Setting You Free

The funeral didn’t seem to last as long as I thought it would have, and in a strange way, I was disappointed. I wanted it to continue on; I didn’t want to have to finally see the men lower the casket into the ditch. I didn’t want to have to finally take my rose, kneel down, whisper my final goodbye, and throw the flower onto your brand new resting place.

It didn’t feel right to have two mothers by my side - my own, and hers - both of which were clinging onto my blazer, sobbing. Everyone was crying, except for me. Do you want to know why? Because Stephanie Anne Harlow hated to see me cry. To keep strong and hold a brave face was her favourite thing about me, (so she once told me) and I was determined to make her proud. So, there I stood, the only person out of the few tens that had tearless eyes.

It seemed fitting that the area where Stephanie was put to rest, was neatly tucked away under a willow tree, as requested. There, she would have her own space to sleep, to stay dry. Well, she’d always be dry, but I would’ve liked to think that she would be walking around this place in no time, watching over her family, her friends. Watching over me.

There we stood, listening to the priest as we all gathered around one side of her own, new ‘personal space’, my hands clasped together, all of us listening to the priest. Each one of us had had our turns to whisper something to her - to throw the rose. I had gone last, with her mother, where the both of us had whispered our own, personal ‘I love you’s, and other quiet promises, and together we threw our roses. Her father had gone just before us, as her parents were no longer married.

Stephanie’s death was, actually, quite sudden. She was one of those people who, after talking to her for five minutes, you feel like you’ve known her for years. Or, that’s what it felt like for me. She’s also that type of person who, after they’re gone, you’re thinking, ‘This is a dream. This isn’t real.’ You think somebody so harmless and sweet can last forever, so when they do leave you, it seems impossible. She died of cancer, and had lived way passed the amount of time the doctors had estimated. We all thought she was going to be okay, but our hope was destroyed after the doctors had phoned her mother to deliver the news that on the 27th June 2010, she had, in fact, passed away.

A light hand on my shoulder had knocked me out of my rueful thoughts - a few of which were some fond memories - and I turned my head, staring at Max, who in return, nodded at me. I hadn’t even realised that everyone was beginning to turn and slowly walk back to their cars, but now that I had, my eyes were immediately being pricked with tears, so tempted to fall, but I shook my head, blinked them away, and looked back at the ditch. “Just, give me a moment to speak to her, yeah?” I murmured, looking at my best friend with pleading eyes.

Understandingly, Max nodded his head once more, letting out a soft sigh as he patted my back. He slowly turned, and I watched as he made his way over to the car that You Me At Six had arrived in. I diverted my gaze after the guitarist had finally slid into the car and closed the door, and I slowly made my way back over to Stephanie’s resting place.

When I reached it, I stood still, staring down at her casket, which had been littered with beautiful roses. Even now, I never let one tear go, and instead, I sat myself down on the grass and crossed my legs, staying completely silent. This isn’t what I wanted. I wanted to be able to suddenly spill everything I felt about her since the day we began to get serious, but even back then, I was such a pussy. The most I could manage to her was a weak, “I love you”. She took my breath away.

I must’ve sat there for some time, just thinking to myself about us - me and Stephanie, and the memories we had - because I was soon shaken back into reality with, yet again, a hand on my shoulder. I looked up, only to find that this time, it was Elissa, my sister. She was just a few years older than me, and she, too, was quite a good friend of Stephanie’s. I sighed, quietly and bit my bottom lip, staring back at the coffin, which to her, must’ve been a silent invitation to sit down beside me, because that’s exactly what she did.

It was silent for a further two minutes, before Elissa spoke up, softly.

“You really loved her, didn’t you?”

I was almost tempted to chuckle, but my rueful mood had that put on hold. I nodded, instead, and twisted my lips to the side. I never really admitted it to anyone, not even Stephanie, but I knew others could tell, just by the way I spoke about her, and the way I looked at her - held her. She was my everything, and although I knew I couldn’t tell her exactly that, I at least tried to show it.

“So much.” I croaked, finally, my head lowering as I stared at my hands. Just the thought that they once held Stephanie’s sent a shiver down my spine, and my stomach knotted up with anger, and sadness. I knew that I should’ve stayed over at the hospital, to have seen her before she passed away, but with knowing that I didn’t… I absolutely hated myself. “So fucking much.” I whispered, my voice cracking.

Elissa bit her lip, and I could feel her eyes on me, and so I looked up, only to be pulled into a side-hug from her. Other times, I probably would’ve shook her away in annoyance, but for this specific time, I leaned further into her side, closing my eyes as more tears threatened to fall. “You’ll get through this.” she re-assured me, her voice soft as she stroked my arm. “We’re all here to help each other get through this.” she paused. There was a few more moments of silence, and to lighten up the mood a little, I could feel her smile against the top of my head, and she murmured, “I just think of that one memory.”

I pulled away after hearing this, and stared at my sister in bewilderment. “What do you mean?” I murmured, my voice sounding so dry. Well, I hadn’t used it in a while.

Elissa just shrugged, lightly, and looked down at the grass she had began to tear out of the ground. “I just think of one memory that will, for sure, make me smile.” she explained, then looked at me. “Like, there was this time when me and Steph went to the beach, yeah? And… I don’t know, that’s just my favourite thing to think about. We told each other our biggest secrets that day - secrets that not even my own friends know - and it was just lovely to have someone I could trust.” she paused, and laughed, softly. “Not that I can’t trust any of my friends, it’s just… I felt like she would keep them, no matter what.”

I smiled, very slightly, and stared back down at her casket, thinking of my own favourite memory. It was hard, but the one that came to mind was one that I, strangely, remembered like the back of my hand.

The time was probably way passed midnight, the air was cool, and there we lay, shoulder-to-shoulder, in the middle of the park, just opposite Stephanie’s house. It was the middle of summer, 2009, and it was really about the time when You Me At Six were really making it big. My hands were folded behind my head, hers folded on top of her stomach as we stared up at the pitch black sky, littered with bright, twinkling stars. I was convinced that they were just planets, or something of the like, but not Stephanie.

She read so far into everything, but that’s what I loved about her - besides her smile, the way she laughed, the way she called me ‘Joshua’ if I was annoying her (and sometimes purposefully). In my eyes, she was just… perfection. She turned her head and looked at me, her eyebrows arching.

“You know,” Stephanie began, her voice soft as she looked back up at the sky. “I heard, that the brightest stars in the sky are the souls of those who loved you the most.” she finished, and you could practically hear the smile in her voice.

I craned my neck, my eyes landing on her, and I smiled, removing one hand from under my head and slowly sliding it into her nearest one, lacing our fingers together. I then gave her hand a light squeeze and looked back up at the sky, letting out a content sigh through my nose.

Everything seemed perfect.

I looked up at Elissa, and a small smile appeared on her face. I sent her one back, and I knew that she realised I just wanted to go home. So, together, we stood up and embraced each other in a huge, comforting cuddle, before the two of us walked our separate ways, to the two different cars. I climbed into the car I had arrived in with my band mates, and just as I hoped, everything was silent.

I buckled myself in and stared out of the window, my ocean blue eyes staring longingly at the ditch as Dan turned on the ignition, slowly driving behind my parents’ car, exiting the cemetery with dull hearts.



It had been a year - just. You Me At Six had gotten bigger and better and everything seemed to be looking up, however the cemetery seemed bare. What with the band being on tours, non-stop, and just getting home from staying in LA for three months, I had no time, whatsoever, to visit Stephanie. But, today, finally, I was doing it.

It seemed almost perfect that our secret show in London had also fallen on this day, and so I left straight from band practice and rushed to the cemetery. Upon arriving, I took quite a while just staring at the entrance before actually walking over the threshold, and once I did, I mentally puffed up my chest and told myself: “You’re ready for this, Josh.”

However, all of my positive thoughts (such as silly things, like, “She’s probably missed you, too,” and “Be a man, she doesn’t wait around for pussies,”) had disappeared when, for the first time, I stopped just a metre of so away from the headstone, which after I knelt down, I realised had read:

Stephanie Anne Harlow
1991 - 2010
A kind and loving granddaughter, daughter, and girlfriend

Forever in Our Hearts

I couldn’t deny the tears that had blurred my vision, and I quickly wiped them away with my nimble fingers, sniffling. Even now, I still remembered to put on that brave face, but it seemed to be getting harder and harder to pull off. I shuffled over and sat myself down, readjusting my beanie hat and pulling my hood over the top, my fingertips nudging my nose as I prepared myself to say something… anything.

And, finally, for once, I did.

“Steph,” I began, my voice shaking. I pulled the sleeves down over my knuckles and left my hands to pile up in the middle of my crossed legs. I stared up at the headstone, my eyes squinting, ever so slightly, at the light wind. Fuck, this was harder than last time. “I… I miss you.” was what came out, first, my little fringe blowing into my eyebrows with the breeze. My eyes travelled down to look at the flowers that had been left, and obviously frequently changed, and I couldn’t help but smile, gently. “A-And, I love you.” I paused, almost as if I was waiting for her to reply from under the grave with something smart-ass-y, like, ‘about fucking time, doughboy’. I laughed quietly, just being able to imagine her saying something like that. ‘Doughboy’ had been a nickname for me that she seemed to like using, ever since I began to complain about my weight. But after a moment, when I realised that, no, that wouldn’t happen, my laugh began to fade, and my sad smile returned. I inhaled, brushing my fringe out of my eyes, tucking it further under my beanie, and licked over my lips. “So… You Me At Six have finished recording their third album. Steph, this is our third album!” I exclaimed, excitedly, a sudden grin on my face as I stared at the picture of her on the headstone. It was then that I noticed somebody - either one of the mother’s, or Elissa - had placed a framed picture of me and Stephanie sharing a New Years Eve kiss, back at the start of 2009. I remembered that I had asked her to, officially, be my girlfriend back in 2007, and she accepted. We had been best friends since way before then, but it helped a lot to know that I could hold her the way I wished to for so long, whenever I wanted, or even needed to. And, again, my sad smile was back, and I lowered my head, watching my hands. “Wow… third album. We’re really making it big, now, Ste. I mean, really. Played some big places in the past year, which is why I haven’t come to say hello… we’ve been recording bits and shit in L.A, believe it or not.” I grinned, zipping my hoodie up a little higher.

After that, it was silent for another few minutes, and I realised that that was all I ever seemed to be doing. Creating silence. I sighed, and I knew my expression was one of hurt, but masking it with a small smile wasn’t too hard. “You know… I’m not going to lie; I’ve had, er… a stupidly massive crush on you since I threw up all over your favourite shoes and you punched me in the face.” I admitted, quietly, and even I found myself chuckling, my hand reaching up to rub my cheek. “Fuck, you had a good swing, too.” I whispered, more to myself, though she would’ve been pleased to know. “So for you to become my girlfriend was fantastic.” I added, my voice cracking as I looked at the framed photo of the two of us kissing, again. I missed her, a lot. “Anyway… I should probably get going, now.” I whispered, nodding my head as I began to stand up. There was a moment where I just had to stand and stare at where she had been buried, thoughts of her being trapped in that casket embedded in my mind. I shook the thought away and licked over my lips, a heartbroken smile on my face. “The boys and I have a secret show, tonight. It’s… it’s basically focused on cancer.” I paused, itching the back of my neck. “So… I want to see you there.” I forced a small smile, though my lips tightened as my eyes bubbled with tears, and I turned on my heel. However, this time, as I walked away, I let them fall.

No, I wouldn’t see her there. But I prayed she’d be watching over us.



“I was once told, that the brightest stars in the sky are the souls of those who loved you the most… this song is for one of the sweetest girls I know.” I murmured, my voice scratchy and sore from the songs we had previously done. I smiled, sadly, just remembering when she had actually told me that, and licked my lips. This was our last song for the secret session at Kingston Peel. “Our best friend. Rest in peace, Steph; this is for you, baby.” I added, taking a small peek upwards, towards the ceiling, as if wishing for her to be there - which, I was. The song started, and with the crowd clapping, it seemed a breeze, though when it came down to the final chorus, my voice disappeared, and the rest of the tears I had earlier held back before re-entering the venue, immediately began to roll down my cheeks. I remembered ducking my head to avoid the fans seeing, my hands wiping the tears away and drying my fingers, briefly, on my shirt, before singing the second-to-last line.

“And I don’t know who I am, when you’re sleeping with… him.”

I couldn’t bring myself to end it completely with the line, “It’s true what they say… you went and threw it all away,” and instead, kept my eyes shut and rested my forehead on the microphone, a tired sigh leaving my lips. To myself, I mimed a small ‘I love you’, the picture of Stephanie on the headstone in my mind as Max and Chris continued to play their guitars, the same melody repeated, softly.

After a moment, I backed away and followed Matt and Dan off the stage, rubbing at my eyes to get rid of the tears as my two band mates grouped together, pulling me in for a hug. It was lovely, but it certainly didn’t stop the tears. I tore away from the hug and murmured a small ‘thanks’, before grabbing a plastic cup of freezing water and heading outside, onto the roof. I could still hear Max and Chris, their guitars belting out that soft melody from the end of ‘Fireworks’ as I looked up at the sky.

And there, just like I had hoped, was a bright star in the sky, shining. I couldn’t even begin to cry anymore, and instead, just stood there, smiling up at it. “The brightest stars in the sky are the souls of those who loved you the most, ‘ey?” I murmured. “Well, then, Stephanie… I hope I did you proud, baby.” I whispered, my lips tightening into a small smile as the guitars slowly faded out of the melody, and the crowd inside screamed.

I continued to smile, watching as the star, for a brief second, got a lot more brighter, as if replying. I nodded my head, and ran a hand through my hair, whispering, “I love you, too.”