Love Is An Art

I spent most of my Sunday in my room, crying. I can't believe I can't kiss Casey anymore. Liz was coming in and out of the room to check on me and bringing me food. She came in again at about 3:30 when I was laying on my bed in the dark staring at the glow in the dark stars on the ceiling. I had my headphones in, so I didn't hear her come in. It was when she turned on the lights and I screamed and fell off the bed did she catch my attention.
“What the hell Liz?!” I asked looking at her and rubbing my head and eyes. She stood in the door way with her arms crossed while tapping her foot.
“Why are you still moping around the room? Did you know Casey was bugging me all day? He kept saying that you wouldn't pick up your phone and that he left you a bunch of text messages and voice mails.” She walked in the room and sat at the foot of her bed which was next to mine, leaving our room door wide open. I stood up and sat back on my bed.
“I don't care if he misses me. Plus my phone is dead and I can't find the charger.” I said stretching across my bed.
“Then what is that?” she asked pointing to my phone, sitting on my nightstand, plugged into the wall by its charger.
“Oh, that’s where I left it.” I laughed sheepishly. “Look Liz, I’m just not feeling it.” I said climbing under my covers and covering my head.
“How long are you going to keep up this little charade? Obviously you still like him, I mean look at this!” she picked up my phone and turned on the screen. “You still have him set as your background on your phone. You still love him so go talk to him so he can leave me alone!” She grabbed my covers and threw them on the floor.
“Listen Liz, you wouldn’t really know how this feels, ok? Every time you had a boyfriend, he stayed faithful and true to you, and only you. You would break up with them after you found small things about them you didn’t like. Now you’ve got that kid Ray wrapped around your finger, but you won’t go out with him because his hair is green!
“You know nothing about how I feel right now.” I said standing up “I actually cared a lot for Casey, so much that it actually hurt whenever he would pick on me. The past years of me hating him was just a way for my heart to protect itself. Do you know how it felt when I saw Jessica and Casey in the hall like that? I was hurt. It was as if Freddy Kruger reached into my chest and ripped my heart out, tore it apart and then stuck it right back in, leaving it to gather all different types of infections as a way to kill me even slower. Then he took his claws and ran it right through my gut.”
Lizzie had this horrified look on her face. She looked as if she didn’t want to hear anymore, but I felt the need to keep going: “And then to have him run away without trying to talk to me was even worse. He hid from me! The girl he was supposed to have liked. I felt so useless. I still cry. He made me feel as if I didn’t matter to anyone, like I wasn’t really a person. I felt so low, lower than dirt, lower than the gross nasty bugs that fester and breed in the dirt. You know what I did yesterday and early this morning? Yesterday when I went to sleep, I actually wished not to wake up ever again. After I actually woke up, you were gone, so I went to the bathroom and took apart my razor.”
“Jude, please tell me you’re not doing that again. Jude?” I avoided her gaze and held my arm tighter to my body. Liz walked over to me and pulled up the right sleeve on my pajama shirt, revealing red slashes across my wrist and forearm. “Jude, I thought you were past this! Why did you do this?” she asked me.
“It gets worse.” I said holding out my other arm for her to pull up the sleeve on that one too. Carved into my left arm were the words ‘I will NEVER be truly loved’. She let out a gasp and walked away from me.
“Jude, just tell me one thing. Why? Why did you revert to doing this?” she asked, some of her words faltering.
“Because it reminded me so much of when Liam broke up with me, it was so harsh. I told myself that I would never get into that kind of situation again, but to my dismay, I’m in it again.” I said sitting back on my bed.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” a voice said from the doorway. It was Casey, his eyes full of tears and his face full of remorse. “Why didn’t you just tell me that I caused you so much pain?” he walked in and wrapped his arms around me. It was warm and inviting, but I pushed him away.
“Don’t touch me.” I said backing away from him. He loomed over me, a dark shadow of depression. I looked closer at him. He hadn’t shaved today, so he had a whiskers (it was kinda sexy, but that wasn’t the point right now) and his hair wasn’t combed right, and he had dark circles under his red and puffy eyes.
“Judy, please just take me back. I’m a wreck without you.” He held out his hand for me. I backed away again. “Jude, don’t play this game again with me. We both know how this is going to end up.” He said with a slight smirk on his face. I looked up at him with somber eyes.
“Well then, since we both know how this is going to turn out, let’s just end this now.” I said turning around and walking into the bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind me. I bet he wasn’t expecting that. Casey started banging on the door. “Jude? Jude, come out, please.”
“Not until you leave. I’m telling you, I don’t like you anymore so get out of my room.” I shouted through the door.
“Judy, please don’t play this game with me.” He said banging on the door.
“Lizzie, make him leave!” I yelled through the door. I could hear her talking very low through the bathroom door and then the front door to our dorm close and lock. I opened the bathroom door and say Lizzie just standing there with her back turned to me. “Dr. Liz, I need some help.” I said in a low voice.
Lizzie turned around and grabbed her big first aid kit that she kept under her bed. She’s kept this thing handy ever since the first time I started cutting, always making sure everything in there was still new and useable. We sat on her bed while she applied peroxide and alcohol on my cuts, then wrapping them with gauze and bandages.
“Hey Jude, you didn’t mean the things you said earlier, did you?” She asked working on my other arm.
“No. All of my words were said in a fit of rage. I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry Liz. I didn’t mean what I said. Are you still my friend?” I asked smiling at her.
“Of course I’m still your friend, no matter what.” She hugged me tight, being weary of my arms. “But about Ray, is that really how I’m acting?”
“Oh please, you’re such an icy bitch to him you could freeze the Olympic torch.” We both laughed.

The sun peeked through the curtain in our room the next morning. It was Monday, which meant we had to go to classes today. I had half a mind to stay in the room again today, but I wanted him to see. I wanted Casey to see the broken person he had created. I woke up before Liz, showered and gotten ready. We spent another ten minutes re-wrapping and bandaging my arms.
On the way out of our room, Jessica and all of her nasty friends passed by us, looking at me in utter disgust. That’s what greeted us as we walked to the cafeteria for breakfast, people looking, whispering, laughing and pointing at my arms. News about mine and Casey’s break up had spread like wild fire throughout the school. I was mentally giving the finger to a lot of the people we passed.
When we had gotten to the cafeteria, Casey was sitting with his friends, sad and depressed with those same dark circles around his eyes. One of Casey’s underclassman friends tapped Casey on the arm and pointed at me, his face mimicked Liz’s like when she first saw the slashes. I must have looked a sight to everyone, tired and puffy eyes from crying and staying up all night, and white bandages and gauze running from the tops of my elbows on both arms and down to my wrists.
Liz and I sat at a different table today, isolated in a corner and far away from everyone else, so no one could talk to me about my bandages. Today’s breakfast was Belgium waffles with whip cream and your choice of fruit. Liz picked out some strawberries for me and apples for her.
“Hey, did you hear? This Saturday we’re all going to the state park to go camping. Isn’t that great?” Liz said with the biggest grin on her face.
“Yeah, but I’ll never understand what’s with you and the ‘Great Outdoors’.” I said holding up air quotes. I’m not what you would call a wilderness person. I’m a city girl, but if Liz was happy with this, then I guess I could put up with it, just for her.