This Is What I Missed Most

Great, another miserable Christmas party full of drunks and supposedly riveting characters otherwise known as my work colleagues. Why did I ever agree to this? Oh yeh, Brian.

It was that time of year again when everyone put on their smiley faces and dug themselves into a deep grave of debt and sorrow. Yeh I sound like your typical Scrooge, but if you were in my position, you would feel exactly the same.

2 months to the day and I was still stuck with that brat of a co-worker, forced to leave behind old and cherished friends for a new bunch and given the pitiful task of making some crap band look half decent.

See I loved how things were, not even a month ago. Spending most days with the guys, trying to make something of myself as a photographer, yet ending up taking the most pointless shots of the most pointless people known to man. I'd get the chance to meet some of the people I dreamed of meeting; people who occupied the walls of my bedroom back home, people who I respected and I loved every minute of it, but now things were different.

Jerry, a former co-worker, decided to change his lifestyle and leave the publicity business, forcing Brian to give me up as MCR's photographer and hand me over to a group of starry eyed delinquents like some worthless object as a replacement, with no means of escape. I wasn't given an opportunity to argue.

So now I was stuck with Susie each and every day as we worked through getting the boys into the limelight and making them noticeable, rather than the tramps that they currently were. I had to hand it to them, some tracks were okay, but nothing could ever be a scratch on the familiar riffs from Ray, or the deafening drum rolls Bob frequently punched into the atmosphere, not to mention Gerard's flawless voice. It just wasn't the same.

So last week I come home, back to good old New Jersey, and find the red light of my answering machine bleeping. I throw my stuff down onto the couch of my trashy single apartment and smile gently to myself as Brian's cheerful, excited voice rang through the speaker by the front door.

"Hey kid! Gosh long time no speak! We are all missing you like crazy. How come there have been no phone calls huh? Anyways enough of the ranting. You need to get your ass over to my old apartment next Monday night for a good old fashioned Christmas Eve party with me and the guys okay? Good I thought so. Give me a call back as soon as you get this. No ifs or butts!! Catch ya later Jenn. Loves." Great, I thought to myself. Just when all I wanted was to go to bed and do nothing till the next tour started. The only plus side? I'd get to see Frank.

So Monday comes around faster than I had anticipated, but I wasn't going to complain. Brian had run me up a total of 14 times since his last message, bribing me to go, singing tunes to me through the phone, getting the guys to beg and I finally gave in. I was told to be on time, 8 o clock at Brian's, to bring some form of booze, in my case 2 bottles of Smirnoff Ice, and have a good time. It was nearing half 7 and I still wasn't ready but I decided that if I just slipped in unnoticed, they would never know I was late. Anyway, I finally get myself ready having chosen a pair of ripped grey skinny fit jeans with my white leopard leggings showing through the holes, my strange assortment of multi-coloured belts and my studded one hanging low, a new Hot Lips skinny tee, hugging my figured nicely and a dark pink and black zebra hoodie, matching my tatty converse. I had trashed my hair as usual, only it looked different now, no more dark brown and red streaks, and more platinum blond with all sorts of colours running through, and headed for the party.

I get there, and after a few minutes of trying to get through the front door as it was mysteriously blocked, I found myself amongst around 50 drunks, all stumbling around Brian's once tidy home. I saw a few people I recognised and waved politely, receiving a collection of drunken "Hey there's" and "How are you?" and preceded on to find the host.

I remember months and months ago, coming over after the first tour started with the guys from MCR and just lounging around as per usual. It was strange to see the exact same building and background host to such a different environment. And I wasn’t sure if I liked it. It wasn’t like this behaviour was anything new, I mean, being with my new "friends" I was constantly around alcohol and disorderly behaviour, it was just odd seeing Ray fall across the kitchen floor with some randomer attached to his back as opposed to the normality of a witty comment.

I found Brian stood with a smaller group of people off to the side of the kitchen, beer in hand, midway through an intoxicated joke. I cautiously stepped forward, tapping him lightly on the shoulder and chuckled as he spun around, immediately enveloping me in a tight hug.
"New you would make it kid"

He took no time in sifting through the piles of junk in the kitchen and handing me a beer despite the fact that i had two huge bottles of alcohol under my arms, parading around the flat to show me all of the newbie's I was yet to meet. I found my current manager in the sofa talking to what was apparently, another co-worker and was told that she would start after Boxing Day.

Great now I have to babysit instead of getting my decent Christmas break.

Not long after the meet and greets where done, I excused myself and headed for the balcony. I was desperate for a drop of fresh air. A small buzzing noise came from my back pocket and I reached down to grab my cell as an incoming message flashed on the screen.

Hope you're having fun Jenn, you deserve it. Tell me all about it tomorrow! Elly xoxox

Yehh, time of my life. Stuck in some clammy apartment, unable to breathe through the thick cloud of smoke hovering in each room and having nowhere to sit. Definitely something to brag about eh.

I sat myself down on the small step at the base of the patio doors that led onto the balcony and shut them behind me. Straight away I felt the cool winter air rush past me, taking the hectic mood away from me at once. I looked around at the clear sky stretched out in front of me. No clouds, dazzling white starts dotted around the sky, it was perfect, but I couldn’t help but feel as if something was missing. I took my time texting Elly back, saying that it was all great and that I would ring her in the morning and shoved my cell back into my hoodie pocket. In no time I had drifted off into a deep whirlwind of thoughts, thinking back to the last phone call I got 2 days before the party.

" Hey you, how are you?"
Frank.
"I'm great thanks, how about you?"
"Oh I'm fine, just getting back to normality. Its well crazy being back home with Mom and Dad after so long away. How you dealing with things now?"

Why was it that he always made me feel so... different? If this was with any other person I would simply blurt out that I hated having to stay around other people and not getting my free time with the people I classed as my family. But no, this was Frank and I would never tell him anything was wrong. But I didn't know why.

"Oh things are fine. It's just different not being with you guys anymore."
"Yeh I get what you mean, not having you around has been torture."
"Ha sure."
"No really. We have no form of entertainment anymore and its just the guys now. I liked having a girl around for a change, even if she was a complete tit."
"Thanks Frank, I miss you to."
"Hehe no probs kid. Now tell me you are coming to Brian's party on Monday."

Great, here we go.

"Erm well-"
"No that isn’t how you start the sentence. It's more like, yes Frank darling of course I will come, what else would I want to do with my time rather than gazing at your beautiful face?"
"Haha, because that is exactly what I would say isn’t it?"
"Damn straight."

The thing was, that was just what I was thinking as he said it.

"Anyways, you are coming yeh?"

I remember sitting with my legs hunched up to my body, midway through watching Dude Where's My Car in my apartment, and wanting nothing more than to dash over to his house and do nothing. He always made me feel better when I was down.

"Yeh why not. As long as you promise to not abandon me or whatever you do." He laughed gently down the receiver.
"Course not. So I'll see you there then yeh? Love you long time"
"You too."

And with that I hung up, feeling even more unsure about the party then I had done previously.

The harsh wind picked up a bit and I pulled the sides of my hoodie a bit, trying to conceal the warmth within. I hadn’t spoken to Frank since then and I was wandering if he was even here. If so, he was most likely with some random girl in a back room, having the time of his life, whilst I sat here wallowing in my own self pity.

No changes on that front.

I never fully understood how I grew to like him so much. It started off as a descent friendship, just as with the rest of the band, and after time, I started seeing them as brothers rather than people I just met. It was crazy but loved it. I knew that when I was down I could run to Mikey or Ray to cheer me up, or whenever I needed someone to help me with whatever I was doing, that Gerard would always be there.

Bob of course was just like Frank in the fact that they were there whenever I needed some "trash time" as we called it, a time when we would basically do nothing of importance and would simply waste hours mucking around or annoying the others. It was like that for weeks and I had never felt more complete, then came Brian's first end-of-tour party at his place.

It was much like any other time, except for when the alcohol fully kicked in and a ruthless game of Truth or Dare began, I felt myself being dragged into something I knew I would regret. Laughs were shared, drinks thrown around and embarrassment shown, until Brian decided that he wanted purely dares as it was "much more worth our time." No one complained as we were all too drunk to do so, and Gerard put the game in motion by daring Ray and Mikey to make out.

They of course, being the idiots they were, did as told and in no time we were all in stitches, rolling around Brian's lounge in a fit of laughter as Ray and Mikey played a slobbery game of tonsil tennis.

It went on like this for nearly an hour, people making fools of themselves and doing the most idiotic things possible, then it was my turn. I had already licked Bob's ankle, written PENIS all over my face in permanent marker and traded underwear with Gerard in the bathroom, then I had to kiss Frank. I thought absolutely nothing of it and watched as he slowly licked his bottom lip, leaning in to meet my dazed face as our lips crashed. But the second that I felt his lips on mine, everything changed. Before I knew what was happening, he pulled away, leaving me to sit there, dumbfounded at his actions as everyone else cheered then drank some more. It wasn’t like I had never kissed anyone before, which would just be stupid. But in all of my 22 years of being on this pathetic planet I had never felt anything like that and I never would ever again. It was as if time itself had momentarily stopped and-

"Hey stranger."

I snapped back to attention and spun my head around to be met with the one face I had missed most of the past two months. I shifted over on my step and watched as Frank slumped down next to me, hugging me with one arm lazily as he went.

"Almost didn't recognise you with this."

He leant over and played with a few strands of my newly coloured hair, chuckling as he nearly fell off the step.
"Glad you could make it."

I finally plucked up the courage to speak to him, shoving all of my previous thoughts to the back of my mind.

"Well, I did promise, but you obviously haven’t been looking after me. As far as I can recall, I have been abandoned ever since I arrived." I smirked at him as his signature grin swept across his perfect features.

"Well if you must know, I have been looking everywhere for you and Brian just told me that you were out here, so... tada." I laughed as he waved his hands about, already remembering so much about him that I didn't even realise I had forgotten. The way his eyes crinkled at the sides when he smiled, and how, every few minutes, he flicked his head to the side, pushing the loose black strands of hair from his glittering hazel eyes.

We slowly got into conversation about anything and everything, occasionally stopping to gaze out at the dark night sky. I found out that there had been rather a lot of arguments between them all recently, provoked more by Gerard's increasing alcohol intake and Mikey's awareness to the situation, yet his nerves had been getting the better of him. It was quite apparent to everyone now that Gerard had a serious drinking problem, but nothing they could do would stop that. I never stopped to think about what could happen once I was gone. So many people drifting off on different courses, so suddenly, but I guess that's life. I just dared not think about Gerard's current state at this alcohol ridden gathering.

"But anyway, how are you tonight? You look a bit distant and I don’t like it."

Damn him for noticing everything about me, even the tiniest things I try to cover. It was true, I was being distant, purely because if I looked at him I feared I would be dragged under the surface of those hazel pools and be unable to recover. Instead I kept my distracted gaze on the ever gleaming stars or the loose threads on my jeans, much like Frank's.

"I'm fine and you know that, just a bit tired and cold is all."

He shrugged at me, obviously not buying a word of it, but nevertheless, not arguing.

"Come here then."

"Wh-what?"

He suddenly took me by surprise, grabbing my left arm and pulling me closer towards him. In his drunken state I didn't have the slightest idea on what the hell he was doing, but if I knew Frank, and I liked to think I did, he wouldn’t hurt me. He couldn’t hurt me. It wasn’t in his nature.

"You're frozen you idiot."

I looked down at my thinly covered arms and suddenly felt the chill sweep through me, unable to stop shuddering. He carefully wrapped his arm around me, pulling me even closer to his body and I gradually felt his own body heat mix with mine.

"It's been ages since I have been alone with you properly."

"I know, its weird."

"mmhmm."

Another long silence entangled the air, the polite conversations of Christmas and day to day activities had died away, leaving an untouched perfection. Me huddled up on a cold stone step outside the back door of a crowded flat, Frank beside me, arms draped around my shoulders, smokes in hand carefully twisting long strands of blonde through his heavily tattooed fingers. I felt as if nothing actually needed to be said, so instead I sat there, watching, thinking, wishing. I don’t know how his train of thought had kicked off, or why he felt the need to express his thoughts, but he did, and it shocked me.

"The other day I was going through all my old photos, you know, the ones you took, and I found this."

I looked up from his stare at his sneakers so see him pulling out a folded photo from his back pocket, removing his arm from my shoulder so he could unfold the fresh creases. He held it out to me, taking a long drag from his nearly blunt smoke, and watched as I traced the outline of the people in the picture. Something I always did when deep in thought.

Two people messing around on a sheet of luscious green grass. Bright blue sky, gleaming poles and chains of the swing set behind them. Eyes shining bright, genuine smiles and the freshness of their skin. I remember taking this on my last birthday, 3 days before I left the guys. Frank had taken me out for the day as all the others were busy and we ended up buying cheap ice creams and sitting in the play park down the road for a few hours. I had asked if I could photograph him, spear of the moment kinda thing, and he of course pouted and posed where necessary. I scrambled up on the seat next to him, finding solace in his soft aroma and gave a huge grin as he clicked the camera at us, leaning over my shoulders to get a good view. I never realised he had kept it, not knowing how much it meant to him, but obviously, it did.

"I look at it all the time. It reminds me of you. Of what we had."

I slowly looked up from the clean cut photo to his glinting eyes, suddenly picking out the sorrow. I went to ask what was wrong, what had happened and what he meant, all at once, but he cut me off before I even had a chance to begin.

"All year I dreamed of this Christmas and what it would bring. All year my excitement grew, but by the time it came around, I wished it had never begun."

I didn't need to say anything to him, he knew I was begging for him to continue, to explain, from the confusion in my eyes. What could possibly have been so bad for him? that I didn't know about? It was times like these that I hated myself for going, for leaving behind everything I cared about and-

"I woke up and I thought, its Christmas at last, and I ran downstairs and saw the guys all asleep in my lounge cos they had crashed over and I went to start opening my presents and crap, and I saw a card from you. That made me smile. And I opened it and read it but I wished I hadn’t."

I sat up, leaving the warmth of his body for the first time in ages and saw the look of concern and self hate evident on his face. He was staring at his shoes, running his hands through his hair roughly and all I could do was sit and watch. Like normal, just sit and watch. I knew exactly what I had written in that card, but I thought it would please him, make him happy, not regret opening it.

"Hey Frankie. Just a crappy little message from me. I'm missing you all so much and I just want you to know, I think about you guys all the time. Cant get to sleep at night! Sometimes I sit on the bus and just wish for a late night "slumber party" with a bag of popcorn and a cheesy movie. I hope you are okay. Don’t dwell too much [even if you would] it isn’t worth it. Have a great Christmas Frank. Enjoy it for all its worth. Love you so much, Jenn xxx"

I smiled gently at the memory. Our slumber parties were for when we both couldn’t sleep on tour. We would silently creep into the back of the bus, grab a crap movie and mess around all night as we were the only ones who could never sleep through Gerard constant snoring. It was one of the few things that connected me purely to Frank, and not a few others, and I did miss them. I missed them a lot.

"Thing is, I didn't enjoy this Christmas at all. It wasn’t worth anything."

"Of course it was Frank, you had all of your friends around you, everything you wanted, what was wrong?"

"I didn't have you."

I stopped. I knew my friendship with Frank had always been closer than the others, but he didn't need me. That was simply mad.

"What do you mean? You had my card-"

"I know I had that, but that just made me miss you more."

Suddenly he dragged his gradually sobering body towards me, pulling me closer to him by the waist.

"Every night I would sit there until the others went to sleep, pouring over the little messages you wrote on scraps of paper for us when we weren’t around. Flicking through album after album of photos you created, just to see what you saw. Listening to all the songs we both loved, and all the ones we hated. Everything reminds me of you Jenn, and I hate that. Knowing that its only things that are there, and not you in person."

I couldn’t believe he kept all those things. The things I wrote, thinking at the time that maybe, just maybe he would take notice and keep them rather than thinking it to be just some scrap of paper. The photos and songs, I wished meant something to him, actually did.

"But I don’t underst-"

"I needed you Jenn, I still do. In every way imaginable."

"But why didn-"

"I couldn’t say anything before because I thought that maybe you would think I was some stupid kid who didn't know what the hell he was talking about. Jenn just, arrgh I don’t even know."

And with that he got up, throwing the cigarette but down to the cold floor and pressing on it with the tip of his shoe. I didn't know where this was going, what to say, what to do, but I knew I had to do something.

"Frank don’t go please wait."

I grabbed his arm, leaping to my feet and blocking his path back to the flat with my body. Now Jenn, say something now! God girl say something! I didn't know what to say, instead, I did the one thing I never thought I would actually be physically able to do with a sober mind. As he went to push past me and get back to the deafening crowd indoors, I pushed myself forwards, ceasing his step as my lips met his. Then just as fast as I had done it, I stopped. Pulled away. Embarrassed.

"Sorry I just, I erm, I-"

"Don't."

His harsh voice cut the tension immediately. I shot my head up to look at him as he stepped back into me, pressing his smooth lips on mine once more. It was just as I remember at Brian's party, only, he didn't pull away. I flicked my eyes to see his slowly closing, following his actions and allowing my hands to travel to the back of his neck, playing with his hair as he pulled me even closer, closing every possible gap between us. Carefully, I felt him undo his jacket and wrap it haphazardly around my waist, still not separating our lips, his tongue slowly gliding over my bottom lip. Just as I was about to deepen our kiss even further, we broke apart.

"Hey guys I was wondering if you had seen-, oh, sorry."

We both looked over to the back door and saw Gerard hanging off the door frame, beer in hand, staring at us with wide eyes.

"Were you two just..? OH MY GOD! MIKEY RAY?? FRANK AND JENN ARE MAKING OUT!"

He fell back inside at his own sudden outburst and I vaguely saw him scramble up and over one of the sofas before Frank's angelic face was in mine again, continuing were we left off.

"That was what I missed most."

He mumbled delicately over me, his warmth breath floating down over my face. I peered up, seeing him laugh as Gerard's bellowing voice echoed from inside and chuckled, letting my hands fall from his neck.

"We should better get inside and shut him up."

He nodded down to me, slowly removing his jacket form my waist and lacing his fingers with my own icy ones before stopping me from entering the flat.

"I love you right? I really do Jenn. I promise I do I-"

"I know you loser."

"Classy."

"Thanks."