No Clue What I Should Do

Frank and I didn’t spend much time getting to know each other.

Weird little habits, how exactly we take our coffee, the milk to cereal ratio, how much space to give when we’re angry, when to comfort and when to leave be, and what it’s really like to live alone together.

We went from friends to sex in just a short time.

At the time, I was blinded by love, as well as lust, to notice just how fast things were actually going.

When Frank almost died, and then asked me to marry him, I guess I was still in shock, and didn’t really give myself a chance to think it over fully.

Now, it may seem like I'm making up excuses for leaving like I did, and in a way I guess I am.

When he left for tour just days after our wedding, I was basically left out to dry after taking the big plunge.

I felt lonely, and even a little abandoned.

Then when he came back for the first break, I was just glad to be able to touch him again, be able to feel him.

Then he was gone again, and I was left alone, again, but not actually so alone.

He wasn’t there to experience the firsts for the growing baby inside of me.

The first ultrasound, the first kick, and he wouldn't have been able to find out her gender with me, none of it.

I know it wasn’t his fault. He had a job he had to do, and fans that he needed to please.

But when I went up to the Remember When show, and I met my Bears, I felt what it was like to be able to just let loose and have fun. I had people to talk to, people who understood kinda what I was feeling like cause they were the same age.

Now I know that age doesn’t matter when it comes to friends or love, but sometimes it is important.

I love the girls, and I love the guys in the band, but they were already grown up, and in the mindset of adults, while I was hanging behind still feeling like a teenager.

My Bears understood the feeling of being a teenager still. Just some kids doing what they love and living up life how it pleased them, and not how it pleased others.

Trent took things slow with me. We spent the time getting to know each other.

He knows when I need to just be held and let cry, and when I need time alone to brood.

And even though we could be going at it like bunnies every night, he likes to just hold me and cuddle.

I guess, we’re trying to know each other as best we can on a personal level before we take it any further to an intimate level.

This time, I was going to do things right.