Stars

I had been standing in front of his house
for almost 15 minutes, contemplating.
Would I go in or walk away.
Would I try to explain why I reacted the way I did?
Or would I just decide to leave it at this and turn my back on him,
never knowing 'what if' .

"Damn it, Skylar. Make up your fucking mind already."
I said to myself.

Easier said then done, I remained on his doorstep
for another 5 minutes before turning around and
walking away.

"He doesn't want to see me. Understandable."

I said, trying to come up with an excuse not to face him.
When I was halfway down his driveway I felt my feet
stop again.

"I don't know if he doesn't want to see me, though."
I reasoned with my pessimistic side.

I really wanted to walk over there to tell him everything I felt,
I really did. But I was so scared of his reaction.
I couldn't handle him being mad at me.

"Oh God, what if he starts yelling at me."
I said, biting my lip.

In my head, I saw him yelling at me, angry that I'd dared
to come to his house.
My stomach started to twist and I started to feel nauseous.
I sat down with my knees to my chest, resting my head on top
of them.
Taking a few deep breaths, I felt better again and I stood up.

Then I decided to walk up to him.
I couldn't live with myself, knowing I'd never even tried
to explain myself.

I turned around, quickly walked up to his frontdoor and knocked
on it.
Shocked by my just found bravery, I started to feel anxious again.

"Calm. Down."
I whispered to myself, trying to ease my nerves.

I knocked again, because I'd waited for a while and no-one
opened the door.
Again, there was no answer.

"Yet your car is here."
I mumbled.

I sighed, thinking of what to do next, when I saw
the door to his garage was slightly opened.
Afraid something might've happened, I decided to
open the door completely and walked in.

His garage was full of stuff so his car couldn't even fit in
it anymore.
I smiled, knowing this was typically him.
Walking through his house, my smile grew bigger.
I'd missed this house a whole lot.
He'd just returned from his recent tour and I hadn't seen him
or even talked to him after the incident had happened.
That had been nearly four months.

I took in the surroundings again, feeling like I was home.
It had always been more home to me than my own house,
for some reason. Maybe because it was his.

I walked over to the backdoor to see if he was in the backyard
and then stepped outisde.
The weather was even nicer, here. There was alot of wind
but it was all blocked out because of fences and all that.

Looking at the sky, I saw the stars shining and I smiled.
I had this weird fascination with stars and they never
ceized to amaze me.

I heard the door close and I knew he was standing behind me.
My eyes flew to the grass in front of me and I sighed.
He walked up to the spot next to me and stared up as well.

"The stars are bright tonight."
he just said.

I smiled, knowing this was his way of saying he wasn't
mad or anything in that area.

"Yeah, they sure are."
I replied, looking up again.

"This is the first time that I've actually looked up there again
since we've left. I never do when we're on tour."
he said, sipping his beer.

"You should, really. I's amazing to watch."
I said, putting my hands in my pockets.

"Yeah I know. It's just less fun if you're not there."
he replied.

"I doubt that."
I said, sitting down on the grass.

He said down next to me crossing his legs.
Mine were crossed, too and I was ripping grass
out of the ground.

"It's nice to see you again, Sky."
he said.
I felt his eyes on me.

"Yeah, it's nice to see you again, too.
I always miss you and the guys when you're away for
such a long period of time."
I said, still facing down to the grass.

"I miss you, too. The guys undoubtedly do as well."
he replied, drinking his beer.

I smiled. I always felt loved when he said things
like that.

"Things have changed between us, though."
he said, putting down his beer and rubbing his temples.

"Yeah, I know. It sucks, huh."
I replied, pulling my knees up to my
chest and resting my head on them, like I'd done before.

"It fucking sucks ass."
he said, now doing the same thing to the grass as
I'd done a few minutes ago.

"Look, Brian. About what happened.."
I started but he interrupted me.

"Nah, let's not talk about that."

"But we have to. It's not like it's something
unimportant."
I replied, looking at him this time.

He looked back at me and I stared in his beautiful eyes.

"It's only as important as you decide to make it, Sky."
he said, smiling half-heartedly.

"And to me it's incredibly important we talk about it."
I answered, twisting my body around so I was facing towards him.

"Why?"
he just asked, looking at his shoes.

I reached out for his face and I cupped his right cheek in my hand.
I put pressure on it so he faced me.
My hand stayed there so he couldn't look away anymore.

"Brian, you told me you loved me. I freaked out and ran away.
There's no way we can't talk about it."
I said, feeling guilty when his eyes filled with sorrow.

"What's there to talk about, then? I told you I loved you,
you ran away and things are weird between us, now. I can't see
how we can resolve this unless you've created some time-travelling
machine to make me turn back in time. I could stop myself from saying
it and we'd be fine."
he said, pulling away my hand and standing up.

"Brian, please."
I said, while standing up as well.

"Look Skylar, I'm not mad or anything. It's just gonna
take me some time to get over you. So I think it's
best if we just.. Don't see each other for a while."
Brian said, walking up to his house.

"I came here to apologize for running away, you know.
I was really scared that you didn't want to see me or
that you'd start yelling at me. But here you are, telling me
that what you said was a mistake. How can you even
say that?"
I said, walking after him.

"I'm not saying it was a mistake. I just wish I hadn't said
it so things would be normal beween us."
Brian walked over to his kitchen and wanted to grab another
beer from his fridge.

I sped up my pace and stood in front of the fridge.

"What are you doing, Sky?"
he said, a little annoyed now.

"I'm trying to tell you that I'm sorry for what I did that night
but you are not fucking listening to me. Did it ever occur to you
that you and me have been friends forever? That maybe I was just
scared of those three words? And maybe, just maybe I wanted to
say them back but you were leaving on tour the next goddamn day.
How could I cope with all that crap when I had no intention of ever
telling you how I felt about you?"
I ended my rant with my fists clenched.

Brian stood there with his mouth slightly opened
and an expression that would've been funny if this wasn't
dead serious.

"You yelled at me."
he said, eventually.

"It wasn't really yelling."
I said, feeling a bit ashamed.

"Oh, that was definetely yelling to me. You just don't
realise it yet because you've never yelled at me before.
Ever."
he said, expression normal but his eyes were filled with
confusion.

"Well, then maybe it was that time. You need some yelling
every once in a while."
I said, crossing my arms.

"You're dead on about that, yeah. But erm..
What exactly did all that yelling mean?"
he asked, also crossing his arms.

His tattoo-covered arms were always a favourite of mine.
I loved tattoos and they just fit Brian so well.

"I don't know. I guess it means that.."
I tried to say the words I needed to say but
no matter what I tried to come up with in my head,
the words wouldn't come out right.

"Yeah..?"
he responded impatiently.

"I don't know what it means, okay? It's just that
I've given that night alot of thought and.. I don't know..
I guess I can understand how you feel."
I answered.

"That doesn't really make sense at all. How would you know
how I feel if you don't feel the same?"
he asked, his eyebrows furrowed.

"That's what I'm trying to tell you. When you left to go
on tour after what happened between us, I began to think about
you and me. Truth is, I've never felt so safe with someone. You care about me
in a way that I can only describe as unconditional. You told me you loved me
and I got scared because I knew that if I told you I'd feel the same,
things would be taken to the next level. A whole different kind of commitment
and I wasn't sure if we could handle that. I already miss you so much
when you're away now. What if we're together and you go away for 4 months
straight? Will I be able to live my life like I used to?
I don't think I can and that's what frightens me. I love you, Brian. I
truly do. But I'm just scared of what will happen to us. We used to be so close
and look what happened."
I said, sliding down against the fridge during my confession.

Brian sat down on his knees in front of me and stared me in the eyes.

"You do realise you could've just told me that 4 months ago?"
he said, smiling from ear to ear.

I laughed a bit and shrugged.
"I guess I could have but it took me some time to figure this
shit out. Love is a hard thing to wrap your head around."

"That's the beauty of it. You can't. You just gotta let it happen, Sky.
I never thought I'd feel this way about you and yet I did. That's love.
It fucks with your mind and it drives you insane."
Brian said, smirking.

"So.. what's next?"
I asked, looking at him.
God, he was gorgeous.

"Hm, let's see."
he said, grabbing my hand and standing up.
He pulled me up with him and then pinned me against his fridge.

"What are you doing?"
I asked, nerves spiking in my body.

"What I've been hoping to do for a long time, hun."
he replied before gently pressing his lips against mine.

The kiss was sensational. It was everything I'd ever wanted and more.
My nerves flowed away and it felt like this was the way it was meant
to be. Brian and me, together.

When his lips left mine, I was left breathless.

"Fuck."
he said, smiling.

"What?"
I asked, afraid it wasn't what he'd expected.

"I should've told you how I felt years ago. Kissing you is the shit."
he replied, smirking again.

I laughed and rolled my eyes.
"So why didn't you?"

"I was afraid you wouldn't feel the same. And I recall you didn't,
at first."
Brian said, moving some hair out of my eyes.

"I never said I didn't feel the same!"
I said, shocked.

"No, instead you walked away. Which is way better."
he said, shaking his head and laughing.

I sighed and looked at him, smiling.

"What is it?"
He asked.

"I just realised something."
I answered.

"Which would be?"
he wanted to know.

"That you're goddamn hot, that's what."
I replied smiling like a mad woman.

"Am I now?"
he asked, smirking.

"Well, I think you are. Your eyes alone make me
weak in the knees."
I confessed.

"Since when?"
his question was.

"I think I always knew. I just realised it a little late."
I answered truthfully.

He smiled again before gently kissing me on my lips.
It didn't take long for us to make out against his fridge.
After a few minutes he broke away and he rested his forehead
against mine.

"Are you sure, though?"
he asked.

"About this? About us?"
I wanted to know.

"Hm. Are you sure it's not just because you don't
want things to get weird between us?"
he looked up and looked me in the eyes.

Again with the knees, I had to fight the urge to sink down
to the floor.

"Brian, I would never do that. Yeah, I should've thought of
this before I walked off. But I just needed time and I had enough of that.
I want you to believe me when I say..."
I said, asking myself if I was ready to say it out loud for real.

But then I realised; he had the guts to do it when he had no
idea how I felt. He put his feelings out there without knowing
how I'd react. And I'd reacted completely out of line.
And now I was thinking about those three words and if I
could say them.
Of course I could, I knew exactly how he felt. And as of
tonight I finally knew how I felt.

"Yeah..?"
he urged me on.

"I love you, too."
I said, smiling.

Brian remained silent but his eyes closed and his smile grew and grew
until I thought he was about to burst out of his cheeks.

"You have no fucking idea how much I've hoped you'd
say that to me one day. I love you, Sky. Feels good
to say it, knowing you'll stay right there in that spot."
he said, smug.

"Well, fuck you. You're not gonna torment me about that, Synyster fucking
Gates. I want my Brian back, fuck off."
I said, shoving him away.

"Relax, I was just kidding."
he said, hands up in surrender.

"So your alter ego makes jokes.
When you're around me, you're always Brian. Synyster Gates will have
to grow on me some more, I think."
I said, pondering the thought.

"Lucky for you, we have all the time in the world."
Brian said and stepped closer to me again.

When his lips met mine for the third time that evening,
it felt like it was our first kiss all over again.
It took me a while to figure out but I finally knew the path I was
going to take.
It was the one where Brian was walking right beside me.
And I would stay on that path forever.