This Time Around

“How do you feel?”

Anna had a tendency to ask questions I didn’t know how to answer. This question was no different than all the rest. I tried to rack my brain for an answer that would suffice – one that would put her worries, and my own, to rest – but I came up short. My mind was completely blank as my half-hearted words came out in a sigh.

“I don’t know how to feel.”

I stood from the cold wooden bench, wanting to get away from my sister’s unwavering eyes. Walking forward towards the railing that separated the boardwalk from the beach, I leaned on the metal rails and looked towards the horizon. The setting sun should’ve brought me some sort of peace - some sort of serenity - as it usually did, but all I felt was the guilt that was welling in the pit of my stomach. I knew I shouldn’t have felt this way. I had nothing to be guilty about. Everything I did was completely justifiable.

“How can you not know how you feel, Lindsay?” I heard her let out a frustrated sigh.

I imagined her rolling her eyes behind me and toying with her long dark hair as she stood and walked closer. The heels of her shoes made an echoing noise on the wooden boards of the bridge. The echoing grew louder as she neared, mixing with the sounds of the screams of people on the rollercoaster’s in the distance behind us. In the back of my mind, all I could think was that the promenade was not somewhere we should’ve been having this conversation.

“I don’t know, Anna,” I said loudly, my frustration getting the best of me.

I was frustrated that she kept questioning me about my crumbling relationship. I was frustrated with myself for not knowing the answers. Lately, all I seemed to do was second-guess everything, from the decisions I make to the ones I’ve made so far. I wondered if I was making things more complicated than they were. Did I give up too easily, even after four years with him? Did I blow things too much out of proportion? Had I been looking for a way out all this time?

Running my fingers through my cropped blonde hair, I sighed before rubbing my face with my hands. The nights I spent worrying about him were catching up with me. The bags I felt under my eyes were proof of that. The burden of my mistake was weighing me down.

“I - I don’t know anything anymore,” I said, shaking my head. “I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know what I’m- what I’m gonna do. I just don’t know anything anymore.” I focused my gaze on a sailboat in the distance, slowly moving towards the setting sun.

“Well, then, just answer me one question.” From behind me, I felt her run her cold fingers through my hair affectionately. It felt like we were children again, except this time, she was playing big sister.

“One question and then I’ll stop bothering you about this,” she said as she stopped her motions.

I toyed with my lip ring as I nodded slightly and prepared myself for her question. I was glad she couldn’t see the moisture build up in my eyes, making them glisten and I prayed they wouldn’t fall. Jacoby was the only subject of conversation that had this kind of effect on me and that in itself was embarrassing. I didn’t like one man having this kind of control over me and I didn’t want my little sister to see me cry over him.

I felt Anna lace her thin fingers with my frail ones, gripping my hand with both of hers tightly. The warmth from her hand spread through my entire body as I held her fingers tightly in anticipation.

“Do you regret leaving him?” She placed her chin on my shoulder and spoke the words so softly in my ear, that I almost couldn’t hear them beneath the sounds of the whistling wind and the howling children.

I sucked in an icy breath and clenched my jaw, not expecting the pang of guilt that shot through my stomach as I thought of him. My mind began to play pictures from my memory on loop. I pictured his cerulean eyes and warm smile. I imagined his feather-light kisses and his noisy antics and how he has an opinion about everything. I missed how his dangerous tattoos completely contradicted the safety I felt around him. I missed the way he used to sing to me every time I was in a bad mood. I missed him.

Anna’s question had been one I’d been asking myself for weeks now. I knew that when I left him, I felt that it was the right thing to do, but now – now everything was different. It had been almost one month since I left tour and I was still unhappy. My life felt empty without his smile, his laugh, his voice. He was the last thing I saw before I went to bed and the first thing I saw every morning for the last four years of our life together.

I knew I had to try to forget him and move on after all that had happened, but I didn’t want to. A big part of me wanted to hold on because I wanted him to show me that he loved me enough to chase after me. I wanted him to prove that our love meant something to him. That I meant as much to him as he always told me. I wanted him to show me that our relationship was still worth fighting for because after four years, it just didn’t seem like it was important to him anymore.

“I - I,” I took a deep breath to calm my nerves. “I can’t answer that, Anna.”

“It’s a simple question, Lindi,” she replied, her voice barely a whisper. She moved from behind me to beside me, leaning her side into the railing. The wind blew the dark strands of her hair all around her face but she didn’t seem to care. Her eyes were focused on me.

“It’s not that simple!” I shouted, facing her fully. She held my gaze, not backing down but from the look in her eyes, she wasn’t expecting my outburst. The tears began to burn even more as I lowered my gaze away from her and turned around again. “It’s not and you know it. So, why are you doing this? Why are you bringing him up?”

The begging and pleading in my voice just made me feel completely hopeless and unattractive.

“Look, I know you hate him right now. And you have every right to! I hate him too. I hate him more than anyone, but I know that he makes you happy and despite how he treated you, I –I,” a desperate look crossed her face, “I just need to know if you regret it. Because if you regret leaving, then that means that - that maybe you still love him.”

Her frantic voice laced her words and had me cowering. She bit her lip, drawing attention to the frown set on her mouth. She continued, “And if you still love him, then there’s still a chance that you two can –“

“Can what? Get back together?” My voice wavered at the end. I turned my body around again, completely facing her and casually leaned my back against the railing. The tears had slipped out despite my efforts, but I didn’t even notice until a cold breeze passed us, instantly freezing my cheek where the tracks had imprinted themselves. I was suddenly aware that my light black jeans and red t-shirt were doing nothing to keep me warm.

“Maybe?” Anna whispered, looking at me with her big brown doe-eyes. She looked like an innocent child, hoping for the answer she wanted to hear. Suddenly, I couldn’t blame her for her questions. Jacoby and I had basically been parents to her since she was a child. We’d practically raised her and she needed to know that in the end, the couple she’d grown up with, was going to last. She needed to know that all relationships didn’t end in disaster, like the ones she’d seen break apart in front of her, growing up. She needed to hear that fairy-tale endings still exist.

I sighed, wiping the tear trails from my face and forcing a tight smile. I couldn’t let her see me like this. I needed to be strong for her.

“C’mere sug,” I wrapped my arms around her when she took a step forward, pulling her close. “Everything is going to be okay.” I pulled away and gave her a tight smile, brushing her dark bangs away from her forehead. “You and me? We’ll be alright with or without him.”

I tried to sound strong and determined. I don’t know if I was trying to convince her or myself, but either way, I didn’t do a good job. We both sighed and leaned into each other as we looked at the darkening sky. Children’s happy screams and people’s friendly chatter mixed with the sound of the waves gently crashing against each other. The wind began to pick up, blowing our hair in all sorts of directions, my blonde tangling with my sister’s brunette.

A vibrating sound hung in the air, catching Anna’s attention. She reached into the pocket of her tight black jeans and looked at the screen for a moment before her expression became annoyed. I couldn’t stop myself from teasing her. It felt like an easy way out of our topic of subject.

“Who is it? A boyyy?” I asked playfully, shoving her hip with mine, giving her a smile. She looked panicked for a second as her brown eyes met my blue ones. I saw the hesitation in her eyes a split second, thinking her words over before she spoke.

“Maybe.” She smiled slightly. “I’ll be right back, I have to answer this.”

She flipped her phone open, coughing out an angry hello and walking away before I could even get in a reply.

---

The wind whipped my hair around as I leaned my arms on the railing once more, but I didn’t bother fixing it this time. I just let it tangle itself around as I thought about Jacoby, Anna’s question haunting my thoughts. Did I regret leaving him? The emptiness I felt without him told me that I did, but I couldn’t tell Anna that. I didn’t want her to have false hope. I didn’t want her to lose hope in relationships like I had when I was young. I didn’t want her following in my footsteps, waiting for someone like Coby to come along to change her mind, only for something like this to happen.

I shivered as another breeze passed by, swirling my hair even more while making the hairs on my arms stand on end. I wished I had been smart enough to grab a jacket before coming here. But it was always Coby that reminded me and Anna of little things like that. And if I ever forgot, he’d pretend to be angry and wrap his arms around me, keeping me warm himself. I couldn’t remember a time where he hadn’t taken care of me like that.

I shook my head of those thoughts, hating how much I missed him. At the very least, I just wanted to hear his voice.

“Lindsay?”

I thought I was imagining it. In fact, I was sure I imagined it. He was supposed to be on the other side of North America in a different country. He was supposed to be singing his heart out in front of thousands of his fans. He was supposed to be anywhere but here, standing behind me.

I felt his body heat before I felt his hand grasp my elbow, turning me around slowly to face him. He looked better than I remembered. The eyeliner was smudged around his eyes and his hair was spiked up, the sides staying matted down. He was wearing his signature dark jeans, black t-shirt and black leather jacket. His aquamarine eyes were watching me, gauging my reaction to his sudden appearance. He seemed to be waiting for me to say something.

I took in a deep breath, looking up and over his shoulder. I couldn’t make eye contact with him yet. I wasn’t strong enough to not crumble under his gaze. “You’re supposed to be on tour.”

He didn’t miss a beat. “And you’re supposed to be on tour with me.” He lowered his head closer to mine as he spoke and I knew he was trying to make our conversation a little more private. But it felt like a calculated move – with how close our lips were, I couldn’t stop myself from wanting to kiss him.

I moved, turning myself away and the pain I felt turning my back on him weeks ago came rushing back. I tried my best to ignore it and closed my eyes, pulling myself together. “Don’t even start, Coby.”

I folded my arms across my chest in an attempt to calm my racing heart. I tried to make sense of the thoughts in my head. What I wanted was playing out in front of me – He’d come after me. This had to mean something, right? If he cared enough to come after me, it meant that he still loved me. But so what if he did? Did it excuse the fact that he’d been ignoring me for the past couple of months? Taking us for granted and treating me as though I didn’t exist? As though I’d always come second to the music, parties and his drugs? I was sick of dating Jacoby Shaddix, the rock star. I just wanted Jacoby, my loving boyfriend of four years.

“We have to talk about this, Lindsay,” he said, desperately. His voice always made me feel like I’d melt but I tried not to let it show this time around. I tried to keep my voice strong and stony, but my plans were destroyed as soon I turned around again to look at him.

My gaze met with his as I fought the incredulousness I felt, from showing on my face. “There’s nothing to talk about, Coby!” My shaky voice sounded so tired. I almost didn’t want my next words to fall from my lips, but I knew it had to be done. “We’re done. There’s absolutely nothing left to talk about. It’s over.”

I wanted to get in the last word. I wanted to turn my back and walk away. I wanted to make him feel as alone as he had made me feel for the past couple of months in our relationship. I gave him one last look, hating myself for the tears that were felt like they were about to fall from my eyes. I walked away as fast as I could, searching around for my sister. I found her watching me with a sympathetic expression, standing very close to another familiar face with a similar expression. Before I could even take another step towards them, I was grabbed by the forearm and dragged to the secluded side of one of the shops that lined the promenade and pressed up against the brick wall.

His lips were so familiar. I loved the tingly feeling I always got the moment my lips touched his and his arms secured me to his chest. This time was no different. It was hard for me to fight what felt so right. I didn’t even realize that I had begun to kiss him back until he pulled away. He pressed his lips against mine again. And again.

“We were never just fucking done,” he whispered against my lips, before kissing me one more time.

I felt dazed when we broke apart for air. I couldn’t say or do anything but look into his eyes, revelling in the indescribable feeling I got in the pit of my stomach when I was around him. A part of me was glad that not everything had changed; I still had those butterflies even after four years and I hoped he had them too.

In the back of my mind, I knew that I had to be strong. I couldn’t just give in to him this easily. The words flew out of my mouth before I could even comprehend what I was saying.

“We were done the moment I walked out of that tour bus and you were too high to care.”

I couldn’t break our eye contact no matter how much I wanted to. I regretted the words as soon as I spoke them but it was too late to take them back, no matter how much I wanted to. The damage had been done and I knew it from the expression on Jacoby’s face. He looked angry and ashamed at the same time. He clenched his jaw and moved his hands from my waist. He cussed under his breath and moved away from me, running his tattooed fingers through his already messy black hair. “Fuck.”

When he looked back at me, I could’ve sworn I saw fear in his eyes. He walked closer to my frozen form. I hadn’t moved from my spot against the brick wall, my lips still tingly. His hands cupped my cheeks easily; we’d been in this position before. I knew my walls were crumbling the moment I felt my hands slide up and cup his wrists. Jacoby leaned his forehead into mine.

“I tried coming after you but the guys said to give you space. I was just trying to give you space. That doesn’t mean that we were over, Lindsay.” He moved even closer, looking nothing short of desperate. His cerulean eyes shifted as they held my gaze.

“There’s a big difference between trying to give me space, Coby, and not giving two shits.” I took a deep breath, “and I’m not just talking about the day I left, Coby.”

I was talking about the last couple months we’d shared. When he invited me to tour with them, practically calling my boss himself to let me off work. He’d promised me that he wanted me there because seeing me three months out of the year wasn’t enough. That we needed more time together before taking the next step. He wanted us to be closer and living on a tour bus would allow that. For the first couple of days, it was great. We were inseparable. Coby made me feel loved and the rest of the guys, practically my brothers, made me feel at home.

But then we’d gotten comfortable. Jacoby stopped trying to shield me from the fan girls that shamelessly begged him to bed them, right in front of me. He stopped hiding the drugs that I knew the boys occasionally did. He trips back to the bus had nothing to do with me anymore and more to do with a quick shower, change of clothes and a new party. It all started changing and I was scared. I felt the breakup coming. How much longer until Jacoby would stop saying no to the girls? After four years of knowing no one but him, I decided to hurt him before he could hurt me. Packing my things, I left without so much as a goodbye. I was smart enough to know that I couldn’t change his antics. I had to do it to keep myself from getting hurt badly.

But it didn’t mean that I loved and cared for him any less.

Jacoby sighed, moving his left hand to spot slightly above my head. His other hand was still cupping my jaw, stroking it lightly. He stared at my lips for a second, and all I wanted him to do was kiss me again.

“The day you left, I was so fucking confused,” he began, moving his hand slowly from my cheek to my neck. He was touching me lightly but it was enough to send shivers down my spine. “I honestly didn’t understand because I’m a dumb fucking prick.” He chuckled a little, still not looking at me. “I just- I didn’t get it. I swear, I thought you’d made a mistake and you’d come running back.”

He wasn’t doing a very good job of selling his case, but I kept my mouth shut, knowing better than to stop Jacoby if he’s in the middle of what he thinks is an apology. I stared at the cross chain I’d bought him for his twenty second birthday, when we’d barely known each other. I couldn’t believe he’d kept it all this time, but he’d always said that it meant a lot to him. That it was a symbol of our love.

“But then Jerry fuckin’ - he knocked me down a few pegs,” he laughed, probably remembering the day. His fingers trailed from my neck and down my chest. I wasn’t sure if he knew what kind of effect this was having on me. His expression seemed thoughtful, almost faraway. He was staring at my lips, but I could tell he wasn’t really seeing them.

“What did Jerry tell you?” I mustered up the courage to ask him after, he paused his actions and his words. The curiosity was eating away at me.

Jacoby’s eyes snapped up and finally, he saw me. A small smile lingered on his lips. “He made me look at things from your perspective. All I remember thinking was what a fucking pussy he sounded like, saying the shit he was saying.”

I rolled my eyes and clenched my jaw, bringing my arms up between us and pushing at his chest. If he wasn’t going to take this seriously, then he was wasting my time.

He wasn’t expecting my reaction. “No, no, no, no, babe - Lindsay, listen to me.” He grabbed my arms and pushed them to my chest, pushing me harder against the wall but not enough to hurt me. My arms were the only thing separating our chests and they were doing nothing to help as I struggled against him.

“Listen,” he pleaded. “Afterwards, when I was laying in our bunk, I started thinking... Back to the way I’ve been treating you.”

I stopped struggling immediately, looking up at him. I tried to gauge his seriousness from his eyes, his expression, his body language – anything.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered after the long silence. He lowered his head closer to mine again. “I’m so fucking sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to get so fucking caught up in all that shit. I’m sorry that I took you for granted,” he paused, pulling my clenched hands up by the wrists and kissing my knuckles softly. “I’m just sorry, Lindsay. For everything.”

The sincerity in his voice was all that it took for my walls to fully crumble. Though, I figured that I’d forgiven him a long, long time ago. I didn’t want to be fighting him anymore. Letting it all sink in, I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the brick wall.

“This is way too much...” I trailed off, not knowing what to say. All of this was happening so fast. I knew I had already forgiven him and I knew that I wanted to get back together but I didn’t know where to go from here.

“Can we just... I don’t even fucking know...” He trailed off, looking sideways before turning back to me. He let go of my hands and took a step back as I let my arms dangle at my sides. “Can we just start over?”

I shook my head lightly, a smile lifting the corners of my lips. “No, not all over... Let’s just - rewind.” I moved forward and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling myself as close to him as I could. I wanted to make up for lost time. Jacoby grinned, wrapping his arms around my waist in a heartbeat.

“As long as I can be with you, just like this...” His aquamarine eyes shined brightly as he craned his neck down to kiss my wrist. He lowered his voice, his lips hovering over mine. “I’ll try to do it right, this time around. I promise you that, baby.”