Don't Get Lost in Heaven.

June 16, 2006. Friday.

I was sitting on the couch with Danny and Tom watching somthing on the TV, I was half asleep when he came home, extreamly early.

"Oli why are yeh 'ome so early?" Tom asked him.

I didn't speak to him anymore unless he spoke to me first.

"I dropped out." I sat up quickly looking at him.

"Yeh what?!" I yelled standing.

"I. Dropped. Out. Are yeh fuckin' deaf?"

"Oli! We 'ave a baby on the way an' the best idea you can get is to drop out of shcoo'?!"

"Sweet heart, you 'ave a baby on the way, no' me."
I just looked at him until he walked away and up the stairs. I felt sick and my heart fell. I went to the bathroom and threw up, Danny had followed me and he poured some mouth wash in a little dixie cup.

"Here yeh go." He said when I looked up at him, resting my back against the wall. I took the cup and gurgled spitting it out into the toliet flushing it.
Danny helped me up and out into the living room so I could sit on the couch.

"I didn' think he actually made yeh sick."

Tom joked.

"Well 'e does. Yeh brother is a piece o' shit Tom."

"I know."

XXX

Oli didn't bother to share the news with me that his band had been signed, had he told me that I wouldn't have gotten so angry with him. Instead when Matt got home he was the one to tell me, and even better they were having a party tonight. They hadn't had a party in this house since I had been pregnant but they have to have one tonight.
I can smell the smoke from cigaretts, and joints. I can even smell the beer, whiskey,a nd vodka. IT makes me feel sick but I don't vomit... Just my head spinning and my stomach wanting to empty.
I had told Danny if thier were drugs, which thier would be. That I wanted him to go to bed, and I knew he would comply. He hasn't used anything since he's moved back in.
I wanted to go find him and have him come sit with me but he was probably having fun, talking to girls or whatever it is he did.
I decided I didn't care who he was talking to I wanted him to come spend time with me while everyone else was making complete fools of themselves.

I walked down the stairs carefully, there were people all about sitting on the steps and just standing all down the hallway, usuallly people weren't aloud upstairs unless to use the rest room in which case they were escorted up and down.
When people saw me they would smile, touch my stomach and tell me that I was cute. They knew I was pregnant becaus eMatt had told a whole load of people and here talk spreads like a flesh eating virus.

I made my way down, into the living room. Oli was on the couch with girls, nothing new. He was kissing one of them and when he saw me he pushed her away and turned to another girl.
Danny wasn't in here. The kitchen was next place to look. He was talking to a girl, like I had suspected. She looked up seeing me, his back was turned to me. The girl laughed and pointed to me, she wasn't laughing at me though. Danny turned around and looked like he was slightly pissed off. He said somthing to the girl and walked up to me.

"Are yeh a'right?"

"Uh yeah, 'm fine."

"Yeh cryin' Sierra." He rubbed his thumb under my eye and hugged me.

Im crying? I didn't even notice.

"Will yeh 'ome up stairs with me?"

"Yeah, 'old on."
He walked back over to the girl and she nodded hugging him goodbye, and she actually left.

"Come on."

We walked up the stairs, again people touching my stomach and saying hi.
We walked into mine and Oli's room and Danny shut the door behind him sitting on the bed with me.

"So?"

"Nothin' 'm jus' bored..."

"No Sierra, why are yeh cryin'?"

"I didn' even notice tha' I was cryin'."

"Is it Oli?"

"Well. I guess so. He was kissing a girl when I went down there. It's like 'm pregnant but it's no' his problem and 'm really tired of him doin' this to me."

"E's a piece of shit Sierra, wha' more do yeh expect?"

"I don't know Danny... For 'm to treat me like a human an' no' a dog."

XXX

I woke up the next morning in Oli's and my bed cuddled up with Danny, when I looked at him he was awake. He was playing with my hair until I sat up.

"Yeh fell alseep las' nigh'... I stayed 'ere with you."

I smiled.

"Thank you Danny."

"Don' worry about it yeh know it's like five in the afternoon yeah?"

"Really?!"

"Yes... Ben is 'ere... Oli's band is playing a show somwhere today apparently. 'E told me not to come and not to wake you up."

"Oh...When did Ben get here?"

"He was 'ere last night."

"Oh, I didn' see 'em."

"Well 'e was 'ere."

I got out of the bed and walked down the stairs, I could hear him and Tom talking. When he spoke I always smiled.

Somtimes I wish I could see my future... To know if i'll still be here taking orders from a drunken asshole... I want to know if I'm going to be alone to take care of our son, I wonder if I'll even be able to take of him, and then I get scared. Then I hope that maybe someday I have the courage to get up and leave, but I really doubt it.

I walked into the living room and straight to the kitchen, for some reason I didn't like for Ben to see me fat, and pregnant. I poured myself a glass of milk and sat at the kitchen table. Ben walked in waving at me.

"Stand up an' let me see you."

"No... Im gross."

"Oh please! Yeh not gross 'ome on I want to see your fat belly."

I laughed and stood up, he came closer to me and put both of his hands on my stomach.

"Yeh fuckin' huge... When is 'e suppose to pop out?"

"November..."

"Oh.. Awesome."

"I guess..." I sighed and Danny walked into the kitchen saving me from this moment.

"Ben. 'Ome on Tom is goin to smoke and I want to beat your ass on Halo."

"Yeah righ'!"

They both walked into the living room, I sat at the table sipping at my milk watching them play the game... I felt sad and I didn't know why.