, Sara and I walk out of the exam room and are rejoined with Johnny. We talk with the receptionist and schedule the next appointment for two weeks from now. We then leave the office and head out to lunch.