I'm Not Dead

I put my hand on top of Marshall's and tried to let the feeling of his skin slow down my pulse.

"Are you okay?" I whispered, slightly squeezing his hand.

"Are you serious? This is isn't a joke..," he dragged off the last part when he saw my face.

I wanted to apologize. I wanted to apologize for...who the hell knows. It's not like it was something he wouldn't know how to handle. But it was something I wasn't ready to handle.

"Just...gimme a minute," he told me, running his hands over his face exhaustively. I put my hands on my lap and sat back, staring out the window at all the buildings passing by. All I could think about was the child growing inside of me. That he made. I wanted Marshall to be happy. I wanted us to be happy together. I wanted Alaina, Hailie and Whitney to be happy when they found out. I wanted the World to happy for us.
When we got to his house, he grabbed my hand and gently pulled me out with him. I held my breath until he finally finished up his 'minute'.

"You don't understand how much this means to me Alecia. This has been crazy. With you. This is just happening a little fast. I feel like I'm fuckin losing my mind with this. But I love it. It's this high I get with you. This feeling even when you hurt me, or whenever I hurt you, I know I could never keep away from you. Every fuckin thing about you Alecia. Did you have to come to my hotel room..." he said, wiping the tears away from my face that I hadn't even realized were there.

"I missed you," I whispered, trying to stop my eyes from further letting tears fall out of them. He kept on going as if I hadn't said anything.

"...and make me fall in love with you. This isn't right Alecia. I shouldn't feel this way about you, but I do. And I don't know how to control it Alecia."

"I know...," I mumbled.

Then he stopped talking. Which was good the silence was good for the moment. He let our faces do the talking.

When we got into his room I decided to lighten up the mood a bit. I hated to see him worried.

"But ya know...just 'cause I'm pregnant doesn't mean I still can't beat your ass at basketball," I taunted him. He rolled his eyes in response.

"I don't remember you ever bein' able to beat me in the first place."

"Oh so you haven't heard?"

"Heard what?"

"How I been sinkin' threes lately."

He sighed and walked away from me and disappeared into another part of the house. When he came back to me, he had a basketball in his hands.

"I can't believe you can't just take my word for it damn," I grabbed the ball from him and started to head outside to go out to the basketball court.

"Yeah yeah yeah. Let's make this quick cause I was playing around with some shit in the studio," he told me, putting his hands on my ass and shoving me forward.

"Don't rush me!" I told him, turning around and trying to hit him which he dodged.

He wrapped his arms around me and laughed. I could feel his breath against my ear and I felt the urge to take a picture of this moment. So of course I balanced the basketball on one hand and took out my phone with the other. When he realized what I was doing, he started to cross his eyes.
"Just one good picture Marshall," I begged as he kept leading me to the court.

"Aiight. Fine. Stop your whining," he mumbled finally stopping as we took the picture. Right when I took it he was planting a kiss on my neck.

"That is so fuckin yummy. Now I suppose I couldn't get one with you smiling right?"

"Don't push it Alecia," he said, letting go of me and running over to pick up the basketball I'd just dropped.

When we got to the court, after about 5 minutes he was already up 13-0. I was getting tired of losing so I at one point in the game I lifted up my shirt and flashed him and it actually worked. and by pure luck, I sunk a three point shot right there.

"Alright. I'm done," I told him, throwing up my hands and like I'd actually done something amazing. He laughed and started to head back towards the house.

"I'm gettin tired of whoopin your ass Alecia!" he yelled at me.

"Whatever! I let you win asshole!"

He turned around and flicked me off with a smirk on his and I returned the favor and began to follow behind him. I followed his trail through the house and down into the studio he has in his basement.

"You wanna sing to me Alecia?" he asked me, pointing towards the keyboard he had in there. I looked around confused and pointed to myself.

"Lil' ol' me?" I joked, pulling up a chair to the keyboard.

"Nah. The other Alecia in this room," he said trying to mimick the voice I'd just made.

"Ew no. Don't ever do that again,"

"What? This?" he asked, doing the voice again. I made a face at him as he moved his chair closer to mine.

"So fuckin gross."

"What? You don't like my voice?" he asked in a Scooby Doo voice. I didn't know exactly what he said after that because his face was buried in my neck. I tried to push him off but I was laughing so damn hard my whole body was weak. By then he was over powering me, and knocking me out my seat.

"I'm not gonna sing if you don't stop!" I managed to say between gasps. He finally got off of me and sat back in his seat. When I caught my breath and sat back in my seat.

"What are we. In kindergarten?" I said shaking my head.

"Shut up and sing," he responded, picking up his notepad and looking at the chicken scratch he had scrawled on the page. I waited until he started writing to start playing Glitter In The Air.

"Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands? Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted? Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air? Have you ever looked fear in the face and said, "I just don't care"?" I sang like he wasn't even watching.

"It's only half past the point of no return. The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn. The thunder before the lightning, the breath before the phrase. Have you ever felt this way?
Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone? Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone. Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry? Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?" I kept singing, by this time he had put down his notepad and came over to me, watching me with the face of a lost puppy almost.

"It's only half past the point of oblivion. The hourglass on the table. The walk before the run. The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames. Have you ever felt this way? La La La La La La La La. There you are, sitting in the garden, clutching my coffee, callin me sugar
You called me sugar. Have you ever wished for an endless night? Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight? Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight," I finished the song with a realization that's the best I'd ever sang that song. Even when I was hanging from the silks at the Grammys showing all the lip syncers how a girl can sing live even dangling in the air.

Instead of stopping and letting him tell me how well I did, started to play "Thank You" by Dido. The song that provided the course for Stan. I automatically heard him start to hum along with the music. What people don't know is that when it comes down to it, Marshall likes to sing. Though he didn't sing with me at that particular moment, he sure did hum.

"Are you satisfied?" I asked when I saw done, turning to smirk at him.

"Shiiitttt," he trailed off, leaning back in his chair, "Haha am I?"

I stood up from my seat and dramatically sat down on his lap. Then I softly kissed him on the cheek and laid my head on his shoulder. I walked my fingers over his stomach and started to lift up his shirt. He started to laugh and pull his shirt down.

"Alecia. I gotta work," he kept laughing as I fought with him to get his shirt off. "Okay. You go wait for me in my room and I'll be up in a minute aiight?" he told me. I stood up and shook my head at him.

"What if I fall asleep or something?"

"I'll just wake you up," he said biting his lip and winking at me.

"Whatever," I told him, trying to act annoyed as I left his studio slowly.

"I love you!" he called out.

"I know!" I responded rounding the corner to go back upstairs.

**********

When he finally came up to his room two hours had passed and I'd already he was even supposed to come up in the first place.

"You said a minute," I told him, pointing at the invisible watch on my wrist.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled while he took off his shoes/socks, hoodie, shirt, and jeans to come lay down next to me.

"Oh this is that kind of party?" I laughed, getting out the bed and taking off my clothes too.

"That's not where I was gonna go with it but okay," he laughed as I stumbled out my jeans, almost falling on my ass. When I got everything off I hopped on top of him. He ran his hands up my thighs and back down again as he talked.

"I can't believe you have more tattoos than me," he mumbled. I tried to act like I wasn't enjoying the touch of his hands caressing my thighs.

"That's cause you're a wimp," I responded, not liking how he was underneath the covers so I couldn't tease him like he was doing to me.

"Remember when I counted them? There was like 21..24 or something," he smirked at me, still running his hands over my thighs. I was thanking the heavens I had shaved very carefully the night before or else he'd probably have carpet burn by now.

"Yes. Do you said the ribbons were your favorite when we first met?"

"Yeah yeah. I remember that. But I have a new favorite now," he said, pulling down the covers next to him and patting the spot. I was partially glad he was freeing me from his teasing. I got in the spot where he pulled away the covers and he got up to crawl over to my feet.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I asked as he began to kiss up my left leg.

"I'm finding my favorite," he mumbled, as reached my inner thigh. "There it is."

Now I knew he was referring to my Mr.Pink tattoo. The one just barely inches away from the promise land. I felt his tongue lightly brush across my tattoo. I giggled a little bit and messed with his right ear.

"Does it taste as tasty as you thought it would Marshall?" I asked him jokingly.

"Ya know what. I think there's something else I'd rather taste," before he could even finish his sentence I sat up and pushed myself against the headboard in surprise. Marshall gently tugged off the thong I had on.

"So now you can't talk?" he laughed, gently pulling me back down so I was laying on my back.

"Oh I can...can still talk Marshall. I'm just...confused as to what the hell you're about to do to me," I fumbled with my words as he dragged his lips over my tattoo again.

"I missed you Alecia. And to prove it, I'm about to make your whole body weak Alecia," he said in the sexiest voice I'd ever heard him use. Inside my head I was screaming like a fan girl while on the outside I was closing my eyes trying not to give into his game.

But I lost the game. And he definitely proved how much he missed a girl.

"Where'd all that come from?" I asked him once we woke up in the morning.

"Well...I figured I won't be able to do that when your stomach gets big.." he shrugged.

"Why? You won't like me fat?" I said, slightly offended.

"No Alecia that's not what I meant. When you get all big and stuff how am I supposed to fuck you while physically seeing there's a child in your stomach. I don't roll that way," he explained laughing at my facial expression. "It's not because you'll be fat or anything. Even though you could avoid gaining too much weight..."

Before he could even finish his sentence I punched him in his side. He rubbed the spot I hit and pinched my thigh. "Fuckin asshole," I laughed slapping his hand away.

"I'm kidding. Ya know I can't wait for the after baby pounds. I like 'em thicker than Santa Claus on the day after Christmas," he pinched my thigh again and smiled like an idiot.

"I worry about your next album. You're slipping on your skills Marshall," I sighed and slapped his hand.

He stuck up the middle finger at me and of course I returned the favor. When I did, he wrapped his arm tightly around me, telling me to say sorry. When I didn't he tightened his grip around me. I thought I was going to die being underneath his arm like that so I bit his nipple. Just hard enough for him to let me go.

"Dammit Alecia. Fuck that hurt!" he complained, grabbing a hold of his chest.

"Sorry babe. It had to be done," I laughed moving his hand out the way and lightly kissing the red mark I'd made. "All better."

"Yeah it better be better. That shit hurt," he mumbled still holding onto his chest.

I rolled my eyes and pointed to my nipple rings. "Like I said, you're a pussy."

Up until that point in the day I was fine. I was actually really happy to be back with him. That was until my phone rang. That was until it was the doctor I had called the day before confirmed an appointment. I went to the doctor without Marshall because I didn't want to draw unwanted attention. But later I found that I needed him more than ever.