If We Don't Die Today

I awoke to fighting.

“Last I checked, you weren’t God!” yelled the voice of Kobra Kid with more anger than I’d ever heard him use. I heard a slam – him pounding against a wall, probably.

“You’re my brother! You shouldn’t fucking lie to me like that!” Party Poison’s voice growled.

I pulled myself up from the bed in one of Dr. D’s fortress rooms, peeking out the window. I saw Kobra and Party having a scary-looking face-off, glaring at each other. Dr. Death-Defying was stumbling out of his shack to see what all the ruckus was about.

“Why did you?” Party Poison yelled. “We all thought you hated her!”

“Maybe I don’t!”

“I can see that now, you stupid prick!”

“Don’t you dare call me that.”

“Boys, boys,” Dr. D said tiredly, stumbling over to the two. “What’s going on? Let’s calm down and explain, alright? You’re going to wake up the whole fortress.”

“Let them hear,” Party hissed. “Let them hear that my brother is a fucking manwhore! I don’t care! I don’t fucking care! I hope you get killed by some Dracs, you useless piece of shit!”

Kobra Kid lunged at Party Poison, only to be held back by Dr. Death-Defying. He growled and stepped towards Party again, but Dr. D was too quick and snapped at them both to shut up. “You boys are sitting down right now and telling me what the fuck is going on.”

Dr. D practically shoved the two into the dirt. He was the only one who remained standing. “When you’re ready to talk, I’m going to listen.”

“Kobra Kid stuck his tongue down Atomic Battery’s throat and said she made the move,” Party Poison said, keeping a deadly gaze on his brother.

“You’re letting a crash queen get between you two?” Dr. Death-Defying said in disbelief, almost annoyed. He stared at the two angry Killjoys as if trying to figure out what was going on in their heads. “I get she’s a pretty little lady and you boys don’t get as much action as you’d like bein’ a refugee and all. But are you really letting her get between you two? You’re brothers, for chrissakes.”

“Not anymore,” Kobra said, spitting in Party Poison’s direction.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” sighed Dr. D.

In the meantime, I was sitting there, shocked. They were fighting over me. No one had ever fought over me before. In a way, I felt sickeningly flattered, but at the same time, I felt terrified. What if this broke up the group? What if they couldn’t get their shit together? What if they wouldn’t help me find Rory? And when did Kobra Kid stop hating me?

“How about I go in there an’ get her, because you idiot junk punks probably woke ‘er up already, and she makes the decision right now? If she actually wants either of you at all,” Dr. Death-Defying said threateningly.

“No!” the brothers shouted in unison.

“Alright. Then go to bed and don’t you dare start this up again. Especially not this late. It’s four AM and most of us like sleeping around this time. Figure your shit out later.” Dr. D looked at the two darkly and helped them up, walking them back to their rooms.

I stumbled back to the bed and fell onto it, staring at the ceiling. I had no idea what the fuck was happening. It was making me nervous and confused. I knew that if this kept up, I’d have to do something.

I didn’t want to have to deal with this.

It was bad enough having one of them hate me, how the hell would I deal with both of them loving me? And fighting about it?

I needed some sleep.