Snapdragons By His Grave

His fingers were braided tightly with mine, but my hand was completely numb to his touch. My whole body was numb, and it wasn’t because of the cold. I was scared.
We stood there, at the end of the street, hands clasped together. My breath was puffing out in front of me. I noticed after a while that I couldn’t see Cayman’s breath, and then remembered that he was dead and couldn’t breathe. Because of me. He was dead because of me.
We were looking for his house, like I had promised him I would help him do. “Let’s go,” I said to him. He nodded. I could see the fear in his green eyes. They seemed to glow in the moonlight.
We took a step forward. Then another and another. I could hear my feet hitting the ground; his footsteps sounded far away and almost fake.
His house was four blocks away from mine. I’d passed it a few times while going off to keg parties at Renee’s house while her parents were away. I remembered my first keg party; I was thirteen and going to the middle school. I was so concerned with being cool and trying to make a name for myself even before high school. Renee was a sophomore then, my age. She knew how to drive and had an amazing boyfriend and lots of cool friends, she got away with looking older than her age and sneaking into adult parties and bars. She had a beautiful car, she was gorgeous, she was rich and she was popular. She was my idol. But of course I didn’t tell her that. I went to the party with Kaela and Traci and had my first drink. Liam Junning gave it to me; he was Renee’s best friend’s ex. He was really cute and I wanted to impress him. I wanted a gorgeous high school boyfriend. I wanted a reputation.
I talked to Liam for a while, and I liked him. He handed me the red plastic cup with the amber liquid inside. I took a sip and tried to pretend it was nothing. But I took too big a sip; it burned my throat and seared my tongue and made me want to throw up but I held it in and blinked away the tears and swallowed the cough. Liam was too hammered already to notice. I got my first kiss that night. I don’t know if it was the alcohol or what, but everything felt tingly and glowy, even though his lips tasted like bile and I didn’t know jack about what I was doing; where was my nose supposed to go, what do I do with my tongue, am I supposed to close my eyes, when am I supposed to breathe? By the time I graduated and got to Atlantica High, everyone knew my name. I was little Taylie who kissed Liam at Renee’s kegger. I had achieved my goal. Kaela and Traci automatically became popular for being my best friends. Everyone flocked to me. Cayman kept his distance.
Until now, when we were pressed together for warmth and walking, both shivering from a messy mix of cold and fear. Standing with him, I realized how shallow and pathetic my goals were. My only goal now was to keep Cayman and keep him close, forever.
I stopped. This was it. I’d recognize it anywhere. It was the blue house at the edge of town. The lights were on. I could hear a woman crying. The curtains were open and I could see that it was his mother, sitting at the kitchen table with her face in her hands, weeping softly. Upstairs in the bedroom, his sister was sitting by the window rocking the baby.
He was smiling. He pulled me into a hug. “Thank you, Taylie.” I hugged him back. Was this it? Was he going to go inside and never come out? Was this how he was going to finally go to Heaven?
“Go inside,” I said. “talk to your mother.”
He looked at me, beaming, and nodded. He kissed me. I kissed back, drawing everything out of the kiss just in case. I held his hand as he walked up the walkway, not letting go until the last minute. He walked through the door (literally) and he was gone.
I waited. I waited for five minutes. Ten. Twenty. An hour. Two hours. When I checked my watch again, it was two in the morning.
He was gone. He’d found his house and he had found peace. I’d just lost the one true love of my life. Tears sprang to my eyes. I’d just given him up. Everything was over.
Would he find out in Heaven that I’d lied to him? Would he hate me? When I finally got there would he want to spend eternity together or would I be alone for the rest of forever?
Should I have just told him the truth while he was here? Would I have lost him anyway?
Well, it didn’t matter anymore. He was gone. It was too late now.
I got home. Everything was so much duller. Nothing had light to it anymore. Nothing had purpose.
I walked upstairs to my room. He was gone and he wasn't coming back. I had to accept that the love of my life was over.
I turned the knob and walked inside to face the rest of my life alone.
And just like that, a flame slowly came back to life, from a small bead of heat to a dancing stream of light.
He was there, by my bed.
“Cayman!” I ran to him and hugged him, kissing him as hard as I could. I choked out words through my sobs, how I thought I’d lost him, I’d never see him again, how I couldn’t live without him.
“It’s okay, Taylie,” he said with a weird look on his face, “it’s okay. I don’t think I’m going anywhere…”
“What do you mean?” I wiped the tears from my cheeks and neck.
“Well, when I walked through the door, I looked around, I tried to find my mother and my sister and neice…and then I realized I wasn’t home. I was here.”
“W-what? But we went to your house…”
“I know. But I think I get it now.”
I looked at him and nodded for him to explain.
“When I was alive I was completely head over heels for you, Taylie,” he said, smiling shyly. “I would always be thinking about you. I was so comfortable when I thought of you, it just calmed me down all the time. It put me to sleep. It kept me going. It was everything I needed.
“When I died, I just kept trying to find my home and I ended up here, with you. I would see my house, and when I walked in it wouldn’t be my house, and I think I’ve finally figured it out…Taylie…home is you. When I’m with you, I’m home, wherever we are. We belong together and not even death can stop that.”
I was crying all over again. I threw my arms around him and kissed him again. He lifted his hand and wiped my tears, looking into my eyes. I waded into the ocean of green in his eyes, let it surround me, drank in the color. He gently brushed my lips with his, and whispered “I love you” softly against them before kissing me.
When we finally pulled away, he looked at me again and I could tell that he meant it. I faked a smile, but I couldn’t be genuinely happy. I really, truly loved him, and I told him that, but I couldn’t be happy, no matter how tender and beautiful this moment was.
Cayman said I was home for him. That meant his home was built of big, menacing bricks of lies. Once one came loose, everything would crumble. It would kill him emotionally, which was the only part left of him that could be killed. It would kill our love, and it would kill me.
I couldn't tell him. There was no way in the world I could tell him if I wanted him to stay.