Innocence

It’s been two weeks since I was hired by the band’s manger. I’ve completed the training, and I'm ready to work, but the tour doesn't start until the weekend after my graduate.’ Matt's been calling Johnny almost non-stop all week about our baby and me.

Matt and I have a huge fear of screwing up.

I’m afraid I’m going to do something wrong in this pregnancy and it’ll harm the baby. I’m afraid that everyone who says they’ll help me won’t and I’ll be alone in the end. I’m afraid that I’ll loose my job and have nothing for this child. I’m afraid of my whole world crashing down on me.

But all of my fears are on the back burner. I’m trying hard to make them all fade away. But Come four months from now, our lives will change. He’ll have the title of a father, god knows what he’ll do with it. But, me, I’ll have to role as a mother and I will have to do something about it. I’ll be raising our child, with or without its’ father. And that’s the bottom line.

Two days later, I’m sitting the waiting room of Dr. Yung’s office with Sara, Johnny and Matt. It’s the day of my first ultrasound. I’m nervous, yet excited at the same time.

“Maci Caldwell”

We all jump up at the nurse’s voice and walk into the back. I’m weighed at the weight station before we head into the exam room. I’ve gained seven pounds since my last visit.

“Why hello!” Dr. Yung says, walking into the room. “Nice to see everyone!”

“Hi,” we all say.

“All right, so first ultrasound today, everyone excited?” she asks.

“Yup,” we all say.

“Nervous?”

“Nah!”

“How’ve you been Maci?” Dr. Yung asks.

“I’ve been good. I’ve been a little sore,” I say.

“Fatigued?” she asks.

“That and muscle cramps,” I say.

“Well, you’re body’s adjusting for the baby, so hopefully the muscle cramping will decrease, but you never know. Your pregnancy could be an easy one, with hardly any morning sickness and muscle fatigue, or it could be a rough one with morning sickness right and fatigue right up until the birth,” she explains.

“Okay,” I say.

“So, you’ll just have to wait and see it out. Just take care of yourself though. Try not to get too stressed in the coming weeks with your high school graduation and your brother's tour. Try to fit in some personal time to take care of yourself too,” she says.

“Okay,” I say.

“All right, so let’s hear the heartbeat and take a look at the baby,” she says with a smile. She pulls the heart monitor out of the draw while I pull up my shirt to expose my tummy. She pours the gel over my tummy. She rolls the wand around until we can all hear the rapid beat of the baby’s heart.

“That’s the heartbeat?” Johnny asks. Dr. yung nods. “So cool!”

“I know,” Matt says. “It’s stronger.”

“The baby has a strong heartbeat, that’s a good thing,” Dr. Yung tells me. “All right,” she says, taking the wand off my tummy and wiping it off and putting it back in the drawer. She pulls the ultrasound machine out of its corner and turns off the lights. She pours more of the gel on my tummy. She rolls it around with the wand and waits for an image to appear.

The image is black within an outline triangle shaped window. She rolls it around until she finds the fetus. The baby is a whitish gray blob in the center of the window.

“I can’t see it,” I say. She searches harder until she stops and puts her finger on the blob at a different angle.

“See its head, here?” she asks.

“Yeah?” I say.

“Well,” she says, spinning the wand in a different angle. “There it is,” she says, pointing to a now clear image of a miniature size baby.

“Wow,” Matt says. “That’s the baby? It looks so small.”

“Kind of insect like,” Johnny says.

“It’s only still only five months along, so within the next four months, you’ll see the difference. The baby will grow. So, right now it looks hardly like baby, but give it a few weeks,” Dr. Yung says.

“Can you take a picture?” I ask.

“Yup, I can print a few,” she says. She fiddles with the machine and prints out a few pictures for me to take home. “You can start a scrapbook.”

“That’d be fun,” Sara says. I smile at her. She loves arts and crafts.

“So, any other concerns?” Dr. Yung asks.

“Nope,” I say.

“Okay, just try not to be stressed in the next few weeks, hun. It won’t be a very fun party in the ER if anything goes wrong with the baby because you got too stressed because of the tour or your graduation,” Dr. Yung says.

“All right, I’ll try not to get too stressed,” I say with a laugh.

“All right, then. I’ll see you in two weeks,” Dr. Yung says. “You’re doing great!”

“Thank you,” I say.

I take the pictures and hand them to Sara, who puts them in my shoulder bag. I then take a paper towel and wipe off my stomach of the gel. I pull down my shirt and jump off the table. We all walk out of the exam room and head to the recieption desk. I set up the next appointment for a usual Friday and we all head out the door.

“See?” Sara asks, pointing out the baby’s shape. We’re waiting in a long line to get out of the parking garage.

“Oh yeah!” Johnny says. “There he is!”

“He?” Matt and I both ask.

“Yeah, what’s wrong with he? It could be a boy!”

“Well, it could be a girl!” Matt says, we all know he wants a baby girl.

“Relax you guys, it could go either way,” I remind them.

“So, when do you find the sex out?” Matt asks.

“I think it’s six months” Sara says. “I can’t remember with my sister. Though, I think she waited until she was seven months.”

“Okay,” Matt says.

“Shut up sweetie, my niece was just born last year.”

“Hello? Oh, hi. Yeah, Johnny Seward. Oh. Really. When did you find him? Shit. That’s not good. Los Angeles General? I’ll be there in a hour.”

“Johnny?” I ask. “Who was that?”

“It was about dad.”

“Oh, what about him?” I ask.

“He had a heart attack. They’ve brought him in to Los Angeles General. He’s been there for twenty minutes. So, Sara, can you drive me to the hospital?"

“Any word on my dad?” I ask, Sara as I stand in the kitchen.

“No, honey. Johnny called me to tell me that he’s there with him, but they’re running a ton of tests on him. Johnny’s going to stay with him until they’re finished and he has a room,” she informs me.

Fifteen minutes later I lie down on my bed. I feel my heavy eyes close shut.