Unrequited
Such A Tease
Oh death, why do you tease us so?
You try to take people who don't deserve it, people who want to live, who have the will and longing to live, and you often succeed. Then there's all the bad people left in the world, or the depressed who just want to disappear.
Why won't you take me?
I've never tried to commit suicide before-I'm much too weak for that. I'd think of my friends, my family, what I could grow to be and back out of it, like all the other things I try and go ahead with. I've thought about it though. I lie in bed and stare at my ceiling, the dark disturbed by the harsh landing light and think 'What world is this?' I dream of being free of all these problems, dream of belonging.
I never thought it would work out like this. When I met Gemma, I didn't think she would kill me. I thought she was a plesent, pretty girl with big dark eyes and a cute smile. She became my best friend. We grew closer, and closer still. I plucked up the courage and told her how I really felt and she agreed. I thought she would push me away and it would end like it always does, but she embraced my secret and gave me a warm hug. I asked her if we could ever progress-she'd told me earlier she was bi, and she said yes.
Such a small, simple word yet so heavenly when it was whispered blissfully at that moment.
It was perfect for a month, utterly perfect. We ignored the comments, we laughed for hours at the most stupid things. We never kissed but it was fine.
As I said, it was.
*FlashBack*
I'm standing in the corridor in school, the rest of my form snaking up towards the door. Gemma's form is standing right across ther, a bunch of kids I don't know. Gemma isn't here yet. I desperatly want to see her...I've been ill for three days and I've been absent from school.
Gemma comes up with Kyra, talking and laughed. As usual, she had her large black and pink backpack slung over one shoulder, her black hoodie slipping off her back. I smile, start talking to them both.
"Bells?" Gemma starts with my old nickname. I look up and see she's anxious over something. Her face is twisted slightly with distress and she looks at the floor.
"I...well...it's about us."
"Yes?" I answer. She sighs.
"I...um, well, I had a dream last night."
"So did I.....which member of MCR did you dream about?"
She lets out a shaky, high pitched laugh, totally unlike her usual giggle.
"It wasn't that. It was...me, kissing another girl."
"Was it me?" I say, winking and smiling. She doesn't smile back and looks away, almost bursting into tears.
"No...but...it felt wrong as I did...as I did it......"
"What are you saying?"I worry hastily, the fear building up inside me. She looks away, sighs.
"I don't like girls anymore, Bella. This...this whole bi thing was just a faze...I still want to be friends but....I need to break up with you."
A cold sense of wretchedness settles over me, mixed with a terrified irritation. I blink, swallowing slowly, desperate not to cry in front of my class mates.
"What?"
She groans. "Don't make me repeat it, Bella. I...I'm breaking up with you."
Her form tutor bustles down the corridor and lets her into the classroom. She smiles, waves but I turn my back. I lean against the notice board, breathing in the smell until Jason interupts me, asking if I'm Okay.
I'm not, of course.
*Flashback Over*
The betrayal soon came of course. It's been six weeks since it happened and I haven't spoken to her since. I've tried but there's an awkward air between us, a thick silence eating away at what we want to say. I can't verbalize my feelings anymore.
She broke my heart, and it will stay like this forever. No amount of long, brown-eyed gazes or thick silent sobs can solve this puzzle, cure this ache.
I've never tried suicide before but I wish I had.
You try to take people who don't deserve it, people who want to live, who have the will and longing to live, and you often succeed. Then there's all the bad people left in the world, or the depressed who just want to disappear.
Why won't you take me?
I've never tried to commit suicide before-I'm much too weak for that. I'd think of my friends, my family, what I could grow to be and back out of it, like all the other things I try and go ahead with. I've thought about it though. I lie in bed and stare at my ceiling, the dark disturbed by the harsh landing light and think 'What world is this?' I dream of being free of all these problems, dream of belonging.
I never thought it would work out like this. When I met Gemma, I didn't think she would kill me. I thought she was a plesent, pretty girl with big dark eyes and a cute smile. She became my best friend. We grew closer, and closer still. I plucked up the courage and told her how I really felt and she agreed. I thought she would push me away and it would end like it always does, but she embraced my secret and gave me a warm hug. I asked her if we could ever progress-she'd told me earlier she was bi, and she said yes.
Such a small, simple word yet so heavenly when it was whispered blissfully at that moment.
It was perfect for a month, utterly perfect. We ignored the comments, we laughed for hours at the most stupid things. We never kissed but it was fine.
As I said, it was.
*FlashBack*
I'm standing in the corridor in school, the rest of my form snaking up towards the door. Gemma's form is standing right across ther, a bunch of kids I don't know. Gemma isn't here yet. I desperatly want to see her...I've been ill for three days and I've been absent from school.
Gemma comes up with Kyra, talking and laughed. As usual, she had her large black and pink backpack slung over one shoulder, her black hoodie slipping off her back. I smile, start talking to them both.
"Bells?" Gemma starts with my old nickname. I look up and see she's anxious over something. Her face is twisted slightly with distress and she looks at the floor.
"I...well...it's about us."
"Yes?" I answer. She sighs.
"I...um, well, I had a dream last night."
"So did I.....which member of MCR did you dream about?"
She lets out a shaky, high pitched laugh, totally unlike her usual giggle.
"It wasn't that. It was...me, kissing another girl."
"Was it me?" I say, winking and smiling. She doesn't smile back and looks away, almost bursting into tears.
"No...but...it felt wrong as I did...as I did it......"
"What are you saying?"I worry hastily, the fear building up inside me. She looks away, sighs.
"I don't like girls anymore, Bella. This...this whole bi thing was just a faze...I still want to be friends but....I need to break up with you."
A cold sense of wretchedness settles over me, mixed with a terrified irritation. I blink, swallowing slowly, desperate not to cry in front of my class mates.
"What?"
She groans. "Don't make me repeat it, Bella. I...I'm breaking up with you."
Her form tutor bustles down the corridor and lets her into the classroom. She smiles, waves but I turn my back. I lean against the notice board, breathing in the smell until Jason interupts me, asking if I'm Okay.
I'm not, of course.
*Flashback Over*
The betrayal soon came of course. It's been six weeks since it happened and I haven't spoken to her since. I've tried but there's an awkward air between us, a thick silence eating away at what we want to say. I can't verbalize my feelings anymore.
She broke my heart, and it will stay like this forever. No amount of long, brown-eyed gazes or thick silent sobs can solve this puzzle, cure this ache.
I've never tried suicide before but I wish I had.