Tough Guy

I had always loved sports, but from afar. I was a pretty athletic guy and could hold my own, but I’d rather watch than participate. Fighting, however, I’d join in whole-heartedly. I had a temper, but it was more the thought of using my body to break down that of my opponent. The violence wasn’t even that appealing. I simply liked to have control and by the time I became an adult, I had earned a reputation as being a tough guy.

I really wasn’t though. Who would have thought under that façade there were an artistic mind and a goofball? That I was passionate about music and love and funny and . . .gay? No one but my friends and that was what I liked about it. I could slip in and out of that role as a badass whenever it suited me.

There was a time when it did suit me to stay in it and that was around Matt Sanders. We were forced to endure each other’s company three times a week for band practice. I had been reluctant to join the uprising little band, but had let my best friend Jimmy talk me into it, only to find out I had to have Matt’s approval. That hadn’t bothered me that much until I walked into the garage (seriously, a garage?) for the first practice.

Matt was slapping away at a bass, his rough voice booming over the sound of it and Jimmy’s drums. At nineteen, the guy was all chiseled abs, hard chest, large muscles, and a voice like honeyed gravel. The thought alone irked me because I normally was into twinks, not studs. It irritated me even further when the guy didn’t pause in his playing or singing when he saw me; he simply arched an eyebrow on a face that was as easy on the eyes as his body. When the song they were working on ended, he finally spoke up, “Who’s the pansy?”

“Who the fuck you calling a pansy? Forget it, Jim, I’m outta here-“

“You must be Brian. Jimmy, you didn’t tell me he was a make-up wearing fairy.” Matt chuckled.

“Matt, shut up. You’re being a dickhead and you’d hurt Zacky’s feelings if he were here.” Jimmy frowned at Matt. I knew for a fact that they were friends and band mates with that Baker kid and anyone in Huntington Beach knew he was gay. Did Matt rag on him that way?

“Well he’s not. Jimmy, man, you can’t be serious about this guy. One fag in the band is enough.” Matt growled.

“Two seems to be working out pretty good for us.” Jimmy smirked and Matt’s face blanched white before it colored.

“What? Is Brian your boyfriend or something?” He quickly retorted.

“No, Jimmy’s too tall for my tastes. And, fucker, don’t worry. I wouldn’t want to be in this pathetic excuse for a band in a million fucking years.” I scooped my guitar case up to leave the place. What a fucking prick, man!

“Shut the fuck up, both of you. Matt, would you just listen to Brian play? He’s really great. Brian, play and then when Zacky gets here, play some more with him and see how you really fit in. Not how you think you’re going to, but how you really do. I already know I love playing music with you.” Jimmy sighed.

I did too and bent to get my guitar out, doubting it was worth it. Matt sat down on a stool and folded his arms across his chest. He wasn’t really interested in what I played, but I was going to change that. I fiddled around a moment, before I played a rift that had Matt’s head jerking around and him staring at me. Jimmy grinned a little because he knew I was a natural show off and had grabbed Matt’s attention accordingly.

I grinned back just a little, kind of proud to have made Matt look and gape but I didn’t want to seem like I liked it too much. Matt may have been incredibly good looking but he wasn’t my type and, so far, came off as a complete asshole. I finally wound down, “Well?”

“Well, I’ll be fucked if I’m giving up on talent like that. We’ll just duct tape your mouth shut or something. And no fucking fairyness.” Matt warned.

I frowned at him, a little confused. Why in the world was Matt calling me a fairy? I may not have been as hugely built as the other man, but I was pretty big in my own rite, sporting my fair share of muscles. “Look, man, I don’t know what your problem is but I don’t want to play for someone who can’t accept me for me.”

“I accept you, I just don’t want it shoved in my face all the time. Zacky respects me enough to tone it down. That’s all I ask of you too.” Matt shrugged, “If you can do that, things will be cool. If not, then might as well start walking now, Haner.”

Jimmy’s big blue eyes pleaded with me. He wanted me there and mostly likely thought it would all work out in the end. I loved his best friend and trusted him, but would it really be worth having to put up with Matt’s bullshit. I sighed, “Alright, I can try, though I’m no exactly sure what you have a problem with.”

“The make-up? It’s cool onstage and Zacky looks good in make-up. You look like a cross dresser.” Matt smirked.

I laughed a little because that’s what you get for letting Brent try his hand at make-up, “It’s not normally so thick. I let someone else slather it on today. Alright, I understand. Thanks. So when does Zacky get here?” At least I’d have a kindred spirit here.

“He might not show today, he has to work.” Matt sighed and stood up, “I’m going to go get a beer. Jim, want one?”

“Sure.” The tall guy grinned and practically leaped over his drum-set. He never passed up an opportunity to drink.

To my surprise a bottle of beer was dropped into my hand a few moments later and I struggled to keep a hold on it. Matt chuckled, “If you’re too pansy to drink it-“

“I’m not. I just wasn’t expecting it. Thanks.” I twisted it open and drank a long gulp, eyeing Matt over the bottle. I couldn’t help but laugh, albeit silently, when Matt’s face turned red and he turned away. Maybe what Jim had insinuated was the truth and Matt was just as gay as me, only in the closet.

The tension ran high through every practice, even the ones where Zacky was there. It was worse sometimes then because Zacky and I were quickly becoming close friends. The jade-eyed, left-handed guitarist would roll his eyes when Matt would look at me, get up, and come back with a washcloth. I would wipe the eyeliner from my eyes even though no one said a word about Zack’s and would hand it back to him cheekily. Finally, after months and months of this, Zacky spoke up, “Matt, why are you such a douche about that? Brian looks good the way he is and what does his eyeliner have to do with his ability to play music?”

“It doesn’t, I just told him I didn’t want his . . .lifestyle shoved in my face.” Matt smirked, “You respect me, I respect you, you know that, Zee.”

“Yeah, I know a few other things too, Matt.” Zacky smirked back, “And you’re just being a cockwad to be one. Besides, no one is shoving anything in your face. Straight guys can look just as good as Brian. Unless you’re either gay or think you’re ugly . . .though I’ll have to disagree on that one.”

Matt was now thoroughly confused, you could see it all over his face. He spoke up after a moment, “What are you getting at?”

Jimmy laughed, “Dude, Zack’s saying he thinks both you and Brian are both hot and if you think only gay guys can look hot, then you must be gay!”

“Fuck you, Zack.” Matt laughed too, “I get it. It’s not it enhancing his looks that bothers me. You know that.”

Zack shook his head, “Then drop whatever it is because it’s kind of insulting me too. I mean, if you have something against Brian’s sexually and he’s all male, then I’d hate to know what you think about mine.”

Matt frowned, “Zack, man, I love you like a brother. I’d never do anything to insult you on purpose-“

“Then drop it.” The softer-faced man commanded and turned to face me, “Can we go over Warmness on the Soul again? I want you to take it over for the video.”

“What? Why?” I frowned at him. Sure, I was pretty good, but Zacky had been a part of the band from the beginning. Why would he want me to take his place for their first ever video on their first ever ballad?

“Cause you’re better than me and . . .honestly? I get really camera shy. I’ll play on our next one and there will be a next one.” Zacky shrugged and lead into the song. I quickly caught up and took over. Matt seemed unable to keep quiet when Jimmy went to the keyboard and joined us. He automatically started the song up and it wasn’t until later that I found out what the real deal was.

Zacky and I had just finished helping set up the set for the video shoot going on the next day and had decided to go to the park and hang out until we were ready to go home. Matt was off somewhere with some skinny, big boobed chick and Jimmy had to go to work, so it was just the two of us. Zacky sighed as he leaned back in the grass, one arm under his head, “I don’t want to do this tomorrow, Bri.”

“Why not, hon?” I had become comfortable with Zacky’s feminine side and had to tamp down on an urge to encourage it. I was genuinely attracted to the guy Zacky seemed to be. I stretched out on my side and smiled as I pulled Zack’s shirt down to meet his baggy jeans.

“Because it has that chick Val or whatever chasing Matt around during a song that he wrote for me.” Zacky shrugged, “It just feels so fucking wrong.”

“What do you mean, wrote for you? It’s a love song- oh. Shit.” I got it now. Matt may have not been full flown gay and certainly wasn’t what he’d term a “fag” but he was definitely into guys. Guys who looked and acted like Zacky if what he’d just said was true, “Well, what happened there?”

“Matt and I are just friends because, as great looking as he is and as sweet as he can be . . .it’s hard as fuck to be with someone who refuses to acknowledge you’re a couple outside of his bedroom or yours. He loves me, I know he does. I can tell when we’re anywhere around each other and when he sings that song, he’s all about the eye contact but . . . I’m out and proud and obviously gay. He can’t be in love with me to anyone who might criticize him because he can’t take criticism. At all. You saw that the other day when I told him he was being a douche. It about killed him.” Zacky smirked, “He’s use to being perfect, bodily anyway, and works hard at it. I love that about him but hate it at the same time. He is truly a dick sometimes.”

“Like most of the time toward me.” I sighed, “Though I don’t know how he could let you go for any reason. He was lucky to have you.”

“Thanks, Bri.” Zacky smiled down at him and leaned in to kiss my cheek, “You’re a sweetheart.”

I made a face, “No, I’m not.”

“Sure, tough guy, you’re not.” He laughed and I kissed his cheek back.

The next day we shot the video and I could see the sadness in Zacky’s eyes several times. They were moving some equipment and would be taking a while right after what had to be a pretty hard part for Zack, so I walked over and slung my arm across his shoulders, “Super-douche is having a hard time performing today.”

He smirked at the nick-name, “I noticed. He’s normally spot-on and emotional when he sings. I’m glad its fucking with him a bit. They’re talking about a sunset scene with you. Capture all that masculine beauty.”

“Shut up.” I chuckled, “I know what they’re doing and it’s fine. I’ll go along with it. Now what are we doing for lunch?”

“I guess we’ll just call out to get some pizza or-“

“Fuck that. Let’s me and you go get something. Let them fend for themselves.” I rolled my eyes.

“Brian, they’re our friends. That’s not nice. Besides, you know what they’re already saying right?” Zacky’s gaze hit the floor.

I lifted his chin, “Let them talk about us, I don’t care. I’m flattered they’d ever think we could hook up. You’re entirely too pretty for me.’

“Thanks.” He huffed out a laugh and slung his arm around my waist, “Okay, let’s go.”

Matt’s head shot up as we walked past him, “What are you two doing?”

“Going to get some lunch.” I smirked at him and lead Zacky out to the sound of him growling lowly in his throat. Looked like someone wasn’t happy with me stealing away his “fairy fag”, now was he?