Love Is Hard

The next day I went over to my mom's to go apologize to Jess. She was my sister and I knew she didn't mean it the way she said it.

When I got to my mom's she answered the door, "Where's Jess?" She replied, "Upstairs crying, she has been since I got home last night, I think her mood swings are getting to her too though." I handed Ali to her and she smiled. "Let's go to the kitchen Ali-bear." she laughed.

I went upstairs to the guest room Jess was in. I knocked on the door, "Come in," she said softly. I went to sit on the bed next to her and started to speak before she even could see who it was.

"Jess, I'm sorry for freaking out, I didn't mean to, it's just when you talk about Dylan like he wasn't even there, or ever was, it hurts. I know because I miss him. I have to wake up to a part of him everyday. I have to dress her and feed her all on my own. I have no time to see friends and I practically lost my friendships because of it. I have no contact with anyone except the people in my apartment. Justin was the first guy I spent more than an hour with besides dad after Dylan died. I can't just replace him. He can't be replaced, he will never be replaced, he was special." By the time I was done speaking I had tears falling down my face, I knew I said what I needed too.

"Ava, I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have been so rude. It's just it's so difficult trying to have a perfect life. I get no sleep, I have no time for anyone. This was like a vacation for me, even if I had to bring David and the kids. I want to move from New York, his parents are there but we see them every weekend and almost everyday, they watch the kids while we're both at work. I can't see you, mom and Ali for more than 10 minutes without having to leave. I miss this, us just hanging out like sisters. The last time I remember really seeing you was when you were 12. Now 8 years later I can't see how we didn't see each other. I have 2 kids, you have a kid. Why haven't we spent more time together?" She confessed it all to me.

"I know why. You went to New York, you got married 5 months after, you had Jackson 4 months after that. You were pregnant with him when you came right out of college. Everything was there for you. David was there for you. I wasn't a part of your life at that time. You couldn't care. You were 22. Why would you come back home and visit your boring family in Michigan?"

"Ava, I was never a good sister," she said embarrassed and crying. "Jess you were the best sister, I had you from the beginning. You were what I had when mom and dad got divorced you were all I had. Leaving 2 years later might not have been the best but look at you now, your having twins, and by the sound of it your happy and geez, I'm happy that your happy. I just want to find that you know? I want someone to love me like Dylan did. He was the only person I really had. Now Aliah is. I don't know if I could live without her. She's the only connection I have to him." I said crying more than I was before. Then I continued, "The other day when going to order her cake she ran off, I had never been so scared, ever. Justin got her, he told me nothing was going to happen to her. I don't know if it wasn't for him that she would have even had a 3rd birthday."

"See Ava, thats why you are so important. Ali may not know now but you are the only person that she has, that little girl may be Dylan's but she never had Dylan, she only has his DNA. I'm not saying replace him, but put someone in that spot before she gets older and asks why all the other little girls have daddies and she doesn't." We hugged. This was the first time since our parents divorce that I actually felt close to Jess. It was strange.

After we got done talking we planned to go out for dinner tonight. Mom, Jess, David, Jackson, Danielle, Ali, me, and Justin. Yes. She made me call him. He said yes and we were meeting at the restaurant at 6:30. Jess said she liked Justin from what everyone was saying, meaning mom.

I went home and got ready to go out, I put Ali in a cute little dress and some new shoes my mom got her for her birthday. "Ali are you ready to go out?" I asked her and she got all excited and nodded her head up and down. I was curling my hair and Ali came over. "Mommy can you curl my hair too?" I smiled. The way she looked, she reminded me of him so much. I couldn't just go out tonight like he wasn't a big deal. Dylan was everything. He still was. Pictures of us were in my house, on my nightstand, and in Ali's room just so she knew what he looked like, who he was. There was a video we made for the baby before he died. She was too young to see it. I didn't want her to see it yet.

I began to curl her hair. It was soft. Never as soft as mine was. After that I finished myself and got ready to go. I went over to my mom's and they were all coming out the front door. They were going over to the van that Jess and David had rented while they were here. I took Ali from her car seat and carried her over to the van with the car seat in the other.

I was sitting in the back with her and my mom. It was a squish but we made it. Ali smiled. "Where are we going?"

I replied quickly. "Out for dinner with everyone before Auntie Jess and Uncle David and your cousins leave. Justin's going to be there too." I said the end quietly.

My mom looked at me, "Don't bring him into your life if he's not staying. It's not good for Ali." I shook my head. "Don't worry, after tonight I'm sure we won't ever have to deal with him again."