Snapdragons By His Grave

Monday morning. I was still spellbound from my night with Cayman. I’d had boyfriends before, lots of them. I’d thought I was in love with Derek, but really, I was just being a foolish little girl. I’d told him I loved him, and I think he really did love me, but I was only saying it to say it. I wanted to love him, but I really just didn’t.
Cayman, on the other hand, this was real.
I was a little disappointed that he wasn’t here this morning. I was kind of expecting to wake up with him next to me. I went to the bathroom to shower and brush my teeth. When I went downstairs, I was surprised to see my parents and Lewis there. Usually, I had mornings to myself. I usually had whole days to myself. I would be alone in the house, doing whatever the hell I wanted. I would wear my hair in ridiculous ways, walk around in my underwear, sing at the top of my lungs and dance like a raving maniac. I wasn’t good, but it was fun, and no one was there to tell me to stop.
But this morning, my whole family was there.
“Morning, Sweetheart,” Daddy said, sipping his coffee. Mom set down a big platter of pancakes in the middle of the table. Mom put stuff in pancakes that most people didn’t. Peanut butter, mint, cream cheese, nuts, peaches, coffee crystals, Oreo crumbles. Sometimes she mixed some stuff together, or made something with chocolate. Today, it was macadamia, mocha, Reese’s, and and raspberry lemon. All my favorites. Something was up.
I took my usual seat. Mom turned on the radio. She usually turned on country music; she had a thing for it- but today, she turned to my favorite pop station. Everyone sat down, and I was the first one served, one of each pancake. I waited until everyone had their pancakes, and then cut a piece of a mocha one off with the edge of my fork. My teeth crunched against the gritty coffee crystals. The first few minutes of breakfast were silent. I lifted a glass of milk to my lips, and took a sip.
“Honey…” Daddy said, “we all think something’s up here. You’ve been acting strange lately.”
And there it is. “Um…not really.”
“Yes you have. I mean, taking the car? You never would have done that before. We think something else is going on.”
“Listen, Taylie,” Lewis said, “we think that you’ve been alone so much around here that it’s starting to get to your head. We think that you may have taken the car because you wanted attention. For more people to be around you.”
“So we’re gonna change things up around here a bit,” Daddy continued. “Your mother and I are gonna visit Grammie a lot less. We’ve been crowding her and she needs her space.”
“I’m gonna cut back on band practices a bit,” Lewis said.
“And we’ll start eating meals together again,” Mom added cautiously. She lowered her head a bit more, keeping eye contact with me. “And we’re going to start seeing a family counselor. Together, starting this Saturday.”
Saturday?! No! I made plans with Cayman, to help him find his house!
“I can’t, I made plans this Saturday,” I said.
“This is exactly what the problem is. We’re all making plans with the time we should be spending together,” Daddy said, shaking his head.
“But this is important-”
“Your grandmother is important, too, but we’ve made a sacrifice there. Your mother and I didn’t want her to be alone, but in the process of keeping her company, we’ve left you alone.”
“It’s not healthy for a girl your age to be away from her family this much.” Mom was starting to tear up. “We’re going. All of us.”
There was no use fighting it. I nodded. “Okay.” I took the worry stone from my pocket and rubbed it furiously. I crunched down on a macadamia nut. Mom started trying to make small talk. I gave short, vague answers while I tried to finish my food briefly.
I went to school, and on the walk, Cayman appeared next to me. I smiled stupidly as he gave me a hug- of course, I couldn’t hug back or I’d look like a lunatic. He gave me a quick kiss.
“So you can’t come Saturday?” He asked, arm around my waist.
“How’d you know?”
“I was upstairs. I didn’t want to come down and risk anyone else seeing me.”
“I’m sorry. I really wanted to help.”
“It’s okay. Family’s important. I’m not going to let you throw them away. Once you lose them, that’s it.”
I nodded, understanding. He didn’t have his family anymore.
“But man, did those pancakes smell good.”
“Did you want some? I could have saved you-”
“No, no, no. I can’t really eat anymore. I mean I can, but there’s really no need to and it kind of literally goes right through me. I have to use a lot of energy to pick something up. Eating would be torture.”
“Weird,” I said. He held my hand and then left me in front of the school.
“I shouldn’t go inside.”
“Yeah.” I looked into his eyes, drowning myself in the green. I kissed him for as long as I could without looking strange, and then smiled and went inside.
And then I remembered.
Renee.
I was supposed to meet Charlotte to take everything down; it looked like she had done it herself.
I found her by my locker. Her eyes were red and dark, with bags under them. She must have come early.
“Where were you?” she asked, yawning.
“My family insisted on having breakfast together, I’m really sorry. But thanks for helping out. I really appreciate it.”
“That’s not the point. You really just don’t want to hang out with me, do you?” She was starting to get angry.
“Wha-”
“No, I get it. You’re popular now after the party. Why the hell would you want to hang out with Renee Hope’s dorky little sister?”
“Charlotte, that’s not it- I really couldn’t make it today.”
“Give it up, Taylie. You’re lucky I even helped you out at all.” She stormed off.
I slammed my fist against the locker. Why did things always turn out like this for me?
On Saturday, I went to Momo’s and bought a chocolate bar and coffee before going to the counseling. Mom was wearing a pale pink eyelet lace dress. She insisted that I change out of my jeans and old black band t-shirt. Just to piss her off, I put on ripped jeans and a black hoodie. I tied my hair in a messy ponytail and turned up my iPod as I walked downstairs to block out her disapproval. She glared at me as I put on my worn, dirty sneakers.
The drive was quiet, just as I thought it would be.
The counselor’s “office” was just a house with a sign that was supposed to make the place look special.
We walked inside and Mom signed her name on some paper. We waited in this stuffy room with a bunch of magazines. I was next to the water cooler. It was full of water, to the top…but there were no cups. Obviously, no one had ever touched the water, because there were little yellow things floating around in it…now why did this bat have a water cooler that no one could get a drink from? It had to show what kind of person this was.
Finally, she called us in.
“Hi, it’s nice to meet you all! I’m Dr. Rayer.”
She was wearing a yellow skirt and suit. I mean it looked formal and everything, but I’m not talking a sophisticated butter-yellow, this was a bright, sunny, I’m-happier-than-you yellow. She was wearing a white blouse under, but also a hot pink tie and strappy heels. Seriously?
“Now, why don’t you start by telling me your names?” She smiled widely and annoyingly. Her lips were painted with the most obnoxious berry pink lipstick I’d ever seen, and some of it was on her teeth.
“My name’s Shannon,” my mother said, smiling.
“Nice to meet you, Shannon!” Dr. Rayer said, “You must be her husband.” She nodded towards my dad. Her roots were showing, and her nails were painted gold with a glitter top coat.
“Right. I’m Sam,” Daddy said.
“Lewis,” my brother stated blankly.
“Well, you’re all a nice bunch! And what about you?” She looked at me. She had on that Falsies mascara or something like it that made real eyelashes look like fake ones.
“Taylie.”
*Later*
It was hell.
The only thing that made it better was that I was seeing Cayman after. I was going to the dock with him again. We were going swimming.
I got Daddy’s old Atlantica Community College hoodies and put it over my bathing suit, with a pair of short shorts, and flip flops. I got a black canvas shoulder bag and packed a towel, my cell phone, a pack of sour Skittles, and a soda. When Mom asked where I was going, I just said “a place.” I ignored her nagging about my “attitude” as I rushed in the direction of the dock.
He was already there, pant legs rolled up and toes drawing squiggles in the water. I took a few steps forward and he turned, smiling when he saw me. He got up and greeted me with a kiss. I noticed that there were no wet footprints where he had stepped on the wooden dock. I put my things down and took off my shoes. It was afternoon, so there was no romantic sunset to set the mood, just clear, blue sparking water, and all of it was ours.
“So, I’m curious,” I said, tilting my head, “you said you can’t move anything solid without using a ton of energy…so how will you swim? I mean, you kind of have to propel the water.”
He squeezed my shoulders. “Don’t worry about that. It’s not like I can drown.” He smiled. I faked a smile, but I didn’t find it funny; I didn’t like to think of him as dead. He took off his shirt and dove into the water before I could get a look at his chest. I pulled the hoodie over my head and wiggled out of my shorts. I got a quick glance of his face as he took in my blue-beaded white bikini. Then I did a swan dive in, and floated to the surface.
He had nothing to say.
“Well?” I said, cocking my head. I observed him in the water. He wasn’t really treading or anything, I mean he was pretty much completely still and floating, as a stereotypical ghost would in midair.
“Well, what?” he asked.
I laughed and then dove under again. I turned and opened my eyes and saw him floating towards me, kind of eerily. It looked…magical. I’d even go as far as saying graceful.
My vision was blurred and unclear, but I knew he was smiling. I felt his fingers on my cheeks, and I followed the motion of him trying to pull me closer and kissed me softly. Water flooded into my mouth as our lips parted and he held me close.
Then my lungs started to burn.
I didn’t want to part from the kiss; it was so passionate and so romantic; I mean, come on, an underwater kiss! It doesn’t get better than that. His hands kept roaming my body, his lips kept moving with mine. I kept going until I couldn’t any longer. I rushed to the surface and sucked in as much air as I could, coughing.
“Oh, God, I’m sorry, I forgot! I’m such a dumbass!” He said, hugging me.
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” I said, laughing. “You’re not a dumbass, and that was the most amazing kiss I’ve ever had.”
He smiled, reassured. “Let’s go dry you off.”
We swan back to the dock and sat. I was dripping, and even though he looked soaked, there was no puddle under him. I wrapped my towel around me and then leaned on his shoulder.
“So how many other guys have you kissed?” he asked me.
“Um…a lot. Not intentionally, I mean I’ve gotten drunk a couple times and kissed a bunch of people-” I stopped. “Like the night you died.”
“You were drunk that night?”
I nodded, guilt taking over me. I killed him that night, because I was drunk, and here I was leaning on his shoulder in our own private place.
“Okay, well, what about real kisses? Guys you’ve dated?”
“Besides you,” I said, swallowing around the lump in my throat, “seven.”
He laughed.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing.”
“What about you?”
“I’ll be honest. My first and only kiss was in kindergarten when we were playing ‘wedding.’”
“Seriously?!”
“Yeah. I never really dated any other girl.”
“So…the other day was your first legit kiss?”
He nodded. “Hey, at least I got to have it at all.”
It was kind of sad to me, that he had to wait until he died to kiss a girl.
“What about girls you’ve dated?” I asked.
He shook his head.
“Did you ever even ask a girl out?”
“Nope. I never had a girlfriend before you.” He froze after he said it. “I- I didn’t mean…um…I don’t know…”
I was smiling, but I didn’t realize it. “So…I’m your girlfriend?”
“Well…if you want to be.” He smiled nervously.
We looked at each other. I couldn’t say anything, but I was sure he could read the “yes” in my eyes.
“I’ll be honest with you, Taylie,” he whispered, “I’ve never really liked any girls before you.”
“Really?”
He shook his head. Our faces were inching closer to each other.
“I knew I liked you when I saw you, I just didn’t think I had a chance. I mean, you never even saw me. I just thought it was pointless, so I just admired from afar.”
"Well," I said, "for a guy who's never dated anyone, you're a surprisingly good kisser."
We laughed at my joke, our foreheads pressed together.
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“For what?”
“Never talking to you when you were alive.”
I kissed him deeply. I truly was sorry. I was sorry he never got to have a relationship for real. I was also sorry I was the reason he would never get to.