Cemetery boy

****

He pressed his lips together tightly. As if he were contemplating...I can’t see his eyes in this light...

And then he kissed me

I let out a breath, and pulled away. He looked different, darker somehow

“Look, I can’t” I whispered to him, scared that the devil might hear me speak in this dark place

“Why?” His eyes were wide in innocents and hurt

“You’re not human, you’re wrong and unnatural” The words slipped from my mouth before I could stop them. Brendon’s face changes: it is no longer innocent—it’s quite the opposite

“...Like you’re natural” he bites back “...You hardly have a heart or a care for anyone but yourself”

The words hurt. A lot more than I let show.

“Just go away. I only want to be alone”

Brendon’s eyes narrowed “You really need to get out of the habit of lying to yourself

“Fuck off Brendon, no one likes you” A weak remark I know

He smiles. It’s not his normal genuine one...instead it’s a fake smile that looks remarkably similar to my own “You like me. But you’re giving yourself excuses not to like me because you’re too afraid to fall in love with someone”

...afraid. Afraid? He thought I was scared of something?

I kiss him back passionately just to prove point: it was horrible and lovely and I regretted it almost as soon as my lips touched his

“I’m not afraid of anything” I managed to hiss

He didn’t reply, just breathed in and out deeply. The shock of me saying that I suppose...

I’d torn apart the moment with my bear hands; I made it ugly and something to be ashamed of.

“Just stop” he whispered “You obviously don’t want anything...pure or real in your life”
It was in this moment that he stepped back into the darkness that was behind him. It swallowed him whole.

*****

I woke up cold. And Alone. Always alone.

The very first thing that I saw was a note by the side of my table

“Sorry, something important came up, I’ll be back as soon as I can. Love.”

I looked at the last word for longer than necessary...before forcing myself to crush the paper into a ball and throw it into the bin. I’d got the message—it didn’t mean anything now. It was silly the way I wanted to fish it back out again, fold it out and keep it somewhere...as if I needed some sort of memento that this ever happened. I can’t bring myself to say that word back to him, as soon as you say that you love someone it’s like you’re caught in an invisible web.

I walk down the sunlit stairs, everything seemed too cheerful and bright and beautiful for someone like me. Dad was still asleep on the couch with the TV blaring. A news flash, there had been a fire in a hospital in the Cities west. No one knew the exact number of the people that had been killed; it was however known that over seventy people were in the building at the time.

I turned the television off quickly. My breath caught in my chest. Somehow the silence that met me was worse. It reminded me too much of my dream, any death of any sort made me think of him.

For the first time in two days I got ready for school. I needed a distraction.

Nobody noticed me walk in and out of the classrooms that day. It hurt me in a way that it never had before. All I wanted was to be noticed, for someone to poke me in the ribs and remind me that I was alive

I saw Jon and Spencer on my way to the back of the classroom in Science. I paused by their table for a moment, as if I were seriously considering sitting down with them. I throw that thought to the back of my mind. They should never have forgiven me in the first place; my punishment was that I was never allowed to talk to them. No matter how much I wanted too.
I walked past them quickly. I could feel both their gazes fixed on the back of my head. When I turn around to face the desk at the back of the class their still staring, my lip twitched.

Brendon’s made me weak. I began walking toward their desks as if in some sort of trance

“Do you mind if I sit here?” I couldn’t even force a smile for them

Spencer and Jon stared at me for a moment before slowly nodding. I couldn’t look at them at first. It felt as though I was in physical pain

“Look I’m sorry for everything...” I finally managed to say...yeah, thanks a lot conscious

It’s god to know that when I fall to hell I can now say “yeah I fucked up my entire life—but then I apologised to these two fucks I knew since kinder garden” I can imagine the response “Won’t stop God from cutting you down”

I stood up suddenly, startling them both—I think I could have smiled and they would have fainted...I didn’t though, remember—I cut with words

“I’m sorry that you ever thought that I actually liked you ”...if you want to go to hell you might as well do it properly and tear apart everything you see, I was about to continue when Spencer interrupted me. To say quite simply:

“Ryan” , it was the first time I’d heard him speak in so long

“Look, just...please” his eyes were so big and pleading.

It was safe to say that his voice made my heart fill with panic, it made me feel like doing something empathetic and courageous. Instead of doing either of those things I walked out of the classroom just as the teacher was walking in—she didn’t take it to heart as I walked away, to be hoest I think that she was rather relieved . So it surprised me to fell a hand come down on my shoulder

“Ryan, come with us, come on”

It was Spencer and Jon standing besides him. They’d run out of the class to find me

“Please”, their voices were muffled as if I was drowning and underwater.

I felt the guilt, weighing down in me. I gave a single nod of my head and crossed my arms over my chest. On anyone else the action would have looked threatening; on me it just gave the impression I was trying to stop myself from falling apart.

On any other day I probably would have smiled at the rebellion of simply walking out of the school. However I wasn’t really in the mood for smiling when they led me to Spencer’s car. As soon as Jon got in he flicked the radio on, Spencer smiled

“Loveline...really Jon? Really?”

Jon laughed easily “Remember that time they had this chick that talked about her boyfriend that would meow during sex?” Spencer let out a choked laugh

“I thought that was you’re girlfriend”

I smiled despite myself; Jon’s obsession with his cat was somewhat disturbing

“I’m still disturbed about the guy with the bagels” both Jon and Spencer turned round to look at me

“What?” they both shouted “What could you possibly do with a bagel?”

I raise my eyebrows and give them both a grin while they both howl with laughter. I can’t bring myself to laugh with them, just smile distantly

I turn my gaze to the window. I haven’t talked to them since the beginning of this year, after I first heard the news of my mum. I pushed everyone away and locked the door. It seems Brendon had picked the lock and drafts of people were now floating in. It annoyed me that I didn’t have a problem with this.

“Ryan...Ry?” I snapped to attention at the sound of my pet name, it seemed as a shock hearing from Jon. The car was parked outside his house. I walked up to the door in silence.

“Um. Look, we need to apologise” Jon began as he led me into his living room

I shake my head and reach for the trusty cigarettes. My hands were shaking so much that I had a lot more trouble then I should have to light it before I finally looked at the two of them. I took a long drag staring at them. It was only afterwards that I realised that I was smoking inside

“Shit sorry” I muttered and took the cigarette from my mouth

“It’s okay” Jon said lightly, dismissing my action easily as the hallway filled with my smoke. I attempt to make conversation

“So are you two together now? Or still denying you’re love”

To my surprise Jon smiles “You haven’t changed that much—I’m making some coffee” and he walked into the kitchen.

As he did this he turned the television on. Again it was on the fire that had been in the hospital

“Confirmed that 67 people are died due to the fire at the hospital, fire men are still fighting the blaze—“

Automatically I change the channel, to something with a blue box and a tin dog, Spencer smiles awkwardly and sits down—he was just about to make small talk I felt my pocket vibrate, it took me a lot longer than it should have for me to finally realise:

“Oh, that’s my phone!” I reach into my pocket and turned the other way so Spencer couldn’t see

*Ry, sorry I left you alone and cold this morning but something came up. Stay as long as you want at Jon’s house—just please meet me at the cemetery before going home, it’s a surprise for the mortal ;)
*Bren

I smiled when I read it. It was creepy yet somewhat cute that he always knew where I was. In doing so I gained the attention of both Jon and Spencer

“When someone is doing the sneaky sexy smile while looking at their phone it’s insulting not to tell their friends” Spencer states with curiosity all over his face

“Well...umm” Both were looking at me now and I can feel a blush in my cheeks

“well, you remember that boy—the one that’s new to school”

Jon smiled “The one that wears those incredible tight jeans and the really sexy leather coat?”

“Yup—that’s the one”

Spencer stared at Jon for a while “Are you sure you’re not gay?”

Jon pulled a face “Dude I love the female anatomy too much”

I fight back a laugh “You say that and you don’t even have the courage to say vagina—you’re talking about it as if it were Lord Voldermort and “you know who”

Jon glared at me while Spencer delicately sprayed coffee over us all with his laughter
“...Anyway—this guy, do you like him?’

“Of course I like him” I say immediately “I just don’t know if I...look can we not have this conversation right now” They both nodded and quickly turned the conversation about the new Batman movie.

****

I don’t know for how long I stayed there but by the time I went outside it was dark

“Bye” Jon said for a smile

Before adding “You have to bring Brendon around...he sounds cute, in a hot “I’m not gay sort of way”

“Sure, sure” I say with a smile

I’d been smiling so much lately, it felt strange. I walked off into the night, I used to stay there as a child before my mum would call me back home at around 9. I walked past my house which was coated in darkness and to the cemetery. Funny that it was just at the bottom of my street.