Not Your Everyday Story

Where am I? I thought when I first woke up, I’m not in the same boring old white room anymore. Ugh, my head hurts, I need some aspirin. Slowly moving like I’m in a dream, a nightmare I throw some clothes on from the unfamiliar closet and make my way groggily through the house checking each room trying to find the kitchen. I can’t believe I actually fell asleep/passed out, I thought I would have more time than that. You see, normally I get really bad nightmares so I end up staying up for enough days to make myself pass out. It’s not very healthy, but I would rather wait for several days to sleep than to suffer from nightmares.

Good thing I put my trusted black converse on, the floor is wooden slats glued together, and if there is one thing I know, it’s that hard wood floors are cold. How did you sleep? Yikes, I guess I found the kitchen . . . and Paul. I didn’t know how to respond, what does one say to a stranger who adopted you and was told you never talked? So I shrugged my shoulders up and down, no nightmares last night Pauly boy I mutter in my mind. You fell asleep yesterday on the ride over and I couldn’t wake you up, so I carried you to room. I hope that’s okay? Again I am dumbfounded, so again I shrug.

You could say it’s a queer business, refusing to talk. And it’s not easy either, but if it saves me from hurt in the long run, that’s all that matters. Some of the guys from my band are coming over, they want to get to know you, they’ll be here in an hour. I nod slowly. Ohmigod! I cannot believe this, besides for Avenged Sevenfold, Boys like girls is my favorite band. Well there the only two bands I listen to I guess. Cute locket, he comments.

My locket? Oh the silver one, yeah. It used to be Ashley’s, I found it after she was murdered and took it, I have not taken it off since. I have not looked inside it though, I am too scared to see whatever she put within it, but I still wear it everywhere I go. I wonder if he has read my file, he would know why I wear it then. A long time ago I had to see a shrink, and stupidly I made the mistake of telling him, everything I said was put on my permanent adoption file.

Well, I guess I better go wait upstairs or something, finish unpacking. Make the purple room mine, I am beginning to think he read my mind because I seriously love the color purple. I don’t have much, just some clothes and a picture of Ashley and me when we were little, before our worlds were blown apart.

Did you know there are supposedly five stages to grieving? After eight years since her murder I am on still stuck on stage one. Denial. I can’t admit she is dead, even during her funeral, I never once thought she was the D word. I still don’t, I keep tricking myself into thinking this all one big bad dream, that I will wake up some day in my bottom bunk crying and Ashley will come wrap her arms around me and hold me. That mommy and daddy never hurt me, that they love me still. Even though it’s nothing compared to how much they love Ashley.

Hey, uh, are you okay? Paul asks clearing his throat. I nod, my cheeks feel wet, am I crying? I don’t look up, I can’t, I don’t want to see his face full of pity. But then, the bed dips, how did I get on the bed? He puts his arm around me, I jerk hard, away from him. The last time someone did that, they reached around and touched my chest. I still may be flat chested, but hey, it’s still wrong. Just because I am flat chested still doesn’t make it right.

Is that you? His voice, his eyes soft. I nod, and, Is that your sister? I nod again feeling my body trembling and fresh tears falling.

She was raped and murdered, I say startling us both. I broke my rule, I talked, I am trusting, I don’t want to, I don’t know how. Sweetie, I’m sorry, so soft, so sad. He reaches for me but pulls back remembering my earlier reaction. I turn, I lean, I lean into his chest and his arms go around me. They don’t grope or wander, just sit there, just rub gently, lightly, ready to pull away at a seconds notice.

Is this trust? Does talking and letting him hug me mean I am trusting him? No, it only means he is my friend, but don’t friends trust each other? I don’t anymore, I don’t have the answers anymore.

Knock, knock. Well I guess the rest of his band is here, and by the sounds of it, trying to bust his front door down too. Hey Paul, you home? A voice yells in, damn however it belongs to sure does know how to yell. Go wash your face, I’ll meet you downstairs. And coming! He yells back chuckling before running out my room and down the stairs.

I sigh, might as well see how horrid I look and try to fix it. I walk into the bathroom, shit my eyes are red, I realize looking into the mirror. At least my face isn’t all puffy red and tear streaked, I splash it with cold water anyway. The redness won’t go away, oh well I can just say I was rubbing them. It is spring, I could blame it on allergies, they don’t have to know I don’t have any. Hey what they don’t know won’t hurt them, it’s not like I’m cutting or anything dangerous anyway, just crying.

Before I leave, I set my brave face and go out to bit the devil. I really hate meeting new people, it makes me feel all awkward and anxious because I don’t know what to say. Just thinking about it is making me start to sweat and feel nauseas. Don’t think about it Sky, I tell myself. If you can survive letting someone hug you, than you can survive this. They are only one of the most amazing bands ever girl, go get em, show em what your made of. Well I don’t want to, I respond back in my head. Too bad, you don’t have a choice that annoying sing song voice retorts back.

Yes I talk to myself, get over it. I also imagine my sister is going to come back for me one day, so shut it. Hi, a voice says brightly, Martin says. I wave back anxiously, his eyes soften. Oh uh, Skylar these are Martin Johnson, Bryan Donahue, John Keef, and you already know who I am. Anyways, these are the guys, guys, this is Skylar Karlow. He was nervous, probably wondering how I would respond. And all of a sudden before I could react, say anything, Martin threw his arms around me and I freaked. It didn’t matter if I liked the band suddenly, escape I needed escape, to get out of there. I elbowed him in the balls and ran.

Of course I was stupid and bolted to my room, locking the door behind me hiding under the small oak desk. I don’t want to get hurt, don’t let them hurt me, please. Voices, there were voices outside my door and-

-Skylar, Skylar please. Martins sorry, he didn’t know about your past, please let me in. I didn’t care, God himself could be asking me to open the freaking door and I wouldn’t move, wouldn’t budge, not one inch. Didn’t this used to be where you stored your guitars a couple years ago? Someone, I didn’t know who asked him, voice muffled by the door. Yeah, it was Paul. Don’t you have a key than? I didn’t know who was with him, I didn’t know the voice, just that it wasn’t Martin. I have that voice down, memorized, embedded into my head.

There was silence, I counted down from one hundred: 99, 98, 97 . . . . At 73, the sound of key in lock, a click, and door opening met my ears. I scrunched up tighter, closer, tried to control the awful shaking, but couldn’t. At least I wasn’t crying, just petrified. Skylar? He couldn’t see me, hasn’t found me, good. Be confused all you want Paul I am not coming out, or letting you know where I am.

Is she under her bed? The owner of the voice walked past me, blond hair, Bryan. I don’t know, why would she be under the bed? I smiled, held in a giggle, it was impulsive, I couldn’t help it. Why would I be hiding under my bed? Hmmmm lets see: I got attacked, kicked Paul’s friend in the balls, am scared, scared, and petrified. Yes I said scared twice, and petrified once, get the memo?

Because she’s probably scared, Bryans simple answer, yes thank you Bryan, I am. Quiet scared, in fact scared is an understatement of how I am feeling right now. I like Bryan, and no not in a sexual way, he’s too old for me. Yuck, 22.

I can’t believe they haven’t found me yet! I mean isn’t under the desk an obvious place, just because it is small doesn’t mean I won’t fit. Hello I am only twelve, I’m petite and too small for my age, I can fit in places most people couldn’t. Sadly I was too busy in my own head trying to calm down to notice someone kneeling down next to me, Bryan.

Watcha doing under this dusty old thing? His voice was soft, humorous, yet soft and gentle. She’s under the desk, what are you doing under there? Poor Paul, he doesn’t understand. He too kneeled next to Bryan, they were close, almost touching. I wonder if they are dating, but I am sure both men are straight. I shrug, back to old ways, bad habits, not talking, just shrugging.

Paul sighed, come back downstairs, please? I could tell he wanted me to go, but what about Martin what if he tries to jump on me again. I frown, now I’ll feel bad if I don’t, ugh, stupid guilt. I crawl out put my brave face on, and go back downstairs, back to Martin.

Sorry I freaked, I say when I see him feeling guilty. It was my fault, forget it, he smiles, I smile back. All is forgiven. Movie time!!! Paul screams. I wonder what where going to watch seeing as Paul is so unpredictable.

Anybody up for a scare? He asks looking around at us, I shrug, it’s okay, I can handle a nice scare. Great, scary movie it is then, John, go make some popcorn, it’s kind of sad to see an adult acting like such a kid, it’s like were playing reversed roles, Paul and me. I don’t mind though, if I have to be the adult one, then so be it. I close my mouth and sit down between Bryan and Paul watching amusedly as he scrolls through all the rated R movies.

Geez, back at the orphanage I wasn’t even allowed to watch PG-13 let alone R rated movies. Umm, Paul do you think it’s a good idea to watch an R rated movie with a twelve year old? Bryan said, Martin laughing, Paul making a face. I don’t mind, I’ve probably seen worse than in real life than in a movie, I state honestly. Paul laughs, Bryan mumbles something unintelligible, Martin laughs, John returns with the popcorn, and me I just sit there calmly ignoring them all.

Why not watch the Exorcist then? Immediately, no, says Bryan. You know, if you tell me I can’t do something it’s just going to make me want to do it more, I tell him honestly. You really don’t want to see it, he just says calmly back. Yes I do, Paul, play it, I more or less demand. Fine, but don’t say I didn’t warn you, like I would really do that.

But the thing is, I didn’t want to see it, not since I learned it was about a girl who gets possessed by demons. I may not believe in God or heaven, but I do believe in Hell and demons. I knew watching it wouldn’t be a very good idea, but I can’t help it, when someone tells me I can’t do something, I do it anyways. At least we were watching the old 1970’s one, so the effects wouldn’t be that good, or I thought at the time.

The music started at the beginning, the old eerie music, you know? The kind that kind of warns little kids, telling them they shouldn’t watch it, tries to scare everyone off at the beginning. My palms became sweaty and I couldn’t help but say that’s nasty at the part where the girl pisses herself. It gets worse, Bryan said back grimly. When her eyes rolled into her head and went completely white, I turned and buried my head in Bryan’s side. Because that’s how they found her, my sissy, Ashley, her eyes completely white. And all of a sudden I was gone again, completely and utterly gone transported to a part in my mind where I never want to go, the flashback side.

The sky was cloudy, the sun was hiding, I was four, mommy was crying, sissy was in a box. I didn’t understand, there was a man in black with a white collar standing over sissy, I was wearing a black dress. It was an open viewing, a funeral. I wasn’t supposed to be here, sissy wasn’t supposed to be lying dead in a box. No! Not dead, sleeping, she is sleeping and any second she will wake up and jump out surprising us, well not me. Mommy walked up to the strange box sissy was laying in and put some flowers in her hand.

I love you baby girl, I will never forget you, then she left, walked away from the strange place with the big rocks in the ground and out the black gates into the black stretched car. Other people walked up, said strange things, then it was my turn. I know you will wake up soon sissy, I said looking at the pretty dress she was in. I was too little, too young to comprehend that dead meant dead. After everyone said things like rest in peace and we will never forget you, the man in black, the demon, closed the lid. And began to lower the casket. No, NO!

I remember screaming then: stop, what are you doing? She’s just sleeping! Then I ran over to box, the casket, opened the lid. Sissy, sissy, wake up, WAKE UP! I pulled her eyes up, opened them for her and screamed. They were white, you could not see the blue, that brilliant beautiful sparkling blue that we were both blessed with. That’s not her, that’s not my sissy, that’s not Ashley, My voice was a shrill ringing you could hear for miles. I’m sorry, daddy told the devil man, the man who put her six feet under and buried her in dirt. Then he picked me up kicking and screaming and threw me into the limo, and punched me. It was the first time daddy had ever hurt me, the first time of many more to come.

I’m not sure what brought me back, but I have an idea. You okay? Bryan asked concerned, I shook my head, but kept it there against his chest, his arm around me the rest of the movie.