Over It.
Over It.
Walking through the mall, there were couples everywhere. It seemed that in the not-too-small-not-too-big city of Toledo, Ohio, the Mall was the only hot spot for a midsummer Friday night date. Some of them walked hand in hand while others were wrapped in each other’s arms on the benches outside of the various stores.
But, with each couple, Brandon’s heart jumped more and more. But he didn’t mind the older couple’s displays of affection (as his friends often laughed at) or the newlyweds holding hands while getting a snack at the smoothie bar. It was something else that made Brandon cringe and avoid looking at the happy couples that could walk through the mall hand in hand.
He knew he would never be able to do the things everyone else took for granted. It wasn’t one of those things that he thought would never happen because he didn’t have anyone or wasn’t the ‘affectionate’ type. He knew it was something that just couldn’t be.
Brandon knew he was gay.
He had known for a while. When he was younger, he thought it was something that everyone felt. He thought it was okay to think another boy was pretty. To even want to kiss that boy like daddy kissed mommy. He didn’t realize it wasn’t normal until middle school, when he first found out what ‘homosexuality’ was in health class. Of course, he didn’t say anything, but he knew exactly that was what he was. He wanted to tell people, but he never knew how to tell people, especially after that day in health class. His classmates were audibly disgusted at the teacher’s lesson, even when, to their knowledge no one in the room was the way the teacher described. They made jokes and didn’t pay attention to what the teacher was saying. In high school, Brandon had no doubt that he was different from his parents, his friends, even his little brother, but he could never bring himself to tell anyone. He’d heard of teenagers being thrown onto the streets after coming out to their parents, or even kids attempting suicide after bullying started at school. He’d rather hide himself from the world then be killed by it.
So, he knew he’d never be able to walk in public holding hands with the person he loved. He never would be able to go to the movies or out to dinner with a boyfriend. He’d never be able to tell his parents he was getting married, even if gay marriage was legalized. The burden of secrecy was almost as bad as the actual facts. He cried because he could never marry, and he cried harder because he could never tell people why he couldn’t marry. The burden weighed him down physically and mentally. He usually fought back the urge to cry when he saw things that reminded him of his predicament, but today was different.
Today, he saw that one of the numerous couples was made of two men. It was the first time he noticed anything like it in public in his city. He was just going to the mall to go with a few of his friends to walk around, but the couple always seemed to be nearby, no matter where Brandon and his friends went.
For awhile, the only person in the group that noticed the couple was Brandon, but eventually, Nathan, one of Brandon’s ‘best friends’ noticed also.
“Dude! Look at that!”
The other teenage boys turned and looked at what Nathan was pointing to: the two men holding hands in the store.
Since the other guys were looking, Brandon also looked at the couple more closely. They were older than Brandon, but only by a few years. They didn’t look like the typical homosexuals that Brandon’s friends usually stereotyped. One of them was dark haired, and tan, well built and tall, while the other was slightly shorter and thinner, and light haired. They complemented each other nicely. Brandon thought that even if he weren’t gay, he would have believed them to be a cute couple. Once, the dark haired man caught Brandon’s eyes and smiled, but he pretended not to notice the other gaping and pointing boys.
“That’s disgusting. I don’t wanna look at that,” Kyle, another friend said loudly.
“Yeah, I didn’t know they allowed faggots here,” Nathan replied, quickly turning toward the door.
With that word, Brandon stopped walking. He wasn’t particularly paying close attention to the conversation, but he knew that that word was a huge no; both for him or anyone else that supported gay rights. Brandon sensed that the two men also heard the word with the quick facial change and the way the light haired man clenched the shirt he was holding a bit too tight. But, within a few seconds, both men fazed back into their careless facial expressions.
“C’mon,” Nathan said, already near the front of the store. “Let’s go, the smell of pansy is too strong here.” Nathan didn’t bother quieting his voice, just as his friends didn’t bother quieting their laughter and agreement.
Brandon tried his hardest to keep his face normal, but he knew that he was visibly holding back a grimace. “It’s not that bad,” he argued, “better than two old guys holding hands,” he added half-heartedly.
“I’d rather have my eyes gouged out than have to see any two guys do that, or anything else like it.” By Nathan’s change of voice, Brandon knew that he was getting angry, which was something that happened far too often.
“It’s not their fault.”
“Bull shit. They can choose to fuck whoever they want. It’d be just as easy to get a girlfriend.”
Brandon visibly cringed. “No they can’t! It’s who they are,” he spat, getting slightly louder. “And it’d be easier to find a girlfriend than a boyfriend, so why don’t they?” Brandon turned threw his hands on his head and ran his fingers through his think blonde hair.
“They must like to be different, then.” Nathan’s voice wasn’t his normal voice. He wasn’t angry, as Brandon thought he would be, but Nathan was accusing him of something.
Brandon wanted to back off and leave the store, but it was too late for that. He was already half way, and he knew that a sprint to the finish was all he needed. “Yeah, they do. They don’t want to try to hide themselves and fit in the mold. They don’t want to be judged by us, but they want acceptance by us. They want to fall in love someday. They don’t want to sit by and watch other couples hold hands while they can only hope that one day, it’s acceptable. They want to be able to get married. They want to be able to live together, and raise a family with the person they love, no matter what gender they are.” Brandon stopped and took a breath, feeling his heart pounding against his chest. Brandon was so close. He felt the weight on his shoulders lifting, but with every second that Nathan glared at him, gravity fought to push his burden back down. Brandon turned, afraid that the tears in his eyes would fall in front of his biggest critics. Behind him, he saw the two men watching him. They both had similar expressions. They weren’t fully smiling, their faces showed acceptance to Brandon. It was the extra shove that Brandon needed to throw the burden from his shoulders. “We want the same things you want!”
Brandon took a deep breath as his former friends reacted to exactly what he said. He watched their faces change from confusion to everything from sadness to anger. But he didn’t care; the only thing keeping him from flying out into the sky was the roof. His heart was still convulsing inside his chest, but his shoulders could finally breathe.
“You’re the same as them…” Nathan trailed off. His face was the most disgusted of them all. “You fag.”
The insult stung, but Brandon shrugged. “Some dudes marry other dudes,” he said, “Get the fuck over it.” He turned away from the group and towards the couple, who had stopped listening and were both looking at a rack of men’s shirts. He busied himself looking at several pairs of jeans until he was sure his ‘friends’ were gone. As he was getting ready to leave, he looked at the couple. Both men smiled at Brandon as they saw him look up.
The dark haired man walked over and handed him a card. On it was a support group leader name, a number. “If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call.”
Brandon smiled, letting the tears fall out of his eyes. He thanked the couple and walked out of the store, then out to his car. He was free, and he had never been happier.
But, with each couple, Brandon’s heart jumped more and more. But he didn’t mind the older couple’s displays of affection (as his friends often laughed at) or the newlyweds holding hands while getting a snack at the smoothie bar. It was something else that made Brandon cringe and avoid looking at the happy couples that could walk through the mall hand in hand.
He knew he would never be able to do the things everyone else took for granted. It wasn’t one of those things that he thought would never happen because he didn’t have anyone or wasn’t the ‘affectionate’ type. He knew it was something that just couldn’t be.
Brandon knew he was gay.
He had known for a while. When he was younger, he thought it was something that everyone felt. He thought it was okay to think another boy was pretty. To even want to kiss that boy like daddy kissed mommy. He didn’t realize it wasn’t normal until middle school, when he first found out what ‘homosexuality’ was in health class. Of course, he didn’t say anything, but he knew exactly that was what he was. He wanted to tell people, but he never knew how to tell people, especially after that day in health class. His classmates were audibly disgusted at the teacher’s lesson, even when, to their knowledge no one in the room was the way the teacher described. They made jokes and didn’t pay attention to what the teacher was saying. In high school, Brandon had no doubt that he was different from his parents, his friends, even his little brother, but he could never bring himself to tell anyone. He’d heard of teenagers being thrown onto the streets after coming out to their parents, or even kids attempting suicide after bullying started at school. He’d rather hide himself from the world then be killed by it.
So, he knew he’d never be able to walk in public holding hands with the person he loved. He never would be able to go to the movies or out to dinner with a boyfriend. He’d never be able to tell his parents he was getting married, even if gay marriage was legalized. The burden of secrecy was almost as bad as the actual facts. He cried because he could never marry, and he cried harder because he could never tell people why he couldn’t marry. The burden weighed him down physically and mentally. He usually fought back the urge to cry when he saw things that reminded him of his predicament, but today was different.
Today, he saw that one of the numerous couples was made of two men. It was the first time he noticed anything like it in public in his city. He was just going to the mall to go with a few of his friends to walk around, but the couple always seemed to be nearby, no matter where Brandon and his friends went.
For awhile, the only person in the group that noticed the couple was Brandon, but eventually, Nathan, one of Brandon’s ‘best friends’ noticed also.
“Dude! Look at that!”
The other teenage boys turned and looked at what Nathan was pointing to: the two men holding hands in the store.
Since the other guys were looking, Brandon also looked at the couple more closely. They were older than Brandon, but only by a few years. They didn’t look like the typical homosexuals that Brandon’s friends usually stereotyped. One of them was dark haired, and tan, well built and tall, while the other was slightly shorter and thinner, and light haired. They complemented each other nicely. Brandon thought that even if he weren’t gay, he would have believed them to be a cute couple. Once, the dark haired man caught Brandon’s eyes and smiled, but he pretended not to notice the other gaping and pointing boys.
“That’s disgusting. I don’t wanna look at that,” Kyle, another friend said loudly.
“Yeah, I didn’t know they allowed faggots here,” Nathan replied, quickly turning toward the door.
With that word, Brandon stopped walking. He wasn’t particularly paying close attention to the conversation, but he knew that that word was a huge no; both for him or anyone else that supported gay rights. Brandon sensed that the two men also heard the word with the quick facial change and the way the light haired man clenched the shirt he was holding a bit too tight. But, within a few seconds, both men fazed back into their careless facial expressions.
“C’mon,” Nathan said, already near the front of the store. “Let’s go, the smell of pansy is too strong here.” Nathan didn’t bother quieting his voice, just as his friends didn’t bother quieting their laughter and agreement.
Brandon tried his hardest to keep his face normal, but he knew that he was visibly holding back a grimace. “It’s not that bad,” he argued, “better than two old guys holding hands,” he added half-heartedly.
“I’d rather have my eyes gouged out than have to see any two guys do that, or anything else like it.” By Nathan’s change of voice, Brandon knew that he was getting angry, which was something that happened far too often.
“It’s not their fault.”
“Bull shit. They can choose to fuck whoever they want. It’d be just as easy to get a girlfriend.”
Brandon visibly cringed. “No they can’t! It’s who they are,” he spat, getting slightly louder. “And it’d be easier to find a girlfriend than a boyfriend, so why don’t they?” Brandon turned threw his hands on his head and ran his fingers through his think blonde hair.
“They must like to be different, then.” Nathan’s voice wasn’t his normal voice. He wasn’t angry, as Brandon thought he would be, but Nathan was accusing him of something.
Brandon wanted to back off and leave the store, but it was too late for that. He was already half way, and he knew that a sprint to the finish was all he needed. “Yeah, they do. They don’t want to try to hide themselves and fit in the mold. They don’t want to be judged by us, but they want acceptance by us. They want to fall in love someday. They don’t want to sit by and watch other couples hold hands while they can only hope that one day, it’s acceptable. They want to be able to get married. They want to be able to live together, and raise a family with the person they love, no matter what gender they are.” Brandon stopped and took a breath, feeling his heart pounding against his chest. Brandon was so close. He felt the weight on his shoulders lifting, but with every second that Nathan glared at him, gravity fought to push his burden back down. Brandon turned, afraid that the tears in his eyes would fall in front of his biggest critics. Behind him, he saw the two men watching him. They both had similar expressions. They weren’t fully smiling, their faces showed acceptance to Brandon. It was the extra shove that Brandon needed to throw the burden from his shoulders. “We want the same things you want!”
Brandon took a deep breath as his former friends reacted to exactly what he said. He watched their faces change from confusion to everything from sadness to anger. But he didn’t care; the only thing keeping him from flying out into the sky was the roof. His heart was still convulsing inside his chest, but his shoulders could finally breathe.
“You’re the same as them…” Nathan trailed off. His face was the most disgusted of them all. “You fag.”
The insult stung, but Brandon shrugged. “Some dudes marry other dudes,” he said, “Get the fuck over it.” He turned away from the group and towards the couple, who had stopped listening and were both looking at a rack of men’s shirts. He busied himself looking at several pairs of jeans until he was sure his ‘friends’ were gone. As he was getting ready to leave, he looked at the couple. Both men smiled at Brandon as they saw him look up.
The dark haired man walked over and handed him a card. On it was a support group leader name, a number. “If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call.”
Brandon smiled, letting the tears fall out of his eyes. He thanked the couple and walked out of the store, then out to his car. He was free, and he had never been happier.